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Can't drive ? Deal breaker


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Sadly, I can no longer drive due to the combination of getting wounded and glaucoma. It was actually pretty devastating the first time I couldn't get my license renewed, but I've by and large gotten over it. Try to spin it by telling myself whatever money I'd eventually put into a nice car will just go to something else cool. I still miss driving a lot. The lady still lets me handle the tough parallel parking jobs for her, though. If she's honest, that's more for her benefit than my own.


Fortunately, what's almost routinely been the consensus here when folks have asked the question before (though refreshingly not this time so far) never really affected my dating life. Granted, I have the "advantage" of there being a medical reason rather than lack of desire, but I also make sure I can get around independently, not at all depending on my date for rides.

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To me, it would really depend on a lot of factors. Is there a *reason* they can't drive (vision problem, disability, etc.)? Do we both live in the same urban area with an extensive public transportation system? Are they responsibly arranging and providing alternate transportation (or are they expecting other people - friends, family, me --to pick up the slack)?


If the answer to all three of those is "no" then absolutely it is a deal-breaker. I understand that in some other countries or even areas of the US, driving is an optional activity, but where I live, it is absolutely not. In order to live a normal adult life, someone has to drive you places, and if that someone is not yourself, then it is falling on someone else. I'm not signing up to be someone's chauffer unless there is a GOOD reason they need one.

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I'll wake up and be the bad guy. Yes, for me it's a bit of a dealbreaker.


I live in the burbs where the public transit system is not so great.


I did date a guy who did not drive. I found it to be a lot of work. For example, while we lived 15-20 minutes away by car, for him to take the bus to my house it would take 1.5 hours and 3 busses (his house -> bus station in his town, his town -> my town, my town -> my house - each comes every 30 minutes and they don't always connect). So - not being a jerk - I would simply always go to him. His work? An hour and 2 busses or a 10 minute drive. Not being a jerk, I would of course offer to drive him to work, even if I wasn't feeling well. And then there's winter. Are you going to let someone you care about stand in below-zero temperatures with whipping snow and ice waiting for a bus that may or may not arrive in winter-stormy weather? Or are you going to have a heart and just drive them?


Then, of course, he came to expect my niceness and I would need to drive him to every little thing. It became my responsibility [\I] to drive him to every little thing. In his case, it wasn't a disability which was a barrier, it was a lack of desire to learn how to drive.


It impacted where we went, how we met up, vacations (long road trips can only be so long if we're not sharing the driving).


While I'm not a monster and i would of course take into consideration a disability, in a place where 95% of the people drive - yeah, it's an easy "deal breaker"


I think it's very different if you both live in the city where public transit is more accessible and convenient. It's a lifestyle.


At the end of the day, there will be people where it will be a dealbreaker and people who won't care. You just have to find one person who won't care.

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It might be depending on geographic circumstances. I have an extreme example -a friend who dated someone on and off for years (not sure if they are still together). He grew up in a city where he didn't need to drive, and was very scared to take car services, etc. She lived in the city but grew up in the burbs, worked in the burbs at a great job with longevity and wanted eventually to move there to decrease her commute and raise a family there and close to her family. His not being able to drive made that impossible (he was for this plan otherwise). So to be with him she'd have to give up that goal and it also impeded them from traveling to places where he'd need to take a car service or taxi to get around. It can get to an extreme.


I got my license 1.5 years ago at age 49. I lived in a major city the first 43 years of my life where I didn't need to drive. I still am not driving on my own because I still live in a city with intense, crazy driving -I am scared. No one has refused to be friends with me and I never, ever ask for rides or feel "entitled" to rides. I take public transportation everywhere and sometimes my husband will drive. But I see where it could be more of a problem in an ongoing friendship with someone in the burbs. On the other hand, I feel that people in the burbs can take public transportation and/or drive to see me since I live in a major city with tons to do. Take turns. A few of them won't drive into the city or use public transportation. It's not an easy issue.

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For the most part, yes. We don't have good alternatives to driving here. I guess it would somewhat depend on the reasons. Is it a symptom of laziness? Fearfulness? Someone who avoids adventure? Someone who uses others? If so then I'd want no part. I need someone who can keep up.

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I agree with the consensus that it depends on why they don't drive. Although, I live about an hour drive from anything interesting, so around here, you have to drive. Car, tractor, lawn mower, whatever works. So I think for me out here in the corn fields, yeah, it'd probably be a deal breaker. Out here, no car usually means no job (unless you strike gold and find a work-from-home opportunity. Not likely).

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For the record, I'd never take it personally if someone nixed me for not being able to drive anymore. Again, I might be fortunate, but I've never dated someone who wasn't understanding of it. I can attest to it sucking in smaller and more disjointed areas. When I first couldn't renew my license, I was living in a fairly suburban / rural town in Oregon. It did have public transportation, and it was nice that it was free, but most routes were obnoxious loops that took 60+ minutes to travel the places I could run or bike to in the same amount of time if I went to straight route down. Actually met my current lady there. She'd pick me up a few times, but I mostly insisted on meeting places, and I definitely never asked her to give me a lift for my own personal errands.


Right now I'm in NYC, which is obviously very accessible with public transport. We have talked about where we'll settle down afterward, though. If we move near my family, it'll be easier on me in terms of traveling and commute. If we move near hers, there will be quite a few challenges to navigate, but nothing impossible. Would likely need to bike and would probably budget what I'd normally use for a payment, insurance, and gas into cabs, furniture delivery, etc. as needed. She's very kind with all of it, but I've also never made my transportation woes hers. I don't have a problem putting in the extra thought and effort getting around on my own. Unfortunately, though, the reality is there are certain responsibilities that I'm not going to be able to efficiently handle without being able to drive, and I wouldn't blame anyone for taking that into consideration. Best I can do is pick up the slack in other ways.

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Can he not drive or does he just not have a vehicle right now?


It would make it tough, that's for sure. Yes there are other modes of transportation but your date having a vehicle in which to pick you up in, is the easiest and most convenient.


I'll give you my honest answer, if there were two men that I liked and one drove and one did not, I would pick the one who drove.


It's a matter of personal opinion, obviously.

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I agree with you jman. It's rough but you can pick up the slack in other ways. If I lived in a major city like NYC or Boston, then it would be a complete non issue and I wouldn't have an issue with someone who didn't/couldn't drive. But where I am, woo, it's bad.

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For the record, I'd never take it personally if someone nixed me for not being able to drive anymore.


Hopefully, since you're engaged (I think?) you will never be placed in the position of not taking it personally.


Right now I'm in NYC, which is obviously very accessible with public transport.


I will take that a bit further to say it would be ludicrous to even own a car in NYC, let alone drive one.


I live in downtown San Diego and don't drive. I sold my car 2 years ago, as it was just sitting in my garage. Every time I went to start it to drive someplace (like once a month if that), the battery was dead and had to call AAA.


Not to mention the $80.00 per month I was paying for parking plus $150 per month insurance.


Most of the men I have dated also lived downtown or close to.


The guy I am dating now lives in North SD County, inland, approx. 40 miles away. So he has been driving downtown and we go out down here. TONS to do down here.


But he wanted me to see where and how he lives too so Saturday he picked me up and drove us back to his, then me back home Sunday mid-morning, then he drove down again last night. That's A LOT of driving!


He was happy to do it but if we continue dating not sure how long that will last. At some point I may have to re-think this not having a car thing. I may be moving away from downtown anyway, so we'll see.


If HE didn't drive either, that would be an issue I think since public transport from where he lives to mine (and vice versa) is pretty much nil except for Uber or taxi but that can get really expensive.


So for me it would depend on the circumstances.

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Definite deal breaker for me. The state I live in is just not public transportation friendly so it would limit things significantly.


We all have our list when looking for a partner: job, doesn't live with mom, isn't a killer, non smoker, pet friendly, has a car....


It wouldn't be a question on dating apps if it wasn't a deal breaker for people.

Doesn't make you a bad person, everyone has different standards. It's about finding someone who matches yours.

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It depends.


If someone is 40 and lived in their parents basement all their lives and just didn't get around to getting a driver's license because they were lazy --- its a flat out no.


if the person does not drive because of an eye condition like j.man but did have a license up until then and have a gainful life -- then its not a dealbreaker.

And if they have accepted this and have arranged their life - moving to where they could walk or take reliable public transportation to work and the store, etc, it really especially would not be a dealbreaker. plenty of people have professional careers and don't drive because they live in Manhatten or have a condition where they cannot.

That guy would probably take an Uber car when he needed to travel outside of that loop and wouldn't always be totally dependent on others for rides as well.

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