What do I do about my ex???

[vanillabean82]

For hours I’ve struggled to find a suitable forum to release all of this, and I thought this would be a good place considering this entire situation is beginning to take a mental toll on me. I’ve gone to a few close friends about this, but I feel that it would be better to get some outside perspectives. This will be a bit to read, but I believe all the details are absolutely essential and helpful for responses. Thank you so much for any help!

 

 

The story really starts 13 years ago, when this boy, who for sake of flow we’ll call him “A”, and I met. We were four at the time, and since that day we’ve both had a crush on each other. I knew I always loved him, and he knew he always loved me, but we didn’t start dating until the end of our freshman year of high school. We were absolutely, head over heels in love, for as impossible as that may sound for two 15 year olds. We knew everything about each other, and the bond we had is one I’ve never experienced again with another person. In essence, we were best friends who loved each other deeply. Our issue, however, was that we were extremely fiery at the time, and any disagreement quickly turned into a full blown argument, not to mention, we both always wanted to be right, regardless we still were happy and in love. However, things began to spiral out of control as sophomore year progressed, he would accuse me of cheating on him (I was faithful the whole time), somehow everything hurt his feelings. He claimed that high school changed me and I thought I was too cool. The part of the break up, however, I do take full blame for was that my friends thought I could “do better” and date someone at my school (we went to separate high schools).

 

It got to the point where I couldn't be with him because he was always causing me immense stress, whether it was threatening to fight a guy who flirted with me at school (empty threats of course), or telling me he loved me but despised me because of the pain I was causing him over minuscule things like having guy friends who I really didn't even talk to, which has always been normal and encourage by my friends and parents. I became so aggravated by his melodramatic behavior in combination with the belief that “I was out of his league, I shouldn't have to deal with this chaos”, and I admit that I was melodramatic a bit too when we dated, that I finally cracked and ended it with him. It was absolutely painful, and he begged me not to go. I knew I undoubtedly shattered his heart, but I was so done with the chaos and stress and seeing myself become increasingly resentful, therefore aggressive towards him, that I had to let go. My mistake was that I funneled my anger of the failed relationship into yelling at him. I was so attached that I couldn’t really keep myself from talking to him, so we’d talk a little, and then I’d get angry again and say something like “You ruined this!” and hurt his feelings all over again. It was immature, teenage romance at its best. It’s all my newly 16 year old self knew how to do. He hated me for breaking his heart, but he would still beg for me back.

 

About two months later, I found myself in a rebound relationship with another guy a year older, who we’ll call “B”. I knew that I couldn’t keep away from ‘A’ unless I had a distraction, and ‘B’ quickly filled that spot. In hindsight, a rebound probably was a terrible idea, but I was dumb enough to let it happen. Of course, ‘A’ was devastated to find out I was now with someone, and it even made him more resentful of me. I started dating B, I was convinced not to go back to A and I started seeking professional help. I knew there were flaws in my personality, such as my irrationality and aggression, aside from that, I knew I needed to grow, and I didn't need someone who often times brought out the best in me to make me regress. I thought I could do better and be better without him, which is some ways was correct but in other ways shallow. I dated B throughout junior year, and once in a while would reach out to A, but he never was really responsive when I tried to make light chatter. I still missed him, but I knew it was too soon to go back, and anytime I tried to have a real conversation with him, he reminded me how much he hated me, so I assumed it was a lost cause. I moved on, and I grew I realized that maybe I really wasn't that nice to A towards the end even though he was exacerbating my stress and anxiety, and I felt great remorse for it, but I thought it was better just to leave alone. The entire school year, I had an absolutely miserable time with B. I was lied to repeatedly, disrespected, and brought down at least once a week by the claim that I’d never find someone who'd actually care about me again. It was hell, but I was too attached to let go. Finally in June, I caught him cheating and I ended things, I finally had enough strength and backbone. Strangely, I didn't miss A because I guess for a while I had been mentally done. After all that time, I had finally become the person I wanted to be after a year of self reflection and professional help. All in all, we dated a year (on and off), God only knows why I let that go on, I guess I just was scared to be alone and didn’t believe I'd find happiness after. Interestingly, A started popping into all my dreams agains, was slipping into my thoughts, and for some reason I couldn't help but miss him.

 

 

In August, this month, I had decided enough time had gone by where I wasn’t sad or fragile anymore. I also decided it was time to reach out to A, who I greatly missed and thought enough time and growth had taken place for us both. However, he had a girlfriend by that time of about 5 months. When I reached out to him, it was originally as a friend to express my remorse for breaking his heart. In the beginning he was extremely forgiving, and things instantly clicked as if we had never left each other. We were so in love again, and I kept apologizing for leaving him. He claimed that the relationship he was in was an open one, his girlfriend just didn't want to hear about it. He also made it clear that it was I who he truly loved, he didn’t love his girlfriend the way he loves me, although obviously he did care for her. I don’t know if that’s true to this day, but being a fool in love I believed it and we started hanging out, going on dates and double dates. Things were perfect for about two weeks, until his mother found a tin of cookies I bought him. He finally offered up that they were from me, and the mother was furious because he betrayed his girlfriend. So we’re clear, the girl is absolutely crazy about him, he’s her world, however he has little to no feelings for her. She calls him every morning to make sure he wakes up on time, makes his bed when she goes over — she’s almost like a girlfriend and a mother in one. To quote him, “She could tell me a million times that she loves me, but it means nothing to me”. As things progressed with A, I asked what the future looked like. We both had always seen the future, like when we were in our 70’s with each other, but he was conflicted because while I was gone him and this girl had gotten weirdly serious for teenagers. As of now, the plan is for her to follow him to college where they’ll move in together and so on. Essentially, for a 17 year old, he got himself into an extremely binding situation with someone he doesn’t really care about. Clearly, for the sake of security and control, which I know he really likes. Not to mention, his mom, who A idolizes, loves this girl and wants them married.

 

From that point, things were very hot and cold. He told me that he couldn't look at himself in the mirror if he left the girl who worked to make him so happy and feel like a king, for the girl who ditched him a year ago just because he truly loved me. Of course, I saw it differently: his girlfriend deserves someone who genuinely cares and loves her as she does him, and wont go behind her back looking for love in other women. I also saw it as jeopardizing his girlfriend’s true happiness just because A felt obligated to date her out of her kind deeds and loyalty. I do understand this to some degree, but in other ways I feel that that’s not what love entirely is. Some days he’d be his loving self, other days he’d constantly leave me on read. I told him I’d wait for him for as long as he needed, and not to rush into any decision because I understood i posed a level of insecurity because I broke his heart so deeply once before. I tried to be a girlfriend to him, I tried to be just a friend to him, I made him a set of 365 reasons for a “year wasted with B”, I apologized every day, I shared poetry I wrote about him and how much I loved him. I tried to talk things out with him, I tried everything in my power. When I offered to leave, he was angered by the idea that I wanted to give up. I have no clue what to do, and it’s breaking me. I feel that I’m obligated to pull through for A because I broke his heart and indirectly this situation is because I left, but he has a girlfriend who I don’t think he’s gonna leave — I mean, why would he want to give up being pampered even if he doesn't care about the girl. He always tells me how he loves me, but he wants to hate for breaking his heart and making him feel belittled. He loves me, but he hates me in some way. Every day, for three weeks I’ve been trying to do everything in my power to make him feel loved, to fix things, and to show him I’m not the irrational, heartbreaking 16 year old I was, but he keeps holding something from over a year ago against me. I don't know what to do because it seems that being there upsets him, but if I try and leave, he hates me for “giving up”. This has taken a mental toll because he is being so difficult, and I completely understand where he's coming from and how he’s confused, but he refuses to give me any guidance on what he needs from me. When I said I can be whatever he needs me to be for him even as a friend, he replied “If I don't know who I wanna be, how could I know what I need you to be”. I understand his confusion and distress in the situation, but I’m starting to crack under the pressure too because I love him so dearly, and I know things could work out, but I don't know if its worth saving or how to effectively work things out. Any time i try and have a conversation with him about fixing things, he shuts down almost. I don't know if he just wants to see me look pathetic because he felt pathetic when I left, or if he’s insanely conflicted as well as melodramatic, or what. I’m starting to feel like I’m some awful monster who ruined his life, but I know deep down I’m not. And any time I try and explain why i left or what I’m trying to do, he accuses me of thinking I’m a saint. Can I please, please have some guidance or opinions on what to do?

[RedDress]

The answer is 'C'.

 

As much as you love 'A', he has a girlfriend and doesn't want to be with you romantically right now. Continuing to try will simply cause more heartache and pain.

 

I understand that you feel that you have grown and learned a lot over the past year, but you are still quite young. That pace of growth and change WILL continue, typically until the age of about 25 or so (at which point it slows down). You still have SO much ahead of you - many exciting times and challenges. College, for example, is usually also a highly stressful time for relationships. You will be surrounded by tons of young, single, attractive and adventurous people - most people don't even want to be tied down at that stage and want to take full advantage of their lives and college experiences.

 

I really feel that all of what you described is a blessing in disguise.

 

If you and 'A' are "meant to be", then the world (or whatever forces you believe in) will bring you back together when the time is right. Trying to 'force' the right time will be nothing but damaging.

 

(BTW - it's also not cool what he's doing to his gf... he too has some growing to do...)

 

Take your time, have faith in the world to show you the right path when the time is right, and enjoy your youth and freedom. Go explore new relationships, meet new people, attain some goals - maybe travel and explore.

 

This is not the relationship for you at this time.

[vanillabean82]

Thank you so much, this was so helpful!