Boyfriend lied to me

[Sunshine87]

So, I've been with my bf for a little over a year now. We live together so I would consider it pretty serious. I need some advice from people who don't know us.

He divorced his wife 5 years ago but still has some contact with her still because he let's her see his daughter occasionally. He will rarely see her at her work when he does construction for the company. He's told me in the past that he will let me know when he sees her at work because it's caused problems before since they will eat together or visit for a bit. Well, I felt like something was fishy so I looked at his phone and found several messages from his ex saying she would get him some food while he was there on two different days. I asked him if he had ran into her or visited with her while at her work and he said absolutely not and that she doesn't even work at that location. He's clearly lieing but I don't get why. This is bothering me because I'm wondering why he would be hiding this from me. Should I confront him and if so, how do I bring it up?

[Starlight925]

Here is your other thread, which ties very much into this one:

 

 

In which you talk about your boyfriend letting his ex-wife continue to see his daughter (she is not the mother) on a regular basis, and this upsets you.

 

So now, you find that he's still seeing his ex-wife for other reasons, and he's not only hiding it from you, he's lying to you about it.

 

Yes, you snooped, but you had reason to be suspicious, as you asked him about this, and he wasn't forthcoming.

 

First of all, his ex seeing his daughter on a continual, regular basis: I have to stand alone and agree with you. I would find this enormously uncomfortable. So she's going to stay in his life forever, and his daughter's life, even though she's his ex? I find that super odd. I guess it would be ok for special visits, once in a while, but this woman needs to check her boundaries, as she's putting herself out there as "bonus mom", rather than "aunt we see once in a while for special occasions". I would absolutely understand a special time, maybe a play, or a movie, but this every-other-weekend would not be ok with me. At all.

 

He's said, however, that this is how it's going to be, and that's that. And, he's allowing the boundaries to be blurred, by seeing her for lunch, and who knows what else.

 

None of this is ok in my book. You have made your feelings clear, as has he. Unfortunately, you either can accept it, or move on. There is no in-between.

[DanZee]

Reading this and your previous post, I think you should just drop this whole issue. Your boyfriend isn't having an affair with his ex. She's not coming over to have sex with him. She wants to visit the little girl and she's still friends with your bf. After all, they were a family for a while. And she's visiting the girl when you're there under your supervision. I think by acting jealous you've probably forced your bf to lie when he sees her because it's so apparent that you don't want him to have any contact with his ex-wife.

 

People are entitled to have friendships outside of relationships. You can't monopolize all of his time and try to wall him off from people he know. You're going to be responsible for losing him if you keep trying to push him away from his ex. Unless you find out something more, stop being jealous.

[indea08]

I agree with ever word LHgirl said.

[ThatwasThen]

I think he lied because he knows you and he knows how you would react. I haven't read your other thread but if she's seeing his daughter when you're there too then I think you really should learn to let go of any resentment, realize that she has learned to love the little girl and train yourself to be calm about it. If you can't do that, then just leave him now. I don't think its very fair on this little girl that women keep coming in and out of her father's life. What kind of lessons is he teaching her if he just discards women out of his life and HERS too?

[catfeeder]

My own private rule is that I won't involved myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex--in any way, shape or form beyond shared children--and you're learning WHY.

 

If the lease is his, I'd move out, and if the lease is mine, I'd ask him to move out. There's be zero room in my life for a threesome.

[Sunshine87]

Thank you all for your advice. I do have to say that the ex wife isn't seeing the child when I'm there. She gets her twice a month and takes her to do their own thing. I have however, come to terms to this since my last post with the great advice that I received. I'm just upset that he lied to me not to mention that the lie involved seeing his ex wife. It seemed to be a pretty innocent conversation via text which I wouldn't have been upset about had I had a heads up that she was here and they had contact. I guess I'm confused as to why the two of them push so hard to have a friendship considering they don't have kids together and were together less than a year. With that aside. Lieing in a relationship should never happen. If you're spending your life with someone you should be able to trust them. Am I right?

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you all for your advice. I do have to say that the ex wife isn't seeing the child when I'm there. She gets her twice a month and takes her to do their own thing. I have however, come to terms to this since my last post with the great advice that I received. I'm just upset that he lied to me not to mention that the lie involved seeing his ex wife. It seemed to be a pretty innocent conversation via text which I wouldn't have been upset about had I had a heads up that she was here and they had contact. I guess I'm confused as to why the two of them push so hard to have a friendship considering they don't have kids together and were together less than a year. With that aside. Lieing in a relationship should never happen. If you're spending your life with someone you should be able to trust them. Am I right?

Sure you're right. I didn't realize at the time of my posting that they were only a couple for less then a year. Knowing that changes my point of view somewhat. Can I ask if the daughter actually wants to spend time with this woman? Is she excited about spending these twice a month moments with her father's ex?

[Sunshine87]

She doesn't ask for her but when she's told that she's going she wants to. I'm not sure if she wants to go because she misses her or because she gets spoiled everytime. The ex takes her shopping or to fun places everytime since she only gets her for a few hours.