Reactions...

[deedee911]

My boyfriend of 8 months out of the blue told me yesterday he wants to apply for the police force in the city he is from. He moved to my city to be with me and has a job in a totally unrelated field. He said "I'm going to apply for the police force in October. I am going to do it" and said it with conviction. I got upset as it was a total shock and a random thing he said. I got upset and he got mad at my reaction.

 

Here's some background. I am someone who does react at things that trigger me which he has expressed he doesn't like. He doesn't like my anger too. I've expressed to him that I'm stressed out from my job usually and suffer from anxiety. I explained to him what my challenges are and told him the importance of making me feel included with his plans big or small as I want to feel like I am part of his life. I've told him this several times and he still got mad at my reaction. He didn't say sorry for saying something that was clearly a shock to me! He said he needs time and is tired of us arguing. I feel like he doesn't see his part and how he upset me. Am I in the wrong for reacting to what he said?

[MissCanuck]

What was your reaction, exactly? You're not wrong to feel a certain way, but I think we need more context to understand specifically how you responded when he told you this. I can understand you want to feel included in his life and were surprised to hear he plans to move away.

 

However, it very much sounds like he is on his way out of your relationship. 8 months is too soon to already be arguing a lot, and if you have anger issues, he is also right to be frustrated with you. My guess is that a break-up is coming, I'm afraid.

[pippy longstocking]

My reaction to things is in the extreme because I have being diagnosed with several mental health issues and how things affect me is all part of my makeup in the world of mental health . That doesn't make it acceptable though and you have to accept that , just as I do . You wouldn't want to see me kick off in real life , I disassociate and can't find the off button at all . So you need to work on this before you get to my level of crazy .

 

What I am being taught to do is look at it from the other persons perspective first to try and slow down my own eruption and reason with whatever is being said .

 

So in your case he told you he was applying to the police in his own city ... you said he said it with conviction and right out the blue ....I am sorry to say I suspect he delivered it like that and said it with conviction because he knew what he was in for when he brought it up and decided to just go for gold and blurt it out .

 

Your anger and stress can never be an excuse to blow your top , you have to learn to control yourself , the people around you are not responsible for making sure you are not triggered to a degree , obviously people around you need the facts and I applaud you for getting it out there and explaining how you can get ...but you still have to gain some control .

 

You want him to see how it upset you , he knows already , he knew when he was telling you you would be upset ..anyone would be if their partner decided to move cities away from you .. so stop concentrating on how upset you are , or how he delivered it and concentrate on how you both move forward now you have this news.

 

For the record , I do think he could have done it a little bit kinder . I feel like I have put all this on you ... he was a bit of an ass

[Hell_On_Heels]

Anyone would react to being told their BF or GF is moving away. It's hard to be happy for their opportunities when you're wondering what it means for your relationship.

 

I had to have the same conversation recently. It wasn't easy. I finally just forced my way through it, just to get it done. I said, "I have a great opportunity in xyz. Would you be willing to relocate to xyz?" I was pretty nervous, not knowing how he'd react, or if we'd break up for my career. He looked at me for a long few minutes, and then said he'd move - but we have to get snowmobiles. (The city is up north.) He is able to live anywhere without affecting his career, as he travels for a living. I know that, and it was still tough to make my announcement.

 

I wonder if it was difficult for your BF to put his career/move out there, too. Has he talked about what he wants in terms of your relationship? Has he asked you to move?

 

One thing is clear - if your job is causing all kinds of stress and anxiety, and that plays out in your personal life, it's time to make some changes. Either change your job, or change how you handle the stress. Stress really does kill, it's no joke. I've spent too much of my life letting a bad situation ruin everything - my free time, my peace of mind, my health, my previous relationships.

 

Stress and negativity alters how we see things, how we respond, and how we act. I'm on a super happy high right now, with a great new job, the move, my BF, and school. I feel like I'm finally at the point that I want to be, after years of working towards it. Certain family members have been putting their stress on me...and honestly, I feel resentful. Super happy highs don't last forever, and I want to enjoy every moment of it. I've had to draw boundaries, and hang up the phone, disengage, etc when they throw their dark clouds in my rainbow space. I do it lovingly, but firmly. I've had 40 years of practice...

 

I say this because I wonder if your BF was feeling the same, and wasn't sure how to handle it?

[j.man]

As others have stated, it's fine to have emotions, but you're responsible for your reactions. Doesn't matter if you're stressed from work. Just because you offer a disclaimer doesn't make it OK. Like MissCanuck, I'd want to know more precise details as to what your anger and "reacting to things that trigger you" mean.

[itsallgrand]

I think you are missing the forest for the trees. He's clearly unhappy. He's told you why. It appears you do not intend to make any changes, and instead have excuses for your behaviour. It is not reasonable to expect a partner to walk on eggshells around you because you get 'triggered' easily and blow off the rails. And this is coming from someone who had treatment for PTSD - I actually really dislike how casually the concept of triggers has been used in society lately to excuse any manner of not wanting to take responsibility for ones own choices. The words original meaning has become perverted in common parlance.

 

He isn't happy and he wants to pursue a dream. He moved to be with you, which was a huge change for him to make to include you in his life.

 

Clearly it isn't working out. Rather than continue to fight about how you feel you've been done wrong, maybe it's time to acknowledge what he wants.

 

I know this may come across harsh but I want you to see what I see as an outsider - you are going to lose him. Are you ok with that?

[Andrina]

First off, you shouldn't make major decisions like moving in with someone until you've known them at least a year. This ensures you're not deciding in the honeymoon stage, when you've got rose colored glasses on and don't know the reality of who a person really is until that stage has passed.

 

You say you get angry, but you don't say how that is expressed. Do you mean that you start screaming and calling him names and throwing things, or do you mean you tell him you're upset that he made a decision without having a discussion with you first.

 

A mature person who loves a partner would discuss the pros and cons of staying where they are versus moving and beginning a new career, as well as how the plans of how the relationship will be able to continue with those changes.

 

Sounds like he's exiting from your life. You can either chalk it up to moving too fast in the relationship and moving in together too quickly, or if he says you're arguing too much, either figure out if you need anger management classes and work on yourself as far as communication goes, or decide if he was at least 50 percent or more of the problem because he never really bonded with you nor acted as a team.

[Batya33]

I don't think as his girlfriend his job/career decisions are much of your business at all but his geographical location is. If he believes it's fine to tell you it's a fait accompli that he's relocating far away from you then that tells you all you need to know -he is not strongly committed to you and doesn't see strong potential for a future, sorry. When I was applying to grad school I had a fairly serious boyfriend but I was in my early 20s and we'd been exclusive under a year. I believe I told him from the get go I needed to go to the best school I got into so he knew that. At some point he gently said "if you can stay in [our city] that would be great" -I felt that was the right deference and the right tone. As it turned out the best school I got into was in our city so it was a non-issue. It would have been a huge mistake if I'd gone to a lesser school "for him". So please take that into account too but I would take his "announcement" as a red flag as far as your future. Is it possible he just cannot deal with how you act/react/behave even though he knows it's because of your mental illness? And maybe consider taking more responsibility for your behavior and choices too for future relationships.

 

Sorry this is disappointing!

[deedee911]

Thank you for your excellent points of view. I will respond to everyone separately, but for all I will say this. My reaction didn't not include any swearing, name calling or anything like that! All i said with an angry upset tone is "what do you mean" what are you talking about!?" "How can you say you are doing this in October?!" And I hung up the phone because I felt myself getting angry as this is exaxtly what I've told him I don't like! Making decisions without including me. Also, we are not living together. He has his own place out here.

[deedee911]

We've had disagreements in the past and I clearly told him the importance of how I want to feel included. So him saying this was not only a shock but a slap in the face because we've been over this again and again.

[deedee911]

What was your reaction, exactly? You're not wrong to feel a certain way, but I think we need more context to understand specifically how you responded when he told you this. I can understand you want to feel included in his life and were surprised to hear he plans to move away.

 

However, it very much sounds like he is on his way out of your relationship. 8 months is too soon to already be arguing a lot, and if you have anger issues, he is also right to be frustrated with you. My guess is that a break-up is coming, I'm afraid.

I wrote this in my reply all as it seems everyone wanted to know my reaction. There was no swearing involved it was more questions in an angry upset tone questions what he is talking about. I never swore, called him names or anything. Then I called back to talk and said I'm going to try not to get angry although I was and he started yelling at me telling me he was tired of arguing

[deedee911]

My reaction to things is in the extreme because I have being diagnosed with several mental health issues and how things affect me is all part of my makeup in the world of mental health . That doesn't make it acceptable though and you have to accept that , just as I do . You wouldn't want to see me kick off in real life , I disassociate and can't find the off button at all . So you need to work on this before you get to my level of crazy .

 

What I am being taught to do is look at it from the other persons perspective first to try and slow down my own eruption and reason with whatever is being said .

 

So in your case he told you he was applying to the police in his own city ... you said he said it with conviction and right out the blue ....I am sorry to say I suspect he delivered it like that and said it with conviction because he knew what he was in for when he brought it up and decided to just go for gold and blurt it out .

 

Your anger and stress can never be an excuse to blow your top , you have to learn to control yourself , the people around you are not responsible for making sure you are not triggered to a degree , obviously people around you need the facts and I applaud you for getting it out there and explaining how you can get ...but you still have to gain some control .

 

You want him to see how it upset you , he knows already , he knew when he was telling you you would be upset ..anyone would be if their partner decided to move cities away from you .. so stop concentrating on how upset you are , or how he delivered it and concentrate on how you both move forward now you have this news.

 

For the record , I do think he could have done it a little bit kinder . I feel like I have put all this on you ... he was a bit of an ass

I am sorry to say I suspect he delivered it like that and said it with conviction because he knew what he was in for when he brought it up and decided to just go for gold and blurt it out .

 

Completely agree! He went for the gold and almost like f it I'm going to say it to put the nail in the coffin and get closer to a breakup.

[deedee911]

Anyone would react to being told their BF or GF is moving away. It's hard to be happy for their opportunities when you're wondering what it means for your relationship.

 

I had to have the same conversation recently. It wasn't easy. I finally just forced my way through it, just to get it done. I said, "I have a great opportunity in xyz. Would you be willing to relocate to xyz?" I was pretty nervous, not knowing how he'd react, or if we'd break up for my career. He looked at me for a long few minutes, and then said he'd move - but we have to get snowmobiles. (The city is up north.) He is able to live anywhere without affecting his career, as he travels for a living. I know that, and it was still tough to make my announcement.

 

I wonder if it was difficult for your BF to put his career/move out there, too. Has he talked about what he wants in terms of your relationship? Has he asked you to move?

 

One thing is clear - if your job is causing all kinds of stress and anxiety, and that plays out in your personal life, it's time to make some changes. Either change your job, or change how you handle the stress. Stress really does kill, it's no joke. I've spent too much of my life letting a bad situation ruin everything - my free time, my peace of mind, my health, my previous relationships.

 

Stress and negativity alters how we see things, how we respond, and how we act. I'm on a super happy high right now, with a great new job, the move, my BF, and school. I feel like I'm finally at the point that I want to be, after years of working towards it. Certain family members have been putting their stress on me...and honestly, I feel resentful. Super happy highs don't last forever, and I want to enjoy every moment of it. I've had to draw boundaries, and hang up the phone, disengage, etc when they throw their dark clouds in my rainbow space. I do it lovingly, but firmly. I've had 40 years of practice...

 

I say this because I wonder if your BF was feeling the same, and wasn't sure how to handle it?

The issue for him is I didn't allow him to communicate what he wanted due to my eruption of anger at his out of the blue statement about applying in another city for the police force. After he was like I probably won't get in and this was my chance to communicate about it. I don't see how that is possible as he made a pretty bold statement and didn't say he was thinking about it how would I feel and what are my thoughts. He just blurted it out !

[deedee911]

As others have stated, it's fine to have emotions, but you're responsible for your reactions. Doesn't matter if you're stressed from work. Just because you offer a disclaimer doesn't make it OK. Like MissCanuck, I'd want to know more precise details as to what your anger and "reacting to things that trigger you" mean.

I agree. I am going to counseling and seriously committed to correcting my behavior and deal with the root of my anger. So it's not like I fly off the handle for no reason. Usually I'm composed it's just when he makes decisions without making me feel included. He's done this before from a precious post I indicated he was going back to the city he is from almost every weekend with exception to one. So it seems although he says he loves me he is trying to distance himself physically and emotionally. If he had some compassion he would understand that I'm working on my anger and not say things that trigger me like umm applying for a job in another city.

[deedee911]

As others have stated, it's fine to have emotions, but you're responsible for your reactions. Doesn't matter if you're stressed from work. Just because you offer a disclaimer doesn't make it OK. Like MissCanuck, I'd want to know more precise details as to what your anger and "reacting to things that trigger you" mean.

P.s - In reply all I explained my exact reaction.

[MissCanuck]

I think that at the end of the day, he's just not invested in this relationship the way you are.

 

Him not bothering to mention he was thinking of moving home again is evidence of that, I believe. I don't doubt that if you have anger management problems that he was hesitant to tell you anyway, but I also believe he's just not into this relationship anymore and this is going to lead to a break-up.

 

Eight months is too short to be experiencing these problems already, and him moving to your city was a big step to take in a such a young relationship. I have the impression he regrets moving, and that coupled with the relationship problems, he's on his way out.

 

I'm sorry, OP. This just doesn't look good.

 

 

EDIT: I went back and looked at your thread from last month. You dumped him in July, correct? And you since reconciled, or? It sounds like this relationship has been on rocky ground for a while.

[Batya33]

I agree. I am going to counseling and seriously committed to correcting my behavior and deal with the root of my anger. So it's not like I fly off the handle for no reason. Usually I'm composed it's just when he makes decisions without making me feel included. He's done this before from a precious post I indicated he was going back to the city he is from almost every weekend with exception to one. So it seems although he says he loves me he is trying to distance himself physically and emotionally. If he had some compassion he would understand that I'm working on my anger and not say things that trigger me like umm applying for a job in another city.

 

And if you had compassion you would know that exploding with anger at him is not ok even if you have a mental illness just because you're frustrated with something he said. That's when it's the hardest to control -I get it -and that's what you have to prepare for -just because you don't explode with anger other times basically goes out the window if you cannot be reasonably composed when it's tough to be so. When it's easy or just minor irritations, big deal. Obviously if he cursed you out and told you he never loved you and he was having sex with your best friend I get it. But if it has to do with your frustration then it's your job to control your reaction so that you express your frustration in a reasonable way.

 

It's fine to tell him you're working on your anger to get to the root of it -that tells him that you care about him and yourself. But it's understandable that he expects you to not to subject him to flying off the handle because you don't like that it seems you're more into him than he is into you. You can walk away at that moment, count to ten, whatever it takes physically so he's not subjected to it. It's toxic and bad for his health too to be in that environment.

[deedee911]

And if you had compassion you would know that exploding with anger at him is not ok even if you have a mental illness just because you're frustrated with something he said. That's when it's the hardest to control -I get it -and that's what you have to prepare for -just because you don't explode with anger other times basically goes out the window if you cannot be reasonably composed when it's tough to be so. When it's easy or just minor irritations, big deal. Obviously if he cursed you out and told you he never loved you and he was having sex with your best friend I get it. But if it has to do with your frustration then it's your job to control your reaction so that you express your frustration in a reasonable way.

 

It's fine to tell him you're working on your anger to get to the root of it -that tells him that you care about him and yourself. But it's understandable that he expects you to not to subject him to flying off the handle because you don't like that it seems you're more into him than he is into you. You can walk away at that moment, count to ten, whatever it takes physically so he's not subjected to it. It's toxic and bad for his health too to be in that environment.

Thank you. You are absolutely right. It's not an excuse for the to blow up. I should try to remain composed at all times. Or if I feel the anger coming on excuse myself to leave the room have a drink of water or just breathe. Let me ask you a question is it ever ok for someone to get upset and mad at someone else? Because people have blown up at me and I've accepted it because I did something to upset them. But according to what you say it shouldn't be OK for some to ever? Honestly, my questions may sound silly but I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father so all I ever knew was yelling and arguing. I have to seriously learn ways now as an adult.

[Batya33]

Thank you. You are absolutely right. It's not an excuse for the to blow up. I should try to remain composed at all times. Or if I feel the anger coming on excuse myself to leave the room have a drink of water or just breathe. Let me ask you a question is it ever ok for someone to get upset and mad at someone else? Because people have blown up at me and I've accepted it because I did something to upset them. But according to what you say it shouldn't be OK for some to ever? Honestly, my questions may sound silly but I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father so all I ever knew was yelling and arguing. I have to seriously learn ways now as an adult.

 

I didn't write that in the least. And I think you know that - because if you exaggerate what I wrote you can tell yourself that of course it's ok to express anger. by flying off the handle It is always ok to feel upset or mad and yes, sometimes it will involve yelling -for example, if someone startles you and you impulsively scream or if someone will not leave you alone and you have nowhere to go to be alone -you're trapped - and at some point yes you might have to get more forceful to impose boundaries.

 

But you were frustrated and stressed by what he said - - so yes, if you feel the frustration building up then you need to have tools ready at your disposal to remain reasonable in your response.

 

My child as much as I love him pushes me to the limits and pushes my buttons especially when we are in a rush to, for example, get to the school bus stop on time (and if we miss it it would be awful for my work schedule and for getting him to school on time). For example. I made the decision years ago -and reaffirmed it in the last year -that he deserves a calm environment in which to grow up - that there will be exceptions of course -but that I have to manage my reactions so that even though I'm typically stressed about getting him out the door in time (and I've decided not to wake up even earlier to have even more of a time cushion) he shouldn't be subjected to it -because - my stress is mostly irrational -we've never missed the bus, if we do it's not the end of the world, and I need to own my stress.

 

So I've come up with tools -sometimes it's self-talk, sometimes just walking away, sometimes telling him calmly that there will be consequences if he continues the behavior (meaning removal of privileges), and showing him that I am a cool, confident leader. The leader part isn't as relevant in an adult relationship but show your partner that you can stay reasonably cool and confident under pressure. That if it's just frustration you are not going to react by blowing up. That voice raising/yelling/stressful tones will be reserved for true emergencies or those startling situations where it's absolutely a reflex and everyone would know that.

 

And yes sometimes I have to work out even harder after that bus leaves, or do my breathing exercises, etc but I've accomplished my goal -a home that is reasonably calm. And my ultimate goal - to work on why those things stress me so very much and therefore in the first place I won't react that way. That takes time but during that lengthy process I will fake it till I make it. Because my marriage/son deserve it. Think about it.

[deedee911]

I didn't write that in the least. And I think you know that - because if you exaggerate what I wrote you can tell yourself that of course it's ok to express anger. by flying off the handle It is always ok to feel upset or mad and yes, sometimes it will involve yelling -for example, if someone startles you and you impulsively scream or if someone will not leave you alone and you have nowhere to go to be alone -you're trapped - and at some point yes you might have to get more forceful to impose boundaries.

 

But you were frustrated and stressed by what he said - - so yes, if you feel the frustration building up then you need to have tools ready at your disposal to remain reasonable in your response.

 

My child as much as I love him pushes me to the limits and pushes my buttons especially when we are in a rush to, for example, get to the school bus stop on time (and if we miss it it would be awful for my work schedule and for getting him to school on time). For example. I made the decision years ago -and reaffirmed it in the last year -that he deserves a calm environment in which to grow up - that there will be exceptions of course -but that I have to manage my reactions so that even though I'm typically stressed about getting him out the door in time (and I've decided not to wake up even earlier to have even more of a time cushion) he shouldn't be subjected to it -because - my stress is mostly irrational -we've never missed the bus, if we do it's not the end of the world, and I need to own my stress.

 

So I've come up with tools -sometimes it's self-talk, sometimes just walking away, sometimes telling him calmly that there will be consequences if he continues the behavior (meaning removal of privileges), and showing him that I am a cool, confident leader. The leader part isn't as relevant in an adult relationship but show your partner that you can stay reasonably cool and confident under pressure. That if it's just frustration you are not going to react by blowing up. That voice raising/yelling/stressful tones will be reserved for true emergencies or those startling situations where it's absolutely a reflex and everyone would know that.

 

And yes sometimes I have to work out even harder after that bus leaves, or do my breathing exercises, etc but I've accomplished my goal -a home that is reasonably calm. And my ultimate goal - to work on why those things stress me so very much and therefore in the first place I won't react that way. That takes time but during that lengthy process I will fake it till I make it. Because my marriage/son deserve it. Think about it.

Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

 

Could you clarify what you mean by this:

 

" I didn't write that in the least. And I think you know that - because if you exaggerate what I wrote you can tell yourself that of course it's ok to express anger." What do you see my exaggerating exactly ?

[Batya33]

Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

 

Could you clarify what you mean by this:

 

" I didn't write that in the least. And I think you know that - because if you exaggerate what I wrote you can tell yourself that of course it's ok to express anger." What do you see my exaggerating exactly ?

 

I should try to remain composed at all times.

 

[never suggested that]

 

Let me ask you a question is it ever ok for someone to get upset and mad at someone else? Because people have blown up at me and I've accepted it because I did something to upset them. But according to what you say it shouldn't be OK for some to ever?

 

[what you wrote was not according to me -in any way]

[deedee911]

I should try to remain composed at all times.

 

[never suggested that]

 

Let me ask you a question is it ever ok for someone to get upset and mad at someone else? Because people have blown up at me and I've accepted it because I did something to upset them. But according to what you say it shouldn't be OK for some to ever?

 

[what you wrote was not according to me -in any way]

Oh I see. I'll clarify- I meant that is the goal to remain composed. And if I do feel emotions such as anger and the need to react I need to be accountable by expressing my needs and setting boundaries before I react. Examples of this is leaving the room to get space, having a drink of water, or taking a deep breath. I think these are skills I need to hone in on and develop better. Regarding you - I'm not a parent, but I can only imagine that is the hardest responsibility in the world. If anything, my relationship is preparing me to be a mother. Because, like you, my future child deserves a calm environment. Not where his mom is blowing up because let's say he left his toys out etc... thank you and I sincerely appreciate your insights.

[Batya33]

Oh I see. I'll clarify- I meant that is the goal to remain composed. And if I do feel emotions such as anger and the need to react I need to be accountable by expressing my needs and setting boundaries before I react. Examples of this is leaving the room to get space, having a drink of water, or taking a deep breath. I think these are skills I need to hone in on and develop better. Regarding you - I'm not a parent, but I can only imagine that is the hardest responsibility in the world. If anything, my relationship is preparing me to be a mother. Because, like you, my future child deserves a calm environment. Not where his mom is blowing up because let's say he left his toys out etc... thank you and I sincerely appreciate your insights.

 

Yes, I agree with that and to clarify - exploding out of of anger happens to the best of us and hopefully it's extremely rare. But find what works for you - not general cliche stuff. Like I have specific mantras I repeat to myself when I feel things escalating or before I go into a situation which I believe will stress me out, I do well with 4-7-8 breathing (Weill method), and getting a drink of water would not work for me in most cases as a practical matter. But be very specific and individualized as to what your plan is to prevent things from getting to that point.

 

So yes if you get that in place it definitely will help with parenting because you'll have things to fall back on -it will be far more second nature.

 

I'm so glad I could contribute!

[Hell_On_Heels]

I love the posts between you and Batya33. Awesome stuff!

 

One of my mantras is to remind myself to act, not react.

Act - my conscious choice to gain what I what.

React - watching my emotions damage and/or destroy what I want.

 

I've had to learn to say, "I'm upset right now. It bothers me that I wasn't included in this important life decision. Let's talk about it on Tuesday after work." Yes, weird but true - I make appointments to have a fight. It works for me because I have a few days to process my emotions, then examine what I want to happen, and then talk about it reasonably.

 

The things we do and say when we're upset can be very hurtful, and can't be undone. There's no reason that we have to "fix" a problem exactly when it happens. To me, it's better to wait until I know I can control my emotions. And since I absolutely hate it when I know someone is upset with me but I don't know why, I make sure to say what is upsetting me without any judgement, any "you" comments.

 

I could say, "You weren't there when I needed you!" Or I can say, "I feel very alone." Same thing, and yet totally different.

 

Anyway, just another idea to add to the toolbox It's working for me.

[j.man]

I like Hell_On_Heels idea of taking the necessary space and working it out at a later time, but I would leave out something like the "it bothers me I wasn't included on a big life decision" bit. "You" statement or not, it is an indirect causal attribution, the stated consequence of, essentially, "you didn't include me." Not saying it's right or wrong not to in fact be upset you weren't included, but it strikes me as a bit passive-aggressive and sneaking in the last word when mentioning it in tandem with "let's talk about it later." But I do think it's fine to vocally acknowledge more generally that you are upset and would prefer to think on it and talk about it later.

 

Frankly, though, while I can understand it might be nice if he approached you with a more open dialogue, I'm not seeing the big fault a lot of others are. You weren't left out. He told you his intention. He hasn't yet carried it out. Obviously you've got time between now and when he actually applies (never mind is accepted) to calmly and productively hash out your feelings. If he'd blindsided you after the fact, presenting an acceptance letter and saying, "See ya," I think you'd have a much stronger case for reacting impulsively.

 

And, fact is, law enforcement, particularly when it comes to serving and protecting your own community, is often a calling, similar to a lot of folks who enlist. It's a case I think is perfectly understandable for someone to feel impassioned to the point they would just say, "I'm gonna do it."

 

Maybe I'd see things differently if this relationship wasn't barely half a year old, but I can't see the tremendous cause for offense.