He Doesn't want me enough and it's killing me

[Hannimal999]

Hi all,I hope I've posted this in the right category! My heart and head is a mess and I just need to get the whole thing off my chest and hopefully some objective advice!!

 

In a nutshell,I feel like I've met the guy for me but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. That's the nutshell but let me rewind to the beginning. I'm 30,I work in house for an insurance company doing their direct recruitment. I started in January after many years working on the agency side. After a couple of months I got talking via email to one of the recruiters who supplies candidates to us.

 

To give u a bit of background this guy is 40,and owns the recruitment firm. We had great banter for 6-8 weeks over email and phone and then finally met for a recruitment meeting. There was obvious spark and chemistry immediately. He messaged me straight after the meeting and we agreed to go out the next week. We'd then be messaging constantly sometimes until 1/2 in the

Morning on a week night. We have wonderful chemistry in that we both have that same mindset re banter and jokes and I felt like this was someone I'd known for years.

 

We went out first back in April,had a great time (but didn't sleep with each other as both got too drunk) and have been out 4

More times since. So not a massive amount all in all. Numerous times he has had to cancel on me. Property abroad got burgled,needed to do something with his son etc etc. A few times I lost my patience about this n was very honest saying how I felt about him. The penultimate date we had he told

Me he had two children. I only thought it was one but he has 2 who are 10 and 8. He is divorced and has been for 3/4 years.

 

He went away to Spain a month or so ago and I decided I was going to lose my mind if I didn't get it off my chest how I'd fallen for him big time and wanted us to give it a go as a couple. We had previously discussed it and he said because of all his commitments (own business, 2 young kids,various properties he owns) we just couldn't be together. After I laid my feelings out to him via a massive text when he was on holiday I got so upset he didn't acknowldge really how I felt at all about him. But came back,suggested we go for dinner to have it out face to face. Again he said the same thing,and I just know I can't compete with his children. He was very open and said look it's not you,I just don't want to be serious with anyone right now. Already he'd cancelled on me for several dates and said if we did get together it would just disappoint me.

 

I feel like if he really really wanted me he would have given it a go. The problem is I'm finding it so hard to move on,we still have to talk for work stuff fairly regularly. He has suggested we go for dinner,hotel etc in a couple of weeks but emphasised it will just be fun. He said it was really hard for him to tell me that last time but he could only be honest.

 

I've agreed to go out with him in a couple of weeks but I feel like I'm making a big mistake. I've never felt like this about anyone before. Yes he's minted,yes he's charming,yes he's successful but it's the banter and how we just click which I've never had before. The fact he said we'd be together if he didn't have these commitments is some consolation to me. But if we were as perfect for each other as I have painted out here I know in my heart of hearts we'd be giving it a go. My issue is I'm finding it so hard to move on. I think I've accepted the fact we will never be together but I'm struggling to move on. I feel like my heart has been broken a little.

Maybe an over reaction but I've never ever felt like this about anyone before. I know I should do no contact but it's so difficult as I still have to talk to him re work. Basically I just want this ache and pain to go away. Any advice / experience of being in the same situation would be great for me to hear.

[MissCanuck]

Don't go for dinner with him. Your feelings are too strong and it will hurt you when you part ways, and he still doesn't to get involved. You say you don't know how to move on - I guarantee you that agreeing to have dinner with him isn't the way to do so.

 

His actions reflect his assertion that he isn't available to be in a relationship with you. Maybe it's truly his busy lifestyle, maybe he just doesn't feel strongly enough about you, heck, maybe he's actually already seeing someone else. The point is that you need to listen to what he's telling you and keep your interactiosn strictly professional from now on. No more texting until all hours of the night, no more dinners.

[Keyman]

You are right, if he really wanted to be with you he would have said he really wanted to be with you.

 

What he IS saying is that he wants a FWB situation. He wants the fun, he wants the sex, but he does not want the commitment. He has said this several times.

 

What you should do is put some distance between yourself and him. You are going to get strung along, not because he is doing it intentionally, but because you are letting yourself. By consenting to be his FWB you are saying you are good for everything that entails, with no commitment. BUT, you want the commitment, so you are going to tail along in vague hope that this will happen. You might get lucky, but more than likely, you are going to be posting here time and time again wondering why he doesn't want to be with you.

 

So, back away, keep it all professional. Stop the banter. This is important, as it will just drag you along again. Tell him straight up that you don't want to be in a FWB because you already have feelings, and tell him straight up that you both need to pull back and stop the banter.

[nutbrownhare]

Just give it time. To get over him, I mean.

 

You may have tremendous chemistry re: banter and jokes, but this is not a strong enough foundation for a relationship. (Just as an aside, in the past I'd be friends with anyone who could make me laugh - this has meant that I've had some really dodgy friendships over the years, and experience has taught me to be more selective!) Also, you've only met up with him four times and if you were actually dating, with a view to having a relationship, it would still be too early to tell if you were really compatible. Effectively you are in the "honeymoon period" which is why your emotions are running so high.

 

Although you're convinced he's the one for you, you're also aware that he's not actually available. He's very clear about what he wants from you - friendship/sex with no strings - and is honest about how he'd disappoint you if you did get it together. He's right, he would. And the fact that he's cancelled on you so many times suggests that he's backing off because you're getting serious, OR he's seeing someone else on the friendship/sex with no strings basis OR both.

 

From now on, you need to keep things strictly pleasant and professional. Don't go out on dates with him, because that will just set you back in any healing you might have managed. Is it absolutely necessary to have recruitment meetings with him, or could it all be dealt with via phone or email? Is there someone who could go in your place?

 

Given that YOU'RE the client here, are you actually obliged to use his services at all?

[Moesta86]

Keep things professional and try not to be tempted to meet for drinks or hotels.

He seems to be a very nice guy and honest too by the look of things. I just feel that if you did try anything further with him you will end up getting hurt and resentful towards him. Rather keep your distance and continue with the work relationship as that's the only thing going well right now?

 

Best of luck to you!

[Hell_On_Heels]

I agree with what everyone has said. Be kind to yourself, and keep it professional only.

 

I went through a period where I felt the same way he does - that I couldn't manage a relationship. I was overwhelmed, dealing with a lot of very emotional family issues, working a busy job, and going to college. I honestly had nothing left to give to anyone else. Occasionally I'd meet someone super cool, and I was very upfront about my lack of time, and that I couldn't handle a relationship. It shocked me how hard people would fight me on that.

 

It wasn't that I felt nothing for them. I often liked them very much. It was more that I knew I was already overextended, and if I tried one more thing, I would fail at all of it - my kids, my job, my schooling. That simply wasn't an option for me...and it might be the same for him. I couldn't have pushed myself into a relationship if I tried. I just didn't have enough heart left for it.

 

I say this because it's important to know that it isn't you. It's where he is in life. He obviously respects you enough to tell you that, even when he knows it hurts you. It's not a rejection of you as a person. It's a rejection of one more thing that might topple everything he's working towards.

 

Please believe what he's telling you, and take care of you.

[Andrina]

Don't stick around thinking he can't but help but to fall in love with wonderful you, and that he will want to become exclusive. When a guy is finally ready to become serious, it's usually always with someone else. A guy who was really into you would never let you be free and single for some other man to come by and whisk away.

 

Tell him from now on, the communication will be about business only, and no more personal banter or get togethers.

 

When I was single, I did want a co-worker so badly who seemed interested in me and couldn't figure out why he didn't ask me out. Much later, I became friends with a woman who worked in the building who had dated him at this time. They had kept their relationship a secret because they didn't want co-workers gossiping. They broke up after a year. Seeing him from her eyes, he was not good bf material because he'd been flirting with me during that time, plus, she said he was an alcoholic, which I wasn't aware of.

 

I'm now glad nothing happened between me and him. Sometimes, we don't know what's best for ourselves at the time, and in hindsight, realize it was for the best that our fates lay elsewhere. When you meet a man who makes you a priority and doesn't make excuses, and doesn't regularly break dates, you will say, "Oh, so this is how it's really supposed to be. You were so worth the wait."

[Hannimal999]

Hi All. This is the first time I've had real objective advice. I re read the replies over and over and realised what am I doing. I'm causing my own pain.

 

I took control of the situation at lunch and said I can't see u on the date we agreed in a couple of months. I got upset I cried. He said he wasn't going to take no for an answer as he enjoys bein with me but just can't give me what i want coz he just has no time. We ended the call. He messaged sayin that was a horrible call I'm

Sorry I've upset u so much it wasn't my intention. I said I just can't have anything to do with u from a personal perspective right now and would message for a night out when I'm not so broken and damaged and have asked him not to contact me until i contact him. It was very very hard for me to do that. I've deleted his number,all the saved messages and pictures n I guess tomorrow is my first day of really moving on. Just very upset I finally really really

Click with someone who's just not available. But thanks guys. To hear it how it is with objective advise made me take this painful step. Thank u all. Is much appreciated. X.

[nutbrownhare]

(((HUGE HUGS)))

 

It's painful now, but nothing like as painful as it would have been if you'd continued trying to have a relationship with this guy. Just be very, very nice to yourself, and surround yourself with people who really care about you.

 

Let yourself know that it will pass.