Bf had Cancer before he met me

[deedee911]

I've been with my bf for 9 months. When we first met he told me he had cancer when he was 21 and came back 1 year later. He got thyroid cancer and he had to get a full thryodectomy. He has to take medication everyday for the rest of his life. So, my issue is I'm so scared. I'm scared because I have so many feelings for him and care for him a lot. But I can't seem to fall in love with him because I don't allow myself. I'm so scared to let go fall in love then potentially lose him again to cancer. I feel selfish for even feeling this way. I honestly don't know what to think and how to feel...

[melancholy123]

FWIW I have a friend who had thyroid cancer and had his thyroid removed well over 30 yrs ago. He takes meds every day. He is fine! He gets checkups and remains healthy. You have a hangup about this that is somewhat understandable but also not rational. You cant let this ruin a potentially good relationship. Maybe you need more education on the subject to ease your mind.

[Seraphim]

How long has he been cancer free? My MIL had cancer 22 years ago . She is still going strong.

[deedee911]

Thank you so much. I really was scared when he told me because I didn't know much about it. Glad to know you MIL is doing well! I have called the cancer line and talked to them the have provided me with more information. But it's always in the back of my head and scares me. Sometimes I feel like I subconsciously sabotage my relationship.

[deedee911]

How long has he been cancer free? My MIL had cancer 22 years ago . She is still going strong.

He had it 10 years ago with no change. Every time I voiced my fears he got very defensive. And he said I was reminding him of something very traumatic that's what made me feel guilty. I meant no harm.

[Seraphim]

I would just stop talking about it and enjoy your relationship . Don't fear that you could have loss in a relationship because loss comes in all kinds of forms . You could lose out on him by just being afraid of something that may never happen.

[mustlovedogs]

YOU could get cancer someday. Knowing that, how does that change how you live your life?

 

My point is if it wouldn't impact your life, why should his currently non existent future cancer impact it?

[Seraphim]

There is all kinds of loss . I said my MIL had cancer but she's survive that . But now my father-in-law has Parkinson's and dementia. And now she is losing her husband day by day. And that is how his own mother died. But should my mother-in-law not have spent 60 years with her husband because he " could" get it? Well, no. No matter who you meet they could get anything.

 

I have a ton of health problems now that could not have been predicted when I met my husband 28 years ago. But that is just life .

[itsallgrand]

Loving someone can be scary sometimes. Now there is more to lose, right?

 

Sounds to me you might be scared more of a deeper commitment than cancer really.

 

Is that a pattern for you?

[deedee911]

Loving someone can be scary sometimes. Now there is more to lose, right?

 

Sounds to me you might be scared more of a deeper commitment than cancer really.

 

Is that a pattern for you?

Well actually yes it is. Hmm. You really got me thinking here. If it wasn't cancer I would have projected that fear of commitment into something else. Maybe that he'll cheat.. who knows but fears have a way of manifesting themselves into an array of things.

[catfeeder]

He had it 10 years ago with no change. Every time I voiced my fears he got very defensive. And he said I was reminding him of something very traumatic that's what made me feel guilty. I meant no harm.

 

It's not his job to comfort you, it's your job to get an education on the matter or counseling for your own insecurities. You'll either step up and become the GF who's right for this guy, or you'll unravel this thing. You get to decide and to reach for the help you need from appropriate places.

[abitbroken]

Many people take the same medication he is on if they have a thyroid and its just sluggish. Maybe not in their 20s but later in life. He no longer has a thyroid -- so he can't get thyroid cancer ever again. His life will probably be completely normal going forward. maybe let this fine young man find someone he deserves - someone who values who he is.

[Unreasonable]

If this bothers you, certainly don't get married. Sickness and in heath and all that jazz.

[deedee911]

If this bothers you, certainly don't get married. Sickness and in heath and all that jazz.

True. I just don't know how to arrive to if I'm ok with it or not. Because I could meet someone perfectly healthy and they could get sick down the road or me! I just don't know how to put his issue in perspective as it is very new for me. Any ideas on questions I could ask myself to be sure?

[Unreasonable]

Any ideas on questions I could ask myself to be sure?

I'd ask myself if this is the true reason you really are worried about committing. There are tons of terminal conditions out there, one of them being called "life". If this guy was currently going through treatment, I could see the hesitation. But really, I'd do some more self-examination, because this doesn't seem like the real reason.

[abitbroken]

True. I just don't know how to arrive to if I'm ok with it or not. Because I could meet someone perfectly healthy and they could get sick down the road or me! I just don't know how to put his issue in perspective as it is very new for me. Any ideas on questions I could ask myself to be sure?

 

He IS perfectly healthy. He is cancer free. He can't get thyroid cancer again because he has no thyroid. He takes a medication that 10s of milions of people who have never had cancer take every day.

I am guessing that you don't know anyone who has ever gotten sick before in your life. Guess what - people don't live forever and no one has perfect health their whole life. you sound like you are scared of your own shadow, quite honestly. I recommend that you stop playing around with this young man's heart because your reason for not wanting to be with him "he got sick once" is downright stupid. If anything, he is someone who really pays attention to his health closely. If you are afraid he can't have kids and you want them -- then that is a valid question - which i am sure he is fine - but that's a real question i could understand wondering about.

[deedee911]

Yes, I've known anyone to be sick before. That's why it's new territory for me. It's not stupid. This is why I am reaching out to put things in better perspective. He can have kids no problem.

[deedee911]

Yes, I've known anyone to be sick before. That's why it's new territory for me. It's not stupid. This is why I am reaching out to put things in better perspective. He can have kids no problem.

*I've never known