Everyone normalizing friend's behavior

[Lovelavie]

I recently got in a fight with a friend, where she threatned to hit me if I kept talking. The issue we fought about is even more absurd. I'll be driving to the beach after work and later tonight we'll be going to a party. She was going in the car with me along with other friends. I was paying for her gas since she is out of money and I offered to help her with that. She told me that I was going to have to drive to the party and I told her I didn't want to because 1. I would be tired 2. The road back to the house is dangerous 3. I obvisously want to drink at this party. She then got mad and said she wasn't going to pay the uber to the party and that she no longer wanted to go with me in the car because I didn't wanna drive to the club. Like... really? It's my car I do whatever the hell I want. She started getting really angry and said I could go screw myself and we started arguiuing. She then said that if I didn't shut up she was gonna hit me. (Let me remind you this was all inside a taxi car and I was really embarassed). After we got out of the car I told her if she wanted to talk we could and work things out, and she said no and that she was gonna miss the trip if she found no other way to go, which was really dumb to me.

 

One of my best friends who is also friends with this girl said she wasn't gonna take sides and that she doesn't "judge" her for the fact that she wanted to physically hurt me since she's done this before with ex boyfriends. Also she never said that the other friend was wrong to do this. She told her that's just how she is, as if anyone is obligated to accept another's behavior because "that's just how the person is", so it's ok to go around physically hurting people because "that's just how you are?????" I thought this was really unthoughtful of her to not take sides or at least say that she was wrong. All she said was "yeah, she can be hard to deal with". None of the other friends who are also going said anything about it either, it's like everyone thought this was a normal behavior.

 

I absolutely HATE fights and I think everything can be talked through, but I feel like everyone else around me is making an excuse for her acting this way. I try to be nice to everyone and I'm always on the easy going side, always calm, always patient but I feel like this is never recognized. I feel like I have to be mean and say horrible things in order to people actually see I have any reason in a situation like this.

 

I was excited about this trip but I'm no longer excited as I feel this girl has manipulated everyone into thinking I'm the wrong one in this situation and I'll be left out on this trip... I feel this is such an absurd situation I still can't wrap my head around this.

[yatsue]

It doesn't sound like they think she's right in threatening you like this. They're saying she does this all the time, aka it was an empty threat. They don't want any drama and just want to enjoy themselves at the party. So they aren't going to take sides to prevent any continual drama into the night.

 

If I were you and this girl isn't going to the party, I would just find an uber or someone else to drive you to it. Cut off the belligerent friend. If she ever threatens you again, do threaten to tell her that you'll call the cops. It should shut her, or anyone, up.

[DancingFool]

Agree with above in that it doesn't sound like anyone is normalizing her behavior but rather avoiding drama and trying to calm things down so that everyone can head out and have a nice time instead of blowing things up bigger and wrecking the evening completely by turning this issue between you and her into WWIII involving the whole group.

[j.man]

She then got mad and said she wasn't going to pay the uber to the party and that she no longer wanted to go with me in the car because I didn't wanna drive to the club.

I mean this is where the disagreement should have been over. She doesn't want to pay for gas or an uber and doesn't want to take the wheel, it sounds like that's that. Personally, unless they would be physically taking up another friend's spot who is able to accommodate, I wouldn't just tell them, "too bad, so sad, take an uber." But, as you said, it's your car and you're free to draw the line in the sand wherever you want to. She's free to decide whether it's worth the trip if she has to pay for an Uber or be DD. But why were you continuing to talk about it to the point she was threatening you? Not an excuse to throw out threats of violence, but it sounds an awful lot like you couldn't let go of the fact you couldn't use your friend being broke to get her to DD for you. Next time just let it go.

[Lovelavie]

I know I should've let it go, but I got so mad I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And the way she was saying it. If she'd said it in a calm normal way, but it was like she was demanding that I drove to the club against my will and I'm not Buda so of course I got mad. Things escalated quickly, friends fight of course, but this was beyond the line for me. Physical aggression is never excusable in ANY situation for me.

[catfeeder]

I absolutely HATE fights and I think everything can be talked through,

 

Okay, good, I think you're right. So why didn't you just diffuse this instead of escalating the heat?

 

I would have found the girl's ludicrous sense of entitlement to be pretty funny, given that I'm the one with the keys, the car, the offer and the power to play out my own agenda regardless of whatever she opts to do.

 

Why take offense when you're the owner of the menu? Just laugh, say that your offer stands if she'd like to take you up on it--otherwise, she can find a better offer, and you'll see her there.

 

but I feel like everyone else around me is making an excuse for her acting this way.

 

No, they're kindly telling you that they're not going to play. You got yourself into your own argument, and nobody else 'owes' you the discomfort and inconvenience of involving themselves just because you want to spread the toxins around. This isn't their monkey, and they won't allow you turn their time into a circus they don't want.

 

I try to be nice to everyone and I'm always on the easy going side, always calm, always patient but I feel like this is never recognized. I feel like I have to be mean and say horrible things in order to people actually see I have any reason in a situation like this.

 

You're attention-seeking with the wrong stuff. Your 'situation' was unnecessary, and it's yours to manage.

 

I was excited about this trip but I'm no longer excited as I feel this girl has manipulated everyone into thinking I'm the wrong one in this situation and I'll be left out on this trip... I feel this is such an absurd situation I still can't wrap my head around this.

 

You've seen something that you don't like about a person, and you're entitled to disengage from her emotionally and withdraw any offers you've made, but you do NOT own the right to disrupt everyone else's harmony with your choices.

 

You don't speak for this group, and that's what they are telling you. You can graciously accept that and resume your place in the trip, or not, but you don't get to dictate outcomes for anyone else without a boomerang of consequenses.

 

I know I should've let it go, but I got so mad I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And the way she was saying it. If she'd said it in a calm normal way, but it was like she was demanding that I drove to the club against my will and I'm not Buda so of course I got mad. Things escalated quickly, friends fight of course, but this was beyond the line for me. Physical aggression is never excusable in ANY situation for me.

 

You just answered your own problem, "I should have let it go." Well? You can do that now, or you can ruin your own time with it. That's your choice--nobody else's.

 

Head high, and choose wisely.