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Update to My Multi-Dating Thread


katrina1980

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Hey guys, so this is an update or a spin off on the multi-dating thread I started a couple of weeks ago. It's not about me but multi-dating in general.

 

The new paralegal started at our office and we've become good friends, she's VERY cool. Currently she is dating three different guys and likes them ALL. She is also having sex with all of them! Not at the same time obviously, lol but she is attracted to all of them and can't decide who she likes best.

 

They all know she's dating others and have told her they are as well. Everyone is cool with it.

 

I asked her if she has told them she is also having sex with these other men, and she said no they don't discuss that. Only that they're all dating others. They have not asked if she is having sex with others nor has she asked them. She said it's just presumed since they're all multi-dating, that this includes sex.

 

She is NOT bothered by this at all! She claims she really likes all of them but there is no jealousy or anything. From them either!

 

She is actually very happy with the arrangement, and I could tell she meant it.

 

She got no judgment from me whatsoever, to the contrary I was like "wow, girl, you sound like you've got it all together!"

 

And since she's not bugging any of these guys for exclusivity or a commitment or even a "relationship," they're all like "chasing" her (for lack of a better word), however, SHE does her fair share of texting (double texting sometimes even) and "chasing" them too!

 

Everyone seems happy!

 

Like I said no judgment from me, but her carefree and casual attitude surprised me especially re the having sex with all of them.

 

I think I mentioned in my last thread that while I AM multi-dating (have a date with a different guy tomorrow night), I don't think I could have sex with more than one at a time.

 

And to update on the guy I spoke of in my last thread, we went away last weekend and he proposed engaging in this sex game that involved suffocation that I wasn't comfortable with, and ever since then, I have been turning off to him. He assured me it was safe but I've researched it and discovered that people have actually died engaging in this game!

 

Do you guys know anything about such sex game? I am like extremely open-minded and adventurous sexually and we've engaged in some sex games prior, but THIS one I felt very uncomfortable about.

 

He also told me he thinks he is "falling in love" with me which, after only six dates, also made me very uncomfortable. I also thought it might be a manipulation of sorts so I would feel comfortable engaging in this suffocation sex game.

 

Honestly, I don't think I even want to see him again after this. Glad I waited to get to know him better before going exclusive!

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Yah. . Isn't there a whole lot you can do before you get to suffocating each other during an orgasm??

Seems like he skipped a few here

 

To each his own.

As far as multiple partners at one time. . if it works for others. . then who am I to say anything?

 

But speaking for myself, I prefer it to be special. I can't help but think going about it in such a casual way could desensitize you at some point. I would hate for it to lose it's value. But that's me.

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Yah. . Isn't there a whole lot you can do before you get to suffocating each other during an orgasm??

Seems like he skipped a few here

 

 

Well we've done quite a bit sexually which is probably why he felt okay proposing this suffocation game which apparently is supposed to bring on a sort of high that enhances the sexual experience.

 

Sounds lovely lol, except for the fact that lots can go wrong and HAS gone wrong (people have died) so didn't feel comfortable with it.

 

I added to my first post, which not sure you read, but this suffocation game combined with him announcing he thinks he is falling in love with me (after only six dates, which I think was part manipulation), I don't think I even want to see him again and am very glad I waited to get to know him better before going excusive.

 

Appreciate your thoughts reinvent.

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Breath play is a fairly normal kink and it is a fairly dangerous one. If you don't like the idea of it DO NOT DO IT. If you do like the idea of it or want to try it I would suggest asking him where he learned it. What his safety precautions are. And make sure you have both a verbal and non-verbal safe word set up. Personally? breath play is dangerous enough that I wouldn't do it with someone until I knew them extremely well and felt like they had a rational and healthy relationship to kink. Because most the folks I know who are into breath play are the bottom or submissive in the scene. I would be nervous about a top who really got off on it. Like... is he in it because he really thinks it'll please you or is he in it because he likes choking women?

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As far as multiple partners at one time. . if it works for others. . then who am I to say anything?

 

But speaking for myself, I prefer it to be special. I can't help but think going about it in such a casual way could desensitize you at some point. I would hate for it to lose it's value. But that's me.

 

No it's not just you, I prefer it to be special too!

 

Lately I've been reading lots of threads about multi-dating (on various forums) and it appears women have more difficulty with it than men.

 

That is why I made this thread, to show a different side.

 

But you are right, to each his own! As long as everyone is happy that is all that matters.

 

My friend is 31 by the way and has a 9-year old son, never married.

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And to update on the guy I spoke of in my last thread, we went away last weekend and he proposed engaging in this sex game that involved suffocation that I wasn't comfortable with, and ever since then, I have been turning off to him. He assured me it was safe but I've researched it and discovered that people have actually died engaging in this game!

 

Do you guys know anything about such sex game? I am like extremely open-minded and adventurous sexually and we've engaged in some sex games prior, but THIS one I felt very uncomfortable about.

 

Asphyxiation orgasm ...I always feel this is a specialised subject haha ....really black and white , you either like it or you don't . The orgasm achieved while choking is on a different level ..well not choking as much as just not been able to breathe .....I would not recommend anyone do it until you have complete trust in your partner and have discussed safe words ..or in this case a safe action , to end it if one is uncomfortable , yes it can go wrong which is why no one should just ever ever plough into this kind of sex .

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My ex liked to simulate choking me during sex, but not to the point where I passed out though!

 

Plus we had been together a very long time before engaging in it.

 

I gotta admit, I did sort of get off on it as well.

 

But this suffocation or asphyxiation game, that seemed a bit extreme to me. He said he has had lots of experience doing it and assured me it was safe.

 

My sixth sense kicked it, it just didn't feel right to me.

 

Weird feeling I have about him now, almost like a repulsion.

 

I told him I have other plans this weekend so won't be seeing him, kind of doing the slow fade thing but think I probably need to share my feelings and tell him I would like to just move on.

 

Again glad I waited to get to know him better (which included having sex) before going exclusive!

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" I am like extremely open-minded and adventurous sexually and we've engaged in some sex games prior, but THIS one I felt very uncomfortable about."

 

I don't think engaging in sex games means that a person is open minded and adventurous sexually -could be a whole host of reasons someone does that (that might be why you do it though!) -perhaps the person thinks it will help him/her hold onto the relationship, perhaps they have a self-destructive streak or perhaps they are bored with their sex partner. For example.

 

I agree with your decision for what it's worth. I think it's very risky for your friend to have sex with multiple partners without disclosing it (and knowing they are dating others) because of health reasons especially since she is a mom with a child of an age who is dependent on her to be healthy, etc. And I wouldn't assume she is carefree - it looks that way but you have no idea what she has going on or what issues that would lead her to justify putting other peoples' health at risk. Of course these men aren't asking her either, I get that -and I agree with her that dating can include intercourse.

 

Glad you didn't put your two cents in -she didn't ask you and she's a grownup who knows the ramifications of her health choices (and of course if she gets pregnant she also won't know who the father is).

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I would not recommend anyone do it until you have complete trust in your partner and have discussed safe words ..or in this case a safe action , to end it if one is uncomfortable , yes it can go wrong which is why no one should just ever ever plough into this kind of sex .

 

^^ this.

I personally would be too much of a chicken.

But if you are going to do it, it should be with someone you know very well and trust with your life.

It might depend on it. . yikes.

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My ex liked to simulate choking me during sex, but not to the point where I passed out though!

 

Pus we had been together a very long time before engaging in it.

 

I gotta admit, I did sort of get off on it as well.

 

But this suffocation or asphyxiation game, that seemed a bit extreme to me. He said he has had lots of experience doing it and assured me it was safe.

 

My sixth sense kicked it, it just didn't feel right to me.

 

Weird feeling I have about him now, almost like a repulsion.

 

I told him I have other plans this weekend so won't be seeing him, kind of doing the slow fade thing but think I probably need to share my feelings and tell him I would like to just move on.

 

Again glad I waited to get to know him better (which included having sex) before going exclusive!

 

yeah same , it does it for me as well ....but I have also been in a situation where it was suggested and I didn't feel right , I didn't know him enough , he had a coffin in his bedroom and life size chucky dolls staring at me ....ermmm bye hahahaha

 

glad your sixth sense kicked in , wisest guide we have is that sixth sense

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" I am like extremely open-minded and adventurous sexually and we've engaged in some sex games prior, but THIS one I felt very uncomfortable about."

 

I don't think engaging in sex games means that a person is open minded and adventurous sexually. There could be a whole host of reasons someone does that (that might be why you do it though!) -perhaps the person thinks it will help him/her hold onto the relationship, perhaps they have a self-destructive streak or perhaps they are bored with their sex partner

 

Thanks for your thoughts Batya but I never said or suggested it meant or didn't mean something, I was simply stating a fact about myself.

 

That I am very open-minded and adventurous sexually and we've engaged in sex games prior. Period.

 

However since you brought it up, this is not because I am self-destructive or because it will help move the RL along, or because I am bored (not sure if you were suggesting I was or not, but thought I'd toss it in anyway).

 

I simply enjoy being open-minded and adventurous sexually and think some sex games are fun!

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"

 

I agree with your decision for what it's worth. I think it's very risky for your friend to have sex with multiple partners without disclosing it (and knowing they are dating others) because of health reasons especially since she is a mom with a child of an age who is dependent on her to be healthy, etc. And I wouldn't assume she is carefree - it looks that way but you have no idea what she has going on or what issues that would lead her to justify putting other peoples' health at risk. Of course these men aren't asking her either, I get that -and I agree with her that dating can include intercourse.

 

Glad you didn't put your two cents in -she didn't ask you and she's a grownup who knows the ramifications of her health choices (and of course if she gets pregnant she also won't know who the father is).

 

Driving a car is more risky than having sex with multiple partners. And most folks do that every single day without thinking twice about it. That extra fear and shame that comes with sexual risk is about our cultures deeply rooted sex negativity. That there are correct kinds of sex (in loving committed monogamous relationships, preferably marriage) and incorrect kinds of sex (anything else) Life is full of risk but we only heap shame on some of those risks.

 

If you don't want to have casual sex, please don't. But don't assume other folks are less healthy then you just because they choose different things.

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Driving a car is more risky than having sex with multiple partners. And most folks do that every single day without thinking twice about it. That extra fear and shame that comes with sexual risk is about our cultures deeply rooted sex negativity. That there are correct kinds of sex (in loving committed monogamous relationships, preferably marriage) and incorrect kinds of sex (anything else) Life is full of risk but we only heap shame on some of those risks.

 

If you don't want to have casual sex, please don't. But don't assume other folks are less healthy then you just because they choose different things.

 

Agree and as stated in my previous thread, everyone has their own "rules" depending on what's comfortable for them (and those they date) and every couple will also define "commitment" in their own way too, whatever works for them.

 

There is no universal way of conducting ourselves in our relationships, every relationship and dating experience is a personal experience that we should define for ourselves, again depending on what's comfortable for us and our partners.

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I think it's very risky for your friend to have sex with multiple partners without disclosing it (and knowing they are dating others) because of health reasons especially since she is a mom with a child of an age who is dependent on her to be healthy, etc. And I wouldn't assume she is carefree - it looks that way but you have no idea what she has going on or what issues that would lead her to justify putting other peoples' health at risk. Of course these men aren't asking her either, I get that -and I agree with her that dating can include intercourse.

 

Glad you didn't put your two cents in.

 

-she didn't ask you and she's a grownup who knows the ramifications of her health choices (and of course if she gets pregnant she also won't know who the father is).

 

I am wondering if you misread my post, what two cents are you speaking of?

 

My two cents is that she's got it all together (which I said in my post), and if this works for her and the men she dates, more power to her, and them.

 

I am not going to judge her decisions, as reinvent said, to each his own.

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Well as long as no parties are unaware of it then I wouldn't think negatively multidating. Even if each are sexually active, she informed them she is dating others and the other relationships are not their business. Honestly, if each guy is having sex with her they must assume that is the case for the other guys as well.

 

I am a guy and I am totally incapable of being romantically involved with more than one person. It is just an antithesis to my natural being.

 

To each their own. There is such a crazy stigma with sex. I live in the bible belt and I cannot even fathom it. We had to switch daycare for my daughter because they filled a complain with social services because my 2.5 year old told them her vagina really hurt. She had a yeast infection. But I am apparently a threat to my daughter for dare teaching her the scientific names of human anatomy.

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Wow, 6 dates and guy asks if he can choke you? I know that's oversimplifying it, but still. If you're committed, have been together long enough to trust each other on that level, then by all means, soak the sheets however you please. But this soon, combined with him vocalizing he's falling in love with you, I think you've got every right and correct instinct to be inching away.

 

Still, I will say that when I multi-dated, I rarely, if ever, got beyond 4 or so dates before deciding whether I was gonna hold off on actively looking for others or let them go. That's kind of an arbitrary figure, but I definitely wouldn't keep dating someone who voiced much stronger feelings than my own. There's a fine line between testing the waters with different folks and kind of a "we're not exclusive so I don't owe them anything" while you know about their feelings. Technically, it's fair enough, but in your shoes, I'd be approaching do or die as far as exclusivity goes with this guy.

 

But to address another point, I am eternally grateful for the casual sex chapter of my life. Some of the best times I've had. I suppose it's riskier than if you were to stay in that night, but I don't think it's inherently a huge risk. For me, it's kinda analogous with indoor cats living longer than outdoor cats. But I guess a lot of that depends largely on your situational common sense and, to a smaller extent, luck in not coming across the odd wrong person. That said, I definitely don't think anyone should go beyond their comfort zone when it comes to casual sex or sex in general. No real right or wrong, in my mind.

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First off he sounds like he is in a rush. Falling for you after 6 dates and now wants to wrap plastic wrap over your face during sex after such a short period of being intimate? Heck next week he will be bring his buddy with him for MMF play.

 

If you like him tell him to slow his roll and let things happen naturally but if you see a roll of plastic wrap on his night stand get a head ache real fast and head for home!!!

 

Multi dating is different for men and women. Your coworker likes the attention and the men she is seeing like the sex and casualness of it all. Basically she has 3 FWB and the guys have a sure thing after a night out. In time someone will catch feelings and/or drop out.

 

Personally I don't want to be having sex with a woman that banged some other guy the night before. That is just me though and if she likes it and everyone knows the score (which in this case I would bet one guy assumes she is only having sex with him only) it shouldn't be a problem. Leaving that detail out is the key isn't it???

 

Do what feels right to you at the appropriate time and you will sleep a lot better.

 

6 dates huh? seems like the sex should still be exciting a new...

 

Good luck

Lost

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Wow, 6 dates and guy asks if he can choke you? I know that's oversimplifying it, but still. If you're committed, have been together long enough to trust each other on that level, then by all means, soak the sheets however you please. But this soon, combined with him vocalizing he's falling in love with you, I think you've got every right and correct instinct to be inching away.

 

Actually, no it's NOT oversimplifying it, that's pretty much how it went down!

 

And LOL @ "soaking the sheets however you please," hell yeah! Once trust has been developed and all that.

 

I honestly don't know what it is about me that causes men to become so intense.

 

I mean we start out casual, everything light and breezy, having fun, great sex, etc, and then BAM, bait and switch and he starts getting all intense on me.

 

This happens with so many men I've lost count. And it's precisely the reason why I wanted to multi-date (hence my first thread), so it WOULD NOT get so intense.

 

Seriously though, I am one of the most easy-going, fun-loving and free-spirted girls around. I don't push for exclusive or a "relationship," if you've read my posts on this forum (not just on my threads), I prefer to let everything develop gradually and naturally.

 

Doesn't matter and I need to figure out what it is about ME that attracts these types of dudes.

 

I thought I'd done enough introspection this year to last a lifetime, but apparently not.

 

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts j.man, much appreciated as always.

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First off he sounds like he is in a rush. Falling for you after 6 dates and now wants to wrap plastic wrap over your face during sex after such a short period of being intimate?

 

No it was more like tying a rope or scarf around my neck to cut off circulation to the brain which apparently is supposed to release endorphins enhancing the sexual experience and bring on intense orgasms. I cannot imagine anything like that being safe, but whatever!

 

But yeah I hear ya, no thank you!

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Actually, no it's NOT oversimplifying it, that's pretty much how it went down!

 

And LOL @ "soaking the sheets however you please," hell yeah! Once trust has been developed and all that.

 

I honestly don't know what it is about me that causes men to become so intense.

 

I mean we start out casual, everything light and breezy, having fun, great sex, etc, and then BAM, bait and switch and he starts getting all intense on me.

 

This happens with so many men I've lost count. And it's precisely the reason why I wanted to multi-date (hence my first thread), so it WOULD NOT get so intense.

 

Seriously though, I am one of the most easy-going, fun-loving and free-spirted girls around. I don't push for exclusive or a "relationship," if you've read my posts on this forum (not just on my threads), I prefer to let everything develop gradually and naturally.

 

Doesn't matter and I need to figure out what it is about ME that attracts these types of dudes.

 

I thought I'd done enough introspection this year to last a lifetime, but apparently not.

 

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts j.man, much appreciated as always.

 

Makes me think of a guy I dated. He was one of my account managers at the time. I had a boyfriend but also had a mad crush on this guy. He was younger and beautiful.

Fast forward, I find myself single and this same guy is flirting.

We go out on a couple dates, crazy chemistry and he tells me after kissing me for the first time:

'Let's use the KIS principle'

Me: Huh?

Him: Keep It Simple (eyeroll)

 

I didn't appreciate the message in the moment. Pretty presumptuous and player like.

I think he was accustomed to women throwing themselves at him.

Anyway, he went from warning me to be casual to becoming an obsessed stalker.

Players don't know what to do when they think they are being played.

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Makes me think of a guy I dated. He was one of my account managers at the time. I had a boyfriend but also had a mad crush on this guy. He was younger and beautiful. Fast forward, I find myself single and this same guy is flirting. We go out on a couple dates, crazy chemistry and he tells me after kissing me for the first time. `Let's use the KIS principle' Me: Huh? Him: Keep It Simple

I didn't appreciate the message in the moment. Pretty presumptuous and player like.

 

Anyway, he went from warning me to be casual to becoming an obsessed stalker.

 

Players don't know what to do when they think they are being played.

 

Thanks for that reinvent, at least I know it's not just me.

 

A good friend of mine told me that the reason they get so intense (same with your guy) is precisely because I am so free-spirited, and not pushing. They're so used to women pushing, it sort of throws them off.

 

With another women who was pushing for exclusive or wanting to "define" things, spend more time together, etc., they would not be so intense, they'd be backing away, needing more space!

 

Interesting theory.

 

And actually some men have accused me of playing some "game" not realizing that this is just my nature and personality, but whatever.

 

Frustrating though.

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I can't remember the last time I initiated the `where is this going?' conversation.

It's typically the guy who asks me. Though I am not as free spirited as you are I don't move very fast and take my time getting to know someone. I can sense a guy who's used to setting the pace get frustrated and not sure what to do with me. They also sense I believe I don't have much to lose by cutting them lose if they are in any sort of hurry. That's just my experience.

 

On the other hand, my best friend is so hungry they can smell it on her. She scares men to death. It's hard to watch.

 

I heard some people talking the other day about dating and how it's just generally known that women are trying to `land' men and men are trying to avoid it? I guess some of that is true. Just not in my case.

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