My ex and I spoke, he has a new girlfriend...

[Foreverweekend]

Hi. Let me start by saying things were complicated between us but I still care for my ex greatly. We met on vacation in Hawaii and dated long distance for a year and a half. He had said he wanted to marry me, we flew out to see eachother, talked on the phone every night for hours. He was my first love. He had many insecurities due to his past but I always was there and wanted to help him through it. He was funny, charming, smart, handsome, and our attraction for eachother was intense. We broke up about 7 months ago because long story short, we were both messes. He was going through things with his father being sick, his uncle dying, a family member going to jail, etc... I had just moved to his city several months prior after a year of long distance and was a mess. I knew no one, I didn't have my friends, didn't have my family, was struggling to adjust to city life, and was stressed over so many other things. I wanted to be there for him but he pushed me away and said nasty things to me... I got angry and said things back. Looking back I was immature and would have handled it differently, but oh well... I had begged with him not to end it, but he did. Our overall relationship was great, but the last several months were bad. Fast forward a month from the breakup, we started talking again for a week. He acted like he still wanted to be with me, told me he adored me, and came over to talk. I ended up sleeping with him because I trusted him, only for him to distance himself. I then found out he had a new girlfriend he had gotten just after we broke up. Furious, I first calmed down before confronting him. Finally I confronted him about lying to me and using me for sex and he broke down crying and begged me not to tell his new girlfriend. He told me he was not in love with her the way he was with me, but that he cared for her and that she was depressed and understood his depression also. I finally agreed not to tell her, but a week passed and I was still livid... After everything, a year and a half long distance, telling me he wanted to have my babies, telling me I was the love of his life, begging me to move across the country for him, the lying to me and to his new girlfriend? I was pissed and finally sent her a message with the screenshots of the messages he sent me and explained he had come over and spent the night, apologizing she had to find out this way. He was pissed, told me he never wanted to speak again, that I betrayed him... We swore to not speak again but I knew I still cared for him...

 

Fast forward to now, six months have passed and I was still missing him. He was my first love and the way we met was incredibly romantic and admittedly, I put him on a pedestal. After discussing with friends, I decided to message him. Though I would love to get back together, all I was hoping for was to meet in person and talk as friends. After everything we had been through together, I thought it could bring me closure if nothing else. Oddly enough, he sent me an "accidental email" then said he hoped I was doing well, always. I said take care. He sent several short but nice messages after. I ignored it for a week, but after considering it, I decided this was the sign I needed to contact him. It was clearly not an accident. I asked if he wanted to talk one day and he seemed fairly excited, asking for my number, how to get in contact, etc... We texted, flirted, then talked on the phone. He asked why I wanted to talk and I said I had just wanted to talk, that was all. He seemed pleasantly surprised and began asking me a million questions about my new life in his city and how I've been getting along without him. I told him everything and he seemed happy to talk. He called again later and confessed he was still with his new girlfriend from six months ago even after I had contacted her but that the spark was gone and he felt as if he may have made the wrong decision. I told him why I had REALLY contacted him, that I had missed him and had been thinking about him. He admitted he had been thinking about me a lot and that he missed my voice, my kisses, my face, our late night convos... He said that although months had passed, his new girl contacts other men on Facebook but then guilt trips him for what we did together as leverage against him six months on and that she still holds grudges and is obsessive. He said he felt he made the wrong choice. It didn't intend to happen but we had phone sex but then I told him it was wrong and we shouldn't do it again. We continued to text throughout the week after that, he would send me pictures, text me random things, but sometimes he would send something innapropriate and I would draw the line and say no, that can't happen as long as you are with her. He was hurt but I told him it couldn't happen. He agreed and said that I was right, that he should stay loyal to who heis with, and that he is too attracted to me to be friends or keep talking because it confuses him and messes with his head. I was polite, agreed, and he said that if he was single again he would contact me. I told him I would not wait. I sent him a text saying I want the best for him and think he could do better than his current girlfriend, but that if he is happy with her then I wish him the best and truly hope they work out. I told him I just want to see him happy and am glad we are on good terms. He agreed. I reminded him that the whole reason I had contacted him was to meet in person, and that I would really really appreciate it if we could be friends or even just to talk one time and that we are adult enough to talk without anything innapropriate happening. He had agreed to meet with me before but now was saying no, that he is still too attracted to me and that it would be innapropriate. He asked me not to contact him again. Previous times when we broke up or stopped talking, I felt I handled it in a immature/hopeless romantic way and tried to fight for him, but this time I told him I wanted to respect his wishes. He said it meant a lot that I still cared and I apologized for any pain I ever casused him. We wished eachother well and have not spoken since. What are you opinions on this? Why is he staying with someone that he claims he is not as attracted to and is not in love with? Will he ever come back? Also, I am five years younger than him and feel that in the last six months, I have grown and changed a lot maturity wise and only wish for him to see that. I was always kind, forgiving, and mostly understanding while we were together, but I feel I have grown a lot in regards to giving respect and space. I only want him to see that... will he ever come back? Do I have hope? I never got to see him the way I wanted to...

[Rustysuit]

That's a very messy situation and I can tell you're doing your best trying to draw a line, but you couldn't. You had phone sex and exchanged flirty and emotional texts while he was with another girl. It doesn't matter why he's still with her, that's not the sign of someone who is relationship material.

 

You say you grew up, but your actions speak otherwise. I know love makes us do stupid things, but a mature woman wouldn't even entertain the idea "when you're single". Either he leaves her and makes up his mind or you tell him to back off. Would you like to be in her position? No matter what the hell is going on between them or how toxic that relationship is. Would you? Put yourself in her shoes and then slowly realize that he's kinda playing between both of you and leaning emotionally on you, something he can't do with his current gf.

 

I would back away from all of this and call it a day. He already dumped once and emotionally cheated on his current gf with you. I don't know what to call that phone sex, but that's some sort of cheating as well. It isn't right.

 

You can definitely do better.

[Starlight925]

Let's get this straight:

You moved to a new city to be with him.

He breaks up with you.

He then sees you for a night, having sex with you, before.....ooops, telling you he has a girlfriend.

You reach out a few months later, have phone sex with him, while you know he still has this girlfriend.

He continues to tell you how much he loves you, but that he "can't" leave his girlfriend, who he supposedly doesn't love.

 

I know this is your first love, but please don't let this be your last.

 

Do your best to make friends, keep yourself busy, and when you are ready, to date. They're not all like this. Throw this one back.

[Foreverweekend]

That's a very messy situation and I can tell you're doing your best trying to draw a line, but you couldn't. You had phone sex and exchanged flirty and emotional texts while he was with another girl. It doesn't matter why he's still with her, that's not the sign of someone who is relationship material.

 

You say you grew up, but your actions speak otherwise. I know love makes us do stupid things, but a mature woman wouldn't even entertain the idea "when you're single". Either he leaves her and makes up his mind or you tell him to back off. Would you like to be in her position? No matter what the hell is going on between them or how toxic that relationship is. Would you? Put yourself in her shoes and then slowly realize that he's kinda playing between both of you and leaning emotionally on you, something he can't do with his current gf.

 

I would back away from all of this and call it a day. He already dumped once and emotionally cheated on his current gf with you. I don't know what to call that phone sex, but that's some sort of cheating as well. It isn't right.

 

You can definitely do better.

 

I had a moment of weakness but then I saw things clearly and yes, you are right... It was not a mature decision of me to have any sexual talk with him on the phone but I quickly drew my boundaries afterwards. He behaves like a boy still, not like a grown man.

 

He attempted to guilt trip me and victimize himself for snitching to his girlfriend last time... LMFAO but I don't regret it and would have done it again because she deserved to know. This time I am glad that although he kept asking, I did not agree to see him in person and that we never physically touched eachother. I feel bad for his girlfriend and wish I could tell her what he did. I have screenshots of everything he said and could expose him but see no point when she clearly stayed with him the last time too and it was partially my fault. Prayers for her that she see his true colors and time to move on. Thank you for the honesty! I don't want anyone who sees me as an option.

[abitbroken]

Also, I am five years younger than him and feel that in the last six months, I have grown and changed a lot maturity wise and only wish for him to see that. I was always kind, forgiving, and mostly understanding while we were together, but I feel I have grown a lot in regards to giving respect and space. I only want him to see that... will he ever come back? Do I have hope? I never got to see him the way I wanted to...

 

No. Put him behind you. The problem is not that you were not "grown" enough, but the problem was that he is a cheater and the two of you are just not a match -- except for sex.

Just continue putting him behind you and making new friends in your new city -- or going back home. I know you want to pray she sees is true colors -- but you don't even see them if you are still wanting to meet up with him to 'show him how you've grown'.

[MissCanuck]

This guy is playing you for a fool, and you're eating it right up. Same goes for his girlfriend. He's ripping pages right out of the Player's Guide To Getting a Girl to Have Sex With You, and you're believing what he tells you, which is a grave mistake. He is a known liar. You realize he's probably told his girlfriend all the exact same things he's said to you - how he is in love with, please give him another chance, he wants to have babies with her, she means everything to him! She stayed, right? Something kept her there, and it was probably the same sweet moves he used on you. And honestly? There is every chance he wasn't faithful to you during your relationship, either. I can nearly guarantee it - guys like him are opportunists, and considering you were long-distance, well, you need to understand that his cheating with you likely wasn't his first rodeo with infidelity.

 

You think he can do better than his girlfriend - but in reality, she can do better than him. And so can you. He's very low-quality: immature, dishonest, impulsive and self-serving. In other words, you need to raise your standards and ask yourself why you would want a clown like this back. He's not boyfriend material at all.