Losing the will to live.

[dep]

So, my bf and I have been together for over 10 months. We're both students. I've got depression and anxiety for almost a year now with frequent panic attacks.

 

 

We've had a rough times but we've gotten through it. He was very, very mean due to various reasons and I had decided to break up many times but would stay in the end after he'd explain his actions. He's had an awful childhood but is in good terms with his dad. He is now in contact with his dad because of me. After him being rude for months, I have become rude towards him too. Not in a bad way, but not being extra affectionate since I was getting more and more used to him not acting right.

 

But now, he's changed and he cares so much and does so much for me. SO MUCH. But he's become so sensitive now. I think his awful behavior is probably gone because he feels more stable now that he's back with his dad. But our fights have gotten bad. He gets mad over small stuff and constantly thinks I don't care about him enough or that I don't value him. This is not true.

 

Last night, we went out for drinks. I am very stressed because of my dissertation. I had been working all night and he called asking me out for a drink. We went to a fancy bar where we spent 45 minutes but he was with me only for 15 minutes max. The rest of the time he was at the bar, ordering drinks for us and then he met his old friend and got talking. I was very annoyed since I was looking forward to spending the time with him! But I didn't say much when he got back. He knew what he did was wrong because he gave explanations for leaving me like that.

 

We then went to get some food and decided to go to another bar on the way home. In this bar, there was NO queue whatsoever and he stood there talking to a random man about politics and left me at the table for 20+ minutes. At first I thought he was waiting for the drink but when I saw, he had got his beer and was drinking it while talking to this random person and hadn't ordered my drink! He isn't obliged to get me a drink but he left saying he would. At this point, I was sobering up but not very sober.

 

I gestured towards him, showing I was annoyed but he smiled and didn't move from his place! I waited 5 more minutes before going to him and saying that I am taking an uber home. The man who was with him said that my bf shouldn't have kept me waiting and apologized too. I told this man that it wasn't his fault since he didn't know I was involved. Then I got mad at my bf and decided to leave. My bf then felt bad that I was leaving and told me to come back to his. He looked hurt that I wasn't staying so I stayed. Although in between he kept saying stuff like "Okay, if you really want to go, why don't you just f*ck off then?" and when I'd actually do it, he'd feel bad and ask me to stay.

 

On our way back to his, he kept asking me to "behave" because his dad was in the house with his gf. My bf was like "Don't create a scene and embarrass. AGAIN." (Last time I went to his place, his dad was there, we had a fight and he thinks that his dad heard it). I didn't say much. He was getting rough but he was pretty drunk at this point. So, I decided to not talk with him in that state. After we got home, he was so mean to me in the arguments. He told me how I always cause him embarrassment and how it was just him talking to a man and I didn't have to make a big deal out of it. I told him why I got angry - I had come to spend time with him and not be just waiting for him the whole time while he enjoyed talking to other people. He wouldn't listen to my side of explanation. He said I was a joke and called me names like stupid and knobhead, etc. I was breaking down at this point and it didn't stop him from calling me more names like silly and .

 

He was speaking so much like his dad, it was horrible. His dad is a great guy but he swears a lot and gets annoyed so quick. Since he's spending so much time with his dad, he's probably picking up his mannerism. He then came and gave me some tablets for preventing hangover and heated up some food too. I forgave him all the he called me and asked for forgiveness too. Then we made up and came back to mine. In the morning, everything was okay. We were so happy. I started working on my dissertation and decided to go upstairs to study. I asked him to keep some of the food (bread and lamb curry) for me. He agreed.

 

When I came downstairs, I found there were only lamb pieces, mostly bone-y ones left. I was really starving and there was nothing else. I got mad at him a bit and then decided to cook something (I don't have so much time to waste on cooking since my dissertation is due on Monday). Then he asked me for my phone, saying that he wanted to listen to the song he had recorded at the bar. I told him that I had deleted it by mistake and then just got back on with the cooking. He felt bad about me deleting it and went on to say I didn't care or respect him. When I repeated it was an honest mistake, he was like "But you didn't apologize when it's obvious I was looking forward to listening to that song".

 

At this point, I was stressed with the dissertation and had to cook food and there was some electricity problem all of a sudden so I couldn't use the electric hob or the microwave. So, I didn't apologize saying it was a small thing and that he's just being extra. He kept saying how I should apologize, till I actually gave in. I think I did it because I really didn't want negativity in the house while I have so much work to do. On top of that, my depression and anxiety are getting worse. His dad even told us once in a conversation how we should understand each other's situation AND he gave an example of me being in stress right now so my bf should be more understanding and let conflicts slip by during this period.

 

He is still so adamant about it. He kept telling how I didn't care and won't take my explanation that for me, it was a small issue! AND I apologized later too! I asked him what I could do to make it right. I started hugging and kissing him but he kept pushing me away asking me to off / to go away. He said how my touch was making him feel "weird" and said I was a knob head / head/ stupid. I tried and tried but he won't listen. I was trying to be sweet but he would say something and get me worked up again and I would argue with him again. He kept saying how I didn't care and it was so clear, etc. I asked him straight out if we wanted to break up (because it felt like it for me) but he said he didn't want to but he kept saying how he really just wanted to go home and how he didn't want to see my face. I felt my skin crawl. With depression, I have lowest self confidence. When he said about touch and my face and wanting to get out, I felt like the most ugliest person with the most awful personality then. I felt so embarrassed and felt like I had the worst vibe and how he's right on not wanting to be with me then. He said I only want to cuddle and it didn't matter to me that it was him I was cuddling with, I would be happy to cuddle with anyone else - basically accusing me of using him. He told me clearly that he thinks I am selfish.

 

After giving him some space, I went back to him while he was trying to fall asleep. I apologized SO MUCH. SO MUCH. It was almost 30 minutes of me just saying I was sorry. But when I asked him to hug me or kiss me, he wouldn't. He said he was still mad at me. I gave up, went in the bathroom and cried. I knew he wouldn't come to console me. Now I am upstairs. With my dissertation on rocky road, feeling lowest self confidence, SCARED about being able to finish the report and just wanting to die. I told him some days back how I am getting suicidal thoughts and he did calm me down but now all this is making me feel SO SICK. Him and I are moving in together to this new house but if anything messes up, I would be homeless. I almost got another place worrying about this but I cancelled after seeing him change. I don't know what to do. He's a very good guy but I don't know how to deal with such issues. Any advice would be SO SO appreciated.

[MissCanuck]

Advice? You need to get away from this guy. Do not move in with him, whatever you do. You think it's bad now, just wait until you are in the same house. Seek out alternate arrangements for yourself.

 

He is not a good guy. He is verbally abusive and very disrespectful. I don't know what he was like before, but this is still no way to have a relationship. You being apologetic and sweet won't change who he is. He has bigger problems than you can solve. He sounds like an absolute jerk.

 

Please, listen to your gut screaming at you that this is not a relationship you should stay in. Your mental health is suffering and he is not someone you should be around. Do you have a trusted friend or family member you can speak to about this? Please call an emergency hotline in your area, sweetie.

[dep]

Advice? You need to get away from this guy. Do not move in with him, whatever you do. You think it's bad now, just wait until you are in the same house. Seek out alternate arrangements for yourself.

 

He is not a good guy. He is verbally abusive and very disrespectful. I don't know what he was like before, but this is still no way to have a relationship. You being apologetic and sweet won't change who he is. He has bigger problems than you can solve. He sounds like an absolute jerk.

 

Please, listen to your gut screaming at you that this is not a relationship you should stay in. Your mental health is suffering and he is not someone you should be around. Do you have a trusted friend or family member you can speak to about this? Please call an emergency hotline in your area, sweetie.

 

I haven't yet received the payment from the previous landlord so I don't really have the money for booking any other place. Also, because of his behaviour, I did break up once but we got back. He's been really sweet since then. But the arguments have been so horrible. When we broke up, he told his dad it's cancelled and then we got back together, his dad is making contract for me to move in, has started moving things out for us to move in there. I cannot cancel now. Especially with nowhere else to live. I can't talk to my parents since they're in another country and there's nothing they can do. I feel like I have let him down by wasting their money and I haven't spoken to them for days in a row.

 

I went downstairs to wake him up since it's evening here and he's been sleeping for a while. I started wondering if he was depressed since that is what I do when my depression gets worse - I sleep a lot. But he was so rude. He basically pushed me away not caring where or if I am getting hurt. I told him that I just came to check on him and to tell him to wake up or else he won't be able to sleep. After he pushed me, I just got off and I think he knew he crossed the line and he said "It's because you won't leave me alone. I am very tired and really need sleep"

 

I am scared to death and really wish I didn't have to go through life anymore. I have messed up every. single. thing.

[dep]

All my friends are in another city or country and the ones left here would be leaving in a day or two.

[dep]

Also, we have been living together for quite a while now. He comes and stays at mine with occasionally staying at his. I have to move my stuff to his place tomorrow and he knows that I would be the one to talk first because I need to ask about all the moving. I know a professor who is very sweet and I have met his family and they're very welcoming. I could keep my stuff at his place while looking for another place but I don't know if it's practical. To be honest, I am worried about my mental health going horrible if I break up. I don't have the mental strength to break up since I have no one I know here with me.

[MissCanuck]

I live abroad too.

 

The most toxic relationship I have ever had started shortly after I moved overseas. I also knew nobody, had zero family or friends around. I didn't speak the local language, I was unfamiliar with the culture. It's very isolating when you're away from home and in a dysfunctional relationship. I do understand where you're coming from.

 

However, one of the most empowering things I've ever done was to walk away anyway. No, it's not easy. And you will need to start creating your own support system and fostering friendships. You cannot stay with a man like this simply because leaving is hard. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but there are options if you work hard to find them. You think your mental health is bad now, but I promise you will get much worse if you stay with a guy who mistreats you and disrespects you the way this one does. This isn't love, girl.