Lishy Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Please help My sister has been with her husband for over 30 years - 2 Children who are adults I love my sister, we are more like best friends than sisters and we have always supported each other She started talking to a man online a year or so ago and decided that she wanted to know how it would feel to have sex with another man as the only person she had been with was her husband - So she did - He is married too and they met in hotels for sex Fast forward 6 months and he has left his wife and kid and she has left her husband blaming him for being abusive, he was abusive to her because he smelled a rat and knew she was playing away So he is living with family and she is in a place rented for her by her husband until the house sells OM's wife and child are distraught as he told them the truth but my sister has not told the truth and so they are still seeing each other on the sly and this is where the problem lays My sister has turned from a woman of principle to a lying cheat who is using everyone to her advantage, she has not told the truth because she wants money from her STBX and expects him to financially support her as she does not work plus OM has put money in her account - She shows no remorse for breaking up a family and walking away from hers. It is like she has become someone I do not know anymore She has the OM visiting her at the flat she is renting with her STBXs money and I think its wrong on every level and I really cannot support this The OM seems to not care about how much he has upset his son who is only 13 and his wife is so upset and has now obtained a picture of my sister so I feel its only a matter of time before she blows my sisters lies open I cannot bare this - My family will turn against me for knowing this and they will disown her for the lies and for letting her STBX go to therapy to deal with his jealousy issues when he was right all along and he had reason to be jealous! I do not want to be any part of this - The OM sounds like a and my sister cannot see what is infront of her, everything she tells me about him is a red flag - My family will also fall out with me over this if/when it comes out HELP!!!! I need to work out how I deal with this without falling out with her but still keeping true to myself???? Link to comment
Keyman Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 It sounds like by supporting her you go against your true self, but if you don't you are going to fall out with her. Your sister seems to think that she can get away with what she wants without consequences. Obviously her marriage is over, because she wanted to have sex with someone else. If you stay on board with her you are telling her that it was okay for her to do that. You are telling her it is okay to scam her ex for money, to cheat and lie. Link to comment
Lishy Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 Thank you for your input .... that is exactly it so what would you do??? I am so conflicted Link to comment
Keyman Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Be upfront and honest. Tell her you can't support her through this because you disagree with what has happened. Tell her you are in a troubled place because of this and the best way for you to deal with it is to back away. No doubt she will lose her cookies but at some point she has to start seeing the consequences of the path she has gone down. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Just my opinion but I think you need to distance yourself from your sister. You do not condone what she's doing and it seems to upset you greatly so back yourself away from this situation which will blow wide open sooner or later. It's not your job to inform your parents or other family about what your sister is doing, it's her job and of course she's being sneaky. But she will get caught. Nobody should be putting you in the middle of this but that's where you are so it's time to step way back. If you are still speaking to your sister tell her this is it, you dont care to be a part of her lies and deceit and therefore she must stop telling you anything about this and stop contact. You cant remain in your current position in this as it's not your problem but has been made your problem. Link to comment
Lishy Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 Thank you so much guys for taking the time to reply to me I do need to pull back as hard as it is x Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I am not comfortable with your choices, don't want to know anything further, and will not lie for you if asked. I don't judge you, I love you always, and will enjoy your company if you can ensure that I do not have to be exposed to the divorce, the OM, etc. So I may need to step back a bit. xo Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I do not want to be any part of this Then don't be. Tell sis, "I adore you and have always viewed you as the most ethical person I know. I'm going to continue to hold that view by deciding that you'll work yourself out of this without another word about it to disabuse me of that idea. We can talk about anything on earth except for OM unless there is something specific that you need from me in order to free yourself of him. Beyond that, he's off limits with me. I won't allow you to position me badly in keeping secrets from the rest of the family--so I need to assume that he's out of the picture going forward, and if you raise him again I'll view that as expressed permission to reveal your affair to them." Then close the subject, and let her chomp on that and decide whether she'll shut up about the man, or not. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Just tell your sister as much as I love you I cannot support anything you're doing. And I will not lie for you . If you want to tank your own life that's your problem but I won't tank mine . And tell her goodbye until she comes to her senses . Link to comment
journeynow Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Thank you so much guys for taking the time to reply to me I do need to pull back as hard as it is x I agree. She's shown you that you cannot trust her, for one thing. Her willingness to live a lie can impact all sorts of things and relationships, and you won't know how she might lie to you. I'm not sure why you are worried about the rest of the family turning on you. Losing trust in your sister is a loss for you, and you can be pro-active in your behalf by seeking self care or focusing on things and people that support you. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 And also that she expects you to share in her duplicity and support her so that she won't be alone in her own acts of extreme selfishness is beyond incredibly selfish . At this point she only cares about her own backside . Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 My wife's friend was cheating and was going to all her friends telling them about it and saying she'd cut ties with anyone who didn't support her in her decision. My wife told her what she was doing was wrong, in a diplomatic way I presume, her friend ended up reconciling with her husband and is still her friend. Sometimes you just need to abide by your principles and whatever happens, happens. I don't think it's your business to expose her cheating, but I think its perfectly acceptable to say how you feel and not support her decision in any way. Link to comment
Lishy Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 My wife's friend was cheating and was going to all her friends telling them about it and saying she'd cut ties with anyone who didn't support her in her decision. My wife told her what she was doing was wrong, in a diplomatic way I presume, her friend ended up reconciling and is still her friend. Sometimes you just need to abide by your principles and whatever happens, happens. I don't think it's your business to expose her cheating, but I think its perfectly acceptable to say how you feel and not support her decision in any way. I completely agree x Link to comment
Liraele Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 If I were in your shoes, I'd tell my sister that I love her, but I won't lie for her. That you want to stay a part of her life, but do not want to hear details of her affair, or her belittling her husband, or gloating, or any of it. Set the boundaries for your relationship with her. She might be mad, but that's OK. It's not about her, it's about you and what you can live with and still look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Just tell your sister as much as I love you I cannot support anything you're doing. And I will not lie for you . If you want to tank your own life that's your problem but I won't tank mine . And tell her goodbye until she comes to her senses . I agree. She is also making you complicit in this mess. UGH. I would tell her exactly how you feel, because it is wrong! She needs to be upfront with everyone. I would also cut contact. Link to comment
Lishy Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 It's so difficult as I am so torn Link to comment
abitbroken Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Your family will not turn against you if you tell the truth now. They will understand how this tore you apart. Your brother in law may not forgive you, but your parents may. Tell her she has one week to tell her husband and parents if she doesn't, you are going to. How dare she besmirch his good name by leaving for abuse when she left because is a cheat. I am going to guess that he wasn't abusive - that he just acted suspiciously and rightfully so. Link to comment
journeynow Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 It's so difficult as I am so torn Here's the thing, for me anyway, when " she wanted to know how it would feel to have sex with another man" she decided to go for it. Forget about the fallout, the trust broken, the disrespect to her husband (and to you for including you in her deception). How you do know what other temptations she might entertain that cross the line, disrespecting YOU? What if your partner/boyfriend/husband/wife met her fancy? Or something else she tells you white lies about? See? You have no idea where her core values now lie, if they are firm or changing, based on her happiness in the moment. She is untrustworthy, IMO, as a friend as well as a wife. ___ {edit} I'm sorry, I just re-read that she is your sister, not simply a friend. But yeah, I would not support her in the cheating and lies, I'd tell her how I see it, and that if she chooses to deal with things honestly I would support her in that. You can love her and not support her. Love yourself and support yourself. Link to comment
Lishy Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 We have fallen out .... I hate this as I know what she is doing is wrong but she has had my highest regard all our lives and now it's gone Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 I can't imagine how hard it is but remember she is no longer a trustworthy person and is hurting people, this other family, telling grievous lies about her husband and asking You to be the same untrustworthy person . Or in other words she wants no consequences . She will come back though because her present relationship is built on lies and untrustworthiness and probably won't last for long . Link to comment
deedee911 Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Give her an ultimatum. Say if you don't tell your husband by whatever date that you will have to. That way you give her a chance to do something. Tell her that this goes against every moral fibre in your body and it is not fair. You cannot keep this secret. You have to be honest. And being honest is telling the truth and uncovering lies. If you hide it for her. You are also keeping secrets from the family. Her poor husband children and everyone involved. Sorry you have to be put in this very uncomfortable position! Link to comment
journeynow Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 We have fallen out .... I hate this as I know what she is doing is wrong but she has had my highest regard all our lives and now it's gone Take care of yourself. Do thing that are nurturing for yourself to help you move through this. Link to comment
Lishy Posted September 1, 2017 Author Share Posted September 1, 2017 Thank you Everyone x Link to comment
Lishy Posted September 3, 2017 Author Share Posted September 3, 2017 We are still not talking .... it's awful but I really feel I have no choice He has been at her place all weekend Link to comment
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