Moving in with partner and keeping it fair

[Idagirl]

A couple wants to move in

 

Partner #1 one 9 yr old child at home full time..makes $90,000 a year

And also gets $600 per month in social security for 9 yr old daughter. (Other parent past away a couple years ago from drug addiction, wasn't active in child's life from the start) puts half in saving for her college fund and uses the rest. Owns home...works anywhere from 8 to 16 hrs a day Monday - Friday

 

Partner #2, one 13 yr old daughter full time makes $30,000 a year.. no child support, works full time and OT as needed during busy seasons Monday - Friday.. will be giving up apartment and furniture unless they want to pay for a storage unit. Pays $700 per month plus all utilities for apartment now

 

Partner #1 asking $500 per month to go towards $1400 monthly mortgages payment and half the utilities on a large home, and doing the grocery shopping. Will not be getting married since partner #1 has done it twice already.

 

Partner #1 has depended on older daughter that doesn't live at home to step in as the absent parent role while working long hours. Birthday party planning, dentist and doctor appointments, haircut appointments, taking her to sport practices, shopping for clothes, christmas, holidays, picking up from daycare, and any other errands that need to be done that partner #1 is too busy to get to cause of long hours most days. This role will be given to Partner #2. Letting oldest daughter off the hook..

 

Does this sound fair? If not, what can be done different. Both Partners #1 and #2 need to feel they are gaining and no resentments build.

[melancholy123]

Hmmm...that's a tough one. At first glance $500 a month for person #2 seems steep to me when person #1 makes $90K year, which is triple what #2 makes. But then is the $90K after taxes? If not then the tax that person pays would be steep, plus that person gets $600 a month for a kid. Seems slanted to the benefit of #1, to me. Especially if #2 would be taking over the things the daughter currently does.

 

I assume you are person #2, is that right? What do you think of this deal?

[Capttrae]

It sounds ligit, seems like a good balance. I'll give you a break down of what me and my lady have planned out for when she moves to Ky after the school year ends. Incomes are pretty similar to yalls. I'll pay the house note ~650/month, car insurance, cell phone bills, she pays utilities and groceries, we both contribute to our kids college. Her son starts next year and mine the year after.

[Starlight925]

Partner #2: Why would this partner take on the role of caregiver for Partner #1's daughter? For that matter, why is older daughter taking care of younger daughter? Partner #1 needs to hire someone to care for this child: a part-time nanny, and that person will be responsible for these things, with Partner #2 helping. Older daughter should be off the hook, as this is not her daughter, nor should this be her responsibility. Can you spell resentment???

 

As far as finances, here's my advice: $90,000 + $30,000 = $120,000. Straight-up income.

$600/month x 12 months = $7200/year. Social security

Total income from both parties = $127,200. $90,000 = approximately 70% of the total income, and $30,000 = approximately 30% of the income.

 

Mortgage payment = $1400/month. Partner #1, who makes 70% of the income, should pay 70% of the mortgage payment, or $980/month.

Partner #2, who makes 30% of the income, should pay 30% of the mortgage payment, or $420/month.

 

Similarly, all monthly bills should be split as follows: Partner #1 = 70% Partner #2 = 30%

 

So....Partner #1 should pay 70% of everything, where Partner #2 should pay 30%.

 

Since Partner #1 owns the home, all equity earned remains in Partner #1's name, so in the event of a split, Partner #1 keeps equity. Unless both Partners put together a legal agreement, which I HIGHLY ADVISE.

[wom360]

Partner #2: Why would this partner take on the role of caregiver for Partner #1's daughter? For that matter, why is older daughter taking care of younger daughter? Partner #1 needs to hire someone to care for this child: a part-time nanny, and that person will be responsible for these things, with Partner #2 helping. Older daughter should be off the hook, as this is not her daughter, nor should this be her responsibility. Can you spell resentment???

 

As far as finances, here's my advice: $90,000 + $30,000 = $120,000. Straight-up income.

$600/month x 12 months = $7200/year. Social security

Total income from both parties = $127,200. $90,000 = approximately 70% of the total income, and $30,000 = approximately 30% of the income.

 

Mortgage payment = $1400/month. Partner #1, who makes 70% of the income, should pay 70% of the mortgage payment, or $980/month.

Partner #2, who makes 30% of the income, should pay 30% of the mortgage payment, or $420/month.

 

Similarly, all monthly bills should be split as follows: Partner #1 = 70% Partner #2 = 30%

 

So....Partner #1 should pay 70% of everything, where Partner #2 should pay 30%.

 

Since Partner #1 owns the home, all equity earned remains in Partner #1's name, so in the event of a split, Partner #1 keeps equity. Unless both Partners put together a legal agreement, which I HIGHLY ADVISE.

 

I would run this calculation then boil it down to one all inclusive number. Then I would have partner 2 sign a month to month rental agreement for room and board to protect partner 1's current and future home equity. If partner 2 is paying toward the mortgage, depending on the state, there could be a credible claim for equity when the breakup happens.

[Starlight925]

I would run this calculation then boil it down to one all inclusive number. Then I would have partner 2 sign a month to month rental agreement for room and board to protect partner 1's current and future home equity. If partner 2 is paying toward the mortgage, depending on the state, there could be a credible claim for equity when the breakup happens.

 

Exactly ^^^

 

No matter how "in love" you are, and how much you're looking forward to moving in together, please see a lawyer and get a legally binding agreement regarding finances, mortgage payment, equity, and future earnings. Shouldn't cost you more than a few hundred dollars, and the peace of mind will more than offset the cost.

[Idagirl]

I don't know how to do the quotations to reply to each of you individually.

 

Very great ideas! I love the number crunching. Very easy to put this into perspective financially.

 

Being partner #2 I have a few concerns about money. I'm always encouraging him to save his money even though he has plenty of it. Because I have so little and I live paycheck to paycheck I think it's important to save! When I say I'm running low on money (I never say this outloud around him, ugh embarrassing) is a lot different from when he says he's running low on money. We love each other and moving in together would definitely help him out but, I want to gain and be able to save money as well. At this point it just seems like a wash financially from where I am now, living on my own. . Except more responsibility helping him with his daughter and a longer commute to work.. Of course the thought of being with him every night would be heavenly! But I don't want that to turn sour from resentments.

 

In the state we reside in there is no common law marriage. If we did get married and divorced I'd be entitled to half of what we accumulated together during marriage.

 

As far as a nanny, boy that would be great once in awhile. I don't mind helping him out and she's for the most part a good girl but it will get exhausting! I've mentioned it before but, his daughter and family will help for free.

 

She doesn't know about her mother's drug addiction or what kind of a mom she was. She makes up stories in her head to glorify their relationship. Uses it against her dad and I when we show affection towards one another. Says some mean stuff to me, But I just roll with the punches and I'm grown up about it. She's still young

 

I'm going to talk to him about my fears and worries.

 

So thank you all for responding and being helpful and nice!

[Starlight925]

I

In the state we reside in there is no common law marriage. If we did get married and divorced I'd be entitled to half of what we accumulated together during marriage.

 

As far as a nanny, boy that would be great once in awhile. I don't mind helping him out and she's for the most part a good girl but it will get exhausting! I've mentioned it before but, his daughter and family will help for free.

 

Regardless of the laws in your state, please see a lawyer. I'm begging you.

 

Regarding his daughter working for free? Um, that help ain't for free. That help is gonna come with a lot of resentment for both her father and ultimately you. I know a nanny is tough, but I'm talking about a person, maybe 8 hours a week, to help with the chores involving the child. To give the older daughter some relief. And to relieve you of the responsibilities of doing all this stuff for his child which, IMO, is quite unfair.

 

Yep, just add what you both make, and apply the percentage to each of the bills, and voila.....you have a fair split of expenses. Especially since you'll be expected to add child chores to your responsibilities.

[Idagirl]

I'll suggest the nanny part again. Even a neighborhood mom that lives near by would be great. The oldest daughter needs her own life now. I think that's why she loves me so much. What's me to stick around. Ha! Being almost 40 and having a few failed relationship. I'll be smart. I wont give up my things without a backup plan just in case. I've learned that the hard way. If I don't think I can put money aside I won't make the move. I'll bring up the $420 a month, half utilities, and groceries. But I won't be a built in baby sitter day in and day out. He'll have to think about the nanny option 8 or so hrs a week. I'll just see what he says!

[indea08]

I think it does not matter AT ALL what we think is fair. It only matters that each partner feels that the "deal" is fair. Is this a relationship or business deal, because it sounds like it's all about who gains what and who compromises what.

[Idagirl]

Is this a relationship or business deal, because it sounds like it's all about who gains what and who compromises what.

 

In a way a relationship is a businessen deal.. or in better terms a partnership between 2 people. Work as team, feel comfortable with the deal and the business grows. So to answer you question would be be both.

[abitbroken]

If you will still live paycheck to paycheck living with him (he shouldn't have to subsidize you, of course) and aren't reaping the modest financial benefit/breathing room that you would as if you got a platonic roommate to live with you and your daughter and could potentially be paying even more than you are now ($200 less in rent, but would probably be paying higher utilities if they prefer a bigger cable package, the heat would be higher than in your apartment, the electricity for four people vs 2 in a much bigger place, and if he considered lawn service utilities) you need to see if this is a good move for you.

 

I would think that if he was asking you to move in and was already fine with paying the bills, he would want to see you do better and would want you to move in also so that you would have the ability to take a class to gain a better job position -- that's what teamwork does -- paying towards the bills, but not putting every penny towards it just so you could get a little farther ahead with your lot in life.

 

I would not pay a penny on his mortgage being that you are not his wife, nor are you are someone who is a co-owner and you will receive no equity should he sell the house or should you split up.

Also, his child gets the house that you put money into and your child has nothing if something should happen to the two of you unlike if you were able to put some money in savings or bought a small condo or small house for yourself instead of throwing money at rent every month.

 

Instead, he should pay 100% of the mortgage and the taxes and you should put most of the utilities in your name, except the water bill, because he as the homeowner has to be on that one.

This way, he is not playing landlord to you and trying to ask for money all the time and you are not playing bill collector to him. You pay the internet, cable, electricity, etc. That's a benefit to him because he now doesn't have to pay that. Or utilities that would be more or less representative of the $500, etc. And then obviously you have the sole power to cut costs by looking for better cable deals, etc.

 

Also, is this moving in together a benefit for your daughter at all ? Does his daughter even like her or get along with her even 10% -- will she be treated like she this is the home of your boyfriend and his daughter and she is an unwelcome visitor? Will it be "her house" too? How does your boyfriend feel about your daughter?

 

If he never wants to marry, have you considered looking into programs where you could buy a small modest house or condo instead of renting? In some areas, there are first time homebuyers, low income, etc, programs that help people get into houses or condos. It may not be much or be very small but at least you would have something to show for your money.

 

As far as the daughter -- are you just moving in or is this clearly seen on BOTH your parts as a commitment and not just a convenience for him. If you two were married -- his daughter would be your stepdaughter and of course -- you would take care of her, too. You wouldn't make your daughter an after school snack and say "you can't eat to" his daughter. She would be your new kid. She has no mother anymore. Imagine how that feels?