My parents died in a car accident when I was 14 – my grandparents refused to take me in ‘cause I’m m

[lakersnation]

My parents died in a car accident when I was 10. My father was black, and my mom was white. My dad grew up an orphan, so I was unable to be taken in by his side of the family. My mom’s parents disowned my mother when she married my dad, and they didn’t want anything to do with me because they didn’t approve of their daughter marrying a black man, and having a mixed child.

 

When my parents passed, I was taken in by a childless couple down the street from where my family and I used to live. They are absolutely lovely. Raised me as if I were their own flesh and blood. I love them so much. It wasn’t easy – especially in the beginning, when the pain of losing my parents overwhelmed me and would sometimes cause me to lash out. But not at one point did they waver in their commitment to me. Words cannot describe the amount of respect and love I have for them. I consider them to be my second set of parents.

 

I’m now 28 years old, married and expecting a baby in November with my wife. I can’t wait to be a father. I have my own business and things are going very well. My grandparents got in touch with the people who raised me from teenagehood. They told me about it – I was curious, so I got the contact details from them.

My “grandmother” said she and her husband were very sorry for what they did, and that if they could take back what they did to me, they would. They said they would like to know me and make amends. Then she added that they needed a loan. I told them I would get back to them.

 

I must say, I thought I had put everything behind me. But this just brought up old feelings of anger and despair – feelings I thought I had gotten rid of when I had therapy in my early 20s. Would appreciate some advice on the subject.

[Hollyj]

Wow. Personally, I would stay away from these people. They abandoned your mother, and you, in your greatest time of need. I think it's 28 years, too late. Regarding the loan bit, I am speechless.

 

You have a loving family that took you in after your folks were taken. They are your family!!!! Focus on them, as you can see that blood means nothing.

[melancholy123]

It sounds to me like they only want to know you because they need some money. I'd avoid them like the plague.

[pippy longstocking]

Then she added that they needed a loan

 

aww what a shame , this is clearly what they are after . You go get on with your life with your lovely little family and don't allow them to hurt you anymore .

[lakersnation]

Made a mistake in OP. Parents died when I was 14 - not 10. As to the comments - yes I agree that it does sound like a money grab. The worst thing is if they were really sincere I could try to mend bridges. But with this pretext? It gets to me, I gotta admit.

[Snny]

My “grandmother” said she and her husband were very sorry for what they did, and that if they could take back what they did to me, they would. They said they would like to know me and make amends. Then she added that they needed a loan.

 

LOL. Really?

 

They disowned you and sealed that deal a long time ago. They left you to be an orphan. Who in the right mind abandons a CHILD?

 

You don't owe them a damn thing. Let them be. Tell your foster family that you want nothing to do with them, and if they contact them again they need to ignore them.

[Snny]

The worst thing is if they were really sincere I could try to mend bridges. But with this pretext? It gets to me, I gotta admit.

They are not being sincere if they are asking for a financial favor. Replace your grandmother with a former friend... someone who backstabbed you and left the friendship... then wants to make a truce,while at the same time, asking for money. Is that a genuine friendship?

 

Please let that go. Don't let these people manipulate you. They aren't asking for forgiveness.

[lakersnation]

You are right, Snny. Absolutely. My wife made a similar analogy. I wish things were different. But like Holly stated, family is not about blood and I learned that the hard way. My real, remaining family are my foster parents and my wife and unborn son.

[Doc Blaze]

So they didnt even keep in touch with you ?

 

 

that last part doesnt set well. I would not even reopen that chapter in your life.

[DanZee]

They're playing on your emotions. They're not nice people. They're racists. Don't visit them. Don't "loan" them any money.

[lakersnation]

No, Doc, they did not keep in touch. Last time I saw them and heard from them was at the funeral.

[happyplace]

My grandparents were the same way for other reasons. My dads father was an abusive drunk and they hated my mom so they never got to know us. I don't care if he came crawling back on his deathbed begging for $20 bucks, I woulda turned him down. That might sound harsh but I'm 30 and he died last month, and never in my life have I heard him say one nice thing about us or my parents, he didn't even know what my brother, sister and I looked like as far as I know. To me, sounds like your grandparents made their bed, let them sleep in it, and don't let it take any more time outta your day. People can't just crap on everyone and then come crawling back when they need something, it's not how it works. And remember, if you give a mouse a cookie, he's gonna want some milk, so I doubt they're gonna stop if they get even a penny outta you. It's a tough situation, but sounds like you overcame a lot already. Good luck in your decisions.

[journeynow]

Did you contact them already to say you'd get back to them?

 

In any event, what I might do if I were in your shoes, is simply thank them for their apology and wish them well, and apologize for not being able to help them with their financial situation.

 

No judgement in there, just simple courtesy (and truth?) from your side. Do you WANT to meet? It may be too soon to entertain the idea, seeing as they just sent an apology. (Or an appeal for money cloaked as an apology.) DO NOT give them money. If you feel you need so explain (you don't) simply say you already have a charity you are committed to and cannot take on another. (This shows you honor your commitments and you are responsible about your choices. Even if you don't have a regular charity you give to, you have a right to choose a charity to support and it doesn't have to be them. Maybe it could be an umbrella organization that they could turn to in need, like a local food shelf, United Way, or Red Cross...)

 

Down the road, who knows, they may be decent people, but right now they are not giving anything but words and are asking for things from you that they should not.

[Snny]

To be honest, this story kind of scares me.

 

I am in an interracial marriage. My parents did NOT approve me dating my husband because of cultural and racial reasons. My parents and I had a nasty argument (before my engagement) of how my children will look nothing like me, how they won't be as "pretty" as I am (BS if you look at biracial celebrities), how my husband will kidnap our kids and move back to his home country, etc etc.

 

They softned up and started accepting him when we got engaged. But really... And especially with that last argument that I will never forget... I seriously don't know how they will react. I'm pregnant now.

I just really hope my child will have loving grandparents and not judge him/her for being biracial. And if not, I really hope nothing ever happens to me. My inlaws are living in a dangerous third world country and I would not want my child to go there.

 

 

To the OP, I'm really sorry about what happened to you. No child should be left to live in the streets because of prejudice against your colors. I honestly hate your grandparents for what they did to you. It absolutely sickens me when family abandon their own children/grandchildren. I mean, how in the hell could they sleep at night knowing for what they did? Jesus Christ. Seriously, Those white trash can live with their Karma and rot in poverty. I'm glad you were given a second chance by two loving strangers who took you in like family. You really should focus your energy on those amazing people.

[jennylove]

Op, these ppl don't give a crap about you or what they did to you. I mean, normal and mentally healthy ppl don't abandon their daughter and grandchild. Especially grandchild. Most people are insanely in love with their grandchild and go to great lengths to be in their lives. They most definitely have mental illness. And these types don't suddenly reach an epiphany and try to make amends after 2 decades. There is a motive. They want money. And they likely have nobody else to help them as these types usually run everyone off. Scammers. I'd tell them you aren't interested but wish them well. Then block.

[Snny]

They most definitely have mental illness.

Careful, that is a strong accusation about mental illness. I work in the mental health field; prejudice is a cultural mindset, not a mental illness trait. The OPs grandparents are hateful and manipulative (yes, definitely scammers).

[lakersnation]

Did you contact them already to say you'd get back to them?

 

In any event, what I might do if I were in your shoes, is simply thank them for their apology and wish them well, and apologize for not being able to help them with their financial situation.

 

No judgement in there, just simple courtesy (and truth?) from your side. Do you WANT to meet? It may be too soon to entertain the idea, seeing as they just sent an apology. (Or an appeal for money cloaked as an apology.) DO NOT give them money. If you feel you need so explain (you don't) simply say you already have a charity you are committed to and cannot take on another. (This shows you honor your commitments and you are responsible about your choices. Even if you don't have a regular charity you give to, you have a right to choose a charity to support and it doesn't have to be them. Maybe it could be an umbrella organization that they could turn to in need, like a local food shelf, United Way, or Red Cross...)

 

Down the road, who knows, they may be decent people, but right now they are not giving anything but words and are asking for things from you that they should not.

 

Yes I did. I told them I'd get back to them. I had a long talk with my wife last night and I've decided against it. When I was in my early 20s, I was an alcoholic. Drank liquor pretty much every day - looking back I don't know how the hell I graduated from college. Eventually it caught up to me and I hit rock bottom. I've been sober for 4 years now. Ever since hearing from my "grandparents," I have felt the urge to "just have one sip." That one sip will undoubtedly end up with me finishing the bottle. I'm about to be a father, I have a wife I love tremendously and foster parents who care a lot about me. I can't do that to my family. These people just aren't good for me, thus it's best to not have anything to do with them.

[lakersnation]

To be honest, this story kind of scares me.

 

I am in an interracial marriage. My parents did NOT approve me dating my husband because of cultural and racial reasons. My parents and I had a nasty argument (before my engagement) of how my children will look nothing like me, how they won't be as "pretty" as I am (BS if you look at biracial celebrities), how my husband will kidnap our kids and move back to his home country, etc etc.

 

They softned up and started accepting him when we got engaged. But really... And especially with that last argument that I will never forget... I seriously don't know how they will react. I'm pregnant now.

I just really hope my child will have loving grandparents and not judge him/her for being biracial. And if not, I really hope nothing ever happens to me. My inlaws are living in a dangerous third world country and I would not want my child to go there.

 

 

To the OP, I'm really sorry about what happened to you. No child should be left to live in the streets because of prejudice against your colors. I honestly hate your grandparents for what they did to you. It absolutely sickens me when family abandon their own children/grandchildren. I mean, how in the hell could they sleep at night knowing for what they did? Jesus Christ. Seriously, Those white trash can live with their Karma and rot in poverty. I'm glad you were given a second chance by two loving strangers who took you in like family. You really should focus your energy on those amazing people.

 

I wish you, your husband and your baby the best for the future. Hopefully your parents will discard their reservations when the baby is born. I've heard lots of stories where parents don't agree with interracial relationships but when the grandchild is born, they realize how stupid they have been. My wife is Japanese-American and while her parents had no problem with us being together, her uncle did. She cut him off like a rotting limb.

[journeynow]

Yes I did. I told them I'd get back to them. I had a long talk with my wife last night and I've decided against it. When I was in my early 20s, I was an alcoholic. Drank liquor pretty much every day - looking back I don't know how the hell I graduated from college. Eventually it caught up to me and I hit rock bottom. I've been sober for 4 years now. Ever since hearing from my "grandparents," I have felt the urge to "just have one sip." That one sip will undoubtedly end up with me finishing the bottle. I'm about to be a father, I have a wife I love tremendously and foster parents who care a lot about me. I can't do that to my family. These people just aren't good for me, thus it's best to not have anything to do with them.

 

I agree with you. Take care of you. It's important, your priority, so that you can fully be there for your life, your wife, and your new role as father. Good for you for the life you've made. It is something to be proud of.

[Snny]

Yes I did. I told them I'd get back to them. I had a long talk with my wife last night and I've decided against it. When I was in my early 20s, I was an alcoholic. Drank liquor pretty much every day - looking back I don't know how the hell I graduated from college. Eventually it caught up to me and I hit rock bottom. I've been sober for 4 years now. Ever since hearing from my "grandparents," I have felt the urge to "just have one sip." That one sip will undoubtedly end up with me finishing the bottle. I'm about to be a father, I have a wife I love tremendously and foster parents who care a lot about me. I can't do that to my family. These people just aren't good for me, thus it's best to not have anything to do with them.

Your strength is stronger than you realize. Your wife and child are incredibly fortunate to have you.

 

I really think you should write a memoir with your experience. You have a great success story to share.

 

My spouse is also Asian (not American yet).

[nutbrownhare]

This is such a tragic story, and a testament to your strength of character that you've managed to get through these experiences and out the other side.

 

It's completely understandable that contact from these heartless people will have triggered a whole pile of memories, and I hope that you will manage to hold onto your sobriety. Your story was bad enough without all that, but then for them to contact you when they want money from you, these people who frankly didn't care whether you lived or died, leaves me absolutely speechless.

 

Their blood tie means nothing to them unless they want to leech from you. You are not responsible for their financial situation - they are. You ARE responsible for your own wellbeing and that of your family, and your grandparents cannot be anything other than a toxic influence in your life today.

 

Just let them know that you wish them well, but that any continued contact with them seems inappropriate after all this time and you will not be keeping in touch.

 

You owe them NOTHING. And please don't let them guilt-trip you into thinking you do!

 

(((HUGE HUGS))) and all the best for the future with your lovely family!