Help me understand and see what's right. I am reacting in a self-destructive way.

[meographer]

This is a bit of a long post.

But I am really struggling.

Your perspective and help is highly appreciated.

 

Me and my girlfriend dated for 9 months before breaking up.

We had been in a relationship for about 3 months and decided we want to live together. We left our countries to do further education and to start a life together. We were living together since the start and are enrolled in the same course and same class. Problems started about a month of living together where I found my girlfriend had texted her ex boyfriend and asked him how he was doing.

 

There was a big fight, she cried and said it would not happen again and I gave her a second chance. I was a bit possessive in the start but this may have made me a bit more controlling. Fast forward two months I had to go to my home country and she had to go to her relatives in another country. There was another instance of similar sort.

 

I found emails of her where they were exchanging things which sort of seemed like a final dip to check if there was something there. But she ended up saying that we are over each other, this is between this guy and her and this is what she wrote to him.

I asked her she lied again and when I confronted her she broke-up with me. But was crying and wanting a second chance again.

 

But she never admitted that she talked to this guy until I told her so in person (about the emails) when I got back.

She made promises like I want you and everything will happen as per you. But then after two months and 15 days she said I am not happy with you and I do not want to be with you I want to move out. During this two month period she stopped dressing up and cut off with her friends to prove to me her love.

 

But when there were discussions she said I stopped talking to my friends because of you and I always said to her you can talk to your friends but she did not and said that if I did you will be all crazy checking my phone etc.

Once she said that I do not want the relationship to end and I do not want to give up on us, she said she had made up her mind and wanted to go. She said please let me go. We had our exams in few days so I said we will talk about this after our exams.

 

During the exams we had sex 2 times and on one instance she specifically asked me to wear a condom which was weird for me as she did not ask this way before and most of the time she could not care less about me wearing a condom and the last time we had sex was without protection.

 

On the day of the last exam she brought up the topic again and that spoil my mood and instead of going out, we planned to go home, but I could not walk after hearing the fact that she will leave and sat to collect myself, she kept on walking and never stopped nor did she ask me where I was until I got back home after 5 hours. She had already told the landlord that we are moving out. I had hoped that she will stay especially after the sex. Why have sex with someone you do not plan to stay with.

 

Although I took the initiative she did not. We again had a fight that day and I left for my uncles place which is 150 Kilometers away. I left her a note that I am going did not tell her where. She called me several times in the afternoon I did not answer then she called my brother-in-law and he told me that she was crying and was worried.

 

The moment she kept the phone with my brother in law she texted a guy and explained to her that her life had been messed up by another relationship and sent him her number. This guy had previously expressed his interest in marring her. Considering the fiasco my uncle and aunt did not want me staying there and asked me to pay the dues and pack my stuff. That's exactly what I did.

 

She started sending me texts that she loved me and does not want me to go but is afraid we will end up the same. This was only once I packed my stuff and It was official that I am leaving. Also I found out after this that she had made a tinder account and a Facebook account (she did not have facebook for the past 5 years) I did not respond to these texts.

 

Then I saw her in class. She ignored me and sort of sighed but in the afternoon we had an eye contact following which she said "this and kept some mail on my table and left."

 

The next day we again had an eye contact 2-3 times and she did not say anything and neither did I.

Seeing her is making me weak. And my head goes in circles, I start to re-evaluate everything.

 

I do not know if I did right or wrong. And although there were major and minor slip-ups she is a nice girl too.

I never opened up to anybody else the way I did to her. I still feel the need to be cared and loved by her.

I do love her but doubt if it is reciprocated the same way and how do i trust her again.

But i truly doubt her love for me, considering her behavior (making a tinder account and Facebook account blocking me on Instagram).

I do not know what to do. How to react or what to think and what not to think.

 

Thank you for reading through and helping.

Much appreciated.

[MissCanuck]

Wow, this relationship was spectacularly unhealthy on many levels.

 

First, you moved into together far too quickly. You shouldn't have been shacking up already at 3 months. As you can see, you didn't know her as well as you thought you did, and she has unfinished business with her ex. Whose idea was it to move in together?

 

Second, you should doubt her love for you, OP. What you have isn't love, not even close. It's toxic. She is not trustworthy and doesn't love you. Her cutting off her friends and not dressing up means squat, other than the dynamic between you two is very dysfunctional.

 

Third, you need to ask yourself why you feel this need to be loved by her. That says a lot more about you than her. Do you not feel you are worth more? Is this your first real relationship? Because I promise you, she isn't going to make you feel better about yourself. Quite the opposite, in fact. She won't stick around and you shouldn't want to go back to this mess.

 

Finally, get yourself tested. If she suddenly asked you to use a condom when you hadn't done so before, I can guarantee you it's because she's had unprotected sex with someone else. And it probably wasn't the first time. Do not take her word for anything; you already know she lies.

 

She is immature and not The One. Cut yourself free from this so you can find your self-worth and your happiness again.

[meographer]

It was both people's idea but now that you have pointed that out I think she may have manipulated me into this.

This is my first relationship.

I was thinking of getting tested too. Initially I thought that she said this because she did not want a baby with me.

Also she did not make me wear a condom the first time we had sex.

I did not think of wearing it too.

She was not a virgin but I was a virgin.

I just feel like I ed up big time.

I really loved her and I feel like I am being punished and all this because I loved her.

How to I handle the part where I have to see her every week for two days during class.

And also I have to do some presentations as a part of my course.

I feel nervous and scared to get up there in front of the whole class.

And everyone knew that we were together and had a hint that we were living together.

 

Also to point out the fact that she did not contact me after the day I moved my stuff.

Nor did I and I did not want to honestly.

I seriously think what the hell was I thinking and really wonder what type of a person is this girl.

Do people have no sense of right or wrong.

[MissCanuck]

You need to put on your bravest face, be civil when you see her, and push forward. It won't be easy, but you can do it.

 

You're not being punished because you love her. You're being mistreated because she doesn't love you.

[meographer]

I am scared about the fact that what If I blast on her about all the infidelity she did.

I hope that she does not approach me in anyway because I may blast.

Should I blast if she tries to talk to me.

Or should I stay quite about this fact.

But what I feel is if I do not say anything then what type of a person am I?

[MissCanuck]

I am scared about the fact that what If I blast on her about all the infidelity she did.

I hope that she does not approach me in anyway because I may blast.

Should I blast if she tries to talk to me.

Or should I stay quite about this fact.

But what I feel is if I do not say anything then what type of a person am I?

 

What do you mean by "blast", exactly? Become very angry and tell her exactly what you think?

 

You can certainly let her know what she did is awful, but the problem with people like her is that they just don't care that much. That lack of emotional care is precisely why they're able to behave this way in the first place. They have no empathy or consideration for others' feelings. Sure, she'll probably get on her high horse and tell you that you're crazy or some other nonsense. But it won't ultimately change anything. Losing your temper with this girl could have some very negative consequences for you, as she strikes me as the type who would try to get back at you. She thrives off drama, remember, so she is probably hoping you'll react badly so she can do the same. Don't give her the pleasure. Going completely cold on her would be the much better option.

 

I would make sure you have everything out of that apartment and that you stay civil at school.

[dave4443]

Since its your first relationship and in all honesty under a year is pretty short. You will get over this one pretty quickly, it won't feel like it but after a week or two you'll be in a much better place. First one stings but it's not as bad as what might happen in the future I jest, honestly you'll be fine

[meographer]

That is exactly what I mean by blasting.

Probably telling her that she was sleeping with other people while sleeping on the same bed as mine.

But you are right, she probably has some reason to justify this behavior of her's.

At Uni I just ignore her and do not acknowledge her presence.

Also if she tries to talk to me in any way or if she tries to play games to get back with me.

What do I do in such a situation.

I have a feeling she might do the same to whoever she dates by contacting me.

 

I was just thinking by reacting at a place like school will tarnish my image.

I am also a bit concerned about what she may say to other people about me.

She may say mean and bad things about me.

[meographer]

Thanks Dave.

I hope everything turns up okay.