Surgery relationship and breakup -- completely heartbroken, devastated

[jonasmiller]

Hi everyone. I'm writing here because I've been through a breakup that's been very hard on me, and the people around me really don't know what to say to me, so I thought I'd post here to see what people who are going through the same thing have to say.

 

So, the story:

Four months ago I had open heart surgery to repair an aneurysm. It was a difficult recovery, even though I'm relatively young (36). A few weeks after the surgery I got a message from a guy I'd talked to online a few times (I'm a guy and date mostly other guys). He said he wanted to meet me but that his car was in the shop. The doctors had cleared me to drive so I said I'd come pick him up and bring him to my house. We hit it off right away. I wasn't completely healed, but he was nice and slow and got me moving around again. The fact that he was larger than me was also very reassuring, since I was in a lot of pain and weaker than usual, and he was very understanding about it.

 

He runs an online comic book shop, and I offered to drive him around while his car was being worked on, since I work from home and can set my own hours. He was also very supportive of showing me how to open an online store for myself, since I need extra money and I had a bunch of stuff around the house. I drove him places while he showed me how to find inventory for our stores. Then we went camping one weekend and everything became so permanent so fast. After camping he practically moved in -- he was staying at my house and had a bunch of his stuff over here. He even brought some of his inventory over here to categorize and sort. He was here 5-6 nights a week.

 

We spent the next three months cooking for each other and taking care of each other. We were in constant communication with each other. We took many trips together to get inventories for our stores. He proposed moving all his stuff into my house, and even merging our stores. It was amazing. There were problems that frustrated me and which I overlooked because of how much I liked him, like how he contradicted himself all the time about the absolute right course of action when it came to running the store. But I was recovering and the fact that he was there was enough.

 

Well, two weeks ago he took me on a trip to buy some comic collections like he'd done before. He seemed annoyed, and was much less willing to share in the comic collections he'd found than before -- he even cut me out of the first one we went to see entirely. He started grumbling to himself about how he usually gets finders fees for finding comics for other people, so I told him that I didn't need to go in half with him if he wanted the comics all for himself. We drove home in silence, and he almost left that night because he said I was mad at him and he didn't know why.

 

I was frustrated, and asked if we could talk in the morning, but he had to leave early. When he left, he told me, "Have fun, make art," because I was drawing a picture. Now, this might seem petty, but when he first came to my house, he asked me to not tell him what to do. He said it more than once, and I'd met people who've asked that of me before, so I modified how I talked to him and said things like "I hope you have a good day" instead of "have a good day". But I guess because I was frustrated, I messaged him when he left to extend me the same favor, to not tell me what to do. It seems so petty and stupid, but he broke up with me for it that night. He told me he'd never tell me to not tell him what to do, when I remember very well that he did more than once. And not only that, he cut off all communication with me after telling me that I need bipolar meds, which he told me he stopped taking a few weeks after he started seeing me because I made him happy enough to not have to take it.

 

Now, I realize it's not entirely my fault because he did refuse to talk about things -- he simply refused to talk with me, got his stuff and left. Maybe he needs to be back on his meds -- I don't know. But I feel like I could've done something to make him stay. He emailed me once last week and I got very excited because I miss him so much, but he told me it was a mistake. I got angry because it seemed cruel to get my hopes up and sent him a ton of messages, and he told me I was bugging him. I stopped, but a few days later I unfriended him on facebook and blocked him to keep myself from getting any more false hope. Then he blocked me the next day, which was terrible because it meant that he was checking on me, but wasn't talking to me. It was heartache all over again.

 

Keep in mind we were in literally constant communication for a few months. We even messaged each other all the time when we were apart, so his absence has hurt me a lot. He got me through my recovery when no one I actually knew came to help me, but he also came to me at a very vulnerable time, got me to fill my house with tons of used merchandise to sell and then literally disappeared off the face of the planet and won't answer my messages. My friends don't seem to know what to say to me, so I thought I'd post here.

 

It's been two weeks, but this guy was my rock after surgery. We were living together, really *living* together, and I got to the point where I really believed it when he said we'd be together forever, maybe mostly because I was weak after the surgery. He was bigger than me, made me feel protected, promised me a partnership like I'd never had before yet I'd always dreamed of, then got me to find a ton of second-hand goods and to sell them slowly online. Then he dumped me like I meant absolutely nothing to him. But I loved him so much so fast, and now he's completely gone, complete radio silence. I loved him so much. I'm so depressed about it. I cry sometimes -- I cry a lot sometimes. I didn't cry before him. I want him back more than anything I've ever wanted in my life, despite his flaws. I know he wasn't perfect, but I loved him so much. How do I cope? How do I get past this? I need your help, honestly. Thank you.

[DanZee]

Who knows? Maybe a friend of his told him he was crazy to have moved in with a complete stranger with health problems. It sounds like he was a guardian angel who arrived at just the right time to help you and then moved along. I know it's tough to lose a friend you were so close to, but he's cut you off and there's nothing you can do. In fact, it sounded like he became an enemy. You've got to move on and be careful if you run into him online or in person again.

[limichelle]

This reminds me of a lyric in a new Gwenyth Paltrow song "Make me like you." I think this might help in some way. Now I know your story isn't what her song is about but this line fits perfectly for my advice.

 

"I was fine before I met you, broken but free."

 

When I was broken up with by email after being with the guy for a decade. It took time for my heart to get rid of the pain. I made the mistake of talking to someone long distance online a month after. Granted he was someone who kept me from feeling lonely. I just used this false hope that I used to feel with my ex and put it in the new guy. I was blinded by the fact the new guy was verbally abusive and short tempered. So I would have been better off being broken but free.

 

Not saying you are going to rush into meeting someone else. Just letting you know that part about being free can be so liberating once you really take it in.

 

Think about this, you get to do you now, where you don't have to answer to anybody or walk on glass to avoid arguments.

You can run things the way you like them. You can draw as much as you want. Sure it will feel lonely because he was a constant presence. Just remind yourself he was a lesson to be learned.

 

That you when you are ready to love again. You know the red flags of what you won't accept already so you can apply that when you are dating.

 

This guy wasn't it or the last guy for you.

 

Just like he came into your life unexpectedly someone else will do the same.

 

Except that person will be better suited.

 

Keep your chin up. It's not the end of your story it's just now onto a new chapter.

 

Lisa

[Kaykayxo]

Well the fact that he was not on his medication for a mental illness could have a lot to do with his erratic behavior, I'd say. He is probably best staying on them and seems like he has severe mood swings etc. I understand it is hard to accept the split because things got intense so fast and he was there for you in a tender moment, but sometimes things that move fast crash even faster. While it may hurt now, you will most likely be able to move on faster as well due to the nature of it being a shorter lived relationship. You will find the right person who does not abandon you or turn on you over something stupid. True love endures, always. Not everything is meant to be. If I were you I would just cut my losses and realize he probably isn't the completely normal sane person he presented himself to be for that duration. A lot of men can put on a show for a couple of months and then revert to their "true selves".

 

As for coping mechanisms, it is nautral to mourn the loss of a close relationship and some nights may be lonlier than others. The best thing you can do is spend time with friends and family and evantually get back on the dating scene. Take care of yourself and try to enjoy your life as much as possible. It is okay to have sad days but crucial that you stay true to yourself and don't lose yourself in a man.