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Hi, so I'm so super upset, and I don't know what to do because it feels like I'm dying.

I dated a guy for 8 months after I got out of the worst relationship of my life. Everything seemed so perfect; we worked together because we're both musicians, we jammed, we told each other we wanted to make it last for a very very long time.

Half way through, I became very dependent on him, and would sometimes get upset when he needed "space." Because of this, I sought out counseling (2 months later) to become more independent of myself, and went on anxiety medication as well.

Every time he said he needed space, I granted it of course. I didn't let it bother me that he was out with his friends, alone in his room, etc. we went from spending 7 nights a week together down to 4.

I thought I was doing a super job!! I was so proud of myself. We went out to California, we felt close over the weekends we did spend together, and honestly, he was the first guy I really had sex with. It's like everything fell into place and was meant to be!

I knew his past. He's in a serious band (which I stopped going to his gigs to prove I could be independent), and he hasn't had a serious relationship a few years before me. He would hook up with girls randomly, but never commit. That is, until he met me. He said he was ready to settle down and commit.

This past month, he required more and more space, which I granted, but he kept setting the bar higher and higher for me to reach. He would start to pick fights over the dumbest things that I wasn't even upset about, and just constantly ask for more space when I gave it to him.

 

6 days ago, he went to counseling with me to see if we could make it work... but he was already checked out. We can to compromise on how to make us work, and he agreed. The next day he come over after I tell him I'm always willing to put in more effort, but basically says "I love you very much, you brought joy into my life... but I have to say goodbye."

 

I didn't understand. I gave him space, and I gave him sex. I talked to him last night to see if we could make things work. He said he still loves me, but can't be with me, and that there's no hope for the future. He's in pain as well, and a lot of it... so why is he doing this to both of us if we love each other so much??

 

I told my brother about it. He said he's hiding something and isn't telling me. Like another lover. He wants to be single so he can hook up with girls and talk to them. It came as bad to a point where my (now ex) boyfriend didn't even want me to text him until he texted me, because that's how much space he needed.

 

I've never been so confused, and so upset in my entire life. I feel like I'm dying because I thought he was the one for me. Is there someone else? What did I do so terrible to make him leave?

 

I asked him to just think and reflect on all the memories we had and how much he'll miss them, and how we could've created more. He said "even though it hurts to look at them now, one day we'll be happy to look back on them."

 

I don't know what to do. I can't eat or sleep. I thought he was it. I really did.

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You didn't do anything wrong. I agree with your brother there is things he isn't telling you. Maybe he wants to be single and be able to hook up with whoever he wants. You deserve better than that and you deserve someone who doesn't constantly need space from you. If he said he loves you but can't be with you that is a lie, sorry. If he really loved you he would be with you no matter what.

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You didn't do anything wrong. I agree with your brother there is things he isn't telling you. Maybe he wants to be single and be able to hook up with whoever he wants. You deserve better than that and you deserve someone who doesn't constantly need space from you. If he said he loves you but can't be with you that is a lie, sorry. If he really loved you he would be with you no matter what.

 

You're right. He's not one to lie though. He was always open and honest... if he told me he didn't want a committed relationship he should've said so instead of blaming me for everything and not giving him space. It's so hard to let go and accept it. I thought we would've gone the distance. I really feel like I'm dying

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Stop saying he's the love of your life, because it's not true. He's now a past relationship that you can learn from. Spending 7 days a week together when you've only been together 8 months, and I'm assuming that started far earlier, was way too much time together, even if both people agree at the time. It could feel smothering, especially when a man has been bed hopping for the last few years with brief relationships.

 

I would continue therapy, and make sure you don't make one person the sole center of your universe. Always keep your support system of friends, and have some hobbies/interests that don't involve a man.

 

Instead of jumping from one relationship to the next, it'll be healthier to learn to be happy solo before dating again. When you get to that point, you will want to share your joy with someone, versus seeking someone you think will make you happy.

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