How do I not be so stubborn in my relationship?

[JayH]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. Whenever we get into fights I'm the type of person that when I get mad I don't care about the other person's feelings or every care what they have to say cause I think I'm right. I love my boyfriend to death and I don't want to lose him I need help with accepting my faults and be able to say I was wrong. Can anyone help me?

[Seraphim]

Can you go to a couple's communication course or couples counselling?

[Pleasedonot5]

The first step is acknowledging the problem, and it's good that you have made it that far.

 

Next, I want you to remember the next time you get into a fight - that you posted on this forum because you know you have a stubbornness problem. So red flags and alarms should go off in your head when you both begin to fight. Take a step back, breathe, and move forward with the conversation while CONSCIOUSLY remembering that you have a tendency of being stubborn, and that your stubbornness could make this disagreement go very sour.

 

Next, put yourself in his shoes. Practice empathy. Think, "why is he disagreeing with me in this given situation? Could he have a point? What would I do if I were in his shoes?"

 

Last, forget the "winning" mindset. "Winning" an argument often causes the loser to feel resentful and overpowered. You haven't really won a thing except resentment. Real "winning" is finding a middle ground, or acceptable option for both parties without hostility. Even if you persuaded him to your point of view, you don't win unless you actually hear him out and ACTUALLY consider his point of view. Who knows? Maybe you'll end up agreeing with him.

 

In summary:

 

1. Acknowledge your "having to win" problem

2. CONSCIOUSLY remember that you have a "winning" problem when you next have a fight

3. Practice empathy and listening

4. Change your goal from that of "winning" to that of coming to a mutually agreeable decision or conclusion

 

Hope this helps. Best of luck, OP.

[j.man]

What are examples of fights you've had? How often are you fighting?

[JayH]

What are examples of fights you've had? How often are you fighting?

 

Like every other month we have a big fight

[j.man]

Like every other month we have a big fight

Well that's not good. What over?

[JayH]

Well that's not good. What over?

 

Literally over small things. He is very anger prone so little things piss him off, and if I go back at it with him he gets angrier and then I get upset and we start going back in forth

[yatsue]

Literally over small things. He is very anger prone so little things piss him off, and if I go back at it with him he gets angrier and then I get upset and we start going back in forth

 

Perhaps if you elaborate on a couple of examples of these "small things" that start fights we may be able to identify some kind of pattern and help you with it. It is hard to see outside of your own view and sometimes we need an unbiased opinion.