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Woah93

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I was in a long distance relationship for 7 months, 4 years friends prior to that, we shared everything together, and she was a huge part of my life. After about the 6 month mark I started changing toward her, I became distrustful, needy, clingy, controlling, sometimes even abusive. I don't know exactly where this came from, but it started when I noticed a disconnection, distance and coldness from her, then this mindset started creeping in... "is she cheating on me, is there someone else, has she stopped loving me... etc etc." and the more I asked the more defensive she became until all trust and safety between us was gone and it devolved into constant arguments...

 

Everytime after an argument I would apologize my ass off with the determination to change my behavior but then sooner or later small things would get to me again. She would no longer say I love you the way she used to, took hours to respond to texts, when she said goodnight I'm going to sleep, I see her online on whats app at 3 AM in the night and this fueled so many thoughts it made me into a neurotic mess, I noticed suddenly this new guy started liking all her facebook photos too... and she hid every reference of me from her social media... I felt neglected, exploited, used, but I keep thinking if this is because of my unattractive behavior or if my behavior started because I had this gut feeling... I obsess about figuring this out, and I cycle between hating her, loving her, then blaming myself, blaming her, finding a way to fix it, giving up, I'm a complete mess.

 

Anyway we had a holliday planned of 11 days in my town together, and 2 days before she came she broke up with me through Whats App, through text... she is still going but with a friend (girl) and now she is in the same place where I am and she is posting pictures of how much fun she is having, I wanted to let her reach out to me and keep my dignity but I gave in to the temptation and I messaged her pouring out how I felt, that I wanted us to start over, and as much as the old her was crazy about me, now she is a shell of that person, and she was icecold toward me, like I was a vague acquaintance.

She would not be mad, angry, or whatever but in a 'matter of fact' kind of way she says things like "Look, I see what your saying, and I agree, things wen't too fast, now I gotta sleep though, maybe I'll message you later. I just want you to be happy you know" and basically shuts me off again. Sporadically she opens up to me and I sense that she still cares a little but then it goes back to this icecold stonewalling.

 

So here I am at home, struggling with these obsessive thoughts, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop thinking about this, and meanwhile she is going with her friend to the festival we had plans and is partying, showing no sign of being affected at all.

 

I'm just so confused how a person can shut off feelings just like that, where before it was us against the world. We looked forward to this for a long time as we don't get to see each-other physically that much due to long distance, and now that she's here, she doesn't even care. I hate her so much, but I love her... Aaah... I don't know how to pull myself out of this, I feel like I'm losing it...

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Usually, these things don't just happen overnight, but from what you wrote, you started going crazy on her, as you said, even becoming abusive, and she decided that she needed to get out of the relationship. Simple as that. It was toxic to her. You've got to leave her alone because it will only get uglier if you keep bothering her. Keep in mind your behavior with this girl in your next relationship and try not to make the same mistakes. Perhaps even find a professional to talk to to try to curb your emotions.

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Also, don't keep giving her the power to hurt you. She has already showed you several times that she isn't being decent to you. You keep running back hoping for it to be different and like it used to be.

I understand that, I really do. But you are essentially breaking your own heart by allowing more hurt to come to you.

At some point you need to realize that it didn't work out and isn't working out.

 

Sometimes people can become somewhat addicted to another person, much like any other kind of addiction. You know it's not good for you, you know it is harming you, and you end up in a love/hate relationship like what you described. You hate her for needing her but you love her for giving you a temporary "fix" as well and the cycle continues.

Only you can stop it and tell yourself it's not right and it needs to end now.

Take care of your own heart.

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Yeah I have deleted her Whats App, and hid all facebook things, but sometimes I can't help checking, or I hear a song we used to share, there are so many things which reminds me of what we used to be like that I am basically dealing with a huge no-go zone in my mind to prevent going to that place again.

 

The thing that makes me the most sad is that my father growing up was abusive towards me and my mom too, and he was very paranoid about cheating, always suspicious always being passive agressive and I hate to admit I have become this myself, I talked to her about this and she knows me very well, and we always went into this both believing we could fight through anything. It was never my intention to become like this, but now when I talk to her the pain I feel makes me lash out and push her away even more every time, which is the last thing I want but somehow I am not able to let go and be myself anymore, because of how she is treating me At the start this went very well because when there was a problem we would communicate, but suddenly, she started pulling away, and when I asked, or expressed how I felt about it, she either denied it, said it wasn't her intention (even though the actions were there), or that she's tired or whatever, but I started having a powerful gut feeling that there was something off, either another guy came in the picture or she was deciding to call it quits, even before these things happened.

 

The biggest argument we've had confirmed my gut feeling and she told me that indeed she went into this relationship with one foot out the door, and that she never fully her heart into it... it crushed me. I kept asking if she wanted to do this and be with me or cut ties, and she kept saying yes one day, no the next, and yes the day after, never fully giving me a clear answer, while telling me "you know I would never lead you on right?" so that made me more angry because her words said one thing, but the actions showed the opposite, every time She did this for weeks and then 2 days before the trip she broke up, in a text...

 

This was my first serious relationship and I had no idea I had these controlling, jealous, paranoid qualities in me, but on the other hand I also feel used and neglected in the relationship because most of the time in the relationship this wasn't an issue. Maybe she never really loved me, but was just enjoying the early love chemicals and was done when that phase was over... I have no idea. I have scheduled an appointment with a psychologist and am planning to throw all of this on the table, as my suspicion is that this isn't so much about her, but it triggered a childhood trauma or something... This is what makes me so sad, that the past is ruining something that could have been amazing in the present...

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I personally think you need to take care of your heart now more than anything else. I don't know what her deal is with this meeting for 'closure" thing is but it sounds like all it will do is be another scenario for her to tell you she does not want you and for ego to be boosted to see you upset over it.

Don't do it.

I would possible say go if she had said she missed you and wanted to see if things could be worked out, but she didn't She just wants to makes you squirm some more and to let you see how little she cares.

It's not worth it.

She has done enough to make you feel unwanted and unloved. You don't need anymore closure than that.

Kindly decline and tell her you don't feel it's a good idea.

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Maybe you're right, it wasn't like this for the majority of the relationship though, and I do feel guilty for hurting her a lot during our relationship making it toxic? I guess that hope that if I just let her see that I can be different then she will come around is keeping me hopeful and trying, but your right, that it will probably cause more dissapointments, I don't know if it's her intention to use me to feed her ego... it's hard to believe she would do that... maybe I'm naive..

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I was in a long distance relationship for 7 months, 4 years friends prior to that, we shared everything together, and she was a huge part of my life. After about the 6 month mark I started changing toward her, I became distrustful, needy, clingy, controlling, sometimes even abusive. I don't know exactly where this came from, but it started when I noticed a disconnection, distance and coldness from her, then this mindset started creeping in... "is she cheating on me, is there someone else, has she stopped loving me... etc etc." and the more I asked the more defensive she became until all trust and safety between us was gone and it devolved into constant arguments...

 

Everytime after an argument I would apologize my ass off with the determination to change my behavior but then sooner or later small things would get to me again. She would no longer say I love you the way she used to, took hours to respond to texts, when she said goodnight I'm going to sleep, I see her online on whats app at 3 AM in the night and this fueled so many thoughts it made me into a neurotic mess, I noticed suddenly this new guy started liking all her facebook photos too... and she hid every reference of me from her social media... I felt neglected, exploited, used, but I keep thinking if this is because of my unattractive behavior or if my behavior started because I had this gut feeling... I obsess about figuring this out, and I cycle between hating her, loving her, then blaming myself, blaming her, finding a way to fix it, giving up, I'm a complete mess.

 

Anyway we had a holliday planned of 11 days in my town together, and 2 days before she came she broke up with me through Whats App, through text... she is still going but with a friend (girl) and now she is in the same place where I am and she is posting pictures of how much fun she is having, I wanted to let her reach out to me and keep my dignity but I gave in to the temptation and I messaged her pouring out how I felt, that I wanted us to start over, and as much as the old her was crazy about me, now she is a shell of that person, and she was icecold toward me, like I was a vague acquaintance.

She would not be mad, angry, or whatever but in a 'matter of fact' kind of way she says things like "Look, I see what your saying, and I agree, things wen't too fast, now I gotta sleep though, maybe I'll message you later. I just want you to be happy you know" and basically shuts me off again. Sporadically she opens up to me and I sense that she still cares a little but then it goes back to this icecold stonewalling.

 

So here I am at home, struggling with these obsessive thoughts, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop thinking about this, and meanwhile she is going with her friend to the festival we had plans and is partying, showing no sign of being affected at all.

 

I'm just so confused how a person can shut off feelings just like that, where before it was us against the world. We looked forward to this for a long time as we don't get to see each-other physically that much due to long distance, and now that she's here, she doesn't even care. I hate her so much, but I love her... Aaah... I don't know how to pull myself out of this, I feel like I'm losing it...

 

When you say you were abusive, you mean physically or emotionally. Whatever it is she is bitter toward you, and now she is being vindictive. If she wanted to leave you, it would have been done and over with. But now she knows your weaknesses, and she will exploit them until you she bleeds you dry. My suggestion to you is stop contact. I know it is hard, but it seems like her aim is not to be with you, but rob you of your dignity.

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When you say you were abusive, you mean physically or emotionally. Whatever it is she is bitter toward you, and now she is being vindictive. If she wanted to leave you, it would have been done and over with. But now she knows your weaknesses, and she will exploit them until you she bleeds you dry. My suggestion to you is stop contact. I know it is hard, but it seems like her aim is not to be with you, but rob you of your dignity.

 

What I mean with abusive is emotionally, being cold unresponsive, not replying when she really wanted to talk to me on her birthday, and several other times, breaking up with her, when she showed her love for me it went right past me and I ignored it, the fact that it's long distance, and I know she is going to university, when she goes to parties with her girlfriends it just made me have this pit in my stomach, and without really knowing she was doing anything wrong I already lashed out prematurely, there have been several occasions where she was just breaking down crying, and well, I felt like . Basically stuff like that, looking back I just didn't trust her... I can't really say why, she hasn't shown me a lot of reasons not to, except just these little things, like saying she was going to sleep but then seeing her online at 3 AM on whats app, which made me really wonder, who is she talking to, why did she say she was going to sleep etc, it may seem little but it put this seed of doubt and suspicion in my mind. I just know her and she wasn't like that in the beginning of our relationship, where she would constantly message me, and got worried when I did not reply in the afternoon, and gradually I noticed she just stopped being responsive, sometimes even just dissapearing in the middle of a text convo, without notifying me for an hour, which was so out of character, these things combined just made me think she found someone else or something was up and it kept nagging me. She denied it all, says she tried to give me everything and loved me so much all this time, but she past her limit, so I am kind of between thinking that it is a trust issue I am having, or if there is something my gut feeling has picked up that I haven't consciously.

 

When she was so cold I went completely cold and no contact 4 days ago, no text not anything, while she was here, I was just done. Yesterday I got a text message from her suddenly saying "Hey, sorry for not sending a message, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up on tuesday? Let me know..." I responded "Hmm, Okay I'll let you know." and that was the last contact we had.

 

That bleeding me dry was the feeling I've had, and what made me hate her so much, at the same time I just can't imagine she would do that, again maybe I'm naive... But what your saying is the same feeling I've had...

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