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Suspicions about a past infidelity


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My partner and i have been in a relationship for over three years — moved in together earlier this year. In 2016, he went on a night out with friends that he didn't tell me about until the following evening when he called off plans to see me because he was "too hungover." Just this week, when sorting through bank statements, I came across one from around that time that showed ATM activity at 6am in a town an hour from where we now live on the morning after that night he went out. I suspect he went home with someone that night, and THAT was the reason he couldn't see me the following evening — the guilt, rather than the hangover.


I have no hard proof of this, of course, and it was some time ago. Since then, everything has been wonderful; we've moved in together, are talking about buying a house, and getting engaged. Which is why I am relucant to bring it up...That said, I hate the idea of being played for a fool, and him thinking he could get away with something like this.


Ugh, I feel sick to my stomach and would really appreciate some advice: do I bring it up, or let sleeping dogs lay?

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One of my bestfriends was in a situation somewhat like this and held it in for 2 years. It ate at her for that entire time as this will eat at you. Have the talk, if you have or can forgive no matter what he says then it will just make you guys stronger to get it out on the table. I had a boyfriend recently that I caught trying to cheat and broke it off right before he could. I knew he loved me so I started doing a lot of reading and research on cheaters and I am finding that if you are going to build a life with someone it is a good idea to have a talk about what it would mean for your marriage if one of you were to cheat.

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Have you always suspected he wasn't where he said he was on that night?


I ask because recognizing the date on that specific transaction must've triggered something in you. Otherwise, you probably wouldn't have paid much attention to bank transactions from last year, no?


I have some experience in this area, as I randomly found a receipt from a very pricey restaurant in my ex's pockets when I was doing our laundry. I thought it was strange he'd been there and not mentioned it, given that it's a famous restaurant in our city, so I asked him if he needed me to hang on to this receipt so he could be reimbursed by his restaurant. (He was a chef and they do often network eating in each other's restaurants and whatnot, so not totally implausible) He said yes, he'd forgotten to mention he'd eaten there the previous week with his boss. Only problem with that? I made a mental note of the time and date on the receipt, and he'd sent me a message me "from work" that night to tell me he wouldn't need me to pick him up because he was stuck in the kitchen late and would catch a ride with his colleague. Busted. I later discovered he'd been with a colleague alright - on a date at that fancy-pants restaurant.


My point in telling you this is that sometimes you just know when something doesn't feel right. There might be an explanation, but if you can, I would ask in a roundabout way first to see if you can extract a little more info about the night in question without being accusatory, as I did. My ex wasn't quite sharp enough not to incriminate himself. Perhaps your guy wound up with his buddies in the other town - would that be a reasonable explanation? Are there bars they might've ventured to, and then hit the ATM in the early morning to grab breakfast or a taxi back or something?

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Thank you so much for this. I think I've known from the get-go that we need to have the talk: I just needed to hear it from an impartial observer. When I look back on that period in our relationship, it feels like a totally different time. We've come a long way since. That being said, I've always been, and continue to be, a committed girlfriend, so I guess our talk is less about what happened that night, exactly, and more about, as you say, setting a foundation for our future in terms of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. If something did happen, we've come far enough since that I can forgive . . . but if it was to happen now that we're living together and talking about marriage etc, I'm not so sure that I would. Thank you for your empathy and advice x

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