Seeing friend after her father just passed away

[girl00]

One of my oldest friends fathers just passed away very unexpecedly. I was on the road when it happened and so I wasnt able to go to the memorial service and felt like I wasnt as there for her as I could have been. I called her as soon as I heard and we talked and it was just so devastating. We dont hang out as much anymore, not like when we were best friends in middle school but we always stay close and I see her around town all the time. Anyways, I am going to see her for breakfast and Im worried Ill be stupid or something. Im a very open and blunt person, very understanding an easy to talk to. She knows I love her so much and feel so much for her and her family. I have experienced a lot of death but I couldnt IMAGINE loosing a father, Im amazed she is even texting and going out with me right now, she even offered to drive. I just dont want to say something lame or because im sort of against the whole im "sorry for your loss" thing, i dont want to undermine what happened. i dont know if she wants to laugh, i dont want her to come and have me look at her all sad, but i dont want to be all like OMG HEY GIRL!.. its just super awful and Im not sure how to be besides myself dialed down a little. i feel so much for her and her family but i dont want her to feel annoyed i feel bad for them? if any of this makes sense. maybe this is ridiculous or offensive but i even imagined me ordering food at the counter and laughing with the register lady over something dumb and her sitting at the table watching and hating me for being okay. i guess im trying to imagine how id feel. its just so unfair this happened. thanks for any advice

[DanZee]

Girls talk to get through an emotional crisis. She just wants to talk. Just let her do all the talking and be there for her. Agree with her that dealing with death is hard. Reminisce with her if you have any memories of her dad. Don't try to one-up her with stories of the deaths you've experienced. Instead of saying "sorry for your loss" just say you're sorry her dad died. Sounds more sincere.

[katrina1980]

girl00, I lost my dad unexpectedly a few years ago so can relate.

 

When you see her simply give her a hug and tell her how sorry you are and you're there for her if and when she ever wants/needs to talk.

 

Leave it up to her, don't push it after that.

 

When/if she does need to talk, try to not offer advice as to how best to deal, just listen.

 

Let her deal with it herself in her own way. I say this because it took me awhile to feel comfortable talking about it. When people pushed for me to open up, it only served to push me away.

 

Again when she does open up, just listen, and show empathy.

 

This is what worked best for me anyway.

 

Good luck.

[j.man]

Just be normal... well, as normal as you can be. She's likely been surrounded for awhile with people who are pretty obviously walking around eggshells trying to think how best to approach and interact with her. It gets old and it gets old fast.

 

I'm actually the go-to for a huge chunk of my friends who are going through a crap or even catastrophic time, not because I'm simply good for a laugh and my self-deprecating humor makes everyone feel a little better about themselves (well at least it's not entirely why), but because I'm one of the few friends they have who will default to treating them normally and, should they want to open up, hey, I'm good for that, too.

 

No one wants to feel like the elephant in the room.

[catfeeder]

I understand, and you're a good friend to ask about this. I've found it helpful to remind myself that the intensity I feel for another's loss is valid but not useful to them right now. The most beneficial thing I can do is to move my ego out of my way and focus, instead, on being gentle with this person as I merely show up for her.

 

Our time together is about her and her needs, not me and my 'display'. I go quiet and relax beforehand so I won't give off tension. I arrive early so I won't build stress about being late. I adopt a mental state of humble invisibility as I enter the home or meeting place with no 'entrance,' no fanfare, no interrupting any conversations this family may be having that may be important to them or thoughts my friend may be having if she's quietly waiting for me.

 

Key words (for me) are, 'gentle,' 'unassuming,' 'invisible,' 'quiet,' and 'listen'.

 

I avoid trying to 'drive' the experience. Instead, I adopt a position of observer who remains quiet and operates slowly enough to learn, moment-by-moment, what my friend may need from me. She's in shock. It's possible that just knowing that I'm present is enough for her, so I'll start with that baseline and learn what she wants to draw from me.

 

Your write:

She knows I love her so much and feel so much for her and her family.

 

Good. Trust this to be the case so you won't feel pressured to 'show' it--or to make a show of it.

 

im sort of against the whole im "sorry for your loss" thing

 

Why? Now is not the time to seek one-upmaship in creative expression. That's how people trip themselves up, trying to convey something magnanimous and memorable. Skip that for now--friend is in shock. The only thing you need to navigate is being there without shocking her further with unintentionally clumsy behavior. Lie low, and just be present. If she's a physically demonstrative person, offer touches instead of words, and allow her to show you where SHE needs to go.

 

i dont know if she wants to laugh,

 

You can ask her that later, not now. Allow her to demonstrate whether a sense of humor is appropriate to her at this time. Put yours in the back seat, and learn from her.

 

i dont want her to come and have me look at her all sad

 

Why not? It's a sad time. If friend wants to push beyond sadness, she will demonstrate that. Consider this time as a relief from any responsibility you may feel to set a pace--it's not your pace to set. (This is a relaxing statement, not a finger wag.)

 

Im not sure how to be besides myself dialed down a little.

 

Dial down a lot, not a little. Just be a blank canvas. Blend into the experience rather than attempting to stand out from it. Allow for the fact that you showed up to be gently imprinted on friend's memory during this time of shock. Don't try to compete with the shock--be gentle with it.

 

I i dont want her to feel annoyed i feel bad for them?

 

Then don't be annoying about it. Consider this to be a time where YOUR feelings are irrelevant, you're showing up to see, hear and learn what this friend needs from you. This will move your ego out of the way.

 

i even imagined me ordering food at the counter and laughing with the register lady over something dumb and her sitting at the table watching and hating me for being okay. i guess im trying to imagine how id feel. its just so unfair this happened. thanks for any advice

 

You don't need to anticipate so much. You're tending to someone else. You can't do that if you're concerned with how you appear doing it. Go invisible, go quiet. Show up and 'read' the situation instead of trying to 'stage' it beforehand. Stay quiet as you learn what is needed from you at any given moment.

 

It's liberating to remember that we are not showing up to be stars, we are showing up to be stewards of another's needs during their time of grief. It's not about us--so go quietly and find out what she needs.

 

You're a wonderful friend. Head high.

[catfeeder]

Just be normal... well, as normal as you can be. She's likely been surrounded for awhile with people who are pretty obviously walking around eggshells trying to think how best to approach and interact with her. It gets old and it gets old fast.

 

I'm actually the go-to for a huge chunk of my friends who are going through a crap or even catastrophic time, not because I'm simply good for a laugh and my self-deprecating humor makes everyone feel a little better about themselves (well at least it's not entirely why), but because I'm one of the few friends they have who will default to treating them normally and, should they want to open up, hey, I'm good for that, too.

 

No one wants to feel like the elephant in the room.

 

Good points. I've read that the most important skill of people who are good at comic relief is an ability to 'read the room'. Jman does seem to possess that skill intuitively, so he's not likely to run into trouble with the cautions you've raised, OP.

 

I'm a lover of humor, but being less intuitive in my earlier years, I've taken the long road and the hard way to learn when and how to apply it. There's a difference between an eggshell walk versus empathy. When you own empathy, you won't need to walk on eggshells--you're already primed for reading any person, place or pet.

 

So when in doubt, shoot for empathy. It will guide you beyond eggshell walks, because it reads before it speaks, and when it speaks it can be funny without landing you in regret.