Been feeling very sad

[1a1a]

I got a crush on a cute boy, he seemed interested at first but he said with his words, and then his actions that he didn't want to date me. My head knew this from the start but my heart has been suuuuper slow getting with the picture (it's still not). I'd been extinguishing crush feelings and recalibrating my expectations pretty ok (we're still interacting because friendship) but things still knock me for a 6. Saturday night he messaged me saying he wanted to kill himself so I talked to him a while. Sunday I wake up to a post in my newsfeed by him lamenting dreams of his ex that make him miserable, all he wants is to hold her in his arms one more night. That made me feel really sad. Because no one wants to hold me in their arms (and how I want to be held) and this person I think is really cool well his heart is still, he hasn't taken it back from someone who doesn't want it. And probably even if he had he still wouldn't want me. He's obviously not my person. No one is my person, I don't get a person.

 

Sunday I had had an illuminating conversation with cute boy turned friend, worked a great job, caught up with two friend people. But I was running on stuff all sleep and at the first tiny adversity I was reduced to tears, and then again, every time I was alone. By the end of Sunday (and the end of a conversation with friend boy that had spanned most of the day involving me being very very sad and him trying to be supportive in some way) I was too tired to care. The next day I seemed fine, sleep had fixed it. But again yesterday, something set me of. I quarreled with a guy on my facebook from Tinder for vaguebooking. His "you'd know what I was talking about if you were the intended audience" comment made me feel like I was in primary school again and evidently he has found someone new, even though two months ago when we met for coffee he was very fresh out of something and said he could do friendship only (and then didn't even do that). I was feeling stressed about work and short of time because family obligations and I got stuck in a faulty light induced traffic jam and I was gone again, reduced to abject misery. It persisted the rest of the day creeping in whenever it was quiet.

 

Today I can still feel it lurking in the back of my throat. I have been single now for almost two years. It Still Feels Incomplete. And to add to that, two of my friends met through me and now they are dating. And I have been trying to meet some more potential date people to get my mind off of friend boy and I am experiencing a lot of silence. People don't reach out to me. I reach out to them and they read my messages but leave them unanswered. Not just the potential romances. My friends do this too. The odd person here and there I can weather, people get busy, people get overwhelmed, it doesn't mean they don't like my company. But goddamit, it has been happening SO MUCH Lately. I apologised to the guy I quarreled with, he ignored it (that is really what precipitated me losing my ability to cope Tuesday). I asked a guy I met last Friday who seemed interested in me what he's up to tomorrow, he never replied, that was over 12 hours ago now. He's obviously not going to. Maybe he forgot. But that means I am not interesting enough to remember. To anyone It has been so so so long since I was important to or valued by someone, sought out.

 

Days like these I just want to cut my heart out and never feel again it hurts so much.

[1a1a]

Can't stop crying. I know lack of sleep is exacerbating this but too sad to go to bed. Sadness is paralysing. I want to cry out for support from my friends, I don't know how. I feel like I do the majority of the work of maintaining my friendships. I'm tired, I'm sad, I feel like if I don't seek people out, I will be alone, forever, they won't even miss me. No one wants me around enough to do the leg work.

[thealchemist]

I am sorry you feel so bad. It is a vicious cycle. If you feel that way it will be hard to attract anyone, no matter the circumstance. You might need to see a counselor to help break the cycle.

[1a1a]

I saw a psychologist for a while, while I was still trying to make it work with my ex. She would say I was getting hooked on thoughts and feelings. She gave me a few exercises to do to try and ground myself. They are really hard to do when I'm in the thick of it.

 

For a little while there I thought I had come back into my own. But still not impressive enough to attract anyone. And now it feels like everyone I try and engage with is giving me silence.

[shellyf62]

It happens to me sometimes too. I contact my adult children & they dont reply, so I feel worthless & not loved by them enough to care. It really hurts, especially when I know they both carry their phones 24/7.

What I did was join a local meetup group, and have met some wonderful people of all ages that I have become friends with.

I feel happier in myself, have activities to look forward to, and I dont message my kids looking for a conversation anymore.

 

Im hoping something like this might work for you.

[thealchemist]

I just have to get out in the sun a lot when that happens to me. Trying to find an activity outside helps me the best. If you live in a populated enough area I am sure you could find something like that.

[Batya33]

Do you live in the States? Now would be a great time to get busy helping out with the Hurricane Harvey relief effort. So far I've only given $ but am considering getting involved myself (I don't live in Texas but there are volunteer opportunities all over my city to send supplies/resources there).

 

I hope you feel much better soon.

[1a1a]

It happens to me sometimes too. I contact my adult children & they dont reply, so I feel worthless & not loved by them enough to care. It really hurts, especially when I know they both carry their phones 24/7.

What I did was join a local meetup group, and have met some wonderful people of all ages that I have become friends with.

I feel happier in myself, have activities to look forward to, and I dont message my kids looking for a conversation anymore.

 

Im hoping something like this might work for you.

 

Ahhhh, I'm sorry to hear that about your kids (is reminded of own patchy communication with perfectly awesome and well loved mum). If your kids are like me they still love you but assume that love is a given and doesn't have to be reiterated from time to time (we are wrong, I know this). I'm really glad you've had success with meetup!! I keep looking at it in my area and all of the activities seem, like not my cup of tea, or, like, I like walking a lot but all not my age group (but for getting people interaction that really shouldn't matter).

 

Also, Adelaide here *waves*

[1a1a]

No states here, Australian. That is a very very good suggestion though.

 

So, a couple of days have elapsed, in which time I have reached out to various friends (two with a very explicit "I am sad and depleted and could really use friend time", one of whom replied almost immediately with his next available spot and the other replied eventually with an apology for being such an absent friend - apologise she does often, change her actions, never), had a surprise visit from another yesterday, treated myself to very tasty curry (I will try adding time in the sun to this), I've been listening to the radio play version of the Hitch Hikers guide to the galaxy. My mood has returned to normal/neutral, heard from the adorkable cute boy from Tinder who had been previously silent. So much at the mercy of other people's willingness to engage with me.

 

I wondered a bit if it being that time of the month made a difference. And, if this is as simple as when 1a1a falls below a certain amount of contact time with friend people she loses her ability to cope?! But in order to determine that I might need to keep a diary of social interactions and mood.

[Batya33]

I'm very glad you are feeling better and glad they responded. So I wouldn't message people with that message - you can share that when you speak in person but I would reach out in a giving way - if you're going to reach out with messaging rather than speaking "Hey - how are you [then ask a specific question about that person's life that shows interest] - I have some free time and would love to get together." There is plenty of time to share "sad and depleted" when you meet and if you still feel that way. Certainly if you were going through a real crisis -a real emergency - meaning emotional or physical - then all bets are off but I'd reserve messages like that for those times. Especially if it's been awhile since you've heard, you don't want people to feel like you only reach out when you're feeling needy.

[1a1a]

That is a very very good perception shift. I think I might have seen you mentioning it else where on this forum. When I am more level headed the idea of how can I Be a friend resurfaces in my mind. It's a good one to have.

 

(A message like that, I'd normally only ever send to the one person, an ex come friend, I think, we have enough give and take and I trust him to be able to field it in good faith - more like family you choose than friends. - Second recipient this time, I'm at the point where I don't think we even have a friendship anymore she is so absent, a last ditch request for connection).

[Batya33]

That is a very very good perception shift. I think I might have seen you mentioning it else where on this forum. When I am more level headed the idea of how can I Be a friend resurfaces in my mind. It's a good one to have.

 

(A message like that, I'd normally only ever send to the one person, an ex come friend, I think, we have enough give and take and I trust him to be able to field it in good faith - more like family you choose than friends. - Second recipient this time, I'm at the point where I don't think we even have a friendship anymore she is so absent, a last ditch request for connection).

 

I understand. I wouldn't do the needy message as a last ditch effort because it's not an effort to connect with the other person in a friendship way and it will come across that way. I am about to call an MIA friend one more time next week (because her daughter starts middle school and we talked a lot about the whole process when we last were talking) -this will be the 4th or 5th time I am reaching out to her in 2.5 months - and none of the messages have hinted at concern or neediness even though I am concerned that for some odd reason she is unhappy with me. I've gone over and over what could have happened and if it is based on our last interaction it would be bizarre on her part to go MIA. I'm sharing this because I can relate to the bafflement/not knowing what to do when a friend does something like this. Truth is though if I were having a crisis and none of my "present" friends were available I'd call her especially if she could help because of where she lives. And I do think she would step up to the plate. But that to me is separate from whether a person wants to be ongoing friends with you/in touch.

[shellyf62]

What about making your own Meetup walking group, or ask people on your local Facebook page ?

This is how the meetup started that I joined. A lady moved locally, didnt know anyone, and now it is a thriving group of ladies of all ages.

[Batya33]

What about making your own Meetup walking group, or ask people on your local Facebook page ?

This is how the meetup started that I joined. A lady moved locally, didnt know anyone, and now it is a thriving group of ladies of all ages.

 

I am part of a walking group like that and unfortunately the times have never worked out for me yet but I love getting the notifications because I'm hopeful at some point it will and it's nice to know it's there - so low pressure in every way and good for you -great suggestion.

[lark265]

awesome advice

[1a1a]

Feeling lonely again so I'm revisiting this thread.

 

Worked non stop over the last two weeks. When the work pressure lifts, it's just me alone in my room, I hate it. So far I've tried inviting a whole bunch of people to come and see music with me tonight. The only yeses were the two friends who have recently gotten together which, props to them for finding a way to include me in their time together but oof. I am lonely. I want a partner of my own.

 

I raiding the meet ups in my area and said yes to a few but everything happens when I'm sleeping or working. There's even a couple of mingling singles nights. But again, clash with work they do.

 

I actually have a really good idea for a meetup group but I bauked at having to pay to post it. If I could achieve a similar affect through facebook, I should definitely give that a go. Music appreciation society. Like a book club but instead of reading books we listen to albums and then discuss their content and production over food

[Batya33]

So were all these friends fans of this kind of music? Are they people who typically have time to meet at night at that location? Two yesses is really not bad IMO. I have a new friend who just moved to my city. She's trying to plan a get together for this Sunday night for dinner and/or cocktails. She invited 65 people via Facebook -all moms in the general area. It was scheduled for 7pm. She had very few yesses and moved it to 5:30pm. Now I actually might be able to make it but since it's a 15-20 minute drive (and I don't drive) and have to coordinate with my husband and son it's not as easy as saying "sure, see ya". And we've had a very difficult week, are behind on errands and chores and my husband is away on business until tomorrow night. Yes, I put in the effort whenever possible but honestly- while I'd love to get to know the new friend I'm not sure I'm up for a large meet and mingle thing. And I used to be up for that most of the time -these days, it's more rare. Honestly if she just wanted to meet me one on one I'd be more inclined to drop everything and go.

 

Just giving you an example so you can take this into account when you plan a large social gathering.

[1a1a]

Some were folks who have expressed an interest in getting to know me better, some are friends who would come out and see shows with me if they were single.

 

You're right about everyone busy, it's another thing that makes being single so Soul crushingly lonely, knowing you are no ones priority ever. In the end the couple didn't even come and the cute boy I had a crush on (have been burning that crush with fire for the last two months) was there and really drunk and literally ran away from me. Friday really sucked and I came away a lot more depressed than I went in.

[Batya33]

Some were folks who have expressed an interest in getting to know me better, some are friends who would come out and see shows with me if they were single.

 

You're right about everyone busy, it's another thing that makes being single so Soul crushingly lonely, knowing you are no ones priority ever. In the end the couple didn't even come and the cute boy I had a crush on (have been burning that crush with fire for the last two months) was there and really drunk and literally ran away from me. Friday really sucked and I came away a lot more depressed than I went in.

 

I cannot relate. When I was single -until around age 40 - I had several other priorities that affected my social life - work, professional activities, volunteer activities, family responsibilities (no I did not have kids -doesn't mean we don't have family responsibilities) - and also husband-hunting - meaning no, I wouldn't have met you for a music evening necessarily if there was a great singles event going on or if I had the opportunity to meet single men I might have things in common with (being in a club/bar situation wasn't that relevant to me especially in my 30s). Certainly my child is my top priority and because he is young it means I say no to lots of social stuff (because sitters are not really a great alternative for a number of reasons) - but most of the time it's not because I want to spend time with him at night - he's sleeping for much of that time!! - but because as a practical matter I can't leave him alone if my husband is away/not available. If a friend without children took offense to that or felt like she wasn't "my priority" - I mean, come on.

 

And yes I expect my friends to understand my priorities whether they are kids/marriage/work, etc and to cut slack just like I do for them. I work now part time and it's unpredictable so I cancelled a lunch last week because of a last minute assignment. Nothing to do with having a child or being married. Something I've had to do throughout my career including when I was full time.

 

Please - just understand much of this has nothing to do with marital/child status, ok?

 

I'm sorry the guy you had a crush on doesn't seem to be interested and I know it was hard to experience that during this time that seems difficult for you.

[1a1a]

I never said anything about marriage or children. The two friends who are partnered up now in particular were both previously actively seeking out my companionship and now they are in a new relationship cocoon that has (predictably) stopped. Which is to expected butcertainly doesn't do anything to alliviate my feelings of Isolation and insignificance.

 

The reality that friendships tend to be low priority to many people makes being single all the harder. And I get people are busy, I get busy too sometimes, but there's ways to be unavailable that don't feel like being superfluous, like, being turned down with a counter invitation is much nicer than just being turned down.

[Batya33]

I never said anything about marriage or children. The two friends who are partnered up now in particular were both previously actively seeking out my companionship and now they are in a new relationship cocoon that has (predictably) stopped. Which is to expected butcertainly doesn't do anything to alliviate my feelings of Isolation and insignificance.

 

The reality that friendships tend to be low priority to many people makes being single all the harder. And I get people are busy, I get busy too sometimes, but there's ways to be unavailable that don't feel like being superfluous, like, being turned down with a counter invitation is much nicer than just being turned down.

 

Totally understand. I don't think the priority issue has to do with marital/children status and I get the counter invitation part -that is annoying!