Help!! I don't know what I should do about my mum

[Mille]

At the beginning of this week my mum was angry with me for not cleaning my room (I was given an impossible timescale to do it in. But I was able to clean about half of it). While she was shouting at me she then told me that 'I have been nothing but a drain on this family, a waste' and that 'I've never once completed anything in my life' despite completing my GCSEs, A levels, DofE gold and grade 5 in piano amoung numerous awards and achivements in school. I am now attending university. My mother has made a lot of comments and this was the nail in the coffin for me. I've always given her a second chance but I know I'm beginning to loathe her and I want to know if I'm right to be mad and angry at her or if I am really selfish as she tells me every single time we have an argument. So please be honest with me because I don't want to be a bad person.

 

My mum as always had a short temper. Anything and everything could set her off but the problem was you never knew what. She used to smack me when I was younger whenever I did something wrong but stopped when I got older. What she would use however was her voice. She would yell and yell. One time it was because I handed one to many tissues and another was because I wanted to be an manga-ka (I person who illustrates and create comics in Japan). I remember when I told her this we were in the car and she slammed to breaks on in the middle of the road and screamed (thank goodness there wasn't any cars behind us).

 

I have never been right. It is always either me or dad who gets the blame and you can bet that if she's mad at exclusively one of us she'll drag the other one of us into it with a sinde comment such as 'both of you are the two most selfish people I have ever met' even when the other person had nothing to do with the subject in question. When she's mad she'll also mock and mimick my voice 'oh look ay me I'm [name] and I've never done anything wrong'. My mother was never in the blame. Not once for the twenty one years I have lived in this household and when I call her up on something that she is clearly to blame for she pulls the victim card by saying 'oh it always me! I'm always the one the blame! It's always my fault!'

 

On my second year of university I was diagnosed with depression which consumed my life. I couldn't see the point of anything anymore and I spent three solid months in my university dorm room either feeling numb or in tears. I only left when I had to use the bathroom or to get food. At this point I also developed a toxic relationship with food. I would starve myself untill I was crippling over in hunger and then when I couldn't take it I would just eat non stop and stop JUST before I would be sick. I gained 50lbs in just over several months. It was decided that the best thing for me was to go home early and to repeat the year. Both the doctor and the counselor tole me that I should do nothing but 'rest' and recover. When I called my mum to tell her the first thing she said to me was 'well if you think you're going to be laying about the house as you've been doing all year at university you can forget it'. She was convinced that I was being nothing but lazy and both my mum and my dad said that I was spending far too much time in my room not seeing that doing such a simple task such as washing the dishes would leave me completely exsausted.

 

I was also never alowed to cry, I would get yelled at for doing so. I also wasn't allowed to be in pain. When I was about the age of 12 or so my mum developed arthritis (it's important to note here that my mum had a short temper before this). One time I was hurt and in pain and my dad told me that I should keep it in and wasn't allowed to complain because my mum was expericing worse. It meant that they don't take my injuries seriously. One time I was off school because I felt nauseated and they asked me to make the dinner! When I felt like I was going to be sick! Surprise, surpise the fumes from the food make me sick and when my mum and dad returned to find me scrubing the stairs because I didn't make it to the bathroom in time she actually tutted, sighed deeply and then rolled her eyes.

 

The main problem is that when my mum isn't angry she's nice. She seems normal, just doing regular stuff and it makes me feel guilty for disliking her. I'm just so confused. One minute she's nice and gifting me stuff and the next she's yelling at me for something as stupid such as my shoes making a squeeky sound when I tripped and nearly fell on the kitchen floor. I just don't know what to do. Help.

[rosephase]

It sounds like your mom might have a personality disorder. Take a look at this web sight and see if it rings any bells.

 

 

 

Diagnosing her won't help in the long run but it can help you understand what has been happening and let you gain some context. The only real option is to move out. You won't be able to heal while she still has so much power over you.

[melancholy123]

My mother was like your is, in many ways. Hurtful remarks, lack of sympathy, hitting, yelling. Many parallels. I put up with it until I finished school and then I moved out one day with the help of friends, and lived in some pretty crappy places, but it was better than being in the same house with her. The guilt trips she and my dad tried to impose on me didnt work. I vowed to myself to live in a cardboard box on the street before I'd ever move back into that house. I never lived on the street, and I never moved back home.

 

Can you move out into your own place, with a roomie to help with the rent? You won't change your mother, she is who she is. Your best bet is to get out of there. My mother remained a bitter old woman until she died. We never got along and to be honest, I was relieved when she died as she couldn't attack me anymore.

[Starlight925]

This book, posted here originally by LaHermes (thank you!) has helped me so much, in a similar situation:

 

"Mothers Who Can't Love"

 

 

It will explain so much to you, and let you know that you are not alone. You are not wrong. You are in a company of other girls who have unfortunately drawn the short end of the mother stick.

[nutbrownhare]

Like Melancholy, my mother used to behave like this. I left home at the age of 17 and never went back.

 

You can't change another person, and you're left with the reality of who she is... if it's any consolation, if someone tells you you're selfish/uncaring/insensitive/insert derogatory adjective of your choice here, what they're effectively saying is "You're not doing what I want you to do!" and it can be instructive to look at who's really being selfish/uncaring/insensitive in the situation. It's not usually the person who's being accused of it.

 

You have some serious emotional health issues of your own, and living with someone who treats you like this will not help at all. Is there any way you could move out? Is there a friend or family member who you could stay with, to give you a bit of support while you build up a life independently of her?

 

I went to work on an archaeological dig, where accommodation was provided. Very basic, but better than being in a dysfunctional family situation. There may be ways out for you, too.