Full scenario of my break up, want to get back together, please help! [WALL OF TEXT]

[Ackerack]

Hello,

 

So this is my first post ever on a forum like this. Apologies if this is long, but even if no one reads this I want all my thoughts on one page.

 

Yesterday, my girlfriend (F20) of a little over 6 months broke up with me (M21). We started dating in school, did long distance over the summer, and just when I was so excited to get back to seeing her all the time again, she ends it. So some background info first. Literally with a week left in the summer, I notice that she has been acting off for a couple days so I bring it up with her. To my surprise, she tells me that she has been dealing with feelings of losing the spark and intimacy that we had at the beginning for a while now, "over a month." She also says that she has just been fighting through it because she loves me so much and does not want to leave me. So I try and explain that I am going to be better, be more affectionate towards her, more intimate, initiate sex more, etc. I am very inexperienced, this girl took my virginity and I only have ever had one relationship and it was in high school. She, on the other hand, has had many boyfriends, at least 4 or 5, and has had sex with at least 15 people, maybe 20. So it's safe to say she is way more experienced, to the point where I will gladly admit I was too timid to make the first move. Like ever. In the full relationship, I never took the reigns and initiated sex (yes I realize how pathetic this is, but I got so anxious every time I thought about making the move). When we did have sex, to the best of my knowledge, she enjoyed it and always ended up getting off (although occasionally she would comment on how it was very tame sex). Anyways, this was maybe about 2.5 weeks ago and for at least a week I thought everything was going great. The beginning of the school year went well, we had sex three times in two days, with me being more confident than usual, and we were planning dates at a school in the middle of nowhere, sleeping together, making meals together, it was amazing.

 

Fast forward to this past Friday night, bottom line is I got uncomfortable at things I shouldn't have that were related to her past, got insecure and just left the room. I asked to talk but that was a huge mistake because she was very drunk and started saying that she didn't care how I felt in the moment. She apologized in the morning, but I learned later that she just told me what I wanted to hear and really didn't like how insecure I was and how uncomfortable I was getting in that situation. That was a big fight, the first time we ever went to bed angry. However, I thought we had made up reasonably well, and started looking past it. We had a good Saturday, and a good Sunday for most of the day. Sunday was a lazy day for us and we stayed in bed watching Breaking Bad for the majority of the afternoon. I started to feel that she was getting tired and I should let her get some sleep, and then insecure me goes back to my room and starts freaking out that she is not enjoying my company and that we need to fix something in our relationship because this isn't good. She completely agrees and asks for a 24 hour break for her to sort things out. I agree, while objecting but also understanding that it would benefit us both. Note that she says repeatedly that she does not want to break up at all, and we even had dates planned for later this week. She says she loves me and goes to bed.

 

We go all of yesterday without talking and then she calls me up to her room that evening. She opens the door and is absolutely sobbing, and just says that shes so sorry but she has to rip the band aid off that we are over. She is crying her eyes out, apologizing, saying she loves me but it's been like this for too long and she needs some time to be alone from everyone, including me. I think I take it pretty well, obviously I cried a little bit but didn't get angry or beg her not to do this (Except for maybe once or twice right away, nothing unexpected I don't think). At one point, she started saying something and stopped. I asked her what she was going to say and she said she didn't want to say anything to lead me on, so it would be better not to say anything. I'm there for another 10 minutes about when I ask if she thinks this is permanent, or what her feelings are. She again says that she doesn't feel comfortable answering that because she doesn't want to lead me on or string me along. I personally take this as she isn't sure what she wants, but it is also possible she just can't bring herself to say we are done forever, no questions ask (I seriously doubt this, but you never know). We hug, we both say that we love each other, and I leave as she tucks herself into bad, bawling and apologizing still. I tried not to react too emotionally because she was a mess and even though I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart, it was best for her, and best for me in the long run. I go back to my room and send her one more text along the lines of "You are an amazing person, I love you still, I want you to be happy so I will give you all the space you need, but I'll never forget the memories we made, and while keeping my expectations low, I really hope this isn't the end of us forever. I'll always be in touch, just reach out to me if you need anything." She responds saying thank you and that she will never forget the memories or the love either. That's the last I talked to her.

 

From that point til just now, just about 24 hours, I have done nothing but think of her. I have thought about my part in the demise of the relationship, and what happened throughout it all to make her do this. I came up with a long list of ways my personality has changed for the worse. I changed to make her happy all the time and wasn't the same guy she fell in love with. By trying to please her, I did the exact opposite, and I didn't realize that til after it ended. I relied too much on her for happiness, to the point where it wasn't even fair for her to be my support for everything. I had very little of a life outside of her, told her she was everything to me. I was insecure about sex, too timid to initiate affection, too emotional around her all the time, not confident in myself, too afraid to call the shots, the works. Like I said, this might as well have been my first relationship and I had no idea about anything except that I loved her and wanted her happy. I became unmotivated due to being slightly depressed this summer, but it had just started going away after starting school. She claims she doesn't know why she felt she had to break up, just that it wasn't working. But I really think that the process of reflection in the face of heartbreak has caused me to understand what exactly I did wrong, and I want nothing more than a second chance.

 

I'm not saying I want this chance now, or in a week, or in a month. I want it when I have matured enough to the point where I feel I can be the strong, confident man I was at the start instead of the insecure, powerless guy I turned into. But I don't know how to go about this. I plan on doing no contact for at least a week, but I don't want to wait too long unless that's the right move. I just want to let her know this is what I've realized, as an FYI, that I am working on it and still love her as she does me. The thought of never getting her back is terrifying. She was literally perfect, to the point where I tried entirely too hard to keep her and lost her. Ironic, eh? I guess I would just love advice on what you think can be done. We were friends before dating as well, and I realize part of why I'm so disappointed is because I just lost my girlfriend and my best friend in one strike, at least for the time being.

 

In my mind, she still loves me. She wanted our relationship to work more than anything in the world, and it didn't because I was blinded to the problems. I can honestly say that I thought long and hard about how I could change to improve things in the relationship before the breakup, and I didn't come up with ANY of the answers I did afterwards. It seems so clear now, but I guess that's what 24 hours of googling relationship advice online will cause you to realize. Should've done my research earlier. I am already beginning to think about what I can do to better myself, mature, be less insecure, etc. I am doing it for me, because it will help my throughout my lifetime no matter what, but I can't help but to imagine me fixing the problems and getting her back, for one more shot. I'm confident all I need is a chance, and I'm just worried that I won't get that chance. And if I can't, do I at least have the right attitude about this? I have never been heartbroken before, so maybe this is all crazy, but even after reading every single "you'll get over her, its over, move on." comment on the entire internet I don't believe it is true. Thoughts and advice would make my day, whether its good or bad news to me.

 

TL;DR: holy hell that was long. My girlfriend still loves me according to her, and I love her so much. I recognize the problems I was making (FINALLY, TOO LATE) and am going to start working on them. Want to know the best plan, regardless of what that is or how long it takes, to get her back, at least as a friend, and preferably that would turn in to something more.

[DanZee]

Well, you mentioned some interesting things. You're head over heels in love with her, but her past of sleeping with 15 guys and having 4 or 5 different boyfriends at age 20 shows she's not capable of having a long-term relationship. I think this has been a pattern with her. She bails out of the relationship, quite possibly when she starts feeling something deeper. She may be doing this because she's from a divorced family or she was cheated on with her relationship and she has deep-rooted fears it could happen again and breaks things off. I guess I'm saying, it's not you it's her. Not to sound like a cliche, but do try to find another girl.