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Is my bf emotionally abusive or am I over sensitive?


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It's got to the stage now where I'm having to post on a forum for advice from complete strangers because I can't think or see clearly anymore! Please can someone help me...


I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We met online and instantly hit it off.


He was not my traditional type and I was not his but I believe we had something deeper than just the physical side of stuff so it worked.


He was charming and attentive at first, this is where I'm confused. He was loving and affectionate and I really felt happy...however he was always a bit hot headed from day one but I didn't have any clue about his level of anger, or his sharp tongue.


It revealed itself slowly. I don't want this to turn into war and peace so I'm a nutshell...you know when you have an argument with someone and there's always an exchange of things you wouldn't normally say unless you were angry...he's that person who in an argument will always "out do" you by bringing up that one thing you shouldn't say, and using it against you. He is EVIL with his words...that is the only way I can describe it. Just absolutely evil. Calls me every name under the sun, says horrible things to intentionally hurt me etc...


Anyway we lived together for 2 and a half years where I put up with his screaming fits at me for not doing his washing amongst other things I did constantly wrong...apparently I deserved to be screamed at because I offered to do it then didn't do it because I am lazy...and in my head I think well maybe he is right? But then I look at my parents & friends relationships and none of their husbands/boyfriends scream at them or speak to them with such cruelty as my boyfriend does...

I felt so alone when we lived together, I spent so many days crying my heart out because his constant criticisms and getting at me really made me feel worthless...we now don't live together due to circumstances outside our control but our current 'status' is that we are saving for a house


He is ALWAYS criticising me and putting me down. It was my birthday the other day and I asked him to be nice to me for just one day...he couldn't manage one single day he made me cry on my birthday.

He never wants to spend any time with me. He never wants to spend time with me or do anything with me unless it involves doing something he wants. There's no compromise in him. His attitude is that even if something will make me happy, if he doesn't want to do it then he doesn't have to. I have to attend friends weddings by myself, family functions etc.


I'm also not allowed to be vulnerable or down. He doesn't allow me to be sad, it isn't worth the criticism if I were to say I wasn't having a good day. I have to be switched on all the time. I suffer badly from panic attacks but he tells me to get over it, he doesn't think they're a real thing...


His thing at the moment is my weight. I have put some weight on which I'm trying to lose, I'm dieting and going to the gym...but he's given me a deadline saying that if I haven't got below 9 stone by January he's going to leave me...and he shouldn't be made to feel guilty because he doesn't find me attractive.


He is allowed to find my weight gain unattractive but he never supports or encourages me. It's always criticism...nothing's ever good enough. He sits on his ass all week and criticises me for skipping the gym for one night because I'm not well?! I ask him to come for walks or hikes with me to help my weight loss...he says no...


There's a a complete lack of intamcy in our relationship and there has been for quite some time but how does he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he's told me he doesn't find me or my body attractive?


He very rarely does anything kind or thoughtful for me. I do everything for him, cook clean take care of him etc. I was rolling over in period pain the other day and asked him could he get me some painkillers from the other room...he said no I should have got them before I came to bed and to stop being lazy??.?


Is it me :shock: why can't I leave this man....and if I'm that bad why doesn't he just leave me


I feel so trapped. I love him and have loved him for 5 years. I feel like I've invested so much of my time and energy into this relationship to just throw the towel in.


But the hurt gets worse and worse every day, and I'm so terrified of him leaving me that I just stay and desperately clutch on to whatever scraps he gives me


Please help me I'm so lost

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Yes, he is emotionally and verbally abusive.


Don't waste another 5 years on him. This isn't love and buying a house together will be one of your biggest regrets in life, if you go through with it.


Your future self will thank you one day. She will then turn to the loving, supportive, respectful man next to her and wonder why she didn't lose his abusive predecessor sooner!

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Yes he is abusing you. He has been abusing you deliberately and systematically for the past 5 years in a pretty severe manner.


This is not going to get better for you. Your fear of leaving him sounds like Stockholm Syndrome - the bond, love and fear of losing him that you feel is actually a psychological self defense and survival mechanism. Although most people understand Stockhom Syndrome as in captor/hostage situation, it manifests itself quite often in victims of abuse. In order to gain your sanity back you absolutely MUST leave him and you would be wise to get some counseling and support for yourself with that.

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People who are abusive can be very charming at first. Everyone puts their best foot forward whether they are abusive or not -- but like you say -- little by little all is revealed. I think that you should do what you can to leave before you are even more beaten down. Emotional abuse leads to other abuse - ecomonic, spiritual, punishing you with lack of physical touch, etc.


The reason why you are stuck is your are doubting yourself and believing his narrative that you are worthless, unattractive, lazy and awful - not because you "love the abuse" -- can you leave? is your name on the lease? Can you go stay with your parents or a friend? Even if not permanently, but for a few days as a start?

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You are not overly sensitive. This guy is an abusive sociopath. He lured you in with charm and a smile and has been systematically breaking you down for 5 years. It's good that you aren't living together any more, don't ever live with him again.


I suggest you contact a domestic abuse hotline asap and work with them to develop an exist strategy because as much as he says he is going to leave you because of your weight or any other reason, he's not going to let you walk away that easily. He has you broken and he wants to keep you that way so you can be his punching bag. For now it's just verbal but it takes very little to escalate to physical. You also need to talk to your family and tell them you need their help to keep him away from you. Once you have your exit strategy you should tell him it's over via email, text, or phone and then disconnect completely from him. Delete him, block him, and make sure everyone in your life knows that you want NO CONTACT! with this guy.


You also should seek out a restraining order and therapy to work past the abuse you've been undergoing.


Ask yourself why do you love this guy?


You say "I love him" but why? He isn't kind, he isn't loving, he isn't supportive. Why would you give your love to someone like that? Why would you want to love someone like that? And I think the biggest thing here is that you need to accept that he doesn't love you. Even if he said he loved you 100 times a day his actions speak louder than words. He's using you and taking pleasure in your pain. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and can return the love you have to give. At this point you would be better off alone and if you need companionship, get a dog. All the affection receive in a cuddly fun package with no strings attached.


Good luck!

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As I was reading your thread, the entire time I thought I was reading a story about my relationship with my now ex. I don't know where to start honestly, other than the fact how I feel as if we were dating the same person and how I can't believe how much I relate to this. I know that feeling full on, you're definitely NOT sensitive he's the one with the issue. Believe me when I say this, I say this because I've been through a similar situation as yourself as well. You're very well allowed to be sad, vulnerable, upset, hurt. angry especially since he's the one causing you to feel these things. You have the right, now I'm not trying to be mean or anything. It's just that I feel strongly about this, and about injustice in general because I would never believe the day would come that someone else was experiencing what I was. The same thing, the same situation.. this all feels to similar, that's the scary part. I still suffer from the effects to this day, even after the breakup. I will say this though, I know how it's easier said than done. because I personally struggled doing it myself. I know how most people would tell you to leave him, however I understand how it's conflicting since in a way you want to run away as far as possible, but at the same time you want to stay and love him hugging him hoping this is all a nightmare that will go away. As soon as you open your eyes, I would definitely entertain the idea on cutting the cord. before it escalates to something much more serious, to answer your original question no you aren't sensitive or aren't "overthinking it" as they would say. You deserve better, from what you're telling us you're an amazing girlfriend. You deserve much better, much better.. I'm not sure, if you can message on here or not. If so, if you wanted we could discuss more about if you wanted I feel as if we have allot in common. I wish you the best luck, best regards. Stay strong!

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