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Just broke up and he wrote me on a dating site already (I have no pic so he didn't know it's me)!

Starlight925

By Starlight925
in Relationship Advice

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Starlight925 Grand Master

Starlight925

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1 1/2 year relationship, just ended due to my long previous post, long story short:

 

-Ex-GF's and his ex-wife texted, emailed, called, Facebook-posted constantly. He always said he "couldn't" do anything about it.

-When we met, he actually had 2 GF's going, although he says he wasn't exclusive with either one, they both cried and begged and pleaded, for months afterwards and continued to contact him for well over a year into our relationship

-Was still active on at least 3 OLD sites, several months into our relationship, then lied when I asked him

-Still talking about 2 different women he met prior to me, over 2 years ago, and how pretty they are, how much he liked them, and how he's still looking them up to see what they're up to, despite the fact that these were 1 date each

--Defensive, deflecting, and Blame - which is what I actually changed his phone contact name to. It's always my fault, that I can't let this go, or why do I mention exBF's (only when he's asked about my past), or blaming me for being insecure.

 

I have a dummy OLD profile that I've had for years, no pic. I used to use it to browse when I didn't want people to see that I viewed them. We broke up days ago, and he's been calling me ever since, crying, misses me so much, can't think about anything else, "devastated". Yet, there's his profile, with a new picture that he took a few days prior to our breakup, like, to get ready to put a profile together. Because I viewed him, he saw it, and even though there's no picture, he wrote to "me" to ask about me.

 

Note: I'm not interested in dating right now, at all. I just decided to log in with my dummy profile, and he was the first profile (most active).

 

I'm thinking of toying with him a bit.....so immature.....please stop me....lol.

 

FWIW, I haven't cried one single tear. I feel relief. I don't have to worry about this cr*p anymore.

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Starlight925 Grand Master

Starlight925

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Thanks. He actually called twice last night, so I called him back, thinking it was some emergency. He wanted to tell me an anecdote about his dog (yes, the dog that he shares with his ex, ugh).

 

Tells me he's been thinking a lot, and has a lot to share with me, but that he wants to spend a week or so and really formulate it, so that he can communicate it to me really well. That this is excruciating for him, he thinks about me all day long, his friends and family are so sad, etc. I did tell him that I spotted him on the site (as I'm not looking to play games with him), but I let it drop. What would be the point? Oh....he's wearing the shirt & BB cap I gave him for his first Bday that we spent together. Tacky.

 

So, imagine my surprise to get a message from him today, as he did not realize it was my dummy profile that viewed him. When I told him I saw him on the site, it didn't even occur to me to mention that I viewed him from a dummy profile, as I don't even have one anymore. He had no idea it was me. Just hours ago, professing his love for me, and today, trying to get me to meet up. The dummy profile doesn't even have a picture or any info.

 

Whatevs.

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Starlight925 Grand Master

Starlight925

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^

I thought you broke up with him a few days ago?

 

Yes I did break up with him a few days ago. The message I got from him was on the dating site, via my dummy profile. He had no idea it was me he was writing, as he thought it was a new girl who viewed his profile.

 

The site tells you who has viewed your profile, so I viewed his profile from my dummy profile, which was basically just a blank profile. No picture, no verbiage, nothing. He wrote to "that" girl.

 

Confession, y'all: I did write back to him. He asked me for a picture, and I said I had none, and he said it was ok, he didn't really have a "type". He asked me a few questions about myself, which I didn't answer. I was going to play back & forth with him for a bit, but I actually just kind of lost interest.

 

He had called ma last night to talk, at which point I was honest and told him I saw that he had a profile, but it didn't occur to tell him that I viewed him from an essentially blank profile. But that blank profile showed up as having viewed him, so he wrote to the blank profile.

 

My point is, at 10:00 pm, he's pining away for me, and at 8:00 am, he's writing to blank-profile-girl. Wow, that was fast.

 

Note: I did not end up writing back & forth with him on the blank profile, but he's sent several messages to that profile, asking where "I" (blank profile girl) am, etc.

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Starlight925 Grand Master

Starlight925

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OK, I'm going to get chastised for this, but here it is:

 

He keeps sending messages to my dummy profile (DP): "Have you forgotten about me?" etc.

3 or 4 unanswered messages in a row.

 

I was trying to leave it alone, I really was.....until....

 

I just sent him this (Chastise me, I know you all will!): "I just showed your profile to a friend of mine. She said you're practically living with your girlfriend. This is exactly why i didn't want to do online dating, so I'm removing my profile".

 

We are on a specific religious site, so the chances that we would know mutual people is very high.

 

I know, so childish of me.

 

However, this has confirmed the feelings I've been having. That he wasn't so much in love with me, but with the attention I had been providing him.

 

A year ago, the first therapist (of FIVE!) told me that the constant attention and appreciation I was showering him with (true) was what was keeping him bonded to me. She suggested that I, ever so slightly, return that level to what I'd consider a normal level of attention/appreciation. I had been constantly, daily, hourly, telling him how wonderful he was, how much I appreciated this text, or that phone call, or that dinner, each action. She suggested not to play games with it, but to "normalize" the levels, and that she had a feeling he'd back away from me. At the time, I didn't like that advice, and I loved his reactions when I expressed appreciation.

 

But her point was that his love for me wasn't just for me, it was for the appreciation I was showing him.

 

I just saw a movie with a line (paraphrasing): "People don't necessarily love you, they love how loving you makes them feel". So true in this case.

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Starlight925 Grand Master

Starlight925

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Stop playing these games. I a blank profile viewed me right off a breakup, I would honestly assume it was an ex.

 

Also, what's with the "that was fast" Comment? YOU are on a dating site - isn't that fast?

 

I'm not on the site. I have a blank profile that I've had for years. I had a hunch he was back on, so last night, while he was telling me sweet nothings (and yes, I was falling for them), I went to the site to see if he was on. I just had this feeling.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I let his words last night have an effect on me. So sweet, so thoughtful, and yet, as soon as I hung up, I just thought.....now why am I falling for this again. So, I opened up the site, and there he was. Telling me for 30 minutes how he wants to meet me in about a week, when he's had a chance to formulate how to say these things to me, that he wants me in his life so bad....but already out there.

 

Thing is, I was actually honest with him and told him that, prior to our phone call, I had viewed his profile, figuring he'd know it was me. But as soon as our phone call ended, and I went back to the site, he was showing "online and active" again.

 

This gave me clarity, which I needed.

 

So yes, it's games, but there it is.

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Starlight925 Grand Master

Starlight925

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You are saying you werent on the dating site, but you were. Having a dummy profile on there still means you were on the dating site.

 

You are wasting so much energy on this person. Why? What benefit do you get out of it?

 

We were together going on 2 years, with future life plans. So it hurts that within 2 days of breaking up, he's already out there, on dating sites. This was one of our earliest problems, that he didn't get off the dating sites until I broke up with him early on.

 

It's very easy to say it's wasting energy, but there are feelings involved.

 

I do get benefits out of it, those being that it shows me that I was right to question things all along. I now am seeing that I was gaslighted from the beginning. He was doing things (keeping online profiles, actively looking, for months into our relationship), lying about it, and then turning it around on me, deflecting, and getting defensive, and telling me it was just my insecurity. So it's helping me to step outside this and realize that it wasn't my insecurity, but rather his lack of honesty and integrity, that was the downfall of our relationship.

 

The difference between my dummy profile and his profile is that mine is just that: a blank profile, used for just viewing, which I haven't used in almost 2 years. I used to use it a lot to keep people i viewed on my real profile from writing to me, because they'd see that I viewed them. His profile has loads of photos, descriptions, and he's using it to actively meet someone. This hurts because it's only been a few days, and he's telling me how much he misses me and that he's working on a plan to get back together.

 

All while actively pursuing other women on the sites. So, he's also doing these women a disservice, holding himself out to be fully single, while trying to win me back. Which is exactly what he did to me: when I met him, he had 2 "girlfriends" going. That bothered me for a very long time, but he always had a defense, an excuse, a blame. Now I see.....it's just who he is.

 

So, this is helping me a ton.

 

Thank you for your comments.

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SherrySher Grand Master

SherrySher

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-Defensive, deflecting, and Blame - which is what I actually changed his phone contact name to.

 

I know someone perfect for this name!

 

And I think you should mess with him, the main reason being so that you can really see his true colors and not his lies. It will help you dump his a$$ once and for all and not feel one bit bad about it!

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MissCanuck Grand Master

MissCanuck

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Until you really sort out why you clung to such a toxic guy, you will probably continue to enable your own unhappiness too.

 

Yes, you got your confirmation that he's a jerk. But really, did you need to go on the dating site to prove that to yourself? There was a reason you were ignoring the huge red flags and continued to attach yourself, knowing all of the crappy and dishonest things he did. You need to understand what that was, so you can resolve your own dysfunctional behaviour too. He gas-lighted you, but couldn't have done so without your tacit consent. You have to get to the bottom of why you were consenting for so long.

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