Why won't he just admit he's not interested anymore

[pollypocket]

I'd been seeing a guy for 2 months and we'd been sleeping together, he was full on intense and moving so fast with me and then when I went on vacation for a week he continued to contact me as normal but nearer my return "poof" nothing. On my return I messaged him saying "Please tell me if you're not interested in seeing me again. It sucks to be left in the lurch".

 

He responded saying he was just letting me enjoy my vacation and he had been quite busy which is fair enough and he suggested we go out the following day which we did. He was his normal touchy feely self with me but said he was too tired for me to come back to his and I know he had a lot to do before work the next day but I still felt something was off with this. We were to meet again that week and at the last minute he cancelled because he had been kept late at work and was tired. (Kinda saw that coming because all week he said he'd been working late but he often did that anyway). Again, I asked him to just be honest and let me know if he wasn't interested and not lead me on. He said he was upset he couldn't see me but didn't want things to move too fast (when he's the one who was going fast to start with) and that he really wanted to see me but would be back late and it wouldn't be fair on me coming over so late and he asked if I was annoyed at him. I said no, that I understood and told him to have a good vacation as he was then to go on vacation for a week after that. He replied he would keep in contact but he didn't and now he's back. Although he was last to text saying he would be in contact, I didn't text after that because I felt the onus was on him to get in contact if he really wanted to. The whole time he was away, he was on the online dating app pretty much every day so he can't use no signal as an excuse.

 

I don't understand why he wouldn't just say he's not interested especially since I have already asked him twice and instead he says he really wanted to see me but has some crap excuse? In a few days I plan on sending him a message saying I really liked him and had a good time with him and that it was a shame he couldn't be upfront with me and it shows what kind of person he is. I know he'll come back with a crap excuse but I am so done. I just want him to know it's unacceptable to leave someone hanging after all the things he would say to me and plan with me. I don't think someone 'better' came along because it looks like he is still on the hunt online everyday. I also wonder if it's because I didn't respond to him when he made a joke about me dating lots of guys at once but I wasn't.

 

Any advice appreciated

[j.man]

Unfortunately, because of this...

 

On my return I messaged him saying "Please tell me if you're not interested in seeing me again. It sucks to be left in the lurch".

 

... it's difficult to tell what came first between the chicken and the egg.

 

Others may think it's trivial, but in my experiences and having been on the receiving end of that line more than a couple times, it really is the death knell. It's just too much cringe and, particularly when you're talking early on, it's hard to respect someone like you should a partner after that. I don't want to have to placate someone's insecurity because I gave them some space toward the end of their vacation.

 

But we can't know for sure. Maybe he was never all that interested, maybe that did it for him. It sounds like he wants to let it taper off. Yeah, it's a bit cowardly, but it is what it is. You can either dramatically lessen your investment in him and see how it plays out or, if you want the closure right now, take it upon yourself to wish him the best and move on. No need to send a spiteful message.

[Hollyj]

Maybe he is a coward, or perhaps, he wants to keep you on back burner for sex. Whatever it is, he is not interested.

 

DO NOT waste anymore energy on this guy - show that you respect yourself. If you tell him who he is, he will not care.

 

I agree with Jman. Your texts came off as really insecure. It's not attractive.

 

Lastly, when a relationship moves too quickly, it ends just as quickly. Next time, get to know the person you are dating, and this includes the sexual aspect.

[Batya33]

Maybe he is a coward, or perhaps, he wants to keep you on back burner for sex. Whatever it is, he is not interested.

 

DO NOT waste anymore energy on this guy - show that you respect yourself more. If you tell him who he is he will not care.

 

Lastly, when a relationship moves too quickly, it ends just as quickly. Next time, get to know the person you are dating, and this includes the sexual aspect.

 

I agree and unfortunately when sex happens early on it's hard to tell about the backburner part. It takes two to make a relationship go too fast -the person who on the receiving end of all the attention can slow things down and still show more than enough interest. You chose not to -likely because you enjoyed the attention. But this is one of the downsides.

[pollypocket]

Actually I made that sound worse than it was...I didn't go straight into that, I sent him a text on my return asking how he was and what he had been up to and he took 3 hours to reply (usually he replies within less than 10 mins) and he said he had been really busy etc and a bunch of other excuses for not texting me, I remained upbeat but also said as long as it wasn't because he was no longer interested and to let me know if he wasn't. That's when he said he was letting me enjoy the vacation. I got that phrase from a website on what to say when you think a guy is ghosting you....argh.. I feel like there is no right or wrong way why still arrange to see me the following day if that put him off so much.

[katrina1980]

What I don't understand is why you even need him to verbally tell you he is no longer interested.

 

Are not his actions (or lack thereof) clear enough for you?

 

It's difficult for some people to verbally express they're not feeling it anymore so they get that message across by pulling back, fading out or ghosting, even when "they" were the ones pushing it in the beginning.

 

This is very very common in early stages.

 

Pay attention to his actions and stop asking him if he's lost interest, your asking him is serving no purpose other than making you look needy and weak, imo.

 

When a man starts to fade, send one message asking what's up if you want, and if he gives you some vague response and continues to fade, then let him fade! And YOU fade.

 

It's a waste of energy attempting to understand why people behave as they do.

 

I would not advise sending another message telling him your feelings or anything else. Why would you? The guy is fading out, and you've done enough! And he already knows how you feel, that's coming through loud and clear, and he doesn't care.

 

Just leave it. No more text, no more calls, no more asking him to tell you he is no longer interested.

 

This man is not treating you in a respectful manner, YOU make the decision to walk away.

 

You do not need his permission to do that.

[pollypocket]

Thank you! I need to keep reminding myself of this, I have already let him know I'd rather he was upfront.

[abitbroken]

First off, I agree with j.man. If he knew you were on vacation, what is wrong with messaging you for plans when you got back, particularly if you just started seeing eachother?

 

I went on vacation for a week he continued to contact me as normal but nearer my return "poof" nothing

 

I would have contacted him AFTER you got back and simply made plans with him. If you were on vacation with a family member or friends, its rude to be caught up texting some dude you just started dating rather than focusing on your time with them.

 

No one likes "tell me if you are no longer interested..."

 

Also, he may or have not been on the dating app. Some dating apps show people online to entice people to sign up and they are not online, he could be writing women back to tell them he is dating someone and wants to see where it goes, or maybe he's looking at your picture! At any rate, at 8 weeks in and you are not exclusive, he's not barred from going on there in the least.

 

Either way, maybe next time you meet someone, take it easy -- don't pounce on them with "the talk"

[abitbroken]

I agree and unfortunately when sex happens early on it's hard to tell about the backburner part. It takes two to make a relationship go too fast -the person who on the receiving end of all the attention can slow things down and still show more than enough interest. You chose not to -likely because you enjoyed the attention. But this is one of the downsides.

 

yes -- the problem is when someone realized they went too fast too soon the other person doesn't see the value in slowing down and having dates where you actually talk - they just see it as rejection when its not. No relationship can sustain hot and heavy for long. You say "he's the one who went fast" - but you certainly could have told him you weren't ready to jump in the sack yet, you know?

[katrina1980]

Thank you! I need to keep reminding myself of this, I have already let him know I'd rather he was upfront.

 

I hear ya, I'd 'rather' people be honest and upfront too, and many other things, but what *I* want doesn't mean a hill of beans.

 

People do what they want to do.

 

Once I understood and accepted this fact, my life has been a lot less stressful!!

[Batya33]

yes -- the problem is when someone realized they went too fast too soon the other person doesn't see the value in slowing down and having dates where you actually talk - they just see it as rejection when its not. No relationship can sustain hot and heavy for long. You say "he's the one who went fast" - but you certainly could have told him you weren't ready to jump in the sack yet, you know?

 

Well no, not if that person is actually interested then they will want to do what the other person is comfortable with as long as they know the other person is interested. And simply saying "I'd love to see you tomorrow again but I'm busy...."

[katrina1980]

First off, I agree with j.man. If he knew you were on vacation, what is wrong with messaging you for plans when you got back, particularly if you just started seeing eachother?

 

I went on vacation for a week he continued to contact me as normal but nearer my return "poof" nothing

 

I would have contacted him AFTER you got back and simply made plans with him. If you were on vacation with a family member or friends, its rude to be caught up texting some dude you just started dating rather than focusing on your time with them.

 

No one likes "tell me if you are no longer interested..."

 

Also, he may or have not been on the dating app. Some dating apps show people online to entice people to sign up and they are not online, he could be writing women back to tell them he is dating someone and wants to see where it goes, or maybe he's looking at your picture! At any rate, at 8 weeks in and you are not exclusive, he's not barred from going on there in the least.

 

Either way, maybe next time you meet someone, take it easy -- don't pounce on them with "the talk"

 

I do agree with taking it easy, and don't "pounce" with questions or "the talk."

 

But what I don't agree with is the suggestion that she should somehow rationalize or shuffle under the rug what her intuition and gut are telling her, that the man, for whatever reason, is losing interest and fading out.

 

All these "maybe it's this" or "maybe it's that", it's all BS.

 

Bottom line, an interested man does not behave this way, exclusive or not.

 

Not in my experience anyway.

[seanryder]

"why won't he just admit he's not interested anymore".......you may as well ask the question "how long is a piece of string"....both questions no-one has the answers to.

 

Believe it or not he is communicating with you....just not in the way you would like. You seem to like things being verbalised. A more effective way of dealing with things might be to learn to read his actions.

 

His actions tell me that after 8 weeks of seeing some girl (you) he is starting to feel a bit smothered, this is a feeling he in not comfortable with, yet the more he tries to slow things down the more you are looking for 'clarity' from him.....the one thing he is running from. He doesn't need to have his whole life with you planned out.....it's 8 weeks!

 

You don't want to be 'lead-on'.......well what does that mean. Are you leading someone on by dating them for 2/3/4/5/6 months before deciding you would like a relationship with this person.....in my opinion you are not....some people take different amounts of time to get to know each other.

 

And believe me if you take into account some of the advice you will get on this forum, this episode in your life will certainly not be a waste of your time....quite the opposite....you may learn how to behave or not behave in future relationships .....either way you win. Just remember 'nothing is ever wasted!'

 

If the way he treats you isn't to your liking....just end it. But please look at your own actions first and see if they may be contributing to his pulling away..... this sort of introspection will undoubtedly help you in future relationships.

[katrina1980]

"why won't he just admit he's not interested anymore".......you may as well ask the question "how long is a piece of string"....both questions no-one has the answers to.

 

Believe it or not he is communicating with you....just not in the way you would like. You seem to like things being verbalised. A more effective way of dealing with things might be to learn to read his actions.

 

His actions tell me that after 8 weeks of seeing some girl (you) he is starting to feel a bit smothered, this is a feeling he in not comfortable with, yet the more he tries to slow things down the more you are looking for 'clarity' from him.....the one thing he is running from. He doesn't need to have his whole life with you planned out.....it's 8 weeks!

 

You don't want to be 'lead-on'.......well what does that mean. Are you leading someone on by dating them for 2/3/4/5/6 months before deciding you would like a relationship with this person.....in my opinion you are not....some people take different amounts of time to get to know each other.

 

And believe me if you take into account some of the advice you will get on this forum, this episode in your life will certainly not be a waste of your time....quite the opposite....you may learn how to behave or not behave in future relationships .....either way you win. Just remember 'nothing is ever wasted!'

 

If the way he treats you isn't to your liking....just end it. But please look at your own actions first and see if they may be contributing to his pulling away..... this sort of introspection will undoubtedly help you in future relationships.

 

This!^^^^^

[pollypocket]

Not sure how I would have been making him feel smothered when he was the one leading the whole thing, going 100 miles an hour, talking about moving in together after only 6 weeks, treating me like his girlfriend, changing his plans and flights just so he could see me, constantly telling me how much he liked me, setting plans up weeks in advance. The one thing I am not is a smotherer or clinger. This is where my confusion is, him going from one extreme to the other for no apparent reason. I'm quite reserved so maybe me holding my cards close to my chest contributed to him rethinking things.

[Hollyj]

Someone talking about moving in together after six weeks, is a huge red flag. You barely knew one another. Didn't you feel that something was off?

[katrina1980]

Not sure how I would have been making him feel smothered when he was the one leading the whole thing, going 100 miles an hour, talking about moving in together after only 6 weeks, treating me like his girlfriend, changing his plans and flights just so he could see me, constantly telling me how much he liked me, setting plans up weeks in advance. The one thing I am not is a smotherer or clinger. This is where my confusion is, him going from one extreme to the other for no apparent reason. I'm quite reserved so maybe me holding my cards close to my chest contributed to him rethinking things.

 

Men who come on THAT strong and THAT fast usually fade out or disappear just as suddenly and just as fast. Often with no explanation, not one that makes sense anyway.

 

Not your fault, but if this ever happens again, DONT follow his fast and crazy agenda.

 

Slow him down.

 

This is very typical I'm afraid, very common.

 

There are various names for it, one is "love-bombing." Google it.

 

It's not real, it's all based on early infatuation and fantasy.

 

Once reality hits, he's off and running to his next fantasy.

 

A man I was recently dating and liked a lot told me he was falling in love with me after only 6-7 dates!

 

Um, no. Don't think so. There were other reasons too, but I dumped him.

 

I hope this works out for you, but if not, lesson learned.

[lark265]

I hear ya, I'd 'rather' people be honest and upfront too, and many other things, but what *I* want doesn't mean a hill of beans.

 

People do what they want to do.

 

Once I understood and accepted this fact, my life has been a lot less stressful!!

 

 

 

great quote, Katrina