SGHB Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 My girlfriend dumped me. We dated for two years - I'm 38 and she's 25. I got caught on a dating website and texting a girl from the site. I had no intentions of ever meeting anyone in person. In fact I never spoke to anyone on the phone. The woman I was texting with decided to check out social media and messaged my girlfriend about our conversations. My girlfriend broke up with me and hasn't spoke to me for two weeks. We text daily and often but she won't speak to me. I felt lonely and bored. It's a long distance relationship and I just wanted an escape to chat with someone new. I know this is awful and wrong. My girlfriend is back home at a wedding this weekend. I'm still friends with her friends on social media. I've never actually met this friend but somehow we are friends online. Would it be a bad move to message this friend and ask her to talk to my girlfriend on my behalf? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 yes. keep your relationship business private. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomthumb88 Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Don't do it! It will be counterproductive, particularly since you don't actually know her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 YOU HAVE TO REALISTICALLY OOPS SORRY SHOUTING .... yeah you need to look at the root of why you did what you did rather then a solution now she has found out . You got bored and lonely and wanted the attention of another woman , that should tell you this LD relationship isn't right for you . If she hadn't of found out you would probably still be chatting to this other women . So before you go to great lengths to get her back you need to be honest with yourself . I wouldn't approach her friend ..what could she say , she hasn't even met you , it will put her on the spot and I doubt she will have that much empathy for you . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Ahhh I just read back , look mate you have done everything now .. I replied to a thread when you where going to drive to her , you have done everything .....and this is just one more route in that will slap you in the face , you have to stop . You also need to tell her to stop texting you , I don't get why she is still engaging you in this way . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanZee Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Wow. That was a pretty rotten thing to do, to turn you in to your girlfriend. I guess that woman was cheated on in the past and she felt she should inform your gf about it. Some time ago, we had a local DJ who hosted a radio dating show and he found through the ratings that a lot of his listeners were married folks. I think that's carried over to dating sites. I don't know what the attraction is, maybe we all get nostalgic for our dating days. In any event, 25 is too young for you. Girls that age are still immature and very emotional. Of course, that's all quite nice when they're in love with you, but she's not going to understand if you even look at another girl. I think you have to stop texting her and let her be on her way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Do not involve anyone else in this. It's just not appropriate and will only annoy and embarrass her, in addition to making you look desperate. Anyway, do you really believe her friend will have any sympathy for you and act on your behalf, after what you did? Especially a friend you have never even met? I assume you don't want to make yourself look like a complete creep, so please do not go messaging people you don't know about her private business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SGHB Posted August 26, 2017 Author Share Posted August 26, 2017 you have to stop . You also need to tell her to stop texting you , I don't get why she is still engaging you in this way . I know I'm being neurotic. I just want my girl back. I honestly stopped texting with this other woman on my own weeks before she reached out to my girlfriend. I know I was selfish, an assh*le and will get no sympathy but I do really want her in my life. My fear is she texts me wanting just a friend or a crutch to find the next guy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I know I'm being neurotic. I just want my girl back. I honestly stopped texting with this other woman on my own weeks before she reached out to my girlfriend. I know I was selfish, an assh*le and will get no sympathy but I do really want her in my life. My fear is she texts me wanting just a friend or a crutch to find the next guy... I really don't believe that's her motivation at all. She is texting you because until very recently, you were her boyfriend and her closest companion. It's hard to suddenly be confronted with a betrayal and she is very likely extremely confused about how she feels towards you now. Cutting someone off completely is difficult when the pain came so suddenly, so she's probably going back and forth in her mind trying to process this. Her behaviour is a response to pain and confusion, not malicious intention. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy123 Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Just give her space but be available to talk when she wants to let her initiate. She will get annoyed if you keep trying to talk when she doesn't want to or if you try to get to her through her friends. Just give space and maybe she will come around and give you another chance. If you have apologized and said you want another chance that's all you can really do. If she has firmly said it's over and no chance of getting back together you have to accept it and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I know I'm being neurotic. I just want my girl back. I honestly stopped texting with this other woman on my own weeks before she reached out to my girlfriend. I know I was selfish, an assh*le and will get no sympathy but I do really want her in my life. My fear is she texts me wanting just a friend or a crutch to find the next guy... I know darling ...I did too .. I joined here 3 days before Christmas and thought my world had ended .. It was my worst break up ever and it actually took me years to recover , and not helping is mine did contact me again , then dropped me again ...In your own time you will start to find some acceptance , you really will . she is no doubt just texting you as a friend I agree ...so don't let her ... be strong , you call the shots FOR YOU , staying friends wont get her back you know , it just draws it out for longer . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy123 Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I would tell her it's too painful to be her friend right now and if that's all she wants it will be better to have some space for a few months at least Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy123 Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 By the way imo what you did wasn't the worst thing. My ex did same and I forgave him pretty easily. It's possible there's other reasons for the bu so don't beat up on yourself too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SGHB Posted August 26, 2017 Author Share Posted August 26, 2017 By the way imo what you did wasn't the worst thing. My ex did same and I forgave him pretty easily. It's possible there's other reasons for the bu so don't beat up on yourself too much. I appreciate the feedback. I know I betrayed her trust but for whatever reason I keep thinking there is something deeper at work here. I would hope that if you love someone you can learn to forgive and forget with time over something this minor. I don't know. Easy for me to say I guess but still makes me believe if she was THAT into me this would be a much more difficult decision to make... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I appreciate the feedback. I know I betrayed her trust but for whatever reason I keep thinking there is something deeper at work here. I would hope that if you love someone you can learn to forgive and forget with time over something this minor. I don't know. Easy for me to say I guess but still makes me believe if she was THAT into me this would be a much more difficult decision to make... Whatever is going on with her, respecting someone else's boundaries is always best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy123 Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I think if you really love someone and want to spend your life with them you wouldn't break up for something like that. I would have went to therapy and talked it through but maybe that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yatsue Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Wow. That was a pretty rotten thing to do, to turn you in to your girlfriend. I guess that woman was cheated on in the past and she felt she should inform your gf about it. Some time ago, we had a local DJ who hosted a radio dating show and he found through the ratings that a lot of his listeners were married folks. I think that's carried over to dating sites. I don't know what the attraction is, maybe we all get nostalgic for our dating days. In any event, 25 is too young for you. Girls that age are still immature and very emotional. Of course, that's all quite nice when they're in love with you, but she's not going to understand if you even look at another girl. I think you have to stop texting her and let her be on her way. It was a great thing what the woman he was emotionally cheating on his gf with did. I definitely would want to know if my bf was doing this behind my back. There was no context mentioned, but the messages between them must not have been good since she decided to break up with him over them after they were disclosed. This was never platonic. I commend the woman for letting his gf know so she could stop wasting her time with someone who needed to entertain other women's attention. Are you confused they met from a dating site? You don't find friendship there...especially if the person you're talking to finds out she has been talking with someone who has a gf and feels that the context of their messages are inappropriate enough to be compelled to let his gf know about them. Does that spell out platonic friendship? While around 25 is young, she did the right thing to think better of herself and say she doesn't need someone like this. Although, she needs to stop texting and attaching herself to him so much after the breakup, but IMO the guy is more immature. Anyone would be really hurt after finding out their SO was texting little lovlies with another and won't always cope well. I don't really blame her, though it needs to end. We all look and admire other attractive people in a relationship, but it is not right to entertain others if you've agreed to monogamously commit to one person. It's nothing new about how many people want to cheat, however it doesn't make it right even though it is prominent. OP, you need to leave this poor woman alone. Not only will this friend be unsympathetic towards your story, but what decent person would hurt their friend more by telling them that their unfaithful bf wanted to feeling-vent? Unless you plan to fib or not explain your story? Don't do it. It won't do any good for either of you. Let it go. Learn from this experience and treat the next one you meet better. We all make mistakes, although it would be a real tragedy if we don't learn from them at least. What exactly did you say to this other woman? She felt it was inappropriate enough to tell your gf (apparently so did your gf), so do you not think it was? Did you say anything flirty, anything about your feelings towards this other woman (if applicable), make her feel led on, or make her believe this was anything besides completely platonic friendship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giblesp Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 In any event, 25 is too young for you. Girls that age are still immature and very emotional. Of course, that's all quite nice when they're in love with you, but she's not going to understand if you even look at another girl. I think you have to stop texting her and let her be on her way. Disagree with that, you'll get 21 year olds who are emotionally developed and 45 year olds who are worse than children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 Would it be a bad move to message this friend and ask her to talk to my girlfriend on my behalf? Yes, it would be an incredibly bad move. It is totally inappropriate (imo). Don't ever get other people involved in your private affairs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 It was a great thing what the woman he was emotionally cheating on his gf with did. I definitely would want to know if my bf was doing this behind my back. There was no context mentioned, but the messages between them must not have been good since she decided to break up with him over them after they were disclosed. This was never platonic. I commend the woman for letting his gf know so she could stop wasting her time with someone who needed to entertain other women's attention. I totally agree. Apparently the OP went to the dating site, opened an account looking for attention and was flirting and sending sexual text messages to another woman. Clearly the sexual text messages were sleazy enough for his girlfriend to break up with him- rightly so. If my partner did this behind my back I would definitely want to know about it. Quite frankly, if I found out he did this I would pack his bags and show him the door because I could never trust him and without trust, you have nothing. It makes her wonder what else he gets up to (again, rightly so). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 I think if you really love someone and want to spend your life with them you wouldn't break up for something like that. I would have went to therapy and talked it through but maybe that's just me. If you really love someone, you wouldn't be signing up for dating sites and talking inappropriately with other women to begin with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SGHB Posted August 27, 2017 Author Share Posted August 27, 2017 Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate the support from those of you who see the world as complicated and not just black or white. I'm a good guy who screwed up. It doesn't mean I'm evil or have bad intentions. It means I'm human and capable of error. I love my girlfriend and I want to believe she loves me too. I've decided to go no contact from her in hopes that she calms down and wants to work on things. Last night was hard because she was screaming at me via text and accusing me of being on a date. I refused to respond and want her to realize she does in fact miss me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 She could miss the relationship but still not want to get back together. It wasn't an "error". You didn't accidentally sign up for a dating site and accidentally send messages to another woman. It was done deliberately. I can't imagine what sort of good intentions you might have had when you did this. You can learn from this, of course. When you truly love someone, signing up for a dating site and sending inappropriate messages isn't something that is going to enhance the relationship. You'll know for your next relationship that betraying trust is a sure relationship killer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziggy123 Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 I actually have kind of a different point of view based on my experience and research and books I have read and my counsellors. I think sometimes cheating has nothing to do with love. Meaning that many people do in fact love their partners and still cheat for other reasons (usually unmet needs or intoxication). In fact that may be the reason they don't just break up- because they do love that person and want to be with them but the unmet need becomes too much and they end up making a poor decision. Obviously this isn't the case for everyone and some people just don't have a heart, but maybe in a situation such as this that's what happened. Maybe op does love his ex but he was having some unmet needs and wondering maybe is there someone out there who is a better match for me? And took a look. But this happening made op realise they don't want to lose the ex. Just my 2 cents you don't have to agree with me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted August 27, 2017 Share Posted August 27, 2017 That may be true for you, but the OP's ex apparently saw him signing up for a dating site and messaging another woman as a betrayal. As I would. And if someone is in a relationship with me but is wondering if someone else might be a better match, they have no business trying to be in a relationship with me. Let them be single and explore all they want. I'm not going to sit there waiting while the other person explores and wonders and messages other women, hoping he chooses me. Just nope. Instead of signing up for a dating site, how about expressing "unmet needs" to the loved partner? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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