2 years on and still struggling, when will it end???

[ShannonM10]

I have posted numerous times on this over the past two years, you can read my prior threads if interested. I have attended counseling and have been working on myself for the duration of the time apart. I also have made great strides in my life and have been dating, noticing that men find me attractive and desireable and have had no problems meeting people. I think the hardest thing I am struggling with, is the fact that Im pretty sure me ex is getting married this up coming month to the person he betrayed me with. Everything happened so fast that I still am somewhat in shock that he got engaged to her after only a year of us buying a house and breaking up. So essentially he moved from me to her and will be married a year and 11 months after we broke up.

 

 

I don't know how to let go and look at it as a dodged bullet. I want to get off this karma train im going around in circles on. Yes she has done some crazy things that I would never tolerate in a relationship, and for whatever reason he is ok with, she even went as far as stalking me on social media and trying to get me to see his last name as hers (even though they aren't married yet!). This is not normal behavior and should NOT be happening a month before there wedding ( I am assuming its this month as per when I found out a yr ago). I cut all contact almost a year ago except to tell him to tell her to back off and leave me alone after the social media incident.

 

 

I guess my question is, how do you get passed the betrayal? How do you come to terms with the fact that they just replaced you and moved on like nothing while you are so devastated. I am in a way better place..and better this happened before marriage....but does history usually repeat in these cases? Im so sick of hurting over someone that clearly doesn't deserve it and I am sick of thinking about him, its like I cant shut my brain off and I build these stories in my head about how much happier he must be etc. etc. How the hell can you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you've known for a year?

Anyways, for all the people that have gone through something similar, how did you cope? Its annoying and I want to completely wipe him from my memory for good.

[Jeffbobo]

I'm sorry you're still going through this. How do you cope? How do you get through this? For me, my ex-wife is dead to me. Plain and simple, that's how you handle it. How you physically and emotionally deal with it is the same as the death of a loved one. And you do that by severing all contact, including social media, talking to other people about them and removing any reminder of them. Like they're dead and never coming back. The fact that I heard through the grapevine that she's getting married puts her further in the grave. Gone, never coming back. That's the mindset.

 

Once you put yourself into that mindset and clean house, then you will grieve. Then one day they'll be just a memory. A ghost. And then you'll move on with your life without the thought of them holding you back.

[Lester]

What he and that woman have isn't love, won't make a marriage, and won't last..., I guarantee it!

But you and I both know that's not the problem.

 

You're hurt because your dreams of a loving, lifelong marriage were crushed.

Understanding this, and what a genuine marriage is, in time will position you to meet your real husband.

 

You'll never get over such hurt with band-aids.

Instead, pray for their happiness, and forgive them.

 

This will release, grow and change you.

Doing this, will make you visible to your real husband.

[catfeeder]

I guess my question is, how do you get passed the betrayal?

 

Decide how much of an impact you want the event to have on your psyche and your ability to move forward to build a great future for yourself.

 

We each make a private to choice to adopt resilience as a life skill, or not. We each get to decide whether the events in our lives will harm us and to what degree, or whether they will teach us our own strength and potential to learn and rise to future challenges.

 

So decide whether this has been a growth and learning experience, or whether its something you'll want to spend your best years ruminating about, harming yourself over, and drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

How do you come to terms with the fact that they just replaced you and moved on like nothing while you are so devastated.

 

Decide how devastated you really want to be. Identify who it is, exactly, your choice will actually impact and how it will serve you in the present and your future. Decide whether you want to view ex's GF as a replacement, or whether you're unique and irreplaceable and freed to find the RIGHT person for you someday.

 

I am in a way better place..and better this happened before marriage....but does history usually repeat in these cases?

 

We each choose the lens through which we view events. Some of us opt to surprise everyone, including ourselves, with our ability to bounce back, while others opt to damage themselves and keep repeating the same scenarios until they learn to make a better choice.

 

As long as you view yourself as victimized and helpless against the impacts of outcomes, then you will amplify your fears and stumble around like a candle in the wind clinging to the idea that everything is a random crapshoot that happens TO you. You can opt instead to view everything as a learning experience from which you'll take some confidence in your abilities to make wiser, more mature choices going forward.

 

You don't need all the answers right now. You can simply trust that the only way to gain answers is to reach higher ground for a better perspective. This will liberate you to put your past behind you and your eyes back on your own paper to throw yourself into finding new interests and creating the happiness you want and deserve.

 

THAT is the only platform from which you can operate with any degree of security, because that security is self created and not dependent on the limited vision of anyone else.

 

...its like I cant shut my brain off and I build these stories in my head about how much happier he must be etc. etc.

 

Change your key word from "can't" to "won't" for accuracy, and then make a better choice. Take this goal to your counselor, or find a better counselor if your current one hasn't been effective in teaching you that healing and thriving are choices we each make rather than circumstances beyond our own control.

 

It's a decision.

[PICCOLLO]

Fill your life with happiness and don't define yourself by what one person thinks or how they treated you.

 

If it helps, the love he felt for you he likely 'transferred' to her. Its not uncommon.

 

This type of thing is never easy. The most important thing is to get up every morning and make the positive and conscious step of healing and moving on.

 

I was gutted from a previous 6 yr relationship and couldnt understand how she could get engaged six months later. How could she replace me so quickly? Three years on and Im happily in a relationship with someone far better for me.

If you want to move on, you can. It takes time, it takes effort and positivity. You're worth it.

[EternalOptimis]

catfeeder spoke some wise words there. Perspective is everything. Sometimes with even a slight change in the framing, we can see things very differently / positively.

 

It matters not whether he will or won't be happy with her and whether it will or won't last. It's not your bag and he was definitely a dodged bullet.

 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Accept in your head and your heart that it was the former; that while we may not wish the harsh lesson on ourselves, when it happens anyway we learn from it and are better people as a result

[catfeeder]

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Accept in your head and your heart that it was the former; that while we may not wish the harsh lesson on ourselves, when it happens anyway we learn from it and are better people as a result

 

I've always loved that saying. Rejection speaks of another's limited vision rather than of any reflection on us. Most people are NOT our match, and love is rare. It's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it?

 

When we can reconcile that we're looking for the needle in the haystack, then we are liberated to allow wrong matches to pass without damaging ourselves. Latching on to someone who doesn't view us through the right lens is a learning process rather than a 'failure,' and we each get to choose how early we'll want to learn how to navigate beyond personalizing this.

 

We each own unique value, and we each view others through a unique lense. Our puzzle piece won't be a match with most people's. Our goal is to screen OUT wrong matches rather than try to convert them. Learning how to let go will amplify our appreciation for the RIGHT person when we meet him or her.

[DancingFool]

Think of it this way. What he did to you, he'll do to her. Unfortunately, once a cheater, always a cheater. As for visions of him being some kind of a different man and them being blissfully happy together.....I mean her stalking you on social media is a big clue to what an insecure nightmare their relationship actually is. She will never stop looking over her shoulder and she will never stop seeing bogeymen in every shadow. That's not a happy relationship, that's the definition of a nightmare and for as long as they are together, it won't end. How they got together will haunt them forever and ultimately it will destroy in one form or another.

 

That said, you really do need to find a way to stop following up with what's going with his life. Do block him and her from all social media. It's not just you looking them up, it's them looking you up that's causing damage. In fact consider hiding and locking down your accounts completely for a good while. Give yourself peace. The rest is just will power and literally forcing your brain out of that groove. The moment you start thinking about it, stop, force yourself to do something else, anything else. Distract yourself at all costs. The more you do that, the less you'll be thinking about him and the betrayal. There comes a point where you do not allow a trashy ex to keep wrecking your life. Get angry about it if that helps. He is not worth it and never deserved to be with you. You deserve better.

[ShannonM10]

So little update, I was on tinder at work today....and came across my exes friend..went to block him so scrolled down..and there was pics of him at what I'm assuming was my exes wedding cause I saw my exes bro in a suit with his friend

I wanted to vomit everywhere and was on tears all day. Never did I expect to come across it and have again really tried to protect myself from finding anything out.

 

I can't believe it actually happened..after what he did to me...how she behaved..how quickly everything moved. I knew this was the last hurdle...but man does it suck. Thanks for everyone's encouragement and words. You have no idea how much you have been my anchor through this all.