The push/pull game - I need some advice

[Eveline]

Hello people, I hope that you guys could help me out with my situation right now, because I am feeling very confused and sad.

 

Due to my work I had to move to another country for 2 months. At my workplace I have this colleague who sits opposite to me, so we face each other like 8 hours per day. I did not pay attention to him at all at the beginning, but he started to flirt with me, teased me and sent me signals that he liked me. After 4 weeks I started to feel something for him, and then one day he texted me, telling me how much he liked me and asked me if I wanted to come over to his house during the weekend. We had a really nice time together and we had sex, which was very great. We both agreed that this is not going to be serious because I will be back to my country and he is always very busy with his projects and we both have different lives, we both don't want to start any relationship right now. Until this point everything was really okay.

 

The next day I went home and I started to feel very sad, because I thought I had some real feelings for him and I was afraid that he did not feel the same. I then texted him that I felt kinda sad and I don't want to suffer for whatever reason, and that he shouldn't play with my feelings (such a stupid move, I know), he just said that all he wanted was that I could feel great and that we had a good time, nothing more. From this moment on I don't know why but I started to feel very needy towards him, I long for his attention all the time, out of the fear that he might not like me anymore. I'm amazed by how I was the one who was pursued at the first place and now it turns out that I want to pursue him. Now I come to him and hug him, and he didn't even hug me back (he is still very nice to me though). Normally I am not a girl who runs after a boy, I try my best everyday not to come close to him anymore but I just cannot help it.

 

At work we are back to normal, we smile and laugh, we go out for a drink as if nothing has ever happened, but he stops showing his affection too much like he used to do, he also did not text me anymore after our conversation. I feel that he does like me still but now he just doesn't want to cross the line again, maybe because I told him not to play with my feelings and stuff.

 

I have to mention that I have a feeling that he played the push/pull game with me, that is why I fall for him, because he is totally not the type of person that I like. Sometimes he showered me with affection and sometimes he is as cold as ice. I guess what I want more from this is just attention and the feeling of being loved and adored by him, and I was a bit offended because he stops chasing after me. In fact, I can never imagine us being together, but still, I don't know why I just cannot get him out of my head.

 

I feel very confused right now, I know that I contradict myself and I shouldn't have written him anything the other day. On the one hand I want us to be back like we used to be, I mean, closer than we are now, on the other hand I wish I could just stop liking him and ignore everything, but it is so hard because we see each other so often, I cannot distract myself from him. All I know for sure is that we will never be anything ever, and that I don't want to feel so sad and confused anymore. So now I come to the office, trying to smile and pretend that I am ok, but I am sad all the time. It sucks because I am supposed to work and enjoy my life here instead of feeling like this for a thing that doesn't even have a future.

 

I would appreciate any advice from you guys, I just don't know how I should behave to not lose my cool and how I should think to stop suffering like this. What should I do to get him back to be like before? Or should I really stop all of this?

 

Thank you very much in advance!

[ThatwasThen]

There is no need to feel confused. You went into this BOTH agreeing that is was going to be for a bit of fun and that is all. You'll be going home in no time at all and the distance will help you to stop obsessing on him.

 

If you want another bout of sex then be mature about it and invite him to come to your place or outright ask tell him you're interested in seeing him again for a do-over. Just stop thinking that your lust is anything more then lust. It's not, its just a chemical (oxytocin) reaction to your schtuupfest.

 

You'll be fine in no time at all if you never see him again. Its just about the sex.

[Springday]

You might feel this way now because u see each other so often but it will pass when u leave and start ur life there again. U have to think that no matter how much u pursue this, nothing will come of it as u two don't live in the same country. It will only result in more heartbreak and anger. He wants to just remember the nice time u had and part as friends and being cold towards u shows that he is giving u silent message to drop it. If u continue to pursue him, u will also loose him as a friend.

[pippy longstocking]

Because the line has being crossed it will probably never be the same again and I think the fact that you are still able to laugh and carry on going out with work colleagues together is as good as it is going to get .

 

I don't see any push pull , he flirted , he made his move , you went to spend the weekend with him , you both agreed it was going to mean nothing .....he stuck to his word , you changed yours . It is as simple as that .

 

I think you are on the verge of possibly making a fool of yourself , so best to just stop everything and accept it is what it is . He will soon be out of your system once you accept it all .

[quark]

Sounds like the sex hit you harder than you thought, and got you really attached so naturally you freaked out knowing that this won't be permanent. It wasn't wrong of you to express your feelings to him about it, but if someone texted me not to "play with their feelings" I would probably back away too..

[Jibralta]

Because the line has being crossed it will probably never be the same again and I think the fact that you are still able to laugh and carry on going out with work colleagues together is as good as it is going to get .

 

I don't see any push pull , he flirted , he made his move , you went to spend the weekend with him , you both agreed it was going to mean nothing .....he stuck to his word , you changed yours . It is as simple as that .

 

I think you are on the verge of possibly making a fool of yourself , so best to just stop everything and accept it is what it is . He will soon be out of your system once you accept it all .

 

I agree with this. Keep a cool head or you will make an ass out of yourself.

 

You're really not in a bad situation. He's being totally respectful. You are the one who changed the rules.

 

Be cool, woman. Be cool.

[Eveline]

Thank you all so much for your help. Suddenly I see things much clearer now than before You are so right! I'll keep it cool because I wouldn't risk anything destroying our friendship. He is a very nice person after all.

[Eveline]

Hi everyone, I just want to ask for your opinion on our situation right now. Things have progressed the way I did not expected. So last Friday after reading your comments I went to work normally and tried not to come to him anymore. Then on the way home after work he asked me if I had some plan for the weekend (I did not expect that). I said I would travel with a friend. Then he did not say anything. That night I thought of him and I wrote him to ask how he is. Then he started to say he wanted to meet me again and that he still want to hang out with me like crazy, that he missed me and that he would come to my place this week if I want and told me that he would wait for me on Sunday when I come back, that we could meet if I want. I was so relieved and I felt happy because after all he seemed to be still interested. But still, why didn't he make the move?

 

Then on Saturday night I wrote him that I'll be home at 6 on Sunday and we could do something if he want. He just said good night, kisses and nothing else. So on Sunday when I came back I did not write him anymore because I didn't want to give him the impression that I run after him. He did not write me either. I was a bit upset because I thought he didn't want to see me as he said. Today (Monday) at work, he asked me why didn't I write him anything and ask him what he was doing when I came back because we could have done something together. I told him that he should know that I was back at 6 and I was also waiting for him to write me. He said he was waiting for me, too. I was just wondering why he didn't even write me if he was waiting for me. During the day we are back to normal and after work I gave him a kiss and asked him if he wanted to come over this week. Suddenly he said "I don't know". I asked why, he said "I don't know". I was confused again.

 

The thing is, he confused me a lot of times, that's why I said I have a feeling that he's playing the push/pull game with me. He wanted to see me but he didn't ask. When we write each other he gave me kisses and talked very sweet to me, but he didn't show any emotions when we are together at work. This guy just drives me crazy, I don't know what to think and I totally lose my control around him. I don't really know if he wants me to run after him, or maybe he's just too insecure to make the move. I want to protect my feelings, my image and our friendship, but I don't know what he wants. I still have 3 weeks here and as long as I am here, I don't want to feel confused and distracted everyday. I've been trying to be mature about this and try not to think about it as anything more than lust, but still there is something going on inside me and I cannot understand myself anymore. Everyday I go to work, I'm happy to see him there and suffer from confusion at the same time. I hate that feelings. The last thing I want is to make a fool out of myself in front of him.

 

Anybody has an advice for me? I would really appreciate that! Thank you very much in advance!

[Jibralta]

If it wasn't a push-pull game before, it's becoming one now. But it takes two people to play that game. If you don't like it, stop playing along. What are you after here? You said you caught feelings for him but that he wasn't interested in more. You can't understand yourself because your behavior is irrational. Why are you making this worse for yourself? If I were your position, I wouldn't see him again outside of work. I would find a tactful way to rebuff his invitations to hang out. Seriously, draw the line before you get yourself hurt. Stop letting your hormones do the thinking!!

[milly007]

Be careful, OP. Don't fall down this rabbit hole. You've been there once before, which is what caused you to post this thread in the first place.

 

If you give in, you'll find yourself back at square one wondering where things went wrong, why you had sex, why he isn't texting you, etc., etc.

 

Don't put yourself in this situation, as you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

Continue spending time with friends, etc., but don't give into his advances. It doesn't sound like you're ready to deal with the repercussions of being intimate with him again.