Little problem

[EliasDelRey]

My gf of 3 years (currently living with her parents) is planning on buying a house within the next few months . Shes seems to be pushing the idea of having her nephew (12 y/o) around on the weekends,but I'm not sure if I can handle such a responsibility being that he has ADHD. The child and his dad aren't particularly close,and I feel like she's trying to band-aid the situation. Her nephew has been going through problems in school,getting in trouble, and mentioned suicide. I'm worried just as much the next person but I feel like it's not out FULL responsibility to care after him. His father always pushes him off on her so he's built a bond but now that he's close to being a teen even my gf is having a hard time managing him and now I feel like she wants me to play the uncle role which I'm not fully comfortable with. My two concerns are would she do the same for me if the roles were reversed? (she's already mentioned that my younger 19 y/o brother can't stay a night when he's home from school unless we both talk about it.) My other concern is how can I tell her that I feel like it's a lot of responsibility for me to have someone pushed on me? I feel like it would be a big problem if I told that I didn't want him over a certain weekend. I just want us to have more personal time before we decide to have kids.

[happyfrank]

Sounds like your girlfriend loves her nephew(strong bond). She was there since birth. She isn't playing the role of her dad. She just loves him and wants the best for him.

 

My sister in law has a strong relationship with my son. Nephew will be family if you get married to her. I think it's important to help be a positive influence. Don't run away from a problem. Face it.

 

Good luck.

[DancingFool]

Seems like you both have the same problem - not liking or accepting each others family. That just doesn't bode well for marriage and long term relationship.

 

Why do you feel like she would be pushing the nephew onto you. Why do you think he'd be there every single weekend and your responsibility? Honestly, these are exactly the kinds of serious conversations you have to be able to have with each other if you are contemplating a serious future and having your own family with her down the road.

[MissCanuck]

I can understand your concerns about the nephew having emotional troubles, and why it's a lot to take on as his aunt's partner. He sounds like he's struggling a lot and without experience in these situations, it's hard to know what to do.

 

I disagree she's trying to Band-Aid the situation, though. I believe she is doing this out of genuine love for him and wanting the best things in life for him. As an aunt myself, my brother's kids and I have a very tight bond and I too would do what it takes to provide them with happiness and stability. However, you two might be getting ahead of yourselves - if he's approaching his teens years, he'd likely not going to be wanting to spend every weekend with his aunt anyway.

 

If you are going to be living with her, I think you two would find it beneficial to visit a therapist who is experienced in family dynamics. Your girlfriend needs to understand the best way to approach her nephew, and how to balance the situation so she's not putting all the responsibility on you (or herself) without the proper tools and coping strategies in place. You have a voice too, and she needs to open to listening to your concerns about this situation.

 

If she's unwilling to do that, you two might need to have a very honest re-evaluation of your future together. You're at the stage now where you're blending families and need to realistically assess whether your expectations and ideas are compatible. Otherwise, you're in for one heck of a bumpy ride with a lot of tension and disagreement around the corner.

[thealchemist]

I understand you concerns. You see the dynamic she has with her nephew and if it bothers you then you two need to have a serious conversation about it.

 

If she is trying to force you into a role you aren't comfortable with then it is an issue with you and your gf. I didn't really seem like you said she was but I know it happens a lot.

 

If she buys the house and you live with her though you are kind of limited on how much sway you have. I doubt a teen is going to want to spend every weekend with his aunt. If that is the case though I would not be cool with that either.