Invited to his mom's birthday? Weird or overreacting?

[BlueEternity]

Is it weird that my boyfriend's mom had him ask me to come over for her birthday? We've been together less than a year and I would call our relationship fairly low-key (We typically see each other a couple times a week). On the one hand, both of our parents (and most of my siblings) live in the same town, we're both pretty close with our families, and since relatively shortly after we started officially dating, we've been bringing each other to various family oriented events. So I guess this is kind of just more of the same. On the other hand, wouldn't a birthday be celebrated with that person's friends and family? And I'm not really either one. Like, celebrating my BF's birthday with his parents makes total sense, but celebrating his mom's with him just feels sort of claustrophobic to me. His mom has always been really nice to me, but I have always felt this "future daughter-in-law" pressure emanating off her that I really don't like. I would really rather not go, but I also don't want to be hurtful to either my BF or his mom, and I suspect just saying I don't want to go could be seen as hurtful. Should I just suck it up? Is this just something to be expected in a relationship? For the record, my mom likes my BF, but would never dream of inviting him over for her birthday.

[reinventmyself]

I think you may be overthinking it. I am a mom and I could easily see myself suggesting to my son to bring his girl if he likes.

Nothing cryptic about it.

[RedDress]

Yes, overreacting.

 

What's the difference between celebrating your bfs birthday with his parents or his mom's birthday with his parents? Same thing - just move the cake.

[melancholy123]

Mom is being polite so you should go. Yes it'd likely be hurtful if you didnt go. Be glad she likes you. Time to stop analyzing this and accept it as a friendly invitation.

[mustlovedogs]

Your tone makes me think you're not that in to your boyfriend. Like you couldn't imagine marrying him.

[Honeycomb8]

Your tone makes me think you're not that in to your boyfriend. Like you couldn't imagine marrying him.

 

She sounds mildly irritated. Claustrophobic? Something you have to tolerate...?

 

My mum invited my last long term ex. He got her a present and we were together a year by then? Nothing is weird or uncomfortable about it O_o...

[BlueEternity]

I'm a pretty extreme introvert, so I find many people claustrophobic. His mom, like I said, is really nice to me, but she is more of a high-maintenance type than I am, and has this way of making me feel like there's this invisible standard above my head that I'm not quite measuring up to. She is constantly making "teasing" forays into sussing out details of our relationship and our future intentions, and frequently tries to "coach" me or my BF into acting how she thinks our relationship "should" look. (Hold her hand, put your arm around her, help her into the car, don't you want him to take his shirt off? He really loves babies, did he tell you that? Why don't you tell more people at work you have a steady girlfriend?) Probably plenty of people would let that roll off their back and not worry about it, but I've never been good at that and I don't know how to handle it. It just stresses me out and I feel awkward constantly.

 

It's not really about my boyfriend (at least, I don't think it is), and if I couldn't imagine possibly marrying him someday, I don't think I'd be with him. I do feel like we haven't been able to spend enough time one-on-one lately (which is mostly my fault, as I have been very busy and away), which is probably feeding into it.

 

Anyway, you guys are clearly right, and I should not overthink the birthday thing.

[abitbroken]

I'm a pretty extreme introvert, so I find many people claustrophobic. His mom, like I said, is really nice to me, but she is more of a high-maintenance type than I am, and has this way of making me feel like there's this invisible standard above my head that I'm not quite measuring up to. She is constantly making "teasing" forays into sussing out details of our relationship and our future intentions, and frequently tries to "coach" me or my BF into acting how she thinks our relationship "should" look. (Hold her hand, put your arm around her, help her into the car, don't you want him to take his shirt off? He really loves babies, did he tell you that? Why don't you tell more people at work you have a steady girlfriend?) Probably plenty of people would let that roll off their back and not worry about it, but I've never been good at that and I don't know how to handle it. It just stresses me out and I feel awkward constantly.

 

It's not really about my boyfriend (at least, I don't think it is), and if I couldn't imagine possibly marrying him someday, I don't think I'd be with him. I do feel like we haven't been able to spend enough time one-on-one lately (which is mostly my fault, as I have been very busy and away), which is probably feeding into it.

 

Anyway, you guys are clearly right, and I should not overthink the birthday thing.

 

It sounds like your mom wants him to treat you right (hinting that he should tell more people he is dating someone, that he should open the door for you, etc).

She means very well. SHE may feel uncomfortable herself if you both act like you don't know eachother when you are around her --- sitting very far apart, not making eye contact or what have you. I think you should go. It means nothing about the future --- if you would celebrate your boyfriend's birthday with his parents -- then its no different.

[SophieGrace]

With the additional information you provided, I understand how you might feel uncomfortable. I would too, and i wouldn't want to go either. Seems a bit odd she tries to direct her son's actions in front of you and tells you how your relationship is supposed to go. I can't imagine it must be much fun for him either. Have you guys ever talked about it?

 

Either way, I don't think there's anything odd in her asking you to her birthday celebration, and I don't think it's odd you don't want to go. You two just aren't on the same page. But if you want to continue with your boyfriend it's probably a good idea to go anyway. Try to look at it from outside yourself - she means well, she's just awkward.

[MissCanuck]

I think it's completely normal that you've been invited to join the family for her birthday. My family has always done the same thing with my and my brothers' partners.

 

However, with the update you gave, it's clear this is not about a birthday invitation. It's about how his mom interacts with you and you how perceive her comments and behaviour. That would get irritating, but for what it's worth, I don't think she is acting on a malicious or holier-than-thou intention. That's not saying you should act a particular way, but I think she probably doesn't understand why you are your boyfriend aren't outwardly more affectionate. (If that's in fact the case?)

 

What does your boyfriend think of Mom's "guidance"?

[april0417]

I typed here then by accident it is all gone.

now I'm trying to write again.

I just wanted to tell you I definitely understand how you feel and why you feel claustrophobic.

but I don't think it's about his mom's birthday. it's between you and his mom. maybe and your bf too.

 

There are many different reasons from you but I felt exactly same as you.

just one reason why I don't want to go to family's event is that I feel left out around bf's family.

and also staying at his parents' place for 4~5days is making me feel smothered.

once a year is fine for me. but whenever my bf go there and staying for about 4days? No. he said if he could, he would stay for 4~5days like once a month at parents place. I felt like he and their parents have the strong bond. I understand that. but I felt like also there is the obsession (one day when we fought I called him mama's boy. because his mom always buys him his stuff - clothes, socks, underwears. over one year we've been together he has never bought his stuff by himself. and her mom tried to call him on the phone or text him like every 2-3 days. I couldn't understand even now . is this normal? I asked my friend he is definitely mama's boy. sometimes I felt like his mom didn't let him go )

it's kind of pressure and stressful when I'm facing these kinds of issues.

a lot of thoughts racing through my mind. (if I marry him..)

I know his mom and family always nice to me but I can't help it to feel that way.

so I think you are not overreacting. your response is fairly appropriate in some way.

if his mom is not hostile towards you, go and enjoy there.

[BlueEternity]

Sometimes, he ignores it, sometimes he goes with it. It's true that we're not very outwardly affectionate (consistently true of our relationship and true of me as a person). It's not that it would bother me at all if he did hold my hand or put his arm around my shoulder, etc. in front of his parents; it's that I don't really want him doing those things because his mom told him to and not because he wants to, and I feel like it's between the two of us anyway. If she wants to ask him about it or give him advice privately, that's between them in their mother/son relationship, but I really wish she wouldn't do in front of me (and anyone else we happen to be with at the time).

 

We've talked about it a little, but I have tread very lightly. His mom frequently gives him unsolicited advice/comments/criticism on all matter of things. (We went to the beach this summer, and he got sunburned despite putting on sunscreen several times. I lost count of the times his mom brought up his sunburn that and the next day, despite my BF's obvious growing frustration on the topic.) He will complain about it to me, but I haven't said much back beyond being empathetic because as much as families can drive people nuts, few people like to hear criticism about them from people outside the family.