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Question About Multi-Dating And Sex


katrina1980

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To me the following is not semantics -would you really want to be committed to someone who saw commitment as only a label?

 

Well I've never been a huge fan of "labels" I only used that terminology in response to reinvent's post wherein she commented that I've entered into a "relationship" that is not yet defined.

 

I don't need for it to be defined; if you are familiar with my posts, to me commitment comes from the heart anyway, which is why I've never been a huge fan of the "exclusivity talk" at all (or even marriage for that matter). Anything could change at any time (and often does) so why discuss and agree to it in the first place?

 

Let your feelings/connection be your guide, not to mention this "relationship" is so far from commitment at this point, it's futile to even be mentioning it.

 

It's casual and non-exclusive, which is how we both want it right now. If and when that ever changes, we will discuss it.

 

Again realize this way of thinking is way out of the box for most people, which is fine, I do what works for me and the men I get involved with.

 

For the first time in my life, I am making my own rules and doing what I am comfortable with, instead of allowing my insecure, possessive boyfriends to dictate how it should be, which felt very restricted and suffocating (for me).

 

And I found a guy who is on the same exact page!

 

And it feels so good!

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I think I understand this. What good is telling you I am committed, if we are exchanging those sentences before we feel authentically committed? People do that all the time: we enter into exclusive dating relationships and co-mingle that with an expressed or implied commitment to one another... and then something happens, we reconsider our alternatives, and we move on. I have always struggled with the idea of commitment, unless we are marriage-bound, and am quite sensitive to the idea of commitment by obligation versus by desire.

 

I would like someone to WANT to be committed to me, and then to communicate same.

 

SO TO YOUR POINT BATYA, (not meaning to scream, oops, feeling a little lightheaded today) it is not just a label. It often is used that way though and maybe that is what was meant.

 

I haven't had that experience including not vicariously. In my experience people commit out of desire with the exception being people viewing it as just a label and not meaning to be emotionally committed.

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Agree and I could go on a rant about the bolded lol, but will refrain.

 

I think I've pretty much said enough already! thought you wanted feedback?

Is this off the table now?

 

I do want to add that you made the point that your discussion was pretty much pillow talk.

 

You're a savvy lady Kat, but surely you know that people, you included will say almost anything when our hormones are lit up.

 

I dont want to throw cold water on this. Ill put this out there and I'll leave it be.

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I thought you wanted feedback?

Is this off the table now?

 

I do want to add that you made the point that your discussion was pretty much pillow talk.

 

You're a savvy lady Kat, but surely you know that people, you included will say almost anything when our hormones are lit up.

 

I dont want to throw cold water on this. Ill put this out there and I'll leave it be.

 

Yes of course I want feedback, I just think I talk too much sometimes, so figured I'd shut up for awhile. lol

 

In response though reinvent, we talked *after* sex (while still in bed), so hormones were fine, but seriously, isn't this more or less what I've been saying throughout this thread anyway, before sex even happened?

 

It appears because sex happened, suddenly that is supposed to change everything? If so, why? Not getting that.

 

So no I actually don't consider it mere pillow talk, we have had a grand total of four dates, so it's way too soon for any sort of exclusivity or commitment anyway, imo..

 

And no I am not afraid of being "used" for sex (if that is what some others are thinking

 

I am very in tune with "energy" between myself and another person, and believe me we've got some great energy going on (mental and physical) so all good there.

 

Also, I was asked earlier what my goal is. After thinking more about it, is it really necessary to even have a goal at this point?

 

What's so wrong with two people enjoying each other, being open and involved and simply allowing their connection to take them wherever it's meant to take them?

 

And even IF it does lead to commitment, I believe two people should define for themselves what that commitment means to them as a unique couple, instead of how 'others' define it or, gasp, how society defines it.

 

What's interesting is that I feel "safer" doing it this way rather than if he had "locked me down" into exclusivity like my ex(s) did. Which they only did out of insecurity anyway.

 

Frankly I don't want to be locked down, I want to remain free and open as I also happen to believe when a couple feels free and open and not so "locked in" or "boxed in," the less desire they have to escape that box which often leads to cheating, lying, deception, IMO. Which is so prevalent in society today, it's ridiculous!

 

Ironically, allowing each other to feel free and open often leads to a couple becoming closer and even more vulnerable with each other, as again they are not so preoccupied with escaping that "box" they feel so locked into. It feels more honest to me.

 

So they are free to love each other without feeling restricted or boxed in to some arbitrary role society has defined for them.

 

So yeah I am totally good with all this.

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Agree and I could go on a rant about the bolded lol, but will refrain.

 

I think I've pretty much said enough already!

 

I'm not sure if you're ranting about what I wrote -we have different experiences about how people treat committing to each other. No worries!

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"And even IF it does lead to commitment, I believe two people should define for themselves what that commitment means to them as a unique couple, instead of how 'others' define it or, gasp, how society defines it.

 

What's interesting is that I feel "safer" doing it this way rather than if he had "locked me down" into exclusivity like my ex(s) did. Which they only did out of insecurity anyway.

 

Frankly I don't want to be locked down, I want to remain free and open as I also happen to believe when a couple feels free and open and not so "locked in" or "boxed in," the less desire they have to escape that box which often leads to cheating, lying, deception, IMO. Which is so prevalent in society today, it's ridiculous!

 

Ironically, allowing each other to feel free and open often leads to a couple becoming closer and even more vulnerable with each other, as again they are not so preoccupied with escaping that "box" they feel so locked into. It feels more honest to me.

 

So they are free to love each other without feeling restricted or boxed in to some arbitrary role society has defined for them.

 

So yeah I am totally good with all this. "

 

OK now that puts your thread in perspective. You seem to have more negative views of commitment than positive as far as why people do it and whether "society" has the impact you believe it does (I'm not saying it has no impact just not to the extremes in your opinion -I have a different experience/opinion). So I think that colors your particular reasoning as to whether/when/under what circumstances to be committed to someone else.

 

I felt much much freer to be myself and express myself and be open to my partner once we were exclusive - nothing to do with whether we were having sex or not either. You feel the opposite -interesting!

 

I don't think being committed leads to cheating or deception. If someone feels locked down by commitment they are not truly committed in the first place -not from the heart anyway and not in a healthful way. I think what leads to cheating and deception are people's choices which are mostly based on their individual values (including values that justify choosing to get drunk/high in situations where it's playing with fire as far as then leading to choices to have sex with others, behave inappropriately, etc)

 

Nothing wrong with casual sex between single adults, of course! Glad you're having fun!

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Thanks Batya.

 

No I don't necessarily have a negative view of commitment per se, I just think there are many different nuances and that each couple should define for themselves what commitment means to them, and what works for them as a couple.

 

If what works for them doesn't match what works for another couple, like say you and your husband for example, that's okay. Doesn't mean our view is "negative." Just different.

 

What I do find negative are strictly defined "roles," and any sort of rigidity, in relationships and in life. Doesn't work for me.

 

Re what my new guy and I are developing, I can honestly say I have never felt so open to be myself with any other man in my entire life with the exception of my dad. Not even my six year ex!

 

We talk about everything, no-holds-barred. No judgments, only acceptance. And HE has been through a ton of * too, and has experienced things that would have most women running. Nothing negative, not to me, just atypical.

 

Being that I have only known him a short while, I find this pretty amazing!

 

So just gonna enjoy it and see where it leads. And will say goodbye to this thread (for now), to do just that.

 

It was an awesome discussion, and it even allowed me to get more in touch with myself and what I truly want/need on a deeper level.

 

So thanks guys!!!

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Thanks Batya.

 

No I don't necessarily have a negative view of commitment per se, I just think there are many different nuances and that each couple should define for themselves what commitment means to them, and what works for them as a couple.

 

If what works for them doesn't match what works for another couple, like say you and your husband for example, that's okay. Doesn't mean our view is "negative." Just different.

 

What I do find negative are strictly defined "roles," and any sort of rigidity, in relationships and in life. Doesn't work for me.

 

Re what my new guy and I are developing, I can honestly say I have never felt so open to be myself with any other man in my entire life with the exception of my dad. Not even my six year ex!

 

We talk about everything, no-holds-barred. No judgments, only acceptance. And HE has been through a ton of * too, and has experienced things that would have most women running. Nothing negative, not to me, just atypical.

 

Being that I have only known him a short while, I find this pretty amazing!

 

So just gonna enjoy it and see where it leads. And will say goodbye to this thread (for now), to do just that.

 

It was an awesome discussion, and it even allowed me to get more in touch with myself and what I truly want/need on a deeper level.

 

So thanks guys!!!

 

What I find negative is presuming that many people feel "trapped" in a committed relationship, that they agree to commitment out of obligation or because of society, and that commitment is the cause of cheating/deception/lying. Yes, of course that is an "individual" definition of commitment but I was talking more about your opinion that this is true of "many" as opposed to unusual, rare or a minority (which is why I said I think I have a more positive experience of commitment -I see what you wrote as true for the minority and for those who view commitment that way they are not truly committed if you define commitment as involving the heart, and they are not committed in a healthful way either)

 

I agree too that each couple can define what commitment means to them - I wasn't responding to that in the least --just your mindset on what commitment means too often -and what you presume it means is by any definition negative - "trapped" "leads to cheating" "based just on society", what your boyfriend pushed you to do based on his insecurities, etc. - nothing in those presumptions is positive and if you truly believe that is true of "many" who commit it's no wonder that you're not a fan of being committed in general and you're not going to push it. If I felt the way you did, I wouldn't either.

 

I'm glad you're having fun and feel open to be yourself with this person so far. That's certainly positive.

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What I find negative is presuming that many people feel "trapped" in a committed relationship, that they agree to commitment out of obligation or because of society, and that commitment is the cause of cheating/deception/lying. Yes, of course that is an "individual" definition of commitment but I was talking more about your opinion that this is true of "many" as opposed to unusual, rare or a minority (which is why I said I think I have a more positive experience of commitment -I see what you wrote as true for the minority and for those who view commitment that way they are not truly committed if you define commitment as involving the heart, and they are not committed in a healthful way either)

 

I agree too that each couple can define what commitment means to them - I wasn't responding to that in the least --just your mindset on what commitment means too often -and what you presume it means is by any definition negative - "trapped" "leads to cheating" "based just on society", what your boyfriend pushed you to do based on his insecurities, etc. - nothing in those presumptions is positive and if you truly believe that is true of "many" who commit it's no wonder that you're not a fan of being committed in general and you're not going to push it. If I felt the way you did, I wouldn't either.

 

I'm glad you're having fun and feel open to be yourself with this person so far. That's certainly positive.

 

I suppose my past experiences (my environment growing up mostly) have colored by perceptions; my parents had a very traditional marriage and my dad cheated on my mom for years. I recall one time when I first moved to California, he came to visit (he was married to my step-mom at the time whom he left my mom for) and called another woman to have dinner from my apartment! She was an old neighbor; I used to babysit her kids!

 

Not sure what he was thinking there doing something like that right in front of me, but there were a few other incidents like this as well that I witnessed, a few when I was quite young (in my mid-teens). So yeah it really sort of soured me on "traditional" marriage and relationships. My brothers as well, one quite severely in fact, but with the help of a good therapist, he's trying to sort it all out.

 

Nevertheless, I went on to have "traditional" relationships with men who were quite demanding from the get go, and as stated throughout this thread, lead me into exclusivity very early on (which I thought was the right thing to do) that were very intense, and at times were overwhelming for me. I did well to hide it, which was my bad and take responsibility for.

 

And my last long term ex, well, as I said in retrospect I feel like I was living in never-never land because who he projected himself to be was nothing like who he actually was (a meth and coke addict among other things). Yet he claimed I was the "love of his life" and totally "committed" to me.

 

So. Yes all this has colored how I view relationships.

 

All that said though, to repeat I am simply "trying this on" to see how it works for me. So far it's working but then again we have only had four dates (lots of emailing in between). Fifth date on Saturday.

 

So time will tell I suppose, and if and when I am no longer comfortable with the non-exclusive arrangement we have now, of course I will discuss with him.

 

But what's interesting is that even though this is non-exclusive and casual, we both have admitted to feeling more open and more comfortable than we have with anyone else. Opening up about so many things, no holds barred with no judgments, just acceptance. Which is so awesome!

 

So who the hell knows!

 

Anyway again thanks to you and everyone for chiming in!

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I completely understand why you might have that view!

 

I wouldn't connect up the open feeling to the non-exclusive part -at least, don't presume that at this early stage. For example I always felt more open, freer and myself once we were exclusive and committed -so for me there was that connection to an extent. I would just if it's ok to chime in, continue to go with the flow -since it's casual for now there's no need to have any long term goals, think about long term goals or think about potential for the future except having fun getting to know each other. I think (and this might be cynical!) that it's very easy to feel accepted/open when you barely know the person, especially when there's sex involved because the physical pleasure with someone you barely know (pun intended) can make it seem like no holds barred even more.

 

Before you know each other's flaws/quirks/idiosyncracies -before you know how he reacts when he's sick, when family is around, during holidays, when there's a power outage, when he gets a promotion at work - it's so much easier to be open as you describe. So much less at stake, so much less that you really know about the person -you're being open in part with your image of him and since you're a person who delves deep, then over time it will be far more reality and less of an image.

 

Reality might make you feel more open, less open or the same but you'll be reacting to who you've gotten to know over time rather than for 4 dates. I think it's great that you're communicating so much between dates but to me nothing replaces knowing someone over a longer period of time when you get to see how they are through typical life experiences/seasons, etc. JMHO!

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Re what my new guy and I are developing, I can honestly say I have never felt so open to be myself with any other man in my entire life with the exception of my dad. Not even my six year ex!

 

We talk about everything, no-holds-barred. No judgments, only acceptance. And HE has been through a ton of * too, and has experienced things that would have most women running. Nothing negative, not to me, just atypical.

 

Being that I have only known him a short while, I find this pretty amazing!

 

Since you're leaving the thread Katrina I will write this for anyone concidering adding sex to multidating. I feel it's a definite bad idea. At this point, when you describe the man you've been on 4 dates with as 'my' new guy. You're claiming him, consciously or not. Sex changed things without a shadow of doubt and without a shadow of doubt these other men have become backups. I think hanging onto them at this point is a crutch and quite frankly a little unfair to them.

 

Sex has also seemed to cause you to jump into things head first. The way you describe your 'connection' this early on? It's not cautious, it's not taking things slow, it's not exploring. Your old habits are very much alive and you've fallen right into them. The only difference is no labels are being used and you've given him freedom to go sleep with other women which may very well hurt you.

 

Mind you, Im not saying any of this as a negative. I was wary of the concept of multidating and was very interested to see how it turned out for you. It doesn't seem to have changed how you approach dating though and I think that's ok. We are who we are.

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Thanks again Batya, you're awesome for continuing to chime in.

 

But tbh, the openness and comfort level was there pretty much from the getgo, so don't think that was colored by the sex at all. That said and speaking only for myself here, I do feel closer after having sex. At this point, I can only hope he feels the same too, at this early stage I am certainly not going to ask him!

 

But what's interesting is that, since having sex, there has been no slowing down of attention or communique on either of our parts, and again speaking only for myself, whereas I usually prefer a bit of space, especially in early stages, for some reason I don't need any space from him at all!

 

Love hearing from him every day, and often times we chat for hours; Monday night for example I stayed at the office till 10:00 pm because we couldn't stop chatting (over email).

 

I don't know it just feels "different" from the others, there is no other way to describe it really.

 

But I totally get what you're saying too, right now we are infatuated and we need to spend more time together, experiencing "life" together and how we react and respond in different situations.

 

I have no doubt eventually there will be some sort of shift, hell it can't go on like this forever! Or can it, like I said before, who the hell knows!

 

Right now we're having a blast so going to focus on that and deal with anything else that pops up, later (assuming we continue seeing each other that is).

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Since you're leaving the thread Katrina I will write this for anyone concidering adding sex to multidating. I feel it's a definite bad idea. At this point, when you describe the man you've been on 4 dates with as 'my' new guy. You're claiming him, consciously or not. Sex changed things without a shadow of doubt and without a shadow of doubt these other men have become backups. I think hanging onto them at this point is a crutch and quite frankly a little unfair to them.

 

Sex has also seemed to cause you to jump into things head first. The way you describe your 'connection' this early on? It's not cautious, it's not taking things slow, it's not exploring. Your old habits are very much alive and you've fallen right into them. The only difference is no labels are being used and you've given him freedom to go sleep with other women which may very well hurt you.

 

Mind you, Im not saying any of this as a negative. I was wary of the concept of multidating and was very interested to see how it turned out for you. It doesn't seem to have changed how you approach dating though and I think that's ok. We are who we are.

 

I get what you're saying, and not sure if this makes sense, but for me it's more of a "mind frame" -- knowing I have the "option" to date other men should I want to.

 

Unlike my other boyfriends (not all but most), he's not pushing (pressuring) for anything more than I am ready, willing or capable of giving (nor am I pushing HIM to give more), and for this reason, I feel more open and more free to give more!

 

Funny how that works.

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I get what you're saying, and not sure if this makes sense, but for me it's more of a "mind frame" -- knowing I have the "option" to date other men should I want to.

 

Unlike my other boyfriends (not all but most), he's not pushing (pressuring) for anything more than I am ready, willing or capable of giving (nor am I pushing HIM to give more), and for this reason, I feel more open and more free to give more!

 

Funny how that works.

 

Well he's not because this arrangement suits him. Just be open also to not hearing from him every night because he is keeping his options open too and might be out with someone else. And he probably shouldn't be open about who he's with when he's not with you -that's open but also tactless IMO. If discussing commitment would feel like pressure at all then obviously it's not right for either of you.

 

I don't agree with figureitout about sex - for me it would definitely be true and that is why I never had casual sex (with an exception of having sex without exclusivity with an ex when we were considering getting back together -big mistake). I completely believe that people have individual reactions to sex and who am I to say whether it would make you more or less attached. You're an adult, you know the risks and benefits.

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Well he's not because this arrangement suits him.

 

Yes of course it suits him, it suits me too, which is precisely why it's working right now!

 

I am also not blind to the fact he is going out with other women (don't ask, don't tell); to reiterate what I said earlier, at the moment I don't feel threatened by that (not sure why but I don't); I have faith and trust in our connection and am focusing on that.

 

Could all this blow up in my face? Of course, but it's a risk I am willing to take because no matter what happens, I know in the end I will be OKAY.

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Yes of course it suits him, it suits me too, which is precisely why it's working right now!

 

I am also not blind to the fact he is going out with other women; to reiterate what I said earlier, at the moment I don't feel threatened by that (not sure why but I don't); I have faith and trust in our connection and am focusing on that.

 

Could all this blow up in my face? Of course, but it's a risk I am willing to take because no matter what happens, I know in the end I will be OKAY.

 

Of course -we're in agreement -exactly what I wrote above. My question is - if he doesn't keep staying in touch regularly because he's busy that night either dating or socializing or just out - will you be ok with not knowing whether it's one of the above (because I doubt you would pry into what he's doing during the time he's not with you) - hopefully you'll also be out so you won't notice -it just struck me in your post that you said he is in touch a lot and regularly and that's actually easy to get attached to -and can be really challenging if that changes AND you're not in an arrangement where it's appropriate to ask what's going on

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Of course -we're in agreement -exactly what I wrote above. My question is - if he doesn't keep staying in touch regularly because he's busy that night either dating or socializing or just out - will you be ok with not knowing whether it's one of the above (because I doubt you would pry into what he's doing during the time he's not with you) - hopefully you'll also be out so you won't notice -it just struck me in your post that you said he is in touch a lot and regularly and that's actually easy to get attached to -and can be really challenging if that changes AND you're not in an arrangement where it's appropriate to ask what's going on

 

Bolded, just going on how I've handled this type of thing in the past, if he's not in touch every day, I would be absolutely fine with that. In fact, it surprises me now that he keeps in touch every day (or nearly every day). I do not expect this to last, eventually there is going to be a shift, which I will be fine with. Flexibility is one of my best traits!

 

Last Friday night I am pretty sure he had another date (I didn't hear from him all day). I will admit I felt a little "tinge" of "hmmm, wondering what he's doing," but I talked myself out of it, figured he had another date which I was actually okay with. And I met a friend of mine for drinks and dinner.

 

Batya, just to know, if I sound adversarial with you, I don't mean to. I so much appreciate your support and encouragement despite the fact that you and I feel somewhat differently about how we approach these things, especially how we approach sex.

 

But honestly, as much as I am enjoying this right now, I am not lost on the fact it could all end tomorrow.

 

Like I said, if that should happen, while I will definitely be disappointed for sure, I will be okay.

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Not adversarial at all! I once joked with my husband when we were dating (he is very traditional, reserved, etc) "so um if I have sex with you tonight will you call me tomorrow??" he said "sure -I'll just roll over tomorrow and call "hey wanna have sex again??" (since this was many years ago that might not be exactly verbatim but you get the drift"

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I get what you're saying, and not sure if this makes sense, but for me it's more of a "mind frame" -- knowing I have the "option" to date other men should I want to.

 

Unlike my other boyfriends (not all but most), he's not pushing (pressuring) for anything more than I am ready, willing or capable of giving (nor am I pushing HIM to give more), and for this reason, I feel more open and more free to give more!

 

Funny how that works.

 

I think what the two of you are doing is great. Open communication and mutual respect. I think it's awesome and I'm very happy for you, because I think you deserve it.

 

All I'm saying is I don't think this qualifies as multidating anymore. Which, again, is not nessesarily a bad thing, you unexpectedly found a deep connection with someone. Bravo! That's awesome. BUT, I personally think the other guys should probably be given some sort of heads up. I'm not nessesarily saying you have to run out today and end it with them. Just if this continues at this pace, the more time that passes the more things are going to be stacked against the others. Guy A has a huge advantage right now and I think eventually it's only going to be fair to let the others know.

 

Just a random example. You two aren't exclusive so let's say guy A asks me on a date and I accept. Unbeknownst to me, I'm starting off at a disadvantage. Let's say guy A dislikes red nail polish. Let's say I wear red nail polish to our date. Guy A decides eh this chicks not for me. Not because it's something that bothers him to that extent but because he has a connection with you, any little negative thing I do will be amplified. I'm unknowingly being compared to you. It's kinda the same as people dating before they're over an ex wife or girlfriend. People are always told to stay away and it's for a reason. Their relationship isn't going to have a fair chance to start because their heart is already preoccupied. I hope I'm making sense, I'm kinda everywhere, lol.

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I think what the two of you are doing is great. Open communication and mutual respect. I think it's awesome and I'm very happy for you, because I think you deserve it.

 

All I'm saying is I don't think this qualifies as multidating anymore. Which, again, is not nessesarily a bad thing, you unexpectedly found a deep connection with someone. Bravo! That's awesome. BUT, I personally think the other guys should probably be given some sort of heads up. I'm not nessesarily saying you have to run out today and end it with them. Just if this continues at this pace, the more time that passes the more things are going to be stacked against the others. Guy A has a huge advantage right now and I think eventually it's only going to be fair to let the others know.

 

Just a random example. You two aren't exclusive so let's say guy A asks me on a date and I accept. Unbeknownst to me, I'm starting off at a disadvantage. Let's say guy A dislikes red nail polish. Let's say I wear red nail polish to our date. Guy A decides eh this chicks not for me. Not because it's something that bothers him to that extent but because he has a connection with you, any little negative thing I do will be amplified. I'm unknowingly being compared to you. It's kinda the same as people dating before they're over an ex wife or girlfriend. People are always told to stay away and it's for a reason. Their relationship isn't going to have a fair chance to start because their heart is already preoccupied. I hope I'm making sense, I'm kinda everywhere, lol.

 

It's never completely equal. The point is they are not exclusive -he can date anyone he wants and so can she. If she meets someone who catches her eye then she can say nothing unless he tells her at some point that he's feeling serious about her and would like to talk about commitment. Then she can tell him that she's not ready. If she was exclusive it would be cheating to date others and unfair to a guy who thought she was "single". She is single. If you go on a date with someone you have to assume they may be crushing on someone else, dating someone else, looking to date someone else. So it is multidating because both of them are leaving their options open.

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Hey figureitout, thanks so much for your well wishes!!

 

I'm not really dating any other guys right now though; I mean it's not like I have some sort of rotation going on or anything.

 

I do have a meet up I'm going to tonight though, it's a weekly meet up every Tuesday evening (men and women) and we sit around drinking beer or wine and "shoot the shyt" about various topics.

 

Tomorrow night I have a date with another man but not sure I even want to go now; although I probably should if for no other reason than because I made the date and don't like to flake. And also because maybe dating other guys will keep me from getting too attached to current guy.

 

But yeah I think you're right, no other guy really stands a chance (right now anyway but that could change) so not sure if it's fair to go out with anyone else at all (even though HE may be and probably IS). And I am not really one to have a bunch of "orbiters" hanging around either; I've never needed that kind of attention or "ego boost" or whatever reason women have for entertaining orbiters while dating one particular guy they really like (and are having sex with).

 

So tbh I don't quite know what I am going to do just yet, I am still figuring all this out!

 

I guess for now it's just nice and sort of a freeing feeling knowing I have the option if that makes sense.

 

I don't really know how else to explain other than that.

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It's never completely equal. The point is they are not exclusive -he can date anyone he wants and so can she. If she meets someone who catches her eye then she can say nothing unless he tells her at some point that he's feeling serious about her and would like to talk about commitment. Then she can tell him that she's not ready. If she was exclusive it would be cheating to date others and unfair to a guy who thought she was "single". She is single. If you go on a date with someone you have to assume they may be crushing on someone else, dating someone else, looking to date someone else. So it is multidating because both of them are leaving their options open.

 

Thank you, this was extremely helpful and makes a lot of sense!

 

And after reading, think I will keep that date tomorrow night after all.

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it seems to me this is pretty traditional behavior, multidating. That it be me a lost art now being renewed due to the number of adult singles in modern culture. That the rules are the same as always - handle your business so that it never becomes anyone else's business.

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And after reading, think I will keep that date tomorrow night after all.

 

Absolutely! I thought there were others in the picture. So oops kind of changes things. No ones on 'hold' right now so you're good.

 

I'm not saying completely go hermit and put all your attention on this one guy. I guess what I'm saying is don't become 'that girl' who as you say has a bunch of 'orbiters' or 'safety nets' because no one else compares to this guy, but she wants a distraction to keep her from getting too attached.

 

I honestly thought there were like 2 other guys and my first thought was 'see this isn't working she isn't even mentioning the other guys anymore.' So yeah deffinetely changes things. If you're going on a new date, go in with an open mind and don't compare them to guy A. Keep yourself fully open for each potential guy.

 

Me personally, if I'm being completely honest, I don't think you will be able to do that because you seem pretty smitten with guy A, but I'm going to keep an open mind and see how you navigate things 😊

 

I'm still not a fan of multidating but I'm excited to see how this turns out for you.

 

Good luck tomorrow!

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