The heartbreak feels like it will never end

[Rjw716]

Long story short i am 16 and my girlfriend of roughly 10 months broke up with me about a month ago. It was a complete shock. I was totally blindsided. Looking back, there were some signs that she had been losing feelings, but it never once crossed my mind that she would break up with me. She said she really wanted to remain friends and i said ok. The next day i told her she might not here from me for a little bit as i thought it might be healthy for me to create space and try to get adjusted. Since then we have had a few short, casual conversations, the last being about a week ago. At this point, im honestly not sure if we are friends or not. My life has absolutely been reeling since the breakup. It has been a month and im not sure i can say i have made any significant progress in moving on. I do feel that i have made some improvements (i have started to hang out w friends, i dont feel quite as lonely) but overall my life still feels like a living hell. I am starting with a therapist next saturday and hoping that may provide some releif. I have been suffering from extreme anxiety, sadness, hurt, anger, guilt and many other painful, jumbled up feelings. I have crying figs throughout the day, usually at least 3 or 4 times. The mornings tend to be the worst time for me. Most nights i dream about her and wake up in a state of panic and writhing pain. Lately i have been thinking that i wish i hadnt woken up. I have a hard time grasping the whole thing and i really am having difficulty accepting. I think the reason for my acceptance issues is that i was so shocked and i also am a person who gets extremely attached and doesnt like change. Its like my life has been this hazy blur. I try to avoid stalking her social media, but often times i give in. Even if i dont stalk her profiles, i still see the things she posts and it causes me even greater anxiety and pain. It can be stuff completely unrelated to the my situation but still, seeing her just looking so normal and ok and not in pain brings all of the emotions flooding back. I know it would be best to unfollow or un-ad her on all social media but i am really not sure i can bring myself to do that. How can she be so ok? We were mad about each other for nearly a year, most times it even seemed she was more into me than i was her. None the less though, i was so confident that our relationship would never end. We just clicked and bad the absolute deepest trust in each other. Now i feel that my trust has been betrayed. One reason i liked her so much was that she was incredibly sensitive and careful with other peoples feelings. I am a sensitive person and i could tell her how i felt and she truly cared about my feelings and wanted me to be happy. Just none of it makes sense to me. How could her feelings change so much so quickly. To me, at least, love, or so i thought, is a concrete feeling. If i love someone and care about them and they are an important part of my life, than i will never stop feeling that way about them. I just dont get it. She is about a year younger than me so we are both very young, so maybe the drastic change in her feelings is somewhat due to emotional immaturity. We havent seen each other in a month, and we have barely spoken during that month. How can she be ok with that? We talked all day every day and hung out as much as possible during our relationship. How can she be ok with the fact that we are so distant now. We did everything together it felt like we were always right by each others side and now its like we are strangers. The more time goes by i become terrified that me and her are just becoming a memory, that the relationship is being left behind and is a thing of the past. I am suffering from depression and thinks have just been extremely rough. I want her back so bad and i would do anything, and i am having a really hard time accepting that its over. I dont know what to think or where to go. It feels like this absolutely will never end. School starts in a few weeks and im terrified. The thought of seeing her is terrifying and i have great anxiety from the thought of her flirting or being with any other guys. It feels like i am being completely ripped apart inside. I know these things take time, but it feels like it will never end. It feels good to get everything in writing and out there. Do you guys have any advice. I know the basic keep busy, avoid her, etc. but any words of encouragement or advice would be great. It always feels better to know that im not alone, and other people have been through this and come out the other side, as impossible as that may seem to me right now. Thank you for reading, any replies would be greatly appreciated.

 

-your friend, roman