Boyfriend losing interest is there anything I can do to get him back?

[scotchpad]

My boyfriend of over a year is losing interest in me. Is there anything that I can do to get us back on track? My insecurities have built a bit of a wedge between us

[Krankor]

More details about what is happening would be useful, but what I can tell you is that you have to kind of go against your instincts and NOT chase him or try to pull him back in. Instead, the best thing to do is to back off and let him come to you.

 

Sometimes people have simply rounded a corner and they aren't coming back, unfortunate. But sometimes they just need a little space in order to feel the love again. Either way, chasing him will only drive him farther away.

[scotchpad]

More details about what is happening would be useful, but what I can tell you is that you have to kind of go against your instincts and NOT chase him or try to pull him back in. Instead, the best thing to do is to back off and let him come to you.

 

Sometimes people have simply rounded a corner and they aren't coming back, unfortunate. But sometimes they just need a little space in order to feel the love again. Either way, chasing him will only drive him farther away.

 

He's said he's started to feel unsure about the relationship but doesn't want to breakup as he hopes the feeling is a phase. He's said it's built up overtime and is likely a product of chasing my insecurities. We live together and he goes through happy/unhappy about the relationship. I asked him several times if he wanted to breakup and he said no. I'm worried that he's rounded that corner

[scotchpad]

He's said he's started to feel unsure about the relationship but doesn't want to breakup as he hopes the feeling is a phase. He's said it's built up overtime and is likely a product of chasing my insecurities. We live together and he goes through happy/unhappy about the relationship. I asked him several times if he wanted to breakup and he said no. I'm worried that he's rounded that corner

 

He said he wanted to give the topic a break which I've done but I want to ask if he's rounded that corner?

[Birdie]

Asking him constantly about the relationship will make things worse. What are you so worried about? Why not work on yourself and your insecurities versus focusing so much on him?

 

If he wants to end the relationship he will. He doesn't need you asking him.

[scotchpad]

Asking him constantly about the relationship will make things worse. What are you so worried about? Why not work on yourself and your insecurities versus focusing so much on him?

 

If he wants to end the relationship he will. He doesn't need you asking him.

 

Because he said he's unsure I'm worried that he's already checked out and there's no way/it's too late to turn things around....I'm working on my insecurities

[Elavohra]

Lady, buckle up now! You must now mentally prepare yourself for the break up. Trust me, you must stop chasing him. I do understand about the insecurities, happens, it happens to everyone, but if you'll not stop chasing him, you'll end up being needy and clingy. So please, step back a little and work upon yourself and give him his space. If he meanwhile, understands your worth then he'll come back to you, if he don't then kindly embrace yourself. Be emotionally strong.

[Krankor]

Because he said he's unsure I'm worried that he's already checked out and there's no way/it's too late to turn things around....I'm working on my insecurities

One of two things are true here: either he's rounded the corner and isn't coming back, or he hasn't rounded the corner, but he sees that corner coming if things don't improve soon.

 

If he's rounded that corner then I am truly sorry. I know it hurts a lot and it's giving you anxiety and you want to know where you stand. But asking about it isn't going to change anything.

 

Instead, why not just show him that things can be different? Back off and do your own thing. Your insecurities have likely caused him to feel smothered, and have also likely caused him to think that (unconsciously) that maybe he overestimated you a bit when you got together. After all, if you're this afraid of losing him, he must be just a little more valuable as a mate than you. That may sound strange but that is the often underlying psychology in situations like this. By backing off and giving him space you'll likely cause him to reassess that thinking.

[MissCanuck]

If you keep coming at him with relationship talk, you likely will find yourself single again. So if that's what you want, keep pushing.

 

If you don't want this to end, do what I suggested in your other thread: you need to get your own life. You'd said you spend 99% of your time with him, and I recommended that you work on fostering your own hobbies and interests. My advice stands.

 

Stop fixating on him so much, and start doing your thing. No guy wants a girl who clings and has no life - so don't be that girl!

[scotchpad]

One of two things are true here: either he's rounded the corner and isn't coming back, or he hasn't rounded the corner, but he sees that corner coming if things don't improve soon.

 

If he's rounded that corner then I am truly sorry. I know it hurts a lot and it's giving you anxiety and you want to know where you stand. But asking about it isn't going to change anything.

 

Instead, why not just show him that things can be different? Back off and do your own thing. Your insecurities have likely caused him to feel smothered, and have also likely caused him to think that (unconsciously) that maybe he overestimated you a bit when you got together. After all, if you're this afraid of losing him, he must be just a little more valuable as a mate than you. That may sound strange but that is the often underlying psychology in situations like this. By backing off and giving him space you'll likely cause him to reassess that thinking.

 

Asking him won't make anything different but it will let me know that it's time to walk away instead of holding out hope. I haven't talked about the relationship in about a week.

[scotchpad]

If you keep coming at him with relationship talk, you likely will find yourself single again. So if that's what you want, keep pushing.

 

If you don't want this to end, do what I suggested in your other thread: you need to get your own life. You'd said you spend 99% of your time with him, and I recommended that you work on fostering your own hobbies and interests. My advice stands.

 

Stop fixating on him so much, and start doing your thing. No guy wants a girl who clings and has no life - so don't be that girl!

 

]Asking him won't make anything different but it will let me know that it's time to walk away instead of holding out hope. I haven't talked about the relationship in about a week. It's just that last night he stopped himself from calling me babe although he did cuddle with me. I just don't want to have hope on a lost cause

[scotchpad]

]Asking him won't make anything different but it will let me know that it's time to walk away instead of holding out hope. I haven't talked about the relationship in about a week. It's just that last night he stopped himself from calling me babe although he did cuddle with me. I just don't want to have hope on a lost cause

 

I've also stated doing my own thing and I've signed up for Spanish lessons

[MissCanuck]

]Asking him won't make anything different but it will let me know that it's time to walk away instead of holding out hope. I haven't talked about the relationship in about a week. It's just that last night he stopped himself from calling me babe although he did cuddle with me. I just don't want to have hope on a lost cause

 

That's a choice you have to make: take the risk and try, or call it off now.

[scotchpad]

That's a choice you have to make: take the risk and try, or call it off now.

 

But you don't think I should ask? Just keep making changes and bringing up the relationship?

[Birdie]

Don't bring up the relationship! He's an adult, he can make his own decisions including wether or not to end the relationship without you asking him. Trust that if he wants to end it he will. Right now he's still with you.

 

Have you ever done a project or worked with someone who asks you either the same question or questions they obviously know the answer to again and again? If so remember how irritating it is? Or your parents badgering you about little things ('did you bring a jacket? It might be cold bring a jacket. Oh I'll get your jacket') and how it makes you feel small and stupid, because you're an independent person and can decide if you want your own darn 'jacket' or not. You're getting on his nerves with all the relationship talk and probably making him feel like you don't respect him enough to figure things out on his own.

[Birdie]

But if you're unhappy feeling so insecure in the relationship, end it yourself and move on.

[MissCanuck]

But you don't think I should ask? Just keep making changes and bringing up the relationship?

 

No, I already said that's not the way to go, unless your goal is to annoy him to the point of walking away himself.

 

You have to learn to manage your anxiety, OP. I think that's the underlying problem - you can't handle any grey area so it drives to seek constant reassurance.

[scotchpad]

So every night this week I've stayed out later and hung out with friends or networked. I also switched up my hair style and my outfits to which he's given my tons of compliments. Last night he complemented my outfit and was super cuddly. I got on top of him and we were kissing as things got more intense he tapped me to get off of him...he still play humped me and cuddled but no sex. He shaved is beard off for the first time and talked about getting an Instagram page....are these all bad signs?

[MissCanuck]

I don't think shaving his beard and interest in Instagram are necessarily indicators of anything, other than doing something different. But because you're hyper-vigilant now for any sign that he is pulling away, you're worried it means something more. You changed your hair, no? Now he'd like to make a change too, only with the hair on his face instead.

 

Him not wanting sex could be anything - just not in the mood, tired, or because he is unsure and doesn't want to get intimate right now and send you mixed messages.

 

It's great that you're getting out and doing your own thing. Changing up hair and clothes can be refreshing too. Just be careful that you're not overhauling everything only to get him to stay, because the changes won't stick if they feel unnatural. You don't need to change everything completely. Finding balance between positive changes and still being true to yourself is the key.

 

Only time will tell where this relationship goes, so do be patient as well.

[Idagirl]

Lady, buckle up now! You must now mentally prepare yourself for the break up. Trust me, you must stop chasing him. I do understand about the insecurities, happens, it happens to everyone, but if you'll not stop chasing him, you'll end up being needy and clingy. So please, step back a little and work upon yourself and give him his space. If he meanwhile, understands your worth then he'll come back to you, if he don't then kindly embrace yourself. Be emotionally strong.

 

So much truth to this statement! Hit the nail on the head

[figureitout23]

But if you're unhappy feeling so insecure in the relationship, end it yourself and move on.

 

Amen! Why give him the power to dictate where your life's headed. He's pulling away and reassessing. Why aren't you reassessing as well? Don't you want to be with someone who isn't going to run at the change of the wind. Let's say you do change all these things about yourself and he comes back around. That anxietys not going anywhere. It's been planted and once it's there it's there cause odds are, hes not going to change anything, so you're going to jump through all theee hoops to proves yourself worthy and if he comes back you'll just live day to day waiting for the other shoe to drop again. Not exactly an idea relationship.