Pregnant Girlfriend says she doesn't know if still in love.

[MartinMac]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 12 years. We met when we were both young and fell in love about a year after dating. Around 5 years ago we moved in with each other and things were good. We had our rough patches like any couple but always worked through them. She would give me signs she was ready for a child and although I felt we weren't ready financially I loved her so I thought, why not? I'm 32 and she is 28.

 

We tried and after a test we found out she was pregnant. She didn't seem too excited for some strange reason. I thought maybe she was just scared as it's her first baby but come to find out, it was because she wasn't really happy with me anymore. She didn't know if she was in love any longer. It was a knife through my heart. Here she is, at the time 2 and a half months pregnant with our first kid and she's telling me this now? NOW?! Saying she felt stuck and was forcing it and that she deserves to be happy. I'm at a total loss for words. I mean, I too deserve to be happy and put a lot of my goals and dreams on hold because of her. I didn't want to leave her behind to persue them. NOW she's telling me SHE isn't happy while pregnant with our first child?! Couples fall in and out of love, I get it, it's normal for long term relationships but to want to end it after letting me lay up with you to have a child?!

 

Is it the hormones pushing her to the brink of wanting to break? Is she just overwhelmed? I asked if she was willing to work on our relationship to save it and her response was she don't know if she could. And counseling I feel Is of no use as I already know the root cause of our issues.

 

I've fallen into depression, I can't eat. I can't focus on work. Right now I'm up in the middle of the night laying next to her as she sleeps and I'm here dying inside tossing and turning looking for help on this forum full of strangers. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel betrayed that she would do this to me and I'm starting to become resentful towards her. I feel as if she's robbing me of my future. Robbing me of my little family. I cried and cried Damn near begging her not to give up on us. She would say yes but it felt forced almost out of pity for me and days later I'm feeling the distance again. No kisses unless I initiate. No I love you unless I say it first. We haven't been intimate in weeks. I feel it's the beginning of the end. I want to walk away but I'm afraid if I move on she is going to regret it. Or worst Yet, she moves on and finds another man while I'm still trying to get over her.

 

We went out to buy baby clothes for a shower we were invited to and she makes comments about our baby and how I need to get used to buying baby clothes and in my mind I'm like "for what?" You want to leave me and raise the kid on your own. My worst fear is that she's met someone else but she told me she didn't. I believe her. She isn't that type of girl and is always home if not at work. I asked a hypothetical question to her that if she's fine with the idea of me being with someone else and she said no, but eventually will have to be. Just shoot me again why don't You? Then again I shouldn't have asked that dumb question but I just wanted to see where her head was at.

 

I've talked with her mother and she too is perplexed as to why she is doing this now. She wants to be happy she's about to be a grandmother but when she brings up the baby my girl isn't up for talking about it. Yet she can talk about the baby and how she looks forward to certain things but if anyone else does she's not too receptive.

 

She is now going on 4 months and although things seem normal when she gets home from work, she has regular conversations with me I can still feel the distance and I'm just a mess. I'm crying throughout the day in total disbelief. Here I am about to be a Dad I should be on top of The World but instead I just want to get burried in it to make it all go away.

 

Has anyone out there gone through trying times like this with their significant other and made it out alright? Should I press the issue and just speed up the process and send her back to her mothers If she genuinely believes she isn't happy with me anymore? My heart tells me to keep fighting for us but this anticipation is creating mental health issues and I just can't keep pretending things are alright when I know they're not.

 

I'm lost. I feel hopeless and I'm living my worst nightmare. Somebody help! 😖

[Lester]

"And counseling I feel Is of no use as I already know the root cause of our issues."

- What do you think are the root causes?

-----

 

Did you ever propose marriage, and if so, what was her response? If not, why not?

[MissCanuck]

Oh my goodness, OP - I am really sorry you're going through this.

 

Something that threw me was when you mentioned that she wanted to leave and raise the baby on her own. Did she actually put that out there as an idea? That she would just be a single mom and not really have you involved?

 

I ask because I have another question in the back of my mind, but would like clarification on the above first.

[MartinMac]

Oh my goodness, OP - I am really sorry you're going through this.

 

Something that threw me was when you mentioned that she wanted to leave and raise the baby on her own. Did she actually put that out there as an idea? That she would just be a single mom and not really have you involved?

 

I ask because I have another question in the back of my mind, but would like clarification on the above first.

Well not necessarily, She just meant we would split custody of the child I guess but yea she would pretty much be raising it on her own and I the same.

 

We actually had a long talk yesterday. I'm convinced she doesn't know what she wants to do. I explained to her my frustrations and fears and she did the same. Nothing was agreed upon other than I guess we'll take it day by day and if she feels the same way throughout the pregnancy she will end up staying at her mothers house for a little while so she can have some alone time without me and really see if that is indeed what she wants. She admitted she was afraid of losing me. She's afraid if she leaves I wont take her back. She's afraid of being on her own being we share a car and apartment but at the same time reinforced her feelings towards me saying it just wasn't the same. That there is no connection when we kiss. I told her it was okay that she wanted a break, couples fall in and out of love all the time and that I would be willing to wait for her. I suggested she leave amd just take some of her belongings.. even offered for her to take all the dogs as well as she loves them as much as I do but she refuses to go. She's just so unsure as to what she wants.

 

Here is the kicker... we got intimate after our talk and went to a baby shower together as if nothing was wrong and talked about the baby with other family members that were there. We smiled and laughed together and even kissed a couple times throughout the night. It was the closest I felt to being normal and a long time. I know we didn't fix anything... I'm sure she still feels the same way as of now but I'm not sure if talking then having sex kind of made her see things for what they truly are or if she's just forcing it and ignoring her feelings all together again which is what I don't want as it can be a disaster down the road.

 

I'm still lost and scared but feel a lot better and more optimistic that we may be alright. Fingers crossed.

[MartinMac]

"And counseling I feel Is of no use as I already know the root cause of our issues."

- What do you think are the root causes?

-----

 

Did you ever propose marriage, and if so, what was her response? If not, why not?

Never proposed. We talked about getting married many times. She talked about how she wanted it to be in the past. But when all of this happened before she told me how she felt but we knew we were pregnant she said don't even think about getting married right now as she felt overwhelmed with the pregnancy.

[MartinMac]

Never proposed. We talked about getting married many times. She talked about how she wanted it to be in the past. But when all of this happened before she told me how she felt but we knew we were pregnant she said don't even think about getting married right now as she felt overwhelmed with the pregnancy.

The root cause I believe is she just doesn't feel the spark and she's afraid things will go back to how they were when the baby gets here and she doesn't want to be stuck being unhappy.

[abitbroken]

Never proposed. We talked about getting married many times. She talked about how she wanted it to be in the past. But when all of this happened before she told me how she felt but we knew we were pregnant she said don't even think about getting married right now as she felt overwhelmed with the pregnancy.

 

Why on earth would you plan a baby with no marriage? you can't go back in time and marry in the past.

 

 

heres the other deal - when i was pregnant i was terribly hormonal. There were times i did not want to be touched in any way and i had no sexual feelings and kissing revolted me and there were times when i couldn't have enough. I would recommend relationship counseling and also being aware that i am not trying to be sexist but yes, hormones and viewing your body in a different way changes.

[abitbroken]

The root cause I believe is she just doesn't feel the spark and she's afraid things will go back to how they were when the baby gets here and she doesn't want to be stuck being unhappy.

 

does she realize marriage or long term relationships - fireworks don't happen all the time --- it becomes something more?

So how does breaking up or being together and not marrying guarantee she will be happy?

 

Sounds like she needs personal counseling.

[MartinMac]

Why on earth would you plan a baby with no marriage? you can't go back in time and marry in the past.

 

 

heres the other deal - when i was pregnant i was terribly hormonal. There were times i did not want to be touched in any way and i had no sexual feelings and kissing revolted me and there were times when i couldn't have enough. I would recommend relationship counseling and also being aware that i am not trying to be sexist but yes, hormones and viewing your body in a different way changes.

Marraiage is just a traditional religious ceremony and we aren't exactly the most religious people around. We understand the benefits we get from the state acknowledging us as a legal couple and all that but Weddings are expensive. It was a mutual agreement to wait for the right time. We were already technically married... at least I thought we were. My thing is... why agree to lay with me to conceive a child if you had these feelings?

[MartinMac]

does she realize marriage or long term relationships - fireworks don't happen all the time --- it becomes something more?

So how does breaking up or being together and not marrying guarantee she will be happy?

 

Sounds like she needs personal counseling.

I guess she doesn't. But you brought up a vwry good point about just plain being harmonal. She just isnt aware that is the main reason these feelings are amplified now.

 

You may be right though. I think counseling is definitely in order. I felt maybe as a couple... but we both may need individual help as well.

[KantSleep]

Hi MartinMac, I can't say I have experienced what you have, but I can say I feel your pain. You seem like a good person, shocked and deeply hurt. The best you can do is to be there for her during this pregnancy, and do things that demonstrate you care, and hope for the best. While I am sure this is a terrible roller-coaster ride for you, at least you two are talking and trying to sort it out. As others have stated, her hormones could be playing a role here. Counseling would be an excellent idea (as others have stated), to try and help you guys figure this all out. I wish you luck.

[MartinMac]

Hi MartinMac, I can't say I have experienced what you have, but I can say I feel your pain. You seem like a good person, shocked and deeply hurt. The best you can do is to be there for her during this pregnancy, and do things that demonstrate you care, and hope for the best. While I am sure this is a terrible roller-coaster ride for you, at least you two are talking and trying to sort it out. As others have stated, her hormones could be playing a role here. Counseling would be an excellent idea (as others have stated), to try and help you guys figure this all out. I wish you luck.

Thank you. You're right. I most certainly will. I think we will be okay. Everything isn't worked out yet obviously. It will take some time but I feel we have a better chance of making it now that we have spoken a few times about our feelings. We have quite a bit of work to do and although I'm not sure if she'll still decide to pack up and leave I'm hopeful we can go back to our old ways. If not, so be it. She does deserve to be happy and so do I but I think we both realize not every relationship is perfect and true love takes time, work and patience.

 

Wish us luck guys and thanks to everyone that contributed to my thread.

[chitown9]

All of her doubts about your relationship came up like a mushroom once she was pregnant. It does sound like hormones have a huge reason for her changes, if not the sole reason.

Couple counseling has been suggested to you...are you going to do it? chi

[Lester]

"[Marriage] is just a traditional religious ceremony and we aren't exactly the most religious people around."

- It's certainly not just a ceremony! Long before the expense, which can be as little or big as you like, there is the decision to to marry.

 

This decision is, or at least should be, the biggest decision of a lifetime.

Being so, it usually has the immediate affect of cutting the less mature/serious from the herd.

 

If she never wanted to get married, she most likely was happy with a single lifestyle and didn't want to change it.

In other words, and if that is the case, you wasted twelve years of your life.

 

If that not the case, if can be as Abitbroken said, or you are mean, abusive, or just not husband material. (Or she could just be effed up)

 

Sorry!

[MartinMac]

"[Marriage] is just a traditional religious ceremony and we aren't exactly the most religious people around."

- It's certainly not just a ceremony! Long before the expense, which can be as little or big as you like, there is the decision to to marry.

 

This decision is, or at least should be, the biggest decision of a lifetime.

Being so, it usually has the immediate affect of cutting the less mature/serious from the herd.

 

If she never wanted to get married, she most likely was happy with a single lifestyle and didn't want to change it.

In other words, and if that is the case, you wasted twelve years of your life.

 

If that not the case, if can be as Abitbroken said, or you are mean, abusive, or just not husband material. (Or she could just be effed up)

 

Sorry!

It certainly is just a ceremony. Like... literally. Marriages go through the exact same issues long term couples go through especially when the 2 people are living together and having a child. Behind the titles and all the glamour and glitz it is 2 people making a commitment to each other. They have the same aspirations, ambitions as the next couple. But ey, different strokes for different folks. I think having amd raising a kid is far bigger and a greater commitment than just getting married. If you can do make it through that... Marriage will be a cake walk.

 

But all of this is besides the point. I'm not abusive or mean. We both have our faults and I obviously acknowledge mine and understand she feels This way because of what I'm doing wrong. We're working it out and that's the only thing that matters. Let's move on from this marriage topic for its not the original post.

 

Thanks

[MartinMac]

All of her doubts about your relationship came up like a mushroom once she was pregnant. It does sound like hormones have a huge reason for her changes, if not the sole reason.

Couple counseling has been suggested to you...are you going to do it? chi

Yeah We are for sure considering it. Both couples and individual.

[MartinMac]

"[Marriage] is just a traditional religious ceremony and we aren't exactly the most religious people around."

- It's certainly not just a ceremony! Long before the expense, which can be as little or big as you like, there is the decision to to marry.

 

This decision is, or at least should be, the biggest decision of a lifetime.

Being so, it usually has the immediate affect of cutting the less mature/serious from the herd.

 

If she never wanted to get married, she most likely was happy with a single lifestyle and didn't want to change it.

In other words, and if that is the case, you wasted twelve years of your life.

 

If that not the case, if can be as Abitbroken said, or you are mean, abusive, or just not husband material. (Or she could just be effed up)

 

Sorry!

She never lived this single lifestyle. We live together and always spoke of the day we get married. We were just waiting for the perfect time.

[Lester]

...........

[tattoobunnie]

Yeah. Once you reach past five years, and you never proprose - YIKES. When you show you can't progress the relationship, even though it can takes years to come to fruition, they stop taking you seriously subconsciously. I would start falling out of love with you too. I think you need get your arse together. Be romantic as FU-K. Woo her. Then, and only, talk about why you love her, why you didn't propose, and why you want to get married. Go to a town hall; it only costs $50 to get married in the US. Invite close people, then have dinner together to celebrate. Done.

 

Sorry, it's not hormones. It's the thought of being with someone and raising your child with someone who will never legally commit to you. Having a kid changes everything, and your views on security and questioning if you are secure in the relationship.

 

If you do nothing, then I guarantee you will be adding Single Dad Saturday to your routine, and join the other single dads at the park.

[tattoobunnie]

And once you have a kid, it does not mean commitment to the relationship. Plenty of people are unmarried with kids, and feeling committed is still a problem.

 

It's very easy to mentally feel you can just go any time when you aren't married in comparison to people who publicly exchanged vows and professing their love and commitment in front of loved ones.

 

I don't think you two need counseling. I think you need to figure out if you want to marry her or not.

[MartinMac]

And once you have a kid, it does not mean commitment to the relationship. Plenty of people are unmarried with kids, and feeling committed is still a problem.

 

It's very easy to mentally feel you can just go any time when you aren't married in comparison to people who publicly exchanged vows and professing their love and commitment in front of loved ones.

 

I don't think you two need counseling. I think you need to figure out if you want to marry her or not.

I don't think you understand. lol.. We both wanted to wait. It's literally what we both wanted. You people are so tied up with this idea of marriage as if it was a make or break deal for us. Hahaa.. It wasn't. Sorry Ladies. Thanks for your input either way.

[itsallgrand]

I think it's really crappy what she is doing. She made a decision with you to get pregnant. Now is not the time for dramatics. It is your baby as well. You do not deserve to be f/ed around in this way. This is her issue in my very rarely humble opinion.

 

As to what you can actually do, well, maybe she needs to hear a bit more of how you feel and what you want. And be firm. Tell her your intended actions without asking her input this time. Something like " I am thrilled about this baby and becoming a dad. I fully intend on being around for everything and being there for the baby. I won't be riddled with worry about we stand right now. - my focus is on the baby. I want us to enjoy this time. Set this other aside for now because the baby is most important. I'm here for you. But I need and want you to be here for me too. "Inyour words.

 

It's not all about her. I think she needs to set her stuff aside as becoming parents is the bigger priority. She can worry about the rest later. Now isn't the time.

 

Then I'd go make sure I knew a good lawyer in case she decides to pull something to shove you out of seeing the baby on a full time basis. She's indicated an intent to do it, so cover your butt.

 

Maybe family can come to help here and there if she is overwhelmed and needs support.

[tattoobunnie]

I don't think you understand. lol.. We both wanted to wait. It's literally what we both wanted. You people are so tied up with this idea of marriage as if it was a make or break deal for us. Hahaa.. It wasn't. Sorry Ladies. Thanks for your input either way.

 

Wait for what? Till after you have kids? Okay, just approach this the same way, and don't deviate. I don't think counseling is in order here. You both don't have issues; she just has fallen out of love with you. So if you want to keep up with status quo, totally cool, but won't address anything she's thinking.

[MartinMac]

I think it's really crappy what she is doing. She made a decision with you to get pregnant. Now is not the time for dramatics. It is your baby as well. You do not deserve to be f/ed around in this way. This is her issue in my very rarely humble opinion.

 

As to what you can actually do, well, maybe she needs to hear a bit more of how you feel and what you want. And be firm. Tell her your intended actions without asking her input this time. Something like " I am thrilled about this baby and becoming a dad. I fully intend on being around for everything and being there for the baby. I won't be riddled with worry about we stand right now. - my focus is on the baby. I want us to enjoy this time. Set this other aside for now because the baby is most important. I'm here for you. But I need and want you to be here for me too. "Inyour words.

 

It's not all about her. I think she needs to set her stuff aside as becoming parents is the bigger priority. She can worry about the rest later. Now isn't the time.

 

Then I'd go make sure I knew a good lawyer in case she decides to pull something to shove you out of seeing the baby on a full time basis. She's indicated an intent to do it, so cover your butt.

 

Maybe family can come to help here and there if she is overwhelmed and needs support.

Thanks @itsallgrand. I think youre right too. In a way I'm starting to feel bad as if she's sick. She's not herself that much is clear but I think you make a great point. She did say to me she was afraid of losing me and that she felt she wasn't good enough for me anymore when she started to see me push back. She said she wanted space and I was more than willing to give her that space and even offered to help her pack. She refused. I mean... either you want to stay or go. She says she feels she needs to go but her actions are speaking louder than her words. I then suggested I sleep downstairs in the living room from here on out... She didn't like that idea either and insisted I sleep with her because she hates sleeping alone. I mean, either you want me in your life or you don't but it's clear her head is all over the place.

[MartinMac]

Wait for what? Till after you have kids? Okay, just approach this the same way, and don't deviate. I don't think counseling is in order here. You both don't have issues; she just has fallen out of love with you. So if you want to keep up with status quo, totally cool, but won't address anything she's thinking.

Not sure if you've read every post but we had a couple of talks already and it pretty much boils down to me being very busy with my business and not putting in enough work on us. She deserved way more attention than I may have been giving her. She was right. I fkd up and need to remind her of why she loved me to begin with. I need to find the old me and do as you said. Woo her. Be romantic again. Take her out on her days off. Go to more family gathering together. Stuff we did in the beginning. I'm hoping it works as I love her more than anything in this world.