Wally1066 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 I feel pretty sure that I am reading this situation correctly, but I would love to have some independent confirmation. My gf of 4 years and I have just moved to same state, but different cities. She says we are soul-mates, talks about our future together, BUT... We are about 30-45 minutes drive/train ride apart. While we see each other frequently she has friends in her city that I am not allowed to meet. At first when I said that I wanted to meet her friends she would kind of joke, and say that when we are together she wants me all to herself. But when I pressed and said that I'd really like to meet her friends she said that she was "Not comfortable" with that. I don't want to be one of those guys who tries to control all of his girlfriend's relationships, but I don't think that wanting to meet her friends is that unreasonable. The main people she hangs out with are two women and a guy, all roommates. Recently after she was talking at some length about the guy I asked, half-jokingly, "Do I have anything to worry about there?". After a very, very long and uncomfortable pause she said "He has a girlfriend" I have tried to talk to her about this and she insists that nothing is going on, that I am just being insecure, but I just don't see any other way to interpret this. I Don't think that she is cheating, I do think that the only reason that she hasn't dumped me is that this guy is not available. What do I do here? I value this relationship but I don't like feeling like the backup. I can't get her to really talk about this. Do I break up with her, even though I really want this relationship to continue. Do I wait for her to break up with me when this guy becomes available? What is my move here? Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careerchoice Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 You dump her. Don't you value your time? Don't you value your heart? Doesn't your self-esteem jump up and say "I deserve better than this!"? You only live once. Don't accept less than the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 You've been dating for 4 years and you've never met her friends? O.O Have you been introduce to any of her family at least? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenHopkin37 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 I know a girl who did this to her husband. She would hang out with co-workers for happy hours all the time, often not going home after work till very late because of "work event". She has a group of work friends that she never introduced to the husband. Every night, husband just waited patiently at home and was afraid to confront her for fear he would be seen as insecure....this couple happened to be my friend. The situation tormented the guy for at least 9 months, and for the same 9 months, when i saw her, she just always talked about this specific one guy in the group....so i already suspected she was really into that guy if not already sleeping with him, she constantly forgot she was still married. Finally one day she came home and told him she was done and wanted him to move out, and sure enough 2 weeks after the husband moved out, she started dating this guy from the group. Your situation seems a bit different because you two seems to still see each other constantly and she is not emotionally distant from you, is she? (you have to look at her overall behavior around you too) The girl i described , not only did she not introduced her "work friends" to the husband, but also treated him badly at home......ignored him, made him sleep on the couch sometimes because she "needed her space", and just didnt want to do anything with him. As for your gf, it could be a momentary crush she has on him that would pass after a while, but its borderline dangerous if she is keeping that side of the world from you.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 @JenHopkins: You mean he willingly slept on the couch just because "she" needed her space? He patiently waited at home while she acted single? Why didn't he tell her to sleep on the couch if she needed to be alone so badly? Why did he pretend that he was okay with her behaviour? Why did He move out? He should have told her to pack her bags. Your male friend needs to ball up or he's going to find himself with the same type of shrew in his next adventure in dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WombatShadow Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 This is a tough situation to be in, to be sure. Have you really told her how this is making you feel? Don't start with or even mention "it feels like you're cheating", don't say anything to personally attack her. Just tell her that you're feeling completely cut out of part of her life and that it makes it hard to think about your future together. How long have you been living in these situations? Do you have any friends who you regularly hang out with? Perhaps she's worried that you're trying to put all your eggs in one basket, i.e. have her and her friends be your only source of socialization. That can feel rather smothering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honeycomb8 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 ^ He just wants to meet them. It's not like he's becoming besties with all of them. I'd dump her. Something clearly is up, and I wouldn't be waiting around to be dumped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NovaBella Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 So she just moved and now that shes in the same city as her friends you want to meet them so I assume during basically all 4 years before the move you knew about the friends but obviously never met these ones because she herself wasnt even in distance to them. It took me a while to get my boyfriend to meet my friends (just last month) but only because they all live out of state ( he still blamed and makes me feel like its my fault) but he like pressured me about not having new friends or anyone to hang out with but yet when i invited him to meet a new friend he claimed he didnt want to be a third wheel and when i would go out with this one girl he tried to say i was being secretive, lesbian, making plans without him, possibly with another man and it just all comes off as jealous controlling behavior and yes we're still together but i still have to go through this because I DONT HAVE FRIENDS TO HANG OUT WITH. When im with him i just want to be with him i really dont care to entertain other people and its so hard to get that through to him. What annoys me most is that even when he does meet all of my friends he still will give me hell about going out woth them and not him I just know it so i dont even bother to make plans with the one little friend i have and i really want to. So difference i seen between you and my man is that you seem nice and dont cause conflict about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenHopkin37 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 @JenHopkins: You mean he willingly slept on the couch just because "she" needed her space? He patiently waited at home while she acted single? Why didn't he tell her to sleep on the couch if she needed to be alone so badly? Why did he pretend that he was okay with her behaviour? Why did He move out? He should have told her to pack her bags. Your male friend needs to ball up or he's going to find himself with the same type of shrew in his next adventure in dating. Haha, yeah he was clearly emotionally abused in that marriage, he really loved her and she made him feel like he was the crazy one, and that he shouldnt have even questioned her extra curricular activity. I guess gas lighting is real...i have personally experienced it where someone make you feel guilty for having needs and wants. Anyway, she makes more money than him, has a better job, and pays for the house. He had a good job at that time, but didnt make as much money as she did.....well he finally balled up and took her to the cleaner at divorce court, he got some pretty good settlement Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wally1066 Posted August 23, 2017 Author Share Posted August 23, 2017 You've been dating for 4 years and you've never met her friends? O.O Have you been introduce to any of her family at least? No, sorry, to clarify. I have met her family and many of her friends. We've recently moved to a new state. I have nog met the people she has been hanging out with since the move. One is a friend of hers from college and the other two people she met through that friend. It has been maybe six months that she has been friendly with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 So she just moved and now that shes in the same city as her friends you want to meet them so I assume during basically all 4 years before the move you knew about the friends but obviously never met these ones because she herself wasnt even in distance to them. It took me a while to get my boyfriend to meet my friends (just last month) but only because they all live out of state ( he still blamed and makes me feel like its my fault) but he like pressured me about not having new friends or anyone to hang out with but yet when i invited him to meet a new friend he claimed he didnt want to be a third wheel and when i would go out with this one girl he tried to say i was being secretive, lesbian, making plans without him, possibly with another man and it just all comes off as jealous controlling behavior and yes we're still together but i still have to go through this because I DONT HAVE FRIENDS TO HANG OUT WITH. When im with him i just want to be with him i really dont care to entertain other people and its so hard to get that through to him. What annoys me most is that even when he does meet all of my friends he still will give me hell about going out woth them and not him I just know it so i dont even bother to make plans with the one little friend i have and i really want to. So difference i seen between you and my man is that you seem nice and dont cause conflict about it. I don't see him asking to cramp her space and monopolize her time. Whatever her reasons are I would not be ok with my partner saying I couldn't merely meet them. Even if I didn't want to or need to. Unless there is a part of the story that he isn't sharing, just the idea that he is not permitted for what ever reason doesn't fly with me. Not to mention it's insulting. I'd be out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wally1066 Posted August 23, 2017 Author Share Posted August 23, 2017 @WombatShadow How long have you been living in these situations? Do you have any friends who you regularly hang out with? Perhaps she's worried that you're trying to put all your eggs in one basket, i.e. have her and her friends be your only source of socialization. That can feel rather smothering. Again we've just moved to the state, but I have made friends outside of the GF. I went out with a few guys I've been hanging out with in my gf's city, and she came out with us. It certainly doesn't feel to me like I am being smothering. The situation has been going on maybe six months, but I didn't really worry about it for a long time since we do live in different cities. It is only recently that it has started to worry me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 So she just moved and now that shes in the same city as her friends you want to meet them so I assume during basically all 4 years before the move you knew about the friends but obviously never met these ones because she herself wasnt even in distance to them. It took me a while to get my boyfriend to meet my friends (just last month) but only because they all live out of state ( he still blamed and makes me feel like its my fault) but he like pressured me about not having new friends or anyone to hang out with but yet when i invited him to meet a new friend he claimed he didnt want to be a third wheel and when i would go out with this one girl he tried to say i was being secretive, lesbian, making plans without him, possibly with another man and it just all comes off as jealous controlling behavior and yes we're still together but i still have to go through this because I DONT HAVE FRIENDS TO HANG OUT WITH. When im with him i just want to be with him i really dont care to entertain other people and its so hard to get that through to him. What annoys me most is that even when he does meet all of my friends he still will give me hell about going out woth them and not him I just know it so i dont even bother to make plans with the one little friend i have and i really want to. So difference i seen between you and my man is that you seem nice and dont cause conflict about it. You are in an abusive relationship. You do know that, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 No, sorry, to clarify. I have met her family and many of her friends. We've recently moved to a new state. I have nog met the people she has been hanging out with since the move. One is a friend of hers from college and the other two people she met through that friend. It has been maybe six months that she has been friendly with them. Thanks for clarifying: Is she hanging out with this guy one-on-one or is it always the three of them and her? I'd feel as you do if she's hanging out with him one-on-one... If he has a girlfriend, why hasn't this guy bought her around your g/f and the other two girls? It all sounds rather fishy to be honest. Did you ask your g/f why she was "not comfortable" with you meeting her friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 Something is definitely not right about this, OP. She's been your girlfriend for 4 years. You know her well, and I assume you know her well enough to know when she's behaving strangely. It's indeed concerning she's dodging your attempts to get to know these people too. I see nothing strange about your desire to meet her friends at this point. You're not just being insecure, so you can tell her to knock it off with that. How would she feel if you avoiding introducing her to your friends? (Don't bother asking her that though, as she'll likely just claim she'd be fine with it in an attempt to justify her own odd behaviour) My guess is that she either lied to them about having a boyfriend at all and they don't know you exist, something inappropriate has happened with the male member of the group, these people are not actually who she says they are (meaning, maybe it's just one guy she hangs out with regularly) , or they are not always really who she's been meeting up with on these nights out. Or, perhaps she's participating in things she shouldn't be doing with them (excessive partying? drugs?) Have you noticed any other strange behaviour from her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wally1066 Posted August 23, 2017 Author Share Posted August 23, 2017 @ThatwasThen It sounds like it is typically my g/f and the three of them, but I have never specifically asked. I am also not sure about the guy's g/f: I don't know that she hasn't been around. My gf mentions other names from time to time, so it is not just the three, but they seem to be the main players. One of them could be the guy's g/f I suppose. As far as why: she did say something about how it would be awkward since the two women (her friend from college and the friend's roommate) "aren't into LTRs" but this just seemed like a bull non-answer answer to me (and honestly this "explanation" alarmed me more than the initial refusal to let me meet them did.). @MissCanuck. As far as strange behavior goes... Mostly normal, but occasionally very cold and distant. I would be very surprised if she outright lied about having a boyfriend, or cheated. I have never known her to lie to anyone in the whole time that I have known her. She will say things that are true but misleading, and as far as borderline behavior which is not technically cheating.... I don't known. I wouldn't have thought so previously. Now I am not so sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 After four years together I'd be asking her to make arrangements to have a night together with all of them. If she refused then that would be enough for me to move on, heal and find someone that wants to show me off to her friends rather then hide me from them. Figure out a non-confrontational way to let her know that you're feeling hidden and what can the two of you do to remedy. Have a few suggestions ready (like a small get together at her place for example). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honeycomb8 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Suggest you meet her friends. The fact she's so reluctant after being with for four years is telling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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