1a1a Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 I got a crush on a cute boy, he seemed interested at first but he said with his words, and then his actions that he didn't want to date me. My head knew this from the start but my heart has been suuuuper slow getting with the picture (it's still not). I'd been extinguishing crush feelings and recalibrating my expectations pretty ok (we're still interacting because friendship) but things still knock me for a 6. Saturday night he messaged me saying he wanted to kill himself so I talked to him a while. Sunday I wake up to a post in my newsfeed by him lamenting dreams of his ex that make him miserable, all he wants is to hold her in his arms one more night. That made me feel really sad. Because no one wants to hold me in their arms (and how I want to be held) and this person I think is really cool well his heart is still, he hasn't taken it back from someone who doesn't want it. And probably even if he had he still wouldn't want me. He's obviously not my person. No one is my person, I don't get a person. Sunday I had had an illuminating conversation with cute boy turned friend, worked a great job, caught up with two friend people. But I was running on stuff all sleep and at the first tiny adversity I was reduced to tears, and then again, every time I was alone. By the end of Sunday (and the end of a conversation with friend boy that had spanned most of the day involving me being very very sad and him trying to be supportive in some way) I was too tired to care. The next day I seemed fine, sleep had fixed it. But again yesterday, something set me of. I quarreled with a guy on my facebook from Tinder for vaguebooking. His "you'd know what I was talking about if you were the intended audience" comment made me feel like I was in primary school again and evidently he has found someone new, even though two months ago when we met for coffee he was very fresh out of something and said he could do friendship only (and then didn't even do that). I was feeling stressed about work and short of time because family obligations and I got stuck in a faulty light induced traffic jam and I was gone again, reduced to abject misery. It persisted the rest of the day creeping in whenever it was quiet. Today I can still feel it lurking in the back of my throat. I have been single now for almost two years. It Still Feels Incomplete. And to add to that, two of my friends met through me and now they are dating. And I have been trying to meet some more potential date people to get my mind off of friend boy and I am experiencing a lot of silence. People don't reach out to me. I reach out to them and they read my messages but leave them unanswered. Not just the potential romances. My friends do this too. The odd person here and there I can weather, people get busy, people get overwhelmed, it doesn't mean they don't like my company. But goddamit, it has been happening SO MUCH Lately. I apologised to the guy I quarreled with, he ignored it (that is really what precipitated me losing my ability to cope Tuesday). I asked a guy I met last Friday who seemed interested in me what he's up to tomorrow, he never replied, that was over 12 hours ago now. He's obviously not going to. Maybe he forgot. But that means I am not interesting enough to remember. To anyone It has been so so so long since I was important to or valued by someone, sought out. Days like these I just want to cut my heart out and never feel again it hurts so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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