I Could Use Some Advice...

[kang98]

So, I find that my husband displays some passive/aggressive behaviors at times. A little background to start. He spent almost five years working overseas, and had a maid the entire time who did everything but cook. So his laundry was always done, everything was ironed, and put away.

He also had an enormous amount of

closet space. (I mention this for a reason.)

Fast forward to the present (four years later). We have been together for almost 10 years, but spent half of that in different worlds. Not having a maid anymore was an adjustment for him, I know. I work full time just like he does, we have three kids, and another on the way. My oldest two boys help out with the laundry. My husband hasn't done a load since returning from overseas. After my boys fold clothes, they put them in a basket in our room. Now, I don't always put the clothes away immediately, and he doesn't put them away ever, so sometimes in the morning while he's getting ready for work, he will unload all of the clothes onto the bed, and at times, like this morning, I found the basket on the floor across the room upside down. It was apparent to me that he had thrown it i

out of frustration. He gets aggravated when he clothes aren't folded properly by the boys and then in turn about any wrinkles. I have told him in the past that if he doesn't like how they do it, he should do it himself. He told me to teach them how to iron, which I have not done because well, either of us could do that. He was taught to iron at a young age like me and also was in the military. We have both taken the time to show the boys how to properly fold, but they are 12 and 13. Sometimes they do it correctly, sometimes they rush. I usually end up refolding my husbands clothes when I put them away.

Anyhow, even though I am off in the summer, I don't always get around to taking care of the clothes in the basket, let along ironing. Yes, I'm off, but I am taking grad classes still, manage a rental property, still handle other household chores, prepare meals, and run the kids everywhere. We've also had an extra trying summer with our oldest son (Long story.) I also do these things when I am working full time as well.

So this morning while he was upstairs getting angry at the laundry, I was downstairs asleep on the couch because I had difficulty falling asleep last night. Once he made his way downstairs, he turned on the light that's directly in front of me, and then the T.V. Being a light sleeper, I am easily woken up and once I'm up, I'm usually up. When I went upstairs to try to go back to my bed, I saw the clothes and figured that may be why he wasn't so respectful of me sleeping this morning. Instead of moving the clothes and went and laid down in my youngest son's bed, who was sleeping in my bed. While he was downstairs making his lunch, I also heard him getting angry with the drawer where the Tupperware is. It's broken and gets stuck sometimes. I get that it's frustrating, but I heard him getting angry about it upstairs.

Now, he was sweet to me when saying goodbye and said I love you, but I'm really growing tired of this passive/aggressive behavior, particularly with the laundry. I mentioned the closet space he had overseas, and I did that because we don't have enough here in our home. Therefore, I dread even putting clothes away because I know I'll run out of room. Most of the time my things end up staying in the laundry room or the basket, and I iron my work clothes as I need them.

So my question is, what do

I do about the piles of laundry on my bed right now? This is his way of telling me that he wants them taken care of, and I don't like the way he has chosen to communicate with me. I don't want to put them away. I have told him in the past that if he is bothered by something, just talk to me about it. We've also had disputes about the laundry in particular. What to do?

[j.man]

If he wants you to do something, he can use his words and manners and politely ask. If you're off work and he's playing bread winner for summer, then yeah, the onus will be on you to take care of a few extra things around the house. That said, between all the other responsibilities (namely the kids being off school and you looking after them), you know whether you're putting in the effort that would fairly constitute a hard day's work. If so, he's a grownup who can, at the very least, handle his own laundry if he's not happy with your management of it. The two easiest solutions would be to just handle your own respective laundries (doing your best to have the machine available for him during his off time) or to just hire a maid or laundry service again.

 

And that's not meant to isolate the laundry incident. I, too, wouldn't take kindly to someone being passive aggressive (or really just aggressive if he's throwing laundry baskets around) behavior. Just how much of a theme is that kind of behavior in your marriage?

[melancholy123]

He's really passive aggressive about the laundry. Would he agree to taking care of his own laundry and you do yours and your kids? He's acting like a big kid with his temper tantrums about that and the sticky drawer. Have you tried a calm chat with him about this?

[kang98]

If he wants you to do something, he can use his words and manners and politely ask. If you're off work and he's playing bread winner for summer, then yeah, the onus will be on you to take care of a few extra things around the house. That said, between all the other responsibilities (namely the kids being off school and you looking after them), you know whether you're putting in the effort that would fairly constitute a hard day's work. If so, he's a grownup who can, at the very least, handle his own laundry if he's not happy with your management of it. The two easiest solutions would be to just handle your own respective laundries (doing your best to have the machine available for him during his off time) or to just hire a maid or laundry service again.

 

And that's not meant to isolate the laundry incident. I, too, wouldn't take kindly to someone being passive aggressive (or really just aggressive if he's throwing laundry baskets around) behavior. Just how much of a theme is that kind of behavior in your marriage?

 

Despite being off, I still get paid in the summer and pay all the same bills I normally do... just to clarify. So, your suggestion is that I don't do his laundry? I have actually used this tactic with dinner before. My rule is that if the kitchen is left a mess by others in the house, I will not make dinner. It has worked. We currently have in home therapy (due to issues with our son), so I'm thinking I may bring it up during our next session. This morning I wanted to say to him, if you would like to ask me nicely to empty the basket today, I would have gladly done it. I just didn't get around to it yesterday. But, I honestly I didn't feel like possibly having an argument...

[kang98]

He's really passive aggressive about the laundry. Would he agree to taking care of his own laundry and you do yours and your kids? He's acting like a big kid with his temper tantrums about that and the sticky drawer. Have you tried a calm chat with him about this?

 

I have spoken to him about the laundry before, and he stopped for a while. We are a family of five, soon to be six, and have a ton of laundry. It's always done and my boys always put their laundry away. Ours, as I said is a challenge due to lack of space. Would he agree to do his own? I don't know... I just know myself and if he's nice about things, I have no problem doing them for him, but when he behaves that way I don't want to do anything for him. Part of his issue is the way the boys fold his laundry. Granted, they could do better, but they are young. I do reteach them but they are kids. I don't think it's something to reprimand them for. I'm happy that they help. In my mind he should be grateful that we do the damn laundry. I know it's not like when he was overseas and had a maid but gets done. I was thinking of just leaving the piles on my bed. Just moving my clothes.

[j.man]

Despite being off, I still get paid in the summer and pay all the same bills I normally do... just to clarify. So, your suggestion is that I don't do his laundry? I have actually used this tactic with dinner before. My rule is that if the kitchen is left a mess by others in the house, I will not make dinner. It has worked. We currently have in home therapy (due to issues with our son), so I'm thinking I may bring it up during our next session. This morning I wanted to say to him, if you would like to ask me nicely to empty the basket today, I would have gladly done it. I just didn't get around to it yesterday. But, I honestly I didn't feel like possibly having an argument...

So you're in a very similar situation to my own (obviously I've got it easier without having to factor in kids). I work seasonally (typically off during summer), but still financially contribute during my off time. Given it's still financially equitable, the standard is other responsibilities remain so as well, and my partner knows that my time off doesn't entitle her to me using that time to make her life easier. Yes, I do a few extra things around the house even if for no other reason than to combat boredom, but were she to come home and complain I didn't take a break from lounging and eating grapes from the vine to go to the post office and ship a pair of shoes she's returning for her, that would get shut down real quick.

 

That said, like you, if my partner were to ask me nicely to handle it, I'd say "sure." Granted, it'd be done more at my own time and convenience, but I don't mind fitting it in. I wouldn't just stop doing his laundry without saying a word as that borders the same passive aggression you're justifiably not happy with, but definitely have a calm discussion.

 

I don't know what the atmosphere and scope of the in-home therapy is. My baseless assumption is that it's meant more as a whole-family therapy rather than issues between you and your hubby, so I'm not sure if it's a proper venue. But if you know better than me and it is in fact as good a place as any to navigate the issue, then by all means. A question I do have though is if you do regularly navigate such issues during therapy and, if so, have you two learned how to better communicate independent of a mediator as a result?

[kang98]

So you're in a very similar situation to my own (obviously I've got it easier without having to factor in kids). I work seasonally (typically off during summer), but still financially contribute during my off time. Given it's still financially equitable, the standard is other responsibilities remain so as well, and my partner knows that my time off doesn't entitle her to me using that time to make her life easier. Yes, I do a few extra things around the house even if for no other reason than to combat boredom, but were she to come home and complain I didn't take a break from lounging and eating grapes from the vine to go to the post office and ship a pair of shoes she's returning for her, that would get shut down real quick.

 

That said, like you, if my partner were to ask me nicely to handle it, I'd say "sure." Granted, it'd be done more at my own time and convenience, but I don't mind fitting it in. I wouldn't just stop doing his laundry without saying a word as that borders the same passive aggression you're justifiably not happy with, but definitely have a calm discussion.

 

I don't know what the atmosphere and scope of the in-home therapy is. My baseless assumption is that it's meant more as a whole-family therapy rather than issues between you and your hubby, so I'm not sure if it's a proper venue. But if you know better than me and it is in fact as good a place as any to navigate the issue, then by all means. A question I do have though is if you do regularly navigate such issues during therapy and, if so, have you two learned how to better communicate independent of a mediator as a result?

 

Yeah I mean, I'm a stay at home mom three months out of the year but I always stay busy. My kids have activities, my two-year-old is very, two, I have to find time to do my classwork, I had crappy tenants and had to spend all summer getting my rental house back in order, and I am the only one who wakes up in the middle of the night with my youngest. To top it off I'm pregnant and don't sleep much as it is. I think these are the reasons he doesn't say anything to my face, but I definitely disagree with his passive/aggressive approach, and he makes his statement known through his behavior. He hates that I am off in the summer and he isn't, but it isn't all glamorous being home with three kids either.

Yeah, family therapy is definitely about the entire family. It's been quite a year dealing with various services for our son and family. I think I could bring it up there. I usually just avoid him when his having one of his "moments" but I don't like how that feels either. Everyone is allowed to have a bad day or be moody, but I want him to be able to talk to me about things.

[RedDress]

This answer may be too simplistic, but have you considered doing a massive purge of clothes?

 

You've mentioned a couple of times that the reason they don't get put away is because there is no room. Most people in North America have waaaaaaay too many clothes - most of which they don't even wear. Can you go all drastic with it and cut it down by 1/2? (for both of you). It may be a bit of a sacrifice but if it saves arguments...

 

As far as ironing is concerned - I'm 100% on your side. Ain't no one got time for that. Lol! For items that tend to get wrinkly, can you hang dry them instead? Gravity is a great iron. Alternately, maybe you can go to Kijiji or Craigslist or your favorite 2nd hand site and invest in a cheap hand steamer? That way, if he finds something is too wrinkly, HE can QUIETLY go steam it himself.

 

And maybe you can leave the clothes on the bed instead of in a basket and the first person to bed puts the clothes away.

 

Personally, I think you should sit with him in a calm moment - explain that you don't want to fight about laundry anymore and lay out your plan for fixing the problem (without you having to take on extra work). Also ask for his support and what HE is willing to do to help fix the problem.

 

Surely there are ways that you can tackle the problem together without YOU taking on all the extra work.

[kang98]

This answer may be too simplistic, but have you considered doing a massive purge of clothes?

 

You've mentioned a couple of times that the reason they don't get put away is because there is no room. Most people in North America have waaaaaaay too many clothes - most of which they don't even wear. Can you go all drastic with it and cut it down by 1/2? (for both of you). It may be a bit of a sacrifice but if it saves arguments...

 

As far as ironing is concerned - I'm 100% on your side. Ain't no one got time for that. Lol! For items that tend to get wrinkly, can you hang dry them instead? Gravity is a great iron. Alternately, maybe you can go to Kijiji or Craigslist or your favorite 2nd hand site and invest in a cheap hand steamer? That way, if he finds something is too wrinkly, HE can QUIETLY go steam it himself.

 

And maybe you can leave the clothes on the bed instead of in a basket and the first person to bed puts the clothes away.

 

Personally, I think you should sit with him in a calm moment - explain that you don't want to fight about laundry anymore and lay out your plan for fixing the problem (without you having to take on extra work). Also ask for his support and what HE is willing to do to help fix the problem.

 

Surely there are ways that you can tackle the problem together without YOU taking on all the extra work.

 

I have gone through both of our clothes and was finally able to get him to part with a bunch. I also regularly go through mine and change them out seasonally. I also have extra clothes in my closet right now due to being pregnant.

 

I do hang dry my own clothes, and I could get a second dry rack for his.

I actually love to iron, but like you said, I just don't have the time, so I iron as needed. We do have a hand steamer. He doesn't touch the laundry other than putting his dirty clothes in the hamper. I think I'd have a heart attack if I ever saw him doing laundry. He does know how though (there was a point when he was a single father) and he is good at ironing too. It's one of those things he has just sort of made clear that he doesn't do now. And now that our boys are older, he seems to expect that they do it, and the way he wants it done.

 

I like your idea of the clothes going on the bed. I will get rid of the basket and see if that helps. I do believe that a talk is in order though. I will see if I can accomplish a conversation with him about it. Thanks!

[Hell_On_Heels]

The laundry problem can be solved by using a laundry service. They are not expensive at all, and most of the cost is offset by your water and laundry detergent savings. Even if only his clothes were done by a service, it would help. It would be great if the whole family's laundry could be done by a service. You've already got a lot on your plate.

 

But. The problem is really how he chooses to communicate dissatisfaction and/or expectations. Does he talk about why he chooses to throw the laundry basket rather than talk to you about it? Is he afraid of losing his temper?