My boyfriends father is dying from lung cancer as we speak

[Engine]

So, my boyfriend's father is dying of lung cancer. He is currently in the hospital but they don't give him more than a few days to live. My boyfriend is already a person who hates showing his emotions to anyone other than a very few select people including me. He has been staying at the hospital for days straight and he barely eats as it is but he wont leave the hospital room at all. I try to bring him food but i cant always be there as i work and live about 45 minutes away from the hospital.

 

I just have never dealt with death before and i have no idea how i am going to have to deal with my boyfriend after his dad passes. Like, he talks about it and knows it's going to happen, and has known it was going to happen months ago but he says he is just going to play his feelings away in video games (which i play with him) and i know thatss how he wants to cope but i feel like i should do something more? But he just gets mad at me when i ask him how he is feeling and i am a SUPER emotional person.

 

Am i just to emotional? Should i just leave him alone for a while and just stop asking anything? I just have no clue how to deal with this and i don't want my naggin to hurt our relationship.

[rosephase]

Make it clear that you are there for him if he can articulate his needs but for god's sake don't hound him to be emotionally available while his father is dying. You can keep gently checking if he needs anything from you but don't push him. He's going through enough and not everyone expresses feelings in the same way. If he gets mad when you ask him how he's feeling STOP. This isn't about you. This isn't about how you think he should react. Being a supportive partner can look a lot of different ways. Believe him when he tells you what he wants.

[melancholy123]

You should probably step back at this stressful time for your bf and his family. It's one thing to know a person is going to die and another thing when it finally happens. You cant predict how he will react. If he gets some sort of relief from video games, then that's what he'll do. Let him know you are there if he wants to talk, but back off a bit.

[ThatwasThen]

If he gets mad at you for doing anything more then playing video games with him then you don't need to do anything more then play video games with him.

 

He's escaped that way before his dad's illness and he'll escape reality that way when his dad passes. There is nothing You could ever do to get him out of that way of coping with life in general.

[Engine]

Yea, I planned on backing off, I just feel like im being a bad friend doing that. My family deals with things so differently.

 

Also, isn't dealing with things by ignoring them so bad for you? All i have ever been told is not to ignore your feelings, or bottle them up.

[ThatwasThen]

Yea, I planned on backing off, I just feel like im being a bad friend doing that. My family deals with things so differently.

 

Also, isn't dealing with things by ignoring them so bad for you? All i have ever been told is not to ignore your feelings, or bottle them up.

That may be so but you're not going to change him. If he shows you some serious repercussions from bottling up his emotions then you might consider suggesting he see a therapist to help him or you can buy him the book "The Five Stages of Grief" or something else on grieving and see if it helps.

[Engine]

Yea.

 

Hopefully it doesn't come to him exploding, he has allot of friends who know what he is going through and maybe he will talk to them.

 

And I know it's not about me, but I feel kinda hurt he doesn't feel like he can talk to me about it. I wouldn't tell him that, but it does upset me.

[Engine]

So his dad passed this morning around 730.

 

He is taking it ok. His mom decided that he needed to go home yesterday and get some rest and pretty much booted him out of the room. She stayed there last night with him. She sent my boyfriend a text last night at around 12 that they were going to stop all IVs and take the tube out of his lungs that was draining fluid and just give him pain medicine.

 

We played Destiny 2 together and stayed up till about 4am and then passed out. we got the text this morning that he passed and we just went and made coffee and sat together watching TV and then I had to leave for work. But he seemed ok.

 

just wanted to up date the situation.