My Ex-Girlfriends Says She Still Has Feelings For Me But She Hangs Out With Another Guy

[johnda]

Hello, I will try to make this story as short as possible.

 

I've been together with this girl for 3 years. I'm 24, she's 20 and we both never had any serious relationship before that(also virgins at that time). The 3rd year was the hardest because she went for studies in a new country so we had a long distance relationship.

 

After many fights and small breakups, we end up breaking up for good last November so around 10 months ago.

 

However we still talked a lot expect for a few small breaks of 1-2 weeks. But even though we kept our communication, we weren't together. Also when she came back, we had sex few times and we hanged out a lot but still she didn't want to be together again because of our previous issues(long distance relationship made me extermely jealous and very insecure so I kind of f*cked up on that area but I understood that and I tried to improve myself everyday).

 

Long story short, she came back last month, we met a few times but after a huge fight (because we couldn't agree on some things) we stopped talking again. In that time she met a new guy and they kissed a few times, and now they hang out a lot.

 

I came in communication with her recently(1 week ago) and we talked a lot and she said she still have feelings for me but she says she needs space and time. I asked about the other guy and she said that its too early to get in a relationship with him but as far as I know they make out (no sex) each time they meet. The main reason shes not getting into a new relationship with him is because she will leave again for another year so she doesnt want a long distance relationship.

 

But she says that she still loves me and have feelings for me and she just needs time and maybe some day in the future we can be together again.

 

If she needs space, why is she hanging out with that guy, that she obiously started developing feelings for as well?

 

This doesn't make any sense to me. I'm thinking of cutting all communication with her but its too hard and for some reason I still hope that she will come back. Will No Contact help in this case? What should I do?

 

Thanks

[DanZee]

Well, I'd like to know about what you argued about. That would probably give you idea of what's going on now. What kind of "things" you couldn't agree on? Conservative or Liberal? Sox versus Yankees? Or how she is suppose to act and talk? That would be bad.

[johnda]

Well, I'd like to know about what you argued about. That would probably give you idea of what's going on now. What kind of "things" you couldn't agree on? Conservative or Liberal? Sox versus Yankees? Or how she is suppose to act and talk? That would be bad.

 

To be honest, things started falling appart when she moved to a new country. I was being somehow paranoid and insecure when she was going out in clubs/pubs etc.. Those emotions kept piling up until we broke up. I had changed for a bit, even tough we were not together, I stopped being that paranoid-insecure guy, I was just being cautious.

 

But when she came home, I somehow noticed that she also had changed and she wanted to go out all the time and have fun with friends, things that didn't do when she was with me(not because I never allowed her, she prefered to be with me most of the tme) and I believe the reason she didnt want to be with me again was because I would get jealous and start controlling her again.

 

Also we both use to send a text to each other every morning(whoever woke up first), but she suddently stopped sending me any text or call me at all unless I called/texted her first. Then everything stopped when she got angry with me for some stupid reason which I don't remember(that's how stupid it was) and we didn't talk for a month and then I learned about the other guy. Do you believe this guy is a rebound?

 

I spoke to her few days ago and told her that if the decision was final, I would never bother her again with anything and we both "agreed" to that but she called 2 days later because she wasn't feeling really well and we talked for about 3 hours and told me that she still loved me and never got over me. Then I asked her about the other guy and told me that her feelings aren't that strong for him but she still meets with him few times a week. Then she told me that maybe in a few years we could try again, but right now she needs space.

 

I understand that her age (20 years old) is too young, and having no other sexual experience besides me she maybe want to try something new? I still love her too much and I don't want her to do something that she might regret later on.

[haileym]

It could be possible that your ex has completely changed and now wants to go out and do things that she may have never had the chance to do when she was tied down in a relationship. Less likely, but still possible, she could be doing these things and making them apparent to you as a way to test if you really have let go and progressed from your old jealous ways. I'm not saying you have to be okay with the things she's doing, but currently she has no obligations to you or your relationship. So, to prove to her that you have changed, I'd suggest to keep talking to her with courtesy and respect if you haven't already. Almost like you would with a colleague; someone you have a relationship with but are not close enough to get into the details of their personal life. I understand that this is all tough to swallow when you love someone and want them back, but from what I've read these things are delicate and take time. Even the slightest thing could put off your ex and make her realize that you're not as confident as you've been portraying and could make her run. This is probably the last thing you want as she could possibly be running into the arms of her new man.

 

What I would suggest is to go no contact. Don't shut your ex out if talking to her feels right, but please don't let any emotions get the best of you if you choose to respond. I'm concerned that she's flip flopping between you and this other guy, which makes this situation difficult because ignoring her messages and calls could show her that you're no longer interested and force her to grow closer to the new man. I think it's crucial that you respect her space and let her come to the conclusion on her own, but don't let her walk all over you and hurt you further in the process. You need to protect your mind and heart and think of yourself right now, and really consider what could make you feel better in this moment. How do you feel when your ex talks to you? Do you feel better or worse? Do you feel like she's using you for emotional support while trying to decide if she wants you or the other guy?

 

If you think about it, right now she has the best of both worlds. She has th comfort of coming back to you whenever she wants and getting love from you while also saying she needs space from you and sees another guy. I think you may have the upperhand over the new guy because she says their relationship is in the early stages and you are familiar and you two have history together. I think right now you shouldn't give up on hope, but please try to respect yourself in the process. You are worthy of love and you are more than just a second choice. If you continue to let her walk all over you she will never give you the respect and love that you deserve. This respect and love are crucial if you are planning to heal and rebuild a new realtionship together. This is especially true if she is going away again.

 

It's been 10 months and she's saying that maybe in the future she'll want to try again and still loves you, which means you do have hope. Perhaps right now the best thing you could do is try to do no contact or limited contact to help her respect you and not think of you as solely a comfortable back up plan.

 

Best of luck!