He Lied Our Entire Relationship!

[Unafied143]

I've been with the same guy for ten years and he has lied to me since day 1. At first, it was small white lies, but soon progressed to lying multiple times a day. He would watch porn, knowing it made me feel insecure. He would lie and say he was tired, only to stay home alone to watch that garbage! He would choose that over hanging out with me! I went everywhere alone and was basically single. He chose to stay up super late every night instead of coming to bed with me. It then, progressed to chatting with random girls, having emotional affairs and hiding it all!! He would email these girls pictures of our family and with one particular girl, I didn't exist. He was a single dad, living alone. He would go out after work to the bar and I was never invited, nor was I even made aware of these outings. He would go to friends houses and I never even knew about anything ! He claims he hasn't cheated but he has fooled me the last ten years, so I'm not really sure don't know what to do? He's clearly a pathological liar that likes to look random women up on the internet. Do all men look? I'd be ok with it, if he were honest with me. Now, he claims he's gonna change, and that he's gonna be completely open and honest. Should I trust him? Cuz I don't!! Because of him, I don't trust myself, and I feel super insecure that I'm not giving him what he wants and desires. If he's always gonna look up other women, and it's part of who he is, why hide it ? I'm lost

[thealchemist]

I've been with the same guy for ten years and he has lied to me since day 1. At first, it was small white lies, but soon progressed to lying multiple times a day. He would watch porn, knowing it made me feel insecure. He would lie and say he was tired, only to stay home alone to watch that garbage! He would choose that over hanging out with me! I went everywhere alone and was basically single. He chose to stay up super late every night instead of coming to bed with me. It then, progressed to chatting with random girls, having emotional affairs and hiding it all!! He would email these girls pictures of our family and with one particular girl, I didn't exist. He was a single dad, living alone. He would go out after work to the bar and I was never invited, nor was I even made aware of these outings. He would go to friends houses and I never even knew about anything ! He claims he hasn't cheated but he has fooled me the last ten years, so I'm not really sure don't know what to do? He's clearly a pathological liar that likes to look random women up on the internet. Do all men look? I'd be ok with it, if he were honest with me. Now, he claims he's gonna change, and that he's gonna be completely open and honest. Should I trust him? Cuz I don't!! Because of him, I don't trust myself, and I feel super insecure that I'm not giving him what he wants and desires. If he's always gonna look up other women, and it's part of who he is, why hide it ? I'm lost

10 years with a relationship based on lies is rough. You need to get away. Sounds like he has a serious addiction. If he hasn't changed in 10 years his chances aren't good.

 

I will say I watch porn some. My wife is fully aware. I don't hide anything. She is normally too tired anyways if I'm watching it. I just like very regular sex, and she has words she will use if she is too tired. I will then take the hint. But never would I chat with or do anything with a live person. That is going into the sex addiction area.

 

I don't even see anything worth salvaging.

[Hollyj]

I think you should address why you did not walk, after the first six months. This is more about you, than him.

 

You can address/change your low self esteem, but not his character. You are still wanting him to morph into a decent guy, instead of being done. Wake up!

 

Please get some therapy to understand why YOU would ever ALLOW this type of relationship.

 

End it, already!!!!!

[SherrySher]

He has done this over and over, so the chance of him changing now is pretty much nil. He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear but he's not interested in changing.

 

And no, it's never normal or okay for a man in a relationship to be chatting online to other women. It is a form of cheating and it is a betrayal.

 

Porn is different, if he is watching it now and then only when you are tired that's not an issue, but if he is replacing you with porn and wants that instead of you, then yes, that's a very bad problem.

 

This guys character is very shady and he has treated you like dirt far too many times, but you've also allowed it.

 

If you want better, boot him out the door and find someone else who won't act like this, but this man you are with now is never going to change.

[Unafied143]

But I love him, and it's so hard to leave what you've become so comfortable with. Am I wrong for believing that he will change? It's not nice living a life where you think you're being lied to everyday. Thanks so much for the advice but leaving him seems so hard to do right now. Like I said before, he claims he's gonna be open and honest and it's been much better, but I don't know if I can let it all go this time.

[SherrySher]

He will hide it better, that's the only change that will happen.

[Unafied143]

You're probably right ☹️

[Hollyj]

Don't you think its time you loved yourself!

 

This is who he is. He has shown you this for TEN WHOLE YEARS! C'mon! Also, why are you with someone who has to change. Why is that enough for you?

[Unafied143]

He's just so dam believable, that I really feel deep down, that he's gonna change this time. He has broken me. I have no self esteem, and he knows this! He wants to fix me and knows the damage he's caused. Am I foolish for believing that he can change even when he's admitted to his mistakes/choices?

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, but he does not respect you, or the relationship. He is cheating on you. Why are you staying with someone who has deceived you for 10 years? Please don't say it is because you love him. You know that he is lying yet you continue to stick around.

 

HE WILL NOT CHANGE. It is totally on you, now. He has shown you, over and over, who he is.

 

Please get counseling. It seems that you are attracted to the drama of this situation, this is not love.

[DancingFool]

He's just so dam believable, that I really feel deep down, that he's gonna change this time. He has broken me. I have no self esteem, and he knows this! He wants to fix me and knows the damage he's caused. Am I foolish for believing that he can change even when he's admitted to his mistakes/choices?

 

No, he hasn't broken you and no, he is not that believable. You are here seeking support because deep down you know what you need to do - dump him. You also know that you cannot believe him. You absolutely have it in you to end things with him and move on and find genuine happiness with someone else. Someone who is not a pathological liar and a cheater. Plenty of men out there who are a million times better than this clown. I believe in you and I dare speak for other posters here too that they believe in you too. You can remove this cancer from your life. You aren't broken. The fact that you are here posting proves it.

[Unafied143]

Wow guys ❤️Thanks so much for the support, when I have absolutely no where to go from here. I wouldn't even know how to leave him... we have two kids, one is mine and one is his. I've been the only mother figure in his daughters life, besides her Gramma. I don't want to be another person who left his daughter too, Bc her mom was a drug addict and abandoned her at a young age. And yes, I know I'm stupid for loving him still, but why do I believe that this may be the last time and he really is gonna change?

[Hollyj]

Good luck with that. How many times has he cheated/lied on you?

 

You are making his daughter an excuse not to leave.

[Hollyj]

Remember, you are a role model for your daughter. You are showing her it is OK to tolerate this kind of treatment from a man. She does know.

[Queenmarie24]

I agree with others it's time to let go when though it may hard but you can do it hun! If I may ask how did you go about finding out he was messaging these women on the porn sites?

[Queenmarie24]

Wow guys ❤️Thanks so much for the support, when I have absolutely no where to go from here. I wouldn't even know how to leave him... we have two kids, one is mine and one is his. I've been the only mother figure in his daughters life, besides her Gramma. I don't want to be another person who left his daughter too, Bc her mom was a drug addict and abandoned her at a young age. And yes, I know I'm stupid for loving him still, but why do I believe that this may be the last time and he really is gonna change?

Yes it's time to let go unfortunately! It will be tough but you got this!! How did you find out he was messaging these women on porn sites? I was curious

[thealchemist]

He's just so dam believable, that I really feel deep down, that he's gonna change this time. He has broken me. I have no self esteem, and he knows this! He wants to fix me and knows the damage he's caused. Am I foolish for believing that he can change even when he's admitted to his mistakes/choices?

You are broken. Why would he ever change? You are totally malleable. He does whatever he wants. He cheats on you but as long as he lies convincingly enough he is in the clear?

 

For the love of god, leave this guy. You are always going to be miserable with him.

 

You need to work on whatever issues you have that make you stay with him. I would also get checked out for STDs. A guy like that is total garage and eventually you will get something that doesn't go away.

[Unafied143]

He was messaging girls on poker apps, and through live streaming, not the porn, at least that's what he said. One of the girls on those apps told me he wouldn't even give her his phone number and he claims he hasn't physically cheated ? I just don't know 🤷♀️

[Queenmarie24]

He was messaging girls on poker apps, and through live streaming, not the porn, at least that's what he said. One of the girls on those apps told me he wouldn't even give her his phone number and he claims he hasn't physically cheated ? I just don't know 🤷♀️

But he was flirting and emotionally cheating I can't see him changing maybe he could try counseling but I don't know if that would help him

[DancingFool]

But he was flirting and emotionally cheating I can't see him changing maybe he could try counseling but I don't know if that would help him

 

OK, ^hit the nail of the head. Beside just telling you that he will change, what concrete steps is he taking? Has he found a therapist? Booked his first appointment? Going to bookstores getting some self help materials? Working on himself full force?

 

If you are just thinking that well, he is being open with me by giving me access to his phone, computer, accounts, etc......boy are you in for a shock at some point down the road when you find out that all your policing and all his "openness" was for naught. He simply had gotten better at hiding things from you. Putting you in a position where you have to play is parole officer is NOT him working on fixing his issues.

[Unafied143]

He hasn't done any of those things... and I've even mentioned that to him. I'm over here, looking up help sites, researching mental conditions that would cause someone to lie so much, and looking up what's wrong with me Bc I think it's all my fault, or it's something I did. He's not doing any of that, but I know he would be open to getting into therapy. St least, I think he would

[DancingFool]

He hasn't done any of those things... and I've even mentioned that to him. I'm over here, looking up help sites, researching mental conditions that would cause someone to lie so much, and looking up what's wrong with me Bc I think it's all my fault, or it's something I did. He's not doing any of that, but I know he would be open to getting into therapy. St least, I think he would

 

It's not your fault he is a pathological liar. Frankly, unless he actually goes to counseling and actually starts working on his issues for real, nothing is going to change long term. In fact, blaming yourself and sticking around while letting him off the hook of taking any real action and having to deal with real consequences.....you are just teaching him that he can absolutely carry on as he is. For as long as you allow it, he has no incentive to lift a single finger for real.....besides feeding you a lot of bs talk that you keep buying wholesale.

[Unafied143]

I've been fooled by him for so long, that I don't know what's real anymore. I can't trust anyone, let alone myself. I can't make any friends Bc my confidence is at a all time low. He literally, had this whole other life, while mine wasted away. He chose everyone and everything over me. I'm just holding on to the last bit of hope that I have, in hopes he really will change this time. know, I probably sound so stupid for even saying I wanna stay with him. What's wrong with me?

[DancingFool]

I've been fooled by him for so long, that I don't know what's real anymore. I can't trust anyone, let alone myself. I can't make any friends Bc my confidence is at a all time low. He literally, had this whole other life, while mine wasted away. He chose everyone and everything over me. I'm just holding on to the last bit of hope that I have, in hopes he really will change this time. know, I probably sound so stupid for even saying I wanna stay with him. What's wrong with me?

 

Nothing. Restoring your confidence starts with baby steps. Go join a hobby group that you like or a sports group or just go take a lesson, then do it again the following week. Baby steps. Start getting out, start doing things. Go to meetup.com and see what you like there. Start participating whatever strikes your interest. Go volunteer at the local museum one night a month. Anything really. Point is that as you make yourself get out and do stuff, step by step, you'll start to feel good again, have fun again, build friendships again. It won't be instant, but normalcy, what normal fun people and real life feels like will come back to you and that will give you the strength to leave him. Overcoming the damage this relationship has done to you though won't be easy, but you do have it in you and just start with one step at a time. At first, it's truly not about wanting to do it, but just making yourself do it until you get to the point where you actually want to.

[Unafied143]

Nothing. Restoring your confidence starts with baby steps. Go join a hobby group that you like or a sports group or just go take a lesson, then do it again the following week. Baby steps. Start getting out, start doing things. Go to meetup.com and see what you like there. Start participating whatever strikes your interest. Go volunteer at the local museum one night a month. Anything really. Point is that as you make yourself get out and do stuff, step by step, you'll start to feel good again, have fun again, build friendships again. It won't be instant, but normalcy, what normal fun people and real life feels like will come back to you and that will give you the strength to leave him. Overcoming the damage this relationship has done to you though won't be easy, but you do have it in you and just start with one step at a time. At first, it's truly not about wanting to do it, but just making yourself do it until you get to the point where you actually want to.

 

Thanks so much for your advice. It's helping me tremendously. I know what I gotta do but some part of me wants to wish he was a better man, and that it's not all true. I've brushed it off for so long, and I need to take some type of action. Do something for myself, focus on me for a bit so I can get better. I need to start making the right choices. I'm gonna try some of the things you mentioned. Thanks so much again.