Will She Come Back?

[haileym]

My girlfriend of almost 2 years and I broke up about two weeks ago. When she ended it, it came as a complete surprise to me. We were together during all of our free time and never went a day without talking. Everything up until that point seemed completely normal. However, she told me that while she was still in love with me, she was no longer "in love with our relationship".

 

We talked on and off for a week after the breakup, and every time we talked she didn't seem to mind the fact that we were talking but was very firm on the fact that we were not reconciling. After few days of talking, she grew a little frustrated with the fact that she had no space after the breakup. So, we didn't talk for about 5 days. Then, tonight we had our last conversation for the forseeable future where we discussed the real reasons behind the break up. This was her first relationship, she'd never met anyone she'd truly wanted to be with before me, and used to be extremely independent. Before we got together, she did everything alone and had a lot of hobbies and interests that she loved. When we first started dating, I still hung out with my friends a lot and we both got enough alone time to keep the relationship healthy and exciting.

 

However, over time things became familiar and comfortable, which I think is the case with a lot of relationships and was not a problem to us. I was always very happy to be with her at any opportunity, and it seemed that she felt the same way. We mutually enjoyed our time together and loved each other very much. The problem was that on the rare occasion that she'd want to hang out with her friend or do things alone, I'd get upset. I'd think "that was time we could have spent together, I want to soak up every second." In hindsight, I realize that was not healthy. Things continued on, we'd be together all the time, and she revealed that she was too worried to tell me that she wanted alone time in our relationship. She thought I'd get upset at her and think that she didn't love me as much as I loved her, which makes sense to me. So the sudden break up was the result of this feeling building up in her over time.

 

Since the breakup, I only saw her one time to get some of our things back. Tonight I told her that since I didn't give her the space she needed while we were dating, that I would happily give it to her now so that she can have the time to think and do all of the things she hasn't gotten to do in a while. She really appreciated the fact that I'd give her space and openly talked about how she felt leading up to our split. Also, there is no one else in the picture for either of us. She hasn't met anyone new and doesn't plan to, and only really spends time with her best friend (who's going away to school in a week or two) and her sister.

Do you think that with patience, time, and working on myself and the problems our relationship faced, that we could possibly reconcile?

[glitterfingers]

It's not impossible since it was a good relationship by the sounds of it, and there was no abuse/serious arguments. But it sounds like she's lost interest in you and she's finding excuses for why it doesn't "feel right" to her and she wants to be single. I don't believe that it's quite as simple as what she says, because if it was only about needing space, she can ask for that without leaving you. Why didn't she? Because her heart's not in it.

 

I think the best option is to have no contact. This gives her time to consider if that's what she truly wants, and lets you move on incase she doesn't decide to come back. This isn't up to you unfortunately. All you can do is live your life and see if she reaches out again - if she does, you tell her you'd like to see her.

[haileym]

Thank you for your response!

You're right about no contact, if she wanted space when we were together and also wants it now, I have to respect that.

I think a part of her might know that I'd want to be with her in the future and probably takes comfort in that. I believe her on the fact that our love wasn't lost, but my guess is that she isn't as sexually attracted to me anymore. I forgot to mention this, but we hadn't had sex a lot because of how she was feeling regarding space and small arguments over time. She's quite a sensitive person, and although we never name called or fought seriously, even a change in the tone of my voice could upset her a lot.

You're right about it not being up to me, only time will tell and I'll keep doing my best to improve myself and my life without her in the meantime Your advice is very appreciated

[No1]

This is a good and valuable lesson that you can take with you but also help others in the future. And that is that there doesnt have to be anything "wrong" in a relationship for it to end. But it does take two people to be in a relationship and if one doesnt want to be in it, then the relationship is over regardless how wonderful it is.

Its nothing you did or said or the space you gave or didnt give. She was just no longer into being committed to you anymore. When this happened to me, I came accross a saying that said Sometimes you can make no mistakes and still lose, its just life. And that helped me because there are things in life I just cant control. You cant control how your X feels or thinks. You cant guilt or bargain her into coming back because if she does and she is not ready then eventually she will lash out at you but really being mad at herself. So its good that you gave her time and space.

 

I dont think anyone here can say if she will come back or not. I dont think even your X knows the answer to that question, but I do know that if you contact her, your odds will decrease. She might not be seeking someone else, but she knows she doesnt want to be with you. So you let her go and you begin to move forward. A common mistake that people do is they stay in one place for fear of moving forward means the door is closed or the relationship didnt mean anything. Your X knows how to get a hold of you, she knows where you live, your number your email, FB, Twitter or whatever social media you have. If she wants you, she will find you so dont worry about moving forward or the signal you send out by moving forward.

 

Accept that she might date and it might take several people for her to date to realize you are the one, but you cant wait around for that to happen. So you must make yourself happy and place yourself where IF she wants to come back into your life, you can have the option of accepting her or saying Ive moved on. Let her breathe and know either way, you are going to be alright..

[haileym]

You're absolutely right, and begging or bargaining with her to pity her into coming back is not what I want (although I am guilty of begging initially). I believe that when someone comes back out of pity, it's rare that they will stay and the relationship will probably not stand the test of time as no one has progessed or gone through the changes necessary to heal and resolve whatever issues plagued the relationship and caused it to end.

 

Although it's hard to leave our relationship in the past, I think the most helpful thing to do at this point in time, which you mentioned, is to make myself happy. Happiness attracts happiness, and if not, then at least I've improved myself to a level I hadn't reached before When I left my last relationship, I know that if that person had tried a little harder to change and progress there would have been a high possibility that I would have taken them back. However, now when I look at their social media from time to time, I see that they're worse off than ever and all I can think to myself is that I dodged a bullet! That being said, no matter what happens, I don't want my current ex to look at my photos somewhere down the line and be solidifed in her belief that our relationship is over. I don't want to be the bullet she dodged - haha.

 

Thanks again for your realistic but still hopeful advice, you are all lovely people.

[cococly]

OP, after I beg for 2 week after the breakup, I stopped contacting my exgf of 3.5 years, employed NC. She started to ask me out multiple times instead.

 

I was still emotional, so I have wasted a few good opportunities to reconcile.

 

Trust me, if you have a good relationship with your ex, and the breakup didn't involve any major abuse/argument, your dumper would come back to check on you. It depends how you grab those opportunities to try to reattract your ex/ let your ex come back

 

Even after I have told my exgf "STOP MESSAGING ME, I AM OVER YOU", she still messaged me after a week of NC.

 

So I am sure she would come back, but it is up to you to define what "come back" means. (Come back to sniff on you? Come back to restart the relationship? Come back to scold at you? etc)

 

/peace

[cococly]

To further elaborate, don't deliberately employ COLD no contact, if you want your ex to be back, use Limited Contact.

 

Using NC is more for you to heal, not for your ex to come back, as your ex needs to establish contact with you before he/she would come back to you anyway.

[haileym]

Hi! Thank you for the reply. I love hearing situations similar to mine, so thank you for sharing part of your story.

 

There was no major fights, abuse, anything. Sure we bickered sometimes, but there was never any name calling and we usually, at most, we just got frustrated with each other. Besides the initial begging and emotions, our breakup has been civil. No fighting or crazy moments and she's never ignored my calls or messages and responds quickly. Obviously I'm not taking that as a sign that she's not serious about the breakup, it's just nice to know that she's still kind and will respond to me even though she wanted space from the beginning.

 

I agree, I would never ignore her if she tried to contact me just because the thirty days weren't completed or whatever. I think what I meant by "come back" was just to re-enter my life in some form, whether it be as my friend or potentially getting back together. I think that since she asked for space, I'll do NC until she messages me or until a significant amount of time has passed. That amount of time would maybe be a little over a month? Enough time for us both to heal and to give her an actual opportunity to reach out first, since this was essentially her whole idea.

 

Your story has made me hopeful that she'll eventually contact me That was a huge worry of mine, and hearing what you said gives me comfort.

[haileym]

Also, do you have any advice on how to reconcile when/if she reaches out to me? Hearing other opinions always helps

[cococly]

Me too, have only seen my exgf once for giving her something back.

 

But my situation was different with yours on the fact that she dumped me for someone else whom she met for 10 days.

After 3 months of the breakup, they are still together (based on the very limited contact that we have)

 

I have initially rejected her invites to meet up for lunch multiple times, and now I regret it. (Yes, if you relationship was once significant, even after your ex has a new lover, they would still reach out to you. It doesn't mean they are coming back to you to be your lover again though)

 

As for you when she reaches out, talk to her in an upbeat and relaxed manner, then try to ask her out for coffee, or do something platonic, be friendly, don't force anything by holding her hands again, etc. Don't be pushy, let it flow naturally.

 

GOOD LUCK.

[No1]

Also, do you have any advice on how to reconcile when/if she reaches out to me? Hearing other opinions always helps

 

You cant worry about that. Its like trying to build a 100 story building starting from the 25th floor. It cant be done. If you worry about how youll act, how she will respond, then what would you do and what will she do to your response is going to drive you crazy!! Been there, done that and got the t-shirt and I can tell you that you just don't think about it. I know its easier said than done because when you are alone you imagine what you would say to her. (Ive been there)

 

A big part of healing is mindset. How you view the break up. If you hold out hope, you are going to spin in circles and that means youll get no where. If you admit that its over and begin to move on, you are giving yourself a chance and like I said before, if someone wants you, they will do whatever it takes to find you.

 

I know its not easy.. break ups are not easy.. but you will get over it. Its about your frame of mind.

 

Just FYI... you are going to have good and bad moments. DONT let the bad moments make you feel you are back to square one or like you are at day one. Its like a sail boat crossing a big ocean. Some days its going to be smooth sailing and some days its going to hit rough seas. Even on those days when the seas are rough, the ship is still moving forward.. just a little slower.

[loip9114]

I really like the post of Zorba in the 'reverse psychology' thread.

 

The most counter-intuitive way to get back your ex is to let them go. As No1 said you cannot worry about that. I believe this whole thing is a journey and you cannot fast-travel to some spot in the journey. So take it easy and make every step count, because to me that is the fastest way to properly heal. I would say the steps go along the lines of Grief the loss > Heal the heart and dull emotions > Let go of the hopes and dreams with your ex > Go on living.

Because remember the position which you were in when you first met your ex? For me it was a position in which that at the first date I was able to say 'If this is it then I am glad, because it was a fun date. If this is it for tonight even better, because I would love it if you agree to another one'. I stated here clearly that I was not afraid to lose her as I would be strong enough to go on without her, but also that I would really like it to move on.

If you are pinning on your ex back, which most of us at the initial point of the breakup and a later on do. Then you most likely will not be able to keep that position, because you'll be afraid to do anything wrong. This will make you tense, stressed and most likely you will start making mistakes. Those who think they are going to lose before they even start will lose.

 

I believe holding onto hope at the start is fine, making the changes at the start to get your ex back is fine. But at some point you have to start living for yourself again, do the things you want for you. Because that's actually one of the best things of this breakup. You are in complete control of your own life again, nobody to call when you need to make a decision, no outside input. If you were to get a job-offer to a country you've been dying to go to. You can accept that, because you only need to take yourself there and nobody else. I know I did not want these freedoms at the start, I would have rather forfeited them if that meant staying together. But now I see the beauty of them.

So when you feel ready to forfeit your hopes and embrace the freedom you have, you'll notice that those hopes are chaining you and also keeping you from reaching incredible goals. But as I said earlier, take it step by step. I wasn't ready to stop hoping untill less than 2 or 3 days ago. I wasn't ready to truly start letting go untill 1-2 weeks ago. Before that it would make me anxious and guilty to even think about it, it just meant that I still had to ride the emotional rollercoaster a bit longer. If you reach (full) acceptance of the breakup you'll start getting ready to let go.

 

But these are things you might have read before, and sometimes it just takes time to believe it. So give yourself that time and space, and try not to waste it too much time on thinking how to get your ex back. Because if they want to reach out, they will. As you said elsewhere, she sent you a trivial message. She knows how to reach you. Do not worry yourself over that. Worry yourself over your own health and getting something good out of this little sh*thole you're in.

[Wiriamu]

I wanted to say, thank you haileym for posting this, and thank you everyone else for your words. When i read what you wrote I was quite taken back by your story because based on your time frame, what happened to you happened to me 2 weeks later. Pretty much the exact same scenario except our relationship was 4 years long. However in my scenario, she decided that she did not want to commit to a relationship with me anymore, wanted to be single, doesn't even know if she wants to get married anymore (we talked about marriage and wedding plans as close to 1.5 months before the breakup; we are in our late 20s), and completely devote herself to going back and completing her education. The last we talked, this could take 2 - 4 years and she doesn't even know if she wants to stay in this city.

 

We initially talked for a bit after the breakup, then I told her to not contact me anymore to give myself some space as it felt like it caused me to hurt more than it helped; holding onto false hope. I left it for a week and reached out to her to see how her schooling was going. I guess I kept talking to her like we were still in a relationship after that and unknowingly kept bringing up past memories. Like you, I had one final call with her a few weeks ago where she finally truthfully told me how she was feeling leading up to the breakup and things that built up over the years including things she couldn't tell me in the fear that I would leave her or it would upset me. I learned from my past relationships and would tell her straight out when something she did didn't make me happy or something was bothering me. it was difficult to say to someone you love, but I learned that sometimes it has to be said, so communication on my end was not an issue.

 

I took that time to apologize for the mistakes I personally made in the relationship and asked her to forgive me for those mistakes, but didn't try to make it seem like I was trying to take the blame for everything that happened. She told me she was enjoying her freedom from not having to worry about making time for me, enjoying her independence that we both lost after being together for so long, and her life is pretty much all about school. She said it felt like I wasn't giving her the space she wanted after I re-established contact and she didn't want me to keep contacting her in case she meets someone new (she is like your ex, isn't looking, but doesnt know if someone else might come along) and she doesnt want me to get even more hurt if that happens since she thinks it would feel like I was strung along. That is where I feel like she won't reach out first. She had that happen to her before and doesn't want me to have to experience it. Deep down, it feels like she still cares for me deeply, but deep down I still feel a fear at times that I will be forgotten. One of the things I found painful from that last conversation is that she said she knows that she may never find someone that treats her as well as I did. I didn't say it out loud, but I thought to myself, "why did you let go then"?

 

I haven't talked to her since that call and it has been 3 or so weeks. I still have some bad days here and there where I deeply miss her and are itching to reach out to say hi and try to keep things very formal/casual, but I fear that this would open some of the wounds that I've been starting to heal and move on from. She also has things that are still at my house that I want to give back to her, but we haven't had time and I don't know if this will give the impression that I am trying to erase all memories of her. I still don't know what to do with the thousands of pictures I have on my phone from the years of being together, a lot of it are pictures of us with my family or hers, so its hard to completely erase all of that.

 

The other reason I want to reach out, just to say hi, is to re-establish some form of contact before her birthday next week so I can maybe give her a call that day to quickly chat again; there is a part of me that just wants to ignore that day and not acknowledge it, but it feels heartless to do so. Again, my fear is its going to bring be back a few steps and re-open some wounds that I have finally been able to start moving forward from. I think i've started to move on, I've started to talk to other people, re-established contact with some friends (and old crushes) I lost contact with after we lost ourselves in our relationship, and started to enjoy life/focus on my career. There are days like today, where I wake up from a dream that reminds me of her or just have a feeling that something is "off" and I just don't feel great the rest of the day. I know if there is even a chance we get back together, I already know what I did wrong and have made great changes since identifying them, but it would mainly involve her finding herself again, getting her life/career straight or in some direction, and understanding what she wants. I feel that the biggest lesson from this is that we lost ourselves in the relationship and like you, ended up spending every minute we had together, which is not healthy. We used to be quite independent at the start of the relationship like you too. There are days I still wish we could take the lessons we learned (we even talked about them) and apply them to fixing the relationship, but she wanted to completely focus on her education instead of her education AND fixing the great things we had together.

 

I know I don't really ask for any advice, but any comments are welcome and appreciated.

[Dimka]

Heya thread. This break up sounds exactly like mine - he told me sooo many time how we were healthy and he couldnt wait for me to move up to him... he ended it out of the blue and said he didn't love me anymore.

 

I did a lot wrong becasue im a very emotional person, and I over think wayyy to much. The last time we talked all I treid to do is tell him that I was going to be frinedly to him again after over a month of NCR and he said that I was so sweet before but I gave myself a horrible image and to leave him alone and he blocked me.... anyone been in a similar spot before? Hes given me absolutley nothing to go with.

[Maddie91x]

To further elaborate, don't deliberately employ COLD no contact, if you want your ex to be back, use Limited Contact.

 

Using NC is more for you to heal, not for your ex to come back, as your ex needs to establish contact with you before he/she would come back to you anyway.

 

This is so important to remember, and I see endless posts where this is overlooked and people use 100% no contact and hope that miraculously their ex will come banging down their door.

[Piaresssss]

All these break up stories sound all to familiar to mine. Broke up because we spent to much time together and for me it still wasn't enough. The only difference being that there where no harsh words between us, both said we still love each other and I think in time the chance for friendship is still there. Only when we are both in a place that would be healthy to do so.