Moving Back In With Ex

[MissMalici0us]

In June I asked my boyfriend (both of us 28 with a 2 year old child) if I could go to my mom's and straighten my head out. I was having a severe anxiety/depression episode and since he believes these things are made up I thought it would be best to take care of it on my own.

 

I never intended on actually leaving the relationship, but through some sort up miscommunication we are now apart.

 

While at my mom's I finally talked to a doctor/therapist, got medication and I feel a whole world better. Now that I am seeing things clearer I really want the relationship to work. I feel like we have a really great chance at having a fulfilling awesome relationship.

 

He let me and our son move back in but says he isn't ready for a relationship until we work on the trust thing. He feels like I abandoned him. I felt like I was making him miserable with my anxiety and depression and only left long enough to get help. He says he isn't seeing anyone... but I don't know how to fix trust issues... how do I approach this.

 

Of course before he let me come back I blew up his phone apologizing and trying to explain what was going on in my head. He would barely respond and when he did it was always short. We never stopped being 'intimate' even when I stayed with my mother.

Anyway...

He tells me he could 'probably' feel the way he used to for me again... and he doesn't think it is the end of us.. but I'm at a loss and don't know how to approach the whole win his heart back while living together but separated... any insight

[glitterfingers]

This seems like one of those things where the only thing you can do is give it time and reinforcing behaviours. You'll have to show him that he can feel safe and let his guard down, and that what happened was only a temporary/critical-circumstances kind of thing

 

I wouldn't advise to gloss over what happened and make it look prettier than what it was so that he forgets it quickly or feels like it wasn't a big deal. He's telling you very clearly that it was a big deal to him and that it hurt him a lot, and that if he decides to let you back in it's on the condition that you don't do this to him again. You need to give adequate time and consideration to how that impacted him, so that he knows you understand where he is coming from and are entering back into the relationship accepting the terms he's laid down

 

Obviously nobody can make guarantees in life, but in relationships we need to feel a high degree of safety/security in order to remain vulnerable

[abitbroken]

Was there a reason why you couldn't have gone to a doctor or therapist while you were still living with him? Yes, i would say anyone who left "to get their head straight" meant it as a break up. A "My mom is terribly ill and can't get around, i am going to have to spend the night there for a few weeks until Aunt Millie moves up from Georgia" -- that's not a break up. How does he know you won't just take the child and go again?

 

I really think that if he is not "ready" for a relationship, you should move out or he should until he decides he is "ready' for one. And if he never is -- i suggest you work out a coparenting/custody agreement. He could hold out on you for months or years and say "you broke his trust" and he is "not ready"

[MissCanuck]

The problem is that he no longer feels secure with you. Whatever the reason, it's very hard when a partner ups and leaves. You lose your sense of security and confidence in them.

 

I agree with abitbroken that living together now isn't a good idea, especially for the little one. It's too confusing to be changing home environments that quickly, particularly when there is no relationship currently. I think you need to re-establish a healthy and solid relationship first, and then work on living together again.