Whats wrong with my line of thinking here

[4dvz]

So my problem to put it simple is this: Whenever my partner is out drinking, partying, out from city, whatever, I feel so insanely bad deep within, that I even start to hope I was not in a relationship at all even though I believe she is the love of my life. The pain is just too much to bear.

 

In my history I have been cheated on quite blatantly without me even having a clue, I have been left out from the Blue in a very long relationship without me even seeing it coming. I have must grown serious trust-issues, and it affects me here.

 

Also as the title says my line of thinking these days is: First of all, I would never engage into a relationship with anyone without being certain she wants to possibly spend the rest of her life with me. When i get to the point with someone where she expresses her will to have a relationship, I try to focus on figuring out her reasons of being interested about me, the depth of their feelings towards me, and what they want with me in the long run.

If I happen to move in with someone I must really be certain that she wishes never to cheat, and always to be ready to fix whatever seems to be wrong. I want to be sure I can be 100% (as she also) who I am, and rest assured nothing can go even though things would go wrong. I need everything to be bulletproof, with both of us loving each other so deep. (The one-thing you know)

If I at some point need to question my partners committment, loyalty, or having same goals with us as me, or if she loves me as much as I do her, or wishes to spend less time with me than I do with her, or share less of her life with me than I do with her, my mental balance literally crumbles. It crumbles and i start to regret the whole relationship, because if I had known something like this would happen, I would not had wanted the whole thing to happen.

 

Im the most loyal man to my woman I know, and I treat her as well as I can every day. Also Im having problems doing anything that doesnt please her, or could piss her off, because I Constantly fear of losing her. I do this at my own expense, and sacrifice my own life partially because of that.

 

When im in a relationship deep as what Im talking about, I dont want to have my own life, I want to have a shared life. Lots of people want to do stuff with their friends etc, I want to do stuff with the one I love.

 

I want the spark, romance, caring and love be alive and well till we die together. If I didnt believe this could be possible with her, I would do my best to end everything and find someone who wants the same as I do.

 

At this moment when Im writing this, my partner has wished to go to a party where I could had also joined with her friend only, and I cant understand why, if what she feels for me is the same I feel for her. I would never exclude her from any party I would attend, even though my friend only wanted to go with me (i dont need friends who are not friends with my partner) and now I kind of hope I would had never engaged into a relationship with her, nor moved in, because I have started to question the depth of her feelings for me. She however claims she wants to marry her, but I dont want to marry anyone who doesnt want the same as I do.

 

Now I gave her options; either be in touch with me via messages intensively, or not talk with me at all before returning to home, because I have trust issues with her due to something she did in the beginning of our relationship. I know her and spot when she cant focus to me, and if she gets drunk etc. If he chose not to be in touch with me at all, I would move to "abort the mission" with trusting her, she doesnt know this though, because i want her choices not to be biased.

 

What is wrong with me besides having trust issues?

[Hollyj]

"When im in a relationship deep as what Im talking about, I dont want to have my own life, I want to have a shared life. Lots of people want to do stuff with their friends etc, I want to do stuff with the one I love." This is super-unhealthy, and one should ALWAYS have a life outside of their partner. It is also smothering and needy behavior. You should have friends outside of your partners friends..

 

"Now I gave her options; either be in touch with me via messages intensively, or not talk with me at all before returning to home, because I have trust issues with her due to something she did in the beginning of our relationship. I know her and spot when she cant focus to me, and if she gets drunk etc. If he chose not to be in touch with me at all, I would move to "abort the mission" with trusting her, she doesn't know this though, because i want her choices not to be biased." Good grief! Honestly, I am surprised that anyone would tolerate this.

 

You need to get counseling. Like now. You need to deal with your trust issues, and making your partner your entire world. Please do this, or you will never have a long-lasting relationship.

[boltnrun]

There are zero guarantees in any relationship.

 

I got married years ago. Stood up in church in front of all my family and friends and vowed before God and everyone else that I would stay married until death do us part.

 

Well...I'm now divorced.

 

Did my husband and I lie to one another when we made those vows? Did we lie to God? Nope, we both fervently hoped the marriage would last forever. What we didn't factor in was how completely unsuited we were for one another. We chose to ignore that fact because we were attached emotionally and thought that would be enough. Sadly, it wasn't.

 

You are demanding things from your girlfriend that, honestly, would be difficult for me to go along with. Message you "intensively" while she's out? Why? Do you think that will prevent her from doing something illicit? Do you think demanding she message you "intensively" will prevent a repeat of whatever she did in the beginning of the relationship (which I presume means she cheated on you)? And how can you insist your friends be friends with your girlfriend? What if they have nothing in common? Also, there is no way she can guarantee the "spark" will be there forever. You can try your best but, as I found, even with the best intentions you sometimes aren't able to retain those intense feelings forever.

 

All I think anyone can do is promise to do their best to give 100% effort to the relationship. Now, that doesn't mean excluding everyone else from their lives (which is one thing my ex husband did that killed our marriage), but that you will always do everything you can to give your partner love, respect and trust. If any of those are missing the relationship cannot last.

 

Maybe you should go ahead with your plan to "abort the mission" if she doesn't message you "intensively" while she's out. Because you probably need to find someone who wants to spend every minute with you, not someone who is social and enjoys spending time with friends, and someone who you don't trust.

[MissCanuck]

You have serious relationship anxiety. This need to have everything bulletproof and no life of your own is not healthy at all, and not realistic, OP. You're trying to do this to protect yourself from pain, but it's ineffective because it's too much for one partner to bear and will likely only push her away. You have to learn to manage your anxiety without suffocating the life out of your relationship. Nothing is ever a 100% guarantee, forever. Such is life. Crap happens sometimes. You trying to make sure everything is great all of the time is a recipe for disaster, because you will feel any little bump as extreme roadblocks and go into panic mode. Life is too short to white-knuckle your way through like that, and most people won't stay in such a relationship for long.

 

You say you gave her two options at this party: either be in touch with you all night, or not at all. Do you get how that sounds? Your black-and-white thinking is way too rigid and comes across as controlling. You're shooting yourself right in the foot. Let the girl live. If you can't trust her, don't be with her. But don't expect her to follow your rules just because you can't get a handle on your own thoughts.

 

Coming back to the trust issue, what did she do at the beginning of the relationship that broke your trust?

[4dvz]

* correction: marry me, not marry her

[4dvz]

MissCanuck:

After a couple of months of us together she spent a night with someone else while being drunk and away from me.

if what you say about nothing ever being 100% quarantee, I would be too aftaid to love anyone ever again. I cant bear the chance of having to go through that pain that makes me want to end my life.

I have told her everything about my trust issues etc, and made sure she knows what I want and look up for.

And also black and white thinking is because I refused to be made a doormat with my love, she needs to make hard decisions if she puts me in hard situations intentionally

[boltnrun]

There is no 100% guarantee on anything in life.

 

If you're holding out for that you will be disappointed over and over and over. You cannot control the universe.

 

As for your expectations, it would work better if you found someone who has no friends, no social life and who would be perfectly happy spending every single second with you and only you. There are women like you, it just works better if you find one who feels the same way you do.

[MissCanuck]

MissCanuck:

After a couple of months of us together she spent a night with someone else while being drunk and away from me.

if what you say about nothing ever being 100% quarantee, I would be too aftaid to love anyone ever again. I cant bear the chance of having to go through that pain that makes me want to end my life.

I have told her everything about my trust issues etc, and made sure she knows what I want and look up for.

And also black and white thinking is because I refused to be made a doormat with my love, she needs to make hard decisions if she puts me in hard situations intentionally

 

But you stayed with her after she went home with someone else.

 

You're making your issues worse by continuing a relationship with someone who already showed you that she's not trustworthy. You're putting yourself in those hard situations too, you realize.

[DanZee]

I'm afraid I agree with the previous posters, You're being clingy and demanding. You expect your girlfriend to give up her friends and her life, which may seem OK at first, but women are social creatures, and unless you can find a girl with no friends and no life, it's not going to work. She'll either break up with you or cheat and then break up with you, and you will be in the same situation you were in before.

 

Let me tell you, I'm like you in some ways. But I let my wife have a life. I let her go off on weekends with her girlfriends. They actually invite me along and I probably wouldn't leave the house otherwise.

 

So you can throw all in with your girlfriend, but let her life and you wiull be happy and she will be happy.

[4dvz]

Misscanuck:She is the most amazing woman ive met, and i believe she loves me. I couldnt leave her, and she told me many months after it happened, and she could had chosen never to tell me anything. However i told her that from now on i will have to do everything i can to make sure that kind of situation could ever happen again without me knowing about it, and it means she needs to be unable to lie to me.

[boltnrun]

So has she agreed to message you "intensively" every time she's out? Has she agreed to stop seeing any friends who are not also friends with you?

[Jeetsun]

if what you say about nothing ever being 100% quarantee, I would be too aftaid to love anyone ever again. I cant bear the chance of having to go through that pain that makes me want to end my life.

 

How can you possibly delude yourself into thinking there are 100% guarantees in life? Have you not lived it very long? Because truly, with that mindset you are setting yourself up for failure and major bouts of depression which it seems you already have considering the statement you just made about wanting to end your life if you have to experience pain. I understand why people want to avoid pain, it sucks, its awful and we all tend to go to great lengths to make sure we don't go through it. But that's a fools dream at best. Life is pain, we all have to go through it and experience it. I tend to think the key in experiencing pain is to do jus that, experience it and then let it go, don't hold onto it as it will ruin you. You have residual pain and trust issues to work through before you can experience a meaningful relationship with anyone.

[4dvz]

Danzee: i want to let her live her life, but i have tried to make sure before even falling in love with her that she wants the same kind of relationship as I do, the kind of where we are each others best friends and do everything together. I believed she wanted that.

[Hollyj]

So, have you sought any counseling?

[4dvz]

Boltrun: she has agreed to do anything it requires for me to trust her. I dont want her to stop seeing her friends, i want to make her happy not isolate her. I just dont get it why would she exclude me from a party, because i get along with all of her friends. If she wants to be able to flirt in bars etc i understand but i just cant see real reasons that are honest.

[Hollyj]

OP, Do you see that you have a pattern of choosing/staying with people who are not trustworthy? She showed you who she was, early on, yet you continued with her.

 

Do you think that you may be attracted to the dynamic if being in a dramatic and unhealthy relationship? It seems that you are actively choosing people who are not good for you.

[4dvz]

Jeetsun that mindset I would rather be single for my entire life, if i had to accept that. Last time I was left in long term relationship it took me almost an year to get back on my feet really. Half an year I was so down I lost all the touch to life. Love hurts me too bad, and I dont want to go through it ever again.

[4dvz]

Holly: It migh be that I do not know whats good for me. Maybe i fall for wrong kinds of women. Actually i do think the women that ive been with have all been out from my league. They could had been models if you ask me, while im just a regular guy. I get attracted to looks too often in the beginning, it might be it. But thats just something i cant help, but i value everything else than looks in a woman, its just when Im single i cant help myself to rationalize. I dont know if this even makes any sense.

 

Btw i have tought about counceling but not ready for it atm.

[Hollyj]

What scares you about counseling? You need to deal with your issues. You seem to revolve your life around your partners. Do you have friends of your own?

 

If you are seeking women on their appearance, rather than their character, then that is a big problem. It is also shallow. Looks fade, my friend.

[Hollyj]

It seems that this state of drama is very comfortable for you. I suppose that is why you do not want to address your issues through therapy.

 

I'm curious to know what you are seeking from this forum, as you do not want to make any changes within yourself?

[4dvz]

Holly: I don`t know how you came up with the idea of this state being comfortable for me. It is not, and I would love to bypass it. First of all, I believe it would be a huge effort to find a therapist who really understands me. Secondly, I find the situation where I would sit down face to face with a therapist extremely uncomfortable. Thirdly, I have only recently started to think of the whole subject, and reason being that I have been able to therapize myself for my entire life by breaking my mind down to bits and assessing them over again to fix myself, and I have believed I know myself extremely well. This issue makes me question that, because I just can`t understand what`s wrong, but I clearly know something is wrong. However because I have learned to assess my own mind really well, it would take a therapist who I really respect and trust in order for me to believe him/her. I know I should just try, but also going to therapy costs money and I would like to find a way to actually want that before I would do it. I`m btw also aware that these must sound like excuses, but figured out to state them anyways.

 

I`m seeking help from this forum, and I do want to make changes, I would not go through the effort of describing everything here if I didn`t. In my past life I have found help in this forum, and this is really only place for me to open up. The problem however in this thread for example is that I need my line of thinking to be proven false by it`s very core in the way that I would acknowledge, and it needs someone to make me believe or realize something new, and I`m a kind of person who holds to his believes quite firmly, this is why it must sound that I don`t want to make changes even though I do.

 

I first of all acknowledge that I`m not capable of being in a normal relationship, and I would like to change that. The problem however is that the changes in my believes that it seems to require as I currently understand, renders being in a relationship completely futile in my point of view. I don`t want to be with someone for 2 years, or 5 years or even 10 years, to me it`s a failure if there is an ending point, and so forth waste of time and life. I`m capable of being genuinely happy when I`m alone, I have noticed this in the times I have been single for long enough, I find mental balance and harmony when I love nobody. That is a state where I have no worries, and I can be free in my mind. So I really don`t need a relationship and I even believe it`s harmful for me because of my issues, but I keep falling in love accidentally. When I`m single I`m usually dating quite a lot however and honestly trying not to get serious with anyone, because of the fact I just stated. I date a lot when I`m single because I really have no friends and it`s just something to keep my social needs met.

When I met my current gf I had decided to be single for atleast 5-10 years, and I`m serious about it. She however turned my believes completely over, as she seemed to want exactly the same in every sense I could think of from a relationship, as I do. And she understands me in my issues also, and is the only person on the planet I currently can talk about them comfortable even at the expense of making myself look sick in my head. None of my exes have been given this kind of trust from me.

[MissCanuck]

You're setting yourself up for failure, OP.

 

Your girlfriend can't fix all your social and anxiety problems. That's essentially what you're making her do, and that's not fair. We can't prove your line of thinking false, either. How could we? You justify and rationalize all of your behaviour, and refute everything we say. We can't force you to accept our opinions; we can simply present them to you and you have to decide for yourself if you want to live your life the way you've been doing so.

 

The only evidence we have that something isn't working is that you are not happy with the way things are and are squeezing the life out of your relationship. Your girlfriend wanted some space from you, clearly, in that she wanted to go to a party without you. And that should not be enough to put a leash on her and demand she message you "intensively." No girl is going to put up with that for very long. If what you want is to lose her, keep doing what you're doing. She is going to get tired of it. You're going to realize your worst fears if you continue in this way, mark my words.

[demonamong88]

ask her how she feels when she puts you in that predicament , most relationships fail because one or the other , is untruthful or afraid to commit emotions, ask her , if she, would like to further your relationship by simple dinner out, or even a night in for movie night, e.g, movie n popcorn or alternate snacks, hope this helps.

[demonamong88]

as well, you need to know, that most anxiety suffering males cannot stop the worries, because the top fear is losing their love to someone else, I myself experienced it, well more than 300 times, Misscanuck, can I assume that , no matter in the world , heartbreak is more severe, to depressed people( like myself) , than others?.

[boltnrun]

If she agrees to do everything you ask, why would it even be up for debate whether or not she messages you "intensively" while she's out? Hasn't she already said she would? And if so, where is the problem? You still don't want her associating with anyone other than you?