Helping a Friend Through Her Break-Up

[BlueEternity]

(Not sure which forum to put this in)

 

I have a very dear friend that I have known since we were small children. We've gone through periods of being more distant, either emotionally or geographically, but our friendship has remained very strong through high school, through college, and the years since. Her family members are like relatives to me, and vice versa. Right now, however, we live several hours apart, and usually see each other a couple times a year.

 

Her boyfriend of four years just broke up with her. She is understandably devastated, and I am at a loss to know how to help her. Neither of us has ever gone through a big break-up before, just short-lived casual relationships fizzling out. She had expected to marry this guy, and in fact, we all had expected a proposal by Christmas. The break-up wasn't due to anything dramatic like cheating or something, but rather personality/communication conflicts that had been a pattern throughout their relationship. Personally, I think the pressure of realizing it was time for a lifetime commitment is what made him re-think things. Honestly, I never liked him all that much and I think she can do a lot better, but I am smart enough not to say that to her right now! She is still very much hoping that she can fix herself and get him back. They both told each other that they still loved the other, but he's been maintaining no contact for about two weeks (I think she's attempting NC, but hasn't been entirely successful).

 

If I lived closer, I would be trying to be physically present for her, going out, keeping her too busy to sit and stew about things, hoping to help her recognize that she is an awesome person that doesn't need to be fixed. But I can't do that. I've seen her once since the break-up, at her brother's wedding (Her gem of an ex broke things off the week of - he was supposed to be a groomsman, too), where we could only talk for a little. We've texted and called a little, and I sent her a handwritten letter, but any contact seems to prompt a flood of emotions and explanations. I don't mind listening, but she finds it exhausting, and it makes her sad, and so then she wants space.

 

I know I can't make everything better for her, and she has to walk this road by herself, but what can I do to be a supportive friend when I can't physically be there for her? Are there any pitfalls to avoid? I have literally never known her to be so unhappy in her life, and my heart is just aching for her.

[Hollyj]

You sound like a fabulous friend!!

 

The only things that will help: time, keeping busy and most importantly, NC!

 

Why don't you like this guy?

[dave4443]

Tell her not to check social media ! that is one that we all do a few times sadly but if she can be strong enough to avoid that it's a great step

[BlueEternity]

You sound like a fabulous friend!!

 

The only things that will help: time, keeping busy and most importantly, NC!

 

Why don't you like this guy?

 

He always kind of came across like a jerk. He's very snarky and critical, whereas my friend is enthusiastic and accepting to a fault. He frequently seemed resentful of her outgoing, high-energy ways, whereas I watched her walk on a lot of eggshells to accommodate his introversion. He wasn't up front with her about not being sure he wanted kids, even though he knew that's a huge life goal/dream for her (and has been since she was very young), and by the time he was honest, she was in love and didn't want to break things off. He has a history of depression and suicide attempts, and even though I don't hold that against him as a person, it's not exactly what you aspire to for your close friend. He has also told her on several different occasions that various emotional demands she makes on him are triggers for his depression. Overall, I think the break-up is for the best, I just think the timing was incredibly terrible and it is very painful for my friend (and probably for him too, but screw him, I don't care).

 

Tell her not to check social media ! that is one that we all do a few times sadly but if she can be strong enough to avoid that it's a great step

 

Yikes, she basically lives on social media. She's been posting sad/introspective songs and quotes left and right all week, and she still has a picture of the two of them as her profile.

[dave4443]

She should change that straight away, and throw away everything that was his or he got her. I did that instantly so I wouldn't be set back later on, others have waited months to do it and then complain it sets them back so easier to do now.

 

Doesn't need to remove him on social media ( how else will she post attractive pictures when she's over him and make him regret it ) but maybe get her password and unfollow him and anyone who might post a pic of him for her?

[ginaloribic]

You seem like an awesome friend to have BlueEternity. Giving some very sound advice. It is a pity you both live so far apart, although I'm sure what you are currently doing is a massive help to her.

 

I tried to do the unfriend thing with my ex on Facebook, but latterly found myself checking her and her friends/relatives pages out when feeling down, So I've went full on delete them all as friends and also deactivated Facebook for a while.

[sicx]

As everyone said, you sound like a great friend, I think you're doing as much as you possibly can.

Does she have parents / family she can talk to daily about whats shes going though? I'm going through the same thing right now and have really low points where speaking to my parents REALLY helps.

Usually it's not advice people seek in a breakup, its purely someone there to listen to how they feel. Often people know they shouldn't have contact, should try to keep active, not over think etc. but this is all SO SO SO hard to do when all you can think about is that person & how they're doing, trust me. I'm sure you're doing it already but just be there to listen to how she feels, don't always assume she'll want advice. Just say there's thousands of people going through the same thing right now, and as much as that wont help her much either, it's sometimes nice to hear (I'm one of them by the way and yeah, i'm struggling)

 

Tell her not to check social media ! that is one that we all do a few times sadly but if she can be strong enough to avoid that it's a great step

 

Yikes, she basically lives on social media. She's been posting sad/introspective songs and quotes left and right all week, and she still has a picture of the two of them as her profile.

Also this a big one, if shes still in contact tell him to block her on all social media, that way there's no checking up, no reminders. If shes not, make sure she blocks him. I know 1000000% this is hard, god I know, but it must be done. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, especially if the ex is not showing they're having a hard time.

Deffo tell her to remove the profile pic of the two of them, this is a constant reminder.

 

I cant stress enough how easier said than done a lot of this is, like i said the only solace she may find is the fact many many many other people are going though the same thing right now and are also struggling like hell.