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Dream Guy to Total Nightmare?!


FairyFail
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I met this guy 9 months ago and everything about him swept me off my feet. He does things so sweet I thought they were only on movies. He was always interested in what I had to say. I know this sounds crazy but we moved into the same apartment after only knowing each other for a month. (My roommate bailed and I was in need otherwise we would have waited) but even then things went unrealistically well. It wasn't until these last couple weeks that he started acting completely different.

 

Sure we've had our scrapes in the past but one of the great things about him is how well we can actually talk to each other when something feels wrong. Lately he has been getting mad at me about everything. Like not things that I am even involved in. For example, we are moving in a few months so we've been looking at new apartments. We found one we really like but found out they won't hold it for us until November. I know that sucks and all but he lost it on me. He isn't physical of course but he is extremely emotionally manipulative. He makes me feel like I do everything wrong when I know for a fact I'm a wicked girlfriend.

 

Even if I go with what he's saying as if I WAS wrong and apologize he still doesn't accept it, it seems like he wants to be mad at me. Like he is pushing me away.

I tried to talk to him about this, asking what is bothering him and telling him how it's making me feel but he insists he loves me so much and isn't going anywhere.

 

What sucks is that when it's good it's so good, but that's all of a sudden hardly happening anymore. And other than how he's acting when he's mad, I'm very happy where I am. I am not the type of person to cower when someone treats me badly but I think he knows he has dominance in the conversation because I actually care about how what I say makes him feel.

 

Oh and when he does upset me he just ignores me, I don't expect him to chase me or anything but if I'm very upset because of rude and unnecessary things that he's said to me I think some reconciliation isn't too much to ask?!

 

He won't let me talk to any of my friends about this because it "makes him look bad" but I can't hold it in.

I've never done anything out of line in this relationship, I'm trying to hard to make it perfect but it just isn't working.

 

I know it's all not my fault but I love this guy and I want to be with him. I just can't take feeling like crap anymore.

 

Sorry for the long rant, but what do I do?

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He isn't physical of course but he is extremely emotionally manipulative. He makes me feel like I do everything wrong when I know for a fact I'm a wicked girlfriend.

 

Even if I go with what he's saying as if I WAS wrong and apologize he still doesn't accept it, it seems like he wants to be mad at me. Like he is pushing me away.

Can you imagine living with a person who acts this way for another year? I couldn't do it. If you both can't work throughout go your arguements while living together,nthen it's not going to get any better. And this is after dating him for under a year.

 

Even if he isn't physically abusive, it doesn't make the relationship any better.

 

He won't let me talk to any of my friends about this because it "makes him look bad" but I can't hold it in.

Big sign to leave the relationship ASAP. This is a classical abuser move. Abusers start by getting you isolated from your support system so that they can continue to abuse you. He picks your friends, and soon he will start picking your family. And eventually he will become physically abusive. This is how one of my exes started before he hit me hard enough and gave me a nasty concussion/hospital trip.

 

Please walk NOW.

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These are classic early signs of an abuser. It's starts out small and gets worse and worse. If you continue, in a year, you won't recognize yourself anymore. I suggest you listen to your instincts and leave him and the relationship. The book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft would be helpful to read.

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You moved in together before you even knew who he is... Well he's showing you who he is now and you're finding out that you don't like the real him.

 

Please do not ignore your gut. You're here in this forum because its screaming at you to leave him.

 

He IS bad. Its not you talking about him that makes him that way.

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no and you shouldn't even be thinking about wanting to fix this, the moment you see psycho you run. there's plenty other ppl in the world and life is short.

 

i agree after a month you knew nothing of him, that wasn't dream guy, that was just a bully fishing for prey. don't know what the getting to know this person period was like (other than super short), but i suggest you review *how* you get to know ppl, or what you base your impression of them on. and scratch all the superficial behavioral stuff off the criteria list, it tells you nothing of who you're dealing with.

 

i understand the issue with your apartment situation but still, how on earth did it strike you as a good idea to live with a guy you barely know- i'm not asking to be mean i promise, i just think this impulsivity, plus the rampant idealization realllyy early on, plus now the hopes of him morphing back into Nice gives you a good profile to re-experience this kind of thing. i just wanted to say if you have a tendency to get wrapped up in stuff like this to be careful and maybe even take a step back from dating until you feel more objective about it. plenty enaers have great advice on abusive, controlling, codependent relationships and share helpful resources. hope you review old threads on the subject and don't hesitate to ask them for advice and links- you're at the best possible place to get help with this.

 

please listen to what everyone is saying and run. you've gathered a top-quality bunch on your thread, trust them.

 

undo the living arrangement asap and keep posting all you need to!

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Thank you all a lot. Can anyone tell me if there is any chance of fixing this? Or is it a for sure lost cause?

 

Extremely unlikely. He doesn't see his behaviour as a problem, and thus, he will not change what works for him.

 

You moved way too quickly and set up home with a guy you barely knew, OP. Now you are seeing who he really is. He's a jerk. This is why moving so fast is very unwise. Decisions are made based on lust and hormones rather than logic and true common ground.

 

Please, start looking for your own place. Without him. This is so very likely to get a lot worse if you don't.

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He was never a dream guy to begin w/. That's how abusers start out, being caring and amazing. Always keep an eye out for red flags along the way. The controlling and manipulative guy didn't show his dark side right away, I thought I may have found a really dedicated guy. Luckily he showed his true colors w/in weeks. He didn't trust me, wanted access to my phone (I said no way) and would start crying. When things were good, I enjoyed my time, but when he was whining and nagging, it went downhill. He cannot change, nothing you say or do will make him better. He was always like this and the dream guy stuff was a cover. Leave or you will be miserable.

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Sounds like my ex husband.... When things were great, they were great. But when they were bad... They were BAD.. And.. it did eventually become physical. I was with him for 10 years before I got the courage to leave. I'm so much happier. It didn't start until the week before we got married which was 1 1/2 years of dating and I had known him prior to dating for 4/5 years. Run, run far away. I wish I had never married him but felt bad since everything was paid for etc.... then I got pregnant and stayed because of our daughter.... Dumb dumb me.

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. .take away this lesson - Whenever someone fast tracks you into a relationship, they are doing so for unhealthy reasons.

They either very needy and just someone who's breathing.

Or they have some deal breaker faults that they don't want to see until you are firmly attached and invested.

It's pretty text book actually.

 

Healthy individuals realize that getting to know someone takes time and they have the patience to wait and see how things unfold.

Everyone typically smells good in the beginning when they are good behavior. You can't make life changing decisions based on what you've

experienced in the honeymoon phase, let alone one month.

 

You need to address your own willingness to go along with this and not be more discerning.

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