Lost and confused

[Bigwhat82334]

So, I meet my ex in 200 3 working together. I was a senior in high school, and she was out of school and pregnant at the time.

 

Well she had her baby, and returned to work. We became friends, and shortly after we started having sex and started staying out until 4 in the morning. She still had a boyfriend, and u was in high school. I don't know if it was the excitement of knowing that I shouldn't be doing this, but something about it really turned me on. She led me to believe that her boyfriend was very abusive, and so I justified my sleeping with her.

 

My parents found out and were not happy with this, but I couldn't stop. I was getting ready to go to boot camp because i was joining the Marine Corps. Well I went off to boot camp in June 2004, and stayed in touch with Lisa. When I came home after boot camp, Lisa had left her kids father, and was living in her grandmother's house. Well she got pregnant again while i was home. I knew that there was a chance that the baby was not mine, because she was still seeing her kids father as well as me. But I lied to my dad and told him the baby was mine, because I knew that he would be mad if I said it was a 50/50 chance.

 

Well i went and finished my training, and was told I would be going to Iraq. Around this same time, Lisa's kids father got in trouble for drugs, and was sent to prison for 4 years. After being told of going to Iraq, I came home and married Lisa at the court house in February 2005, because I wanted her to be taken care of when she had the baby, because i would be in Iraq. I didn't tell my parents that we got married, but my dad found out while taking me to the airport. Needless to say, he wasn't very happy.

 

She had the baby while i was deployed. When I got home, I moved her and the 2 kids to north Carolina with me. During our marriage, Lisa never worked a single day. I took care of everything. And i didn't mind doing it, I was content. She was never a very involved wife, and never really wanted to be part of anything I had going on. But I was so in love with her I didn't mind too much. Her kids father used to call her and write her letters, and I didn't like it. I also know she would write him and answer his calls if I wasn't around.

 

Well I always wanted to know if the 2nd child was mine or not and wanted to get a DNA test. But everytime I would bring it up, Lisa would get upset and say "you know he's yours". Finally, I just decided to get one anyways. Well the results came back and he was not my child. He had my name, but he was not my child. I never treated them any different, and always loved them both as though they were my blood. Well Lisa decided to write her kids father and tell him that the 2nd child was also his. Well he in turn wrote my father and told him not to get too attached to the kid because he wasn't mine. This broke my heart and I'm sure my dad's since his son wasn't the one to tell him.

 

Well I was soon told I would be going on my 2nd deployment. Lisa and I decided she would go home while I was deployed since her parents and mine were there, and she would have more support. While deployed a 2nd time, Lisa did a great job sending me care packages, and we talked often. I know that she went to the prison with the 2 kids to visit their father. I wouldn't find out until later though.

 

Towards the end of my deployment, we got in a little argument because Lisa wanted to stay where she was, and of course I wanted her to come back and be with me. Well when I came home, Lisa was not there. She had told me she was there, and waited until I was 10 minutes away to tell me she wasn't going to be there waiting for me. I came home to no one, and no place to live. He father and her flew to North Carolina, packed up the storage unit, and drove back to Wyoming. They took everything of ours. All I had in the storage unit was 2 boxes and my 4 wheeler.

 

I stayed in a hotel by myself for 2 weeks until I finally got into a house. We stayed married, and talked often. I started dating a great girl that was going to college in NC. But I still really loved Lisa and the kids. I called one day to tell her happy anniversary, and surprise surprise, her kids father answered the phone. I now think the reason she left was because he was getting out, and she wanted to get back with him. I was crushed, and never understood how she could go back to him when he beat her up, and I tried so hard to treat her like a queen and give her whatever she wanted.

 

Well I drove back home to Wyoming with the girl that I had met in NC. While she stayed with me, I would still go out and lisa and i would have sex, and then both go back to our homes. My girlfriend never found out. I filed for divorce and it was granted at the end of 2008. My girlfriend and I would break up a month or 2 later, and I would move to Colorado. I started going to college and dating other people. But none of them were able to keep my mind off of Lisa. It's almost like she knew when u was about to move on, and she would call or text and tell me how much she loved and missed me.

 

Her sister lived a half hour from me, and every 6 or so months Lisa would meet me there and we would have sex. She would sometimes come all the way to where I was, or I would meet her at her sister's. She stayed with her kids father this whole time, but led me on as well. Well this went on for about 6 years. In 2014,her kids father went back to prison for beating Lisa up very badly. A month or so after he was gone, she met a new guy named Chris. Well she got pregnant by him and had a 3rd child. I was really hurt because she had always said she would only have 1 more child with me, yet she had one with a guy she barely knew. And instead of coming to try and make things work with us, she got with him.

 

Well they didn't end up working out, and she finally asked me if I would come get her the beginning of 2016. I found out that her kids were taken from her because of them witnessing the abuse in the house. I was really sad and disappointed when I heard this. Lisa was always a great mother, and her kids were everything to her. Well I went and got her, and all she had was one duffle bag and that was it.

 

We came back to Colorado and rented a place. This was when I really stayed to notice the hpd traits that she displayed. She was constantly talking about her. What she had, the cars she used to have, the things she used to have etc. It was really annoying, and she was even rubbing my friends the wrong way. One friend said we weren't welcome there anymore, because Lisa was flirting with her husband. Of course Lisa said she was just jealous and it's her insecurities. Well then I noticed her being very flirtatious in general with all of my friends. She has very large breasts, and was always making sure she grabbed and adjusted them in front of everyone.

 

I went to jail for a few days for my paying a speeding ticket. When I got out, she told me she had slept with one of my friends. She said it was a mistake, but he just hit on her and it made her feel so good. Well I tried to work through it with her, but she was always playing on my insecurities. She would download apps to hide so she was calling or who she was texting. She would go into the bathroom with her phone and tablet and make me feel like I was way too jealous if I asked about it. She refused to put that we were together on her Facebook. Instead she would say I'm just going to delete it since u want to run my Facebook. I would tell her I don't want to run it I just don't see why you can't say that your in a relationship.

 

She had a picture of her kids father and her holding each other, but none of us. She would say that it's her past and make me feel bad about it. Well I ended up getting arrested again, for not going to court for Ticket. Well this time when u got out, I came home and noticed my TV and both of my laptops and all of my electronics were missing. Lisa told me that someone broke into the apartment and taken all of those things. But I was a little bit skeptical because just my things were gone. Her tablet, and coach purse, and rings on her fingers were still there, just my things were taken. She also said she was raped. When I asked her about it because the walls are really thin, a neighbor would have heard it. There are also cameras here that could have been reviewed. But she would make me feel really guilty for even asking and said she is too embarrassed to tell them to review the cameras.

 

The people that I suspect did it, if it really happened, was a guy that I told her was bad news and not to hang out with him. Well I was in jail, and she decided to let this guy into my home and then go to a party with him. I don't know what else happened, because I can't believe her. Well one night we got into a pretty bad fight and she left. I don't know where she stayed or who with, but she came home really messed up on something. She was crying because she had a passion in her side.

 

I took her to the hospital. I stayed with her all night and found out she had a kidney stone and had meth and Cocaine in her system. Well we came home and the arguing continued because of course now I am worried, and not trusting her. Well she packed all of her things and left the other day while I was at the store. She is staying with some couple that she knows through a friend of hers in Wyoming. Also she told a mutual friend that she is seeing someone. It's only been a few days since she left! I suspect she was seeing him for a while. And now I think that she may have given me an std.

 

I'm so hurt and confused and mad. I don't know what to think. I'm just crushed because she was my first love, my wife, a lot of things to me. And for her to just be able to up and leave and already move on after everything we've been through really breaks my heart and confuses me. Sorry for the long post, I just had to start from the beginning

[MrWallFlower]

So she I gone now--say "good riddance" to this toxic person who never cared for anyone else but herself and don't look back.

[abitbroken]

Please leave her for good. Don't sleep with her. Don't meet up. She was bad news from the start. Let the kids' father have her. She has gone from man to man to man. Start over with a brand new life. Stay away from dating ANY woman for a whole year so you can start to come to your senses and recognize what red flags are. This woman had them all over and you didn't listen to your gut.

[Bigwhat82334]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate some insight from someone looking in from the outside that gets the whole story.

That's was something else that she was good at, was making me look like the worst person in the world that did nothing for her. She would talk bad about me to her friends, and even the neighbors telling them that I don't really take care of her too much because she has no bills. But she still eats, and has tons of clothes, and coach purses. I wonder who bought all of that.

I guess I just don't understand how someone could just not care. How she can just up and leave and do the things she does without a care in the world. I mean i know I'm jealous, and I know that sometimes maybe too jealous. But what she doesn't get is that she did things to make me feel this way. It isn't like I just woke up jealous. I'm not an insecure person, but she will find and play on my insecurities. She has really broke me and just left without so much as a hug.

Anyways I appreciate the feedback. Like I said it feels good to get another perspective from someone that gets the whole truth. I spent so much time lying for her so my family didn't think she was a bad person. And she had no problem talking me down so she can be the victim. She is definately a professional victim.

[glitterfingers]

The reason you feel so heartbroken and betrayed is because you kept giving this woman chances to be someone who she never was in the first place - a person of integrity. You have to come to the understanding that the woman you fell in love with and the woman that she actually IS, are two different people.

 

It's actually very common for people to be this selfish and show this little care/regard for someone who's done a lot for them - the only thing is, most people don't put up with the amount of red flags and signs of infidelity/dishonesty that you did, so most people don't get quite as hurt! You kept running back to someone who you should have learned a long time ago was not prepared to treat you with true love and respect. You kept playing into your own fantasies hoping she was the woman of your dreams, but she isn't - the woman of your dreams is a fantasy and illusion that you've been projecting onto Lisa. The real Lisa has always lied, cheated and manipulated you so that you'll still love/care for her and be there for her when she inevitably ruins her own life somehow.

 

I think you should secretly be glad she is gone, because you can now start to move on and rebuild your life. But make no mistakes, you have a LOT of work to do on yourself. I mean a LOT. How could you keep letting your guard down for someone who kept showing you she was a liar, cheat and user? Why did you keep forgiving that and putting up with it? It should not come as any surprise to you how things ended, considering she was quite consistent in her bad habits right from the start of your relationship. You willingly ignored that and you very much need to spend some time alone healing and figuring out why you allowed this behaviour. People can only do these things to us over and over again if we let them. How are you going to make sure the next person you fall in love with isn't another Lisa? You need to work on some personal boundaries and find the strength to walk away from people/situations that are only going to hurt you, while realising that better things await you when you leave... Here's your chance to practice that now.

[MissCanuck]

This woman is a hot mess and always has been.

 

OP, it's really time that you stopped going back for more. You know she's not going to change. She isn't emotionally stable, and she certainly doesn't love you. You're still young and have plenty of opportunity to find happiness with a woman who can reciprocate your kindness and love.

 

Do some deep inner digging first, though. You need to identify what it is inside you that drove you to keep returning to this dysfunction. Until you do that, you will likely attract the same type of the woman in the future. Get your self-respect back and work on setting boundaries. Then, you will be amazed at the good opportunities that come your way - if you filter out the toxicity.