Healing and moving on with BPD

[foolishsunsets]

Hey guys,

I badly need to get my feelings out there, please do not judge me. I've been broken up for six months with the guy I dated for only about two months and I'm still struggling due to the rmotional armageddon everything had for me. We met at a club and everything was going wonderful, we hit it off right away. About 1,5 months in he made a joke about wanting a threesome and I took it seriously and asked him via text what he'd imagine it like. I never wanted a threesome, I just got really insecure and was really caught off guard because he made it seem like this was more important to him then I was, so I tested him. However he eventually had enough of it and ended things. He got angry, called me names... I tried to calm him down and asked him to give me another chance as it was just a misunderstanding. He eventually agreed to a 'relationship trial' but we wouldn't make it official until my insecurities got better. It was on/off for another three weeks about until he ended it for good. I was really inconsistent with him, emotional and he knows about my baggage, lots of family problems suffering under my BPD mother... My friends kept telling me it wasn't my fault and that he was just using me but I know it's different.

So eventually I tried to text him back, which obviously didn't work as I was still in the emotional state he got angry/annoyed and said hateful things whenever I contacted him. I get that it was because I kept bugging him when he just wanted to be left alone. But I was in love, never felt like that with a man before - haven't been dating seriously for very long so that might add up to it). We hooked up once post breakup. Then I went silent for 2 months. He had me blocked on whatsapp for about three weeks, unblocked me last week on tuesday though. On friday he apologized for his bad behaviour towards the end of the relationship and tomd me I'd deserve better, someone who loves me... that he's generally a jerk and doesn't understand by himself why he hurts the people he likes/loves. Part of me thinks he only acted badly because he wanted to make it easier for me to leave/forget him. And he told me he misses the sex and that upset me badly. I had been hoping that we could atleast become friends one day .-. Sooo I lashed out at him and told him not to contact me again. A few days later I send him an apology text for acting the way I did, but I still stuxk to the decision that it'd be best if we don't maintain in contact, as we have to let it be after all this time...he ignored it and either blocked me or changed his number a few hours later. I guess... I am the crazy ex now and I can't get my head around it. I'm disgusted by the way I acted.

I've been reading a lot and feel like many symptoms of BPD match me and my relationships... And I think this might be the reason why he dumped me.. he simply didn't want to put up with it anymore. I'm working on myself now, trying to get better and will go to see a psychologist soon. I'm trying to fill my life with positives again.

I know I probably can't salvage anything with this guy anymore, gonna go complete radio silence again now. But I hope I'll atleast make it better next time.

I want to try dating casually again maybe? Has anyone made any experiences with dating as BPD/or dating a BPD? Or how to control your emotions better?

I really don't want to he that way sometimes and I'm terrified I will never be able to have a stable relationship..

Thank you.

[ConfusedSushi]

Hi !

I'm a fellow BPD sufferer and I totally get you girl. All that I can really say is that at first, in my most recent relationship, I blamed me and my BPD for everything. My reactions, my insecurities and even my panic attacks were my fault and I needed to suck it up and stay silent so my relationship would survive. But this is what I've learned from that experience : Yes, we BPD sufferer, are sometimes a lot but we have to learn that sometimes, when we feel very bad it's not always our faults, our disorder doesn't mean that our partner is perfect. The reasons why I had panic attacks and insecurities were, in the end, the result of his attitude towards me. He made me feel like I was not important and after the break up I understood that his fault all along and not a product of my mind.

A partner who is good for you will not use your disorder to hide his faults. And maybe you will argue and fight but in the end, the love you have for each other will win the day, as long as you work hand-in-hand, thing that your ex didn't do. Besides I agree with your friends : this man was NOT a good person for you, don't blame it all on yourself.

I will conclude by reminding you the basics : BPD or not, disorders or not, you are lovable. You are a gem, a one-of-a-kind, and you DON'T DESERVE someone who doesn't see it.

And yes, I do believe we will be able to have stable relationship, we need to work on ourselves, ask for help and find someone who will truly appreciate us, love us and will work with us.

I would recommend asking for professional help if you feel your emotions are not manageable. Sometimes all we need a little help !

[MissCanuck]

Hey there OP,

 

My ex-boyfriend is diagnosed BPD. Though he had a diagnosis from two different psychiatrists, he refused to seek treatment of any kind (and probably still does) I asked him many times to do so, and offered to go with him if he needed support. Each time, I got a flat-out refusal.

 

Without getting into the details too much, it was the most toxic and painful relationship of my life. The emotional damage was deep and I wish I had left him a lot sooner than I did. He became very verbally and emotionally abusive, and I still sometimes struggle with the effects of that, even now more than 3 years after it all ended. (And we only dated - on/off - for a year)

 

However, ConfusedSushi is absolutely correct that just because you may suffer from BPD does mean you are entirely to blame for relationship problems. Non-BPD partners are not perfect, and can certainly sometimes be toxic too. But, given that we cannot control what anyone else does, I would very strongly encourage you to seek professional help. Speak to a qualified therapist who is experienced in working with BPD-sufferers. Find out first if BPD is in fact what you're dealing with. It's such a complicated disorder that you would want to work with someone who knows what they are doing. I think you will find greater peace once you learn how to regulate your emotions in a healthier way. You deserve peace and quiet in your life, too.

[nao]

I have dated a man with BPD briefly once, it was a nightmare, he would never talk about having BPD, he never told me, I found out after we broke up, would never even admit that he is having any kind of problem, he was always blaming somebody else for everything happened to him, he was manipulative, a constant liar, he was even unable to realize that he was hurting me, he was unable to act or react normally, like he never caressed me, but he was swearing to God 100 times a day that he is in love with me and would die for me crazy story...

So based only on that experience I don t think you have BPD, since you reflect on the things you are doing, feeling guilty etc. But I think best is you find a good therapist and talk about that and all your fears, insecurity and how to control your feelings better. Good luck!

[foolishsunsets]

@ConfusedSushi Thanks for your input I really appretiate it

 

I'm reaaaally into psychology myself so most of the symptoms match. Unfortunately I cannot access therapy at the momwnt, but I'm planning to join a support group next wednesday.

The weird things are, while I'm a fairly emotional person, I never had these issues to that extent before. I guess at lot came together when I started dating him, I feel a lot better now that I've moved out of my parents house. My mother is indeed Bpd diagnosed so I know how awful the effect can be on other people and that's what scares me so much. The whole stigma around it and all that. I don't want to be an awful person. I've read all these forum entrys about how any guy should tun if he comes across a bpd girl and how manipulative they are... I really don't want to be toxic to te people love. I wasn't aware of anything untol recently. So I couldn't tell the guy about it either. He just thinks I'm bat crazy now 🙃 I still think he's a great person. But sometimes people can be good, just not for each other.