My girlfriend of 5 years was sleeping with someone I know during a 2 week breakup

[lostandhurt]

This is all on you jrv.

 

You broke up with her and went NC leaving her all alone and thinking it was over for good. In your mind it was a break so you could think things through but to her it was over. You were not together, it wasn't like you two got into a fight and she went right out and banged the first guy she met.

 

It is also on you since you decided back then to get back together and then have yet another child. If this bothers you so much now why didn't it bother you then? Did you think getting her pregnant would somehow tell everyone "she is mine"?

 

This is all ego driven and shows how insecure you are. It happened years ago and you still carry it like it was last week.

 

In the last 4 years how many times has she even talked to this guy? once? never?

 

I am curious what you need to think about all those years ago anyways?

 

You need to stop blaming her and look in the mirror because this all lands at your feet. If you can't handle it then set her free so she can be with someone that will not hold a grudge for something that wasn't her fault and you can one day meet someone that has never dated anyone you know.

 

Before long she will grow tired of this and leave you for good on her terms and your only memories will come up once a month when you pay child support.

 

Time to either seek out a therapist or break up for good.

 

Lost

[jrv]

This is all on you jrv.

 

You broke up with her and went NC leaving her all alone and thinking it was over for good. In your mind it was a break so you could think things through but to her it was over. You were not together, it wasn't like you two got into a fight and she went right out and banged the first guy she met.

 

It is also on you since you decided back then to get back together and then have yet another child. If this bothers you so much now why didn't it bother you then? Did you think getting her pregnant would somehow tell everyone "she is mine"?

 

This is all ego driven and shows how insecure you are. It happened years ago and you still carry it like it was last week.

 

In the last 4 years how many times has she even talked to this guy? once? never?

 

I am curious what you need to think about all those years ago anyways?

 

You need to stop blaming her and look in the mirror because this all lands at your feet. If you can't handle it then set her free so she can be with someone that will not hold a grudge for something that wasn't her fault and you can one day meet someone that has never dated anyone you know.

 

Before long she will grow tired of this and leave you for good on her terms and your only memories will come up once a month when you pay child support.

 

Time to either seek out a therapist or break up for good.

 

Lost

 

I guess what bothers me the most if that she lied and hide the fact she was sleeping with this guy during our time apart!

I know this dude and he is a scum bag. It's pains me that he pounded out my girlfriend. They were in a hot and heavy drug, alcohol, and sexual relationship!

 

When I first got back with her she told me that it was over with him.

 

However, I remember a text message for me him asking is she was coming over.

 

Now, her step dad made a heartless comments while out to dinner after she was pregnant.

 

He asked us if we were going to name the baby The name of her fling.

 

Also, during the short time we were apart I send her a picture with the dude and myself in question to let her know how weird it was.

 

What did she do?? She shared the picture with the scum bag and they both talked about it!

 

That's the kind of I can't let go of! I guess I need advice on how to best let it go.

 

Thanks!

[lostandhurt]

What would you do if the roles were reversed? I bet you wouldn't have told her you were banging some chick while you were apart would you? No you wouldn't want to ruin the chance of getting back together so you would lie.

 

Have you done any reading on the ego and how it controls our thoughts and lives? Would you be willing to read a book on the subject? I can suggest one but it is a hard read and you need to be serious about helping yourself.

 

Lost

[jrv]

What would you do if the roles were reversed? I bet you wouldn't have told her you were banging some chick while you were apart would you? No you wouldn't want to ruin the chance of getting back together so you would lie.

 

Have you done any reading on the ego and how it controls our thoughts and lives? Would you be willing to read a book on the subject? I can suggest one but it is a hard read and you need to be serious about helping yourself.

 

Lost

 

Yes. What's the title?

[jrv]

Also... what's your advice? I know I played a part in this! I've cleaned my side of the street.. now what?

[abitbroken]

When you got back together with her, you could have decided not to do so because she had a rebound after you broke up with her. It would have been reasonable to do so. But you made a choice to get her back -- and therefore you have accepted the terms. You also decided to have a second kid. Its not like you ever married her. If you broke up and you went no contact, then she was not bound by anything to wait for you. SO - the ship has sailed. So what do you do? Deep down if you don't want to be with her any more, see an attorney together to establish custody and child support and stop torturing her. Or go to counseling and decide what this is really about -- do you just not want to be with her or is your ego bruised and that's the heart of the matter?

[jrv]

When you got back together with her, you could have decided not to do so because she had a rebound after you broke up with her. It would have been reasonable to do so. But you made a choice to get her back -- and therefore you have accepted the terms. You also decided to have a second kid. Its not like you ever married her. If you broke up and you went no contact, then she was not bound by anything to wait for you. SO - the ship has sailed. So what do you do? Deep down if you don't want to be with her any more, see an attorney together to establish custody and child support and stop torturing her. Or go to counseling and decide what this is really about -- do you just not want to be with her or is your ego bruised and that's the heart of the matter?

 

I guess my ego is bruised! Her brother is fiends with the guy on FB and instagram.

Do you think that is weird? They are not really friends in real life though.

She blocked the dude from her FB page but her brother kept it! Do you think that is right! I don't!

Anytime her brother post something with her included the other guy sees it.

 

It bothers me and I told her that!!

I hate the way I feel about the whole think! It's constantly on my mind!

[lostandhurt]

You cleaned your side of the street? In what way? You have more garbage and baggage than most and your side of the street is far from clean. It is littered with your bruised ego, pride and insecurities.

 

Now you have a problem with her brother being social media friends with this guy? Exactly how many layers of people need to not talk to this guy before you are okay with it all?

 

Like I said this is all on you now.

 

Here is a link to the book.

 

 

It can show you how your ego is controlling your life and thoughts.

 

I am curious. Was your gf a virgin when you met? If not why don't you have a problem about the other guys that had sex with her?

 

Lost

[jrv]

You cleaned your side of the street? In what way? You have more garbage and baggage than most and your side of the street is far from clean. It is littered with your bruised ego, pride and insecurities.

 

Now you have a problem with her brother being social media friends with this guy? Exactly how many layers of people need to not talk to this guy before you are okay with it all?

 

Like I said this is all on you now.

 

Here is a link to the book.

 

 

It can show you how your ego is controlling your life and thoughts.

 

I am curious. Was your gf a virgin when you met? If not why don't you have a problem about the other guys that had sex with her?

 

Lost

 

No she was not. I guess it bothers me when I know the person. Oh, she was with other people I knew before we got together. That's less bothersome since it was before.

 

During our split she was drinking a lot and doing drugs with the guy in question. Knowing my girlfriend got pounded out night after night with this guy is something I can't shake.

 

What is my problem and what can I do to stop thinking about it since the facts will never change.

 

Thanks!

JRV

[jimthzz]

I think you resumed the relationship way too soon. Having another kid complicated things even more.

 

I recommend some kind of couples therapy. You have not processed this all yet.

 

On the one hand, you are shocked that she could so easily get intimate with someone else--and deliberately chose a close friend of yours. Who was all too happy to help a girl out.

 

On the other hand, you tested her feelings for you by going on a break from her. Was this a time-boxed break at the time? Or was it open-ended?

 

Why for god's sake did you return to her without resolving all this?

 

You now are suspicious of her and her intentions of monogamy or not.

 

I notice that you have not married her. Please do not without straightening things out--and do not have more children either.

 

There is too much conflict to fix.

[jrv]

I think you resumed the relationship way too soon. Having another kid complicated things even more.

 

I recommend some kind of couples therapy. You have not processed this all yet.

 

On the one hand, you are shocked that she could so easily get intimate with someone else--and deliberately chose a close friend of yours. Who was all too happy to help a girl out.

 

On the other hand, you tested her feelings for you by going on a break from her. Was this a time-boxed break at the time? Or was it open-ended?

 

Why for god's sake did you return to her without resolving all this?

 

You now are suspicious of her and her intentions of monogamy or not.

 

I notice that you have not married her. Please do not without straightening things out--and do not have more children either.

 

There is too much conflict to fix.

 

Gotcha. He wasn't a close friend rather an acquaintance.

[lostandhurt]

I cannot tell you what your problem is but I can point you in a direction where you can figure it out.

 

There is something you have left out. What triggered this after all these years? Something has happened for it to surface so strongly.

 

Get the book I sent you the link on. Read it when you can and take a break and think about the examples and truths it tells.

 

Let me ask you this: If she had "got pounded out night after night " with some stranger would you feel the same way? Is it the fact that she had sex with THIS guy or ANY guy? Be honest.

 

You may be using the fact that you know him to cover for the fact that you cannot take she had sex with anyone else during the break.

 

Lost

[jrv]

Understood. I already ordered the book. I'm not really sure why it's hit me so hard recently? I guess I never properly coped with the situation.

 

I think certain things trigger my emotions, and it's hard to take her at face value because she said one thing and did another.

She would say that I'm lost without you during the break. However, a few short weeks later she was already in a secrets relationship with this punk!

 

 

Now, I guess because I know him it makes it worse.

[jrv]

I think you resumed the relationship way too soon. Having another kid complicated things even more.

 

I recommend some kind of couples therapy. You have not processed this all yet.

 

On the one hand, you are shocked that she could so easily get intimate with someone else--and deliberately chose a close friend of yours. Who was all too happy to help a girl out.

 

On the other hand, you tested her feelings for you by going on a break from her. Was this a time-boxed break at the time? Or was it open-ended?

 

Why for god's sake did you return to her without resolving all this?

 

You now are suspicious of her and her intentions of monogamy or not.

 

I notice that you have not married her. Please do not without straightening things out--and do not have more children either.

 

There is too much conflict to fix.

 

Understood. How do I make myself feel better about the situation? I’m obviously over thinking the whole thing and letting my ego control my thoughts!

 

Any ideas?

[greywolf]

Don't kick yourself in the ass to bad here bud. People need breaks sometimes. You never expected her to do that only 2 weeks in to a break. As for as I'm concerned she Fkd up... Not you.

 

I disagree. He was playing games with her and it backfired.

 

However, OP, that doesn't mean that you can't feel terrible about what happened. I do think you need to see a therapist to get over this. After 4 years, I don't think you can move past this on your own. Seeing a therapist would be the best for you, I think.

 

Does your girlfriend know how you feel? I also find it concerning that you can talk about your girlfriend being "pounded," like she's just some sex object. Please see a therapist, OP.

[jrv]

I disagree. He was playing games with her and it backfired.

 

However, OP, that doesn't mean that you can't feel terrible about what happened. I do think you need to see a therapist to get over this. After 4 years, I don't think you can move past this on your own. Seeing a therapist would be the best for you, I think.

 

Does your girlfriend know how you feel? I also find it concerning that you can talk about your girlfriend being "pounded," like she's just some sex object. Please see a therapist, OP.

 

I’m not trying to be rude! It’s just the feeling I have.. I know it was a hot and heavy relationship with this guy that I know as I saw Marks on all over her breast during my daughters baseball pizza party. The clothes she wore to the party said it all.

Maybe going to town would have been more appropriate!!

Anyways, how do I let it go!! Her brother is friends with the dude!

It’s weird now!

[Maddie91x]

Honest opinion? If you could let it go you would of by now. But you haven't. You haven't sought couples therapy. You haven't apparently done anything to actively get over it. It's nothing to do with the How's, why's, and wherefores, either get over it or don't. Forgive and forget and never think about it again. If this doesn't sound like a feasible option then walk away and stay away. I'm afraid those are your only 2 options.