How do I get him back after being clingy

[Nat956]

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 3 days ago. He says that he has been unhappy for a few months now and the only reason he didn't break up before now is because I wanted him to stay so bad. The first year of our relationship was SO amazing, everything was perfect. But then he went off to university 100 miles away which meant we could only see each other on the weekend. It was okay at the start but I went down hill, I quit my job and became SO dependant on him that I was being incredibly controlling and I wanted to know every single detail of his life. I spent my days looking forward to the weekend and in the week I'd focus all of my time on what he was doing. It was crazy, I was crazy. I tried to stop him from doing anything with anyone other than me and stupidly he actually let me control him because he loved me so much. But things didn't really get bad until he came back for summer break a few months ago. Before then he was fine with me, he knew I was struggling with my life. But when he came home he started to distance himself emotionally, we still spent every waking moment together (which was so bad of us to do) other than when he was working. We were arguing all of the time about the most stupid things, and it was always me who started the arguments. I was making his life a misery, he tried to break up with me multiple times but I always convinced him to give me another chance. But this time he was certain that he was going to end it and he did. I begged for him back (bad move I know) and of course he stuck with his decision.

I didn't realise how crazy and awful I was being to him, he was always the perfect boyfriend and tried his best for me but I've ruined it.

He has still been texting me as friends ever since and we are meeting up in 2 days because he doesn't want me to handle this alone (as my only proper friend is over seas right now)

Since the break up I've actually had a job offer and I'm currently sorting out getting much needed therapy! But I want him back, I want to see if he will try again but not like before, I want to talk a little less, see eachother less and have more time to ourselves/with friends and family. I honestly believe that I can completely change the way I treat him, I've never been more motivated, not just for him but for myself

Any advice

[Jibralta]

Nat956, it takes two to tango. It sounds like he enabled your behavior (and is still doing so by not breaking contact with you). Some people are dysfunctional as a couple, and BOTH people need to change if that is to be fixed. It seems like summer break was a turning point for him. It's possible that he met someone else. Whatever the case, if YOU are not happy with the way that you are behaving, then it's probably a good idea for you to move on from this relationship. Free yourself to find someone that you like and respect, who won't put up with your crap. YOU need to do the separating though, because he's the 'care-taker' type who will draw you back in.

[Nat956]

He's not met someone else, I'm 99% sure of this as he told me the reason he doesn't want to be with me is because he wants to be single for a while and doesn't want any kind of relationship with any other girls, he's also not telling anyone about our break up for a week or two! I do want to change for myself but I want him back more than anything, he's amazing.

[j.man]

I think it's a bit counter-productive if you want to prove to him you're independent but are leaning on him to cope with the breakup.

[Andrina]

As you now see, making anyone the sole center of your universe/happiness is not healthy and it's smothering. Vow to never let that happen again. Concentrate on your career, make new friends and keep them by not ignoring them when you eventually get a new man. Get a hobby/interest that you stick with even when in a relationship. You are a far more interesting and desirable person when you have an independent life besides having a man.

 

He was too soft hearted to end things earlier, even though he wanted to. He thinks staying friends is being kind. Doing that will keep you hoping for reconciliation and keep you from closure. Most on again, off again relationships don't work out.

 

Many people have several relationships in their young years as they garner life experience. Take this as one experience you learned from, and your next relationship will be better because of you've experienced.

[MissCanuck]

He really should not be the one you're turning to in order to cope with the break-up. You are going to need to find a different support system, completely independent of him.

 

It's impossible to say now if he will come back, but if you want even a sliver of a chance, you very much need to take real time and space away from each other. Work on yourself, for yourself. The dynamic between you two now is dysfunctional and toxic and that will need time to settle.

[Jibralta]

He's not met someone else, I'm 99% sure of this as he told me the reason he doesn't want to be with me is because he wants to be single for a while and doesn't want any kind of relationship with any other girls, he's also not telling anyone about our break up for a week or two! I do want to change for myself but I want him back more than anything, he's amazing.

 

People rarely admit when they find a new person (or have cheated) because they don't want to look like a giant douche. Usually, it shows through a behavior change. Even if he didn't cheat, he may just want to date other people. Like any codependent, your ex got some benefit out of your needy behavior. Maybe it made him feel strong and in charge. Who knows. But most likely, it's his natural preference to have a 'needy' partner, just as it's your preference to cling. So changing yourself wouldn't fix things anyhow.

[catfeeder]

I think it's a bit counter-productive if you want to prove to him you're independent but are leaning on him to cope with the breakup.

 

Yep, this makes no sense. The kindest thing your ex could do is walk away cleanly so you can learn to cope with your own life solo. That's the only way to become a good partner for anyone else. Anything short of that would just keep you both stuck in misery, and you never get any wasted youth back again for do-overs.

 

Skip guys for now, work your therapy, maybe go back to school, and you'll gain a whole different perspective on this down the road. You'll thank yourself later for letting go of the guy today.