Psycho Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 I've struggled with self harm issues since 5th grade. At first, it was something I did because I was a dumb kid who didn't know any better and at the time I didn't have any idea how to cope with my mental illnesses (which I can remember having since kindergarten) and nobody cared enough to stop me. It became an addiction really fast, in a matter of months I was doing it 3 times a day for about a year. Then slowly I weaned off, from once a day to once a week. When I was in 8th grade I felt horribly suicidal again and as a result the self harm was worse than ever. When High School came around, it was still happening at least once week. People were starting to catch on though. So I was in some sense, forced to quit so nobody would find out my secret. Since then, I've had relapses. It would only happen about once a year. But when it did happen, it was really bad. Closer to the end of Sophomore year I took a razor blade cutting tool into the shower with me and came out with over 45 scars all over my legs, after about a year of being clean. The worst part about that incident was that I knew I was going to relapse, I felt the urges and tried desperately to fight them. After it happened, I tried to reach out for help, nobody cared enough. It took about 7 months for my legs to heal. I've had relapses here and there, but I've been clean for almost 3 years now. ..The urges came back 2 weeks ago and they are getting harder and harder to fight. Today was stressful for me. I drove an hour and half out of my way for work (plus another hour and half back) and ended up getting nothing out of it. On the way home there was traffic and I was already stressed out as it was. I found myself compulsively thinking about that same cutting blade I used 5 years ago. I really wanted to see a therapist or a psychiatrist because I know these are not the thoughts of a mentally well person, and I should not remain unmedicated knowing I have some serious mental health issues. However, the deductible my insurance wants me to pay to see a doctor is far too high. I'm somewhat developmentally delayed, I worry that I don't know what I can to do help myself. When I asked for help recently the response I got was that I must help myself first, then others can help me after. How do I start doing that ? I really don't want to relapse, the guilt afterwords feels just as bad as the urge.. Link to comment
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.